Every Zeroes Has Its Thornton

Click-clacking on a calculator that converts a Mets’ starter ERA into an ERA for a starter on another team, and this calculator is built like an old typewriter for some convoluted reason. Licking finger to smudge out a typo and getting my finger on the ribbon spool and ink all over hands. Manually, sliding the rubber roller up into place, slamming the carriage return lever back, and it sticking into place. Jamming the carriage to get it to move and ripping the paper. Finally, typing in “Zac Thornton has a 1.93 ERA” and slamming return. The magic calculator-typewriter says on another team Zac Thornton (6 IP, 0 ER, 4 baserunners, 2 Ks, ERA at 1.93) would have won five Cy Youngs by now. Wow. So, I don’t want to be a hater my whole life, but Thornton had a 4.02 ERA in the minors and a 3.9 BB/9. He’s getting by a little bit on luck, if we were in a universe where “an insane amount” was what “little bit” meant. So, I guess you can Streamonator, but I don’t trust him. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Luis Robert Jr. – 1-for-5 and his 3rd homer, hitting .213. As he rounded the bases, he stopped at a desk his agent set up at 2nd base and fielded calls from other front offices. Lots of “Yes, I’d love to come there” and that sorta thing.

Jacob Misiorowski – Won’t make another start this week. Ugh, if I knew the Brewers were going to give The IO Update four innings per week, I wouldn’t have ranked him as the 1st starter in the top 100 for the 2nd half. This sucks, and it’s totally unclear what their plans are.

Brandon Sproat – 4 2/3 IP, 2 ER, ERA at 5.09. Sprout’s: Trader Joe’s with better parking lots. Sproat’s: Unusable starter.

David Peterson – 6 2/3 IP, 0 ER, 4 baserunners, 4 Ks, ERA at 5.97. He’s the most mercurial starter in baseball. One start: 3 2/3 IP, 10 ER; another start: Not that! Okay, most times it’s the 10 ER starts.

Framber Valdez – 2/3 IP, 6 ER, ERA at 4.57. As much as the Astros are struggling, at least they got rid of this blister on the ass of my fantasy teams. Oh, don’t get me wrong, I dropped him in my shallower leagues because of course. But in deeper leagues, where that’s not an option? When Lodolo is done with the Blistex, give it to me!

Jack Flaherty – Hit the IL with “this is so you don’t keep starting him, you know who you are.”

Dillon Dingler – 2-for-3, 2 RBIs and his 22nd homer, and third homer in two games. Thank you, Mr. Dingler, sir. I say ‘sir,’ because it’s out of respect, since I’m dressed as a giant poop emoji and I’m your biggest fan.

Tatsuya Imai – 6 IP, 1 ER, 7 baserunners, 8 Ks, ERA at 5.59. You prolly thought, “That start is good for Grey, I know he has Imai and a gorgeous full head of hair.” Yeah, but I also have Framber, so it doesn’t matter. What matters?! Nothing matters! Let’s move on.

Jeremy Pena – 1-for-4, 2 runs and his 8th homer, and 2nd homer in two games. This great 2nd half was foretold by me! I foretold you! I foretold all of you! Do I have him? No, but I’m happy for you, random over-the-internet person who is benefitting.

Isaac Paredes – 2-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 13th homer, hitting .260. Had it been exactly ten days since his last homer?

Joe Mack – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 9th homer, and 2nd homer in two games, and 2nd time in two games I thought, “Is Agustin Ramirez still playing baseball or nah?”

Justin Lawrence – Designated for assignment. His assignment is to stop walking around the clubhouse saying “Whoa!” like he’s Joey Lawrence.

Ryan Jeffers – 1-for-4 and his 9th homer, hitting .287. Watch out, Mr. Bentley, Jeffers on fire!

Parker Messick – 5 2/3 IP, 1 ER, 4 hits, zero walks, 6 Ks, ERA at 2.68. Please, if you see a wall, do not run into it. Go around, Parker! Do not hit the wall.

CJ Abrams – 2-for-3, 4 RBIs and his 23rd and 24th homer, and four homers in three games. Corange Juice heard Jazz talk about 50/50 and thought, “How novel.”

Mickey Moniak – 2-for-4, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 16th homer, hitting .280. He’s a Moniak, Moniak, that’s for sure! And he’s hitting like he’s never hit before!

Hunter Goodman – 2-for-5, 2 runs and his 31st homer. Rumors are swirling he could be traded. That’s a tough one to know how it will affect him, because he’s solid on the road, but Coors…Well, there’s something in the air.

Nick Fortes – 3-for-5, 2 runs, 4 RBIs and his 4th homer, and 2nd homer in two games, hitting .266. Hot schmotato alert!

Yandy Diaz – 2-for-6, 2 runs, 3 RBIs and his 14th homer, hitting .312. Actually, they might count it as three-quarters of a homer because it was off Patrick Corbin.

Drew Rasmussen – 5 IP, 2 ER, 8 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA at 3.28. Across the league, the ball is being injected with helium, but, before each game, Kevin Cash sucks the helium out of the balls, talks like a Smurf for a few moments and his pitchers go out and pitch great.

Kevin Gausman – 3 1/3 IP, 4 ER, ERA at 4.51. His peripherals look good. Do you have a league with xFIP and K-BB%? No? Then who cares? Get him off your teams!

Justin Wrobleski – 6 1/3 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 7 Ks, ERA at 2.62. Imagine having the payroll the Dodgers have and getting this out of a random $790K pitcher on the staff you expected nothing from. He had a 4.32 ERA in the minors last year! He has an under-7 K/9. ACKSUALLY, imagine having the payroll the Dodgers have and having the devil on the payroll for random soul sellings.

Tanner Scott – 1 2/3 IP, 0 ER, ERA at 2.40 and his 15th save. Incredibly clean save, don’t look up the highlights.

Max Muncy – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 19th homer. Max is the Munciest!

Zack Wheeler – 7 IP, 2 ER, 5 hits, zero walks, 9 Ks, ERA at 2.16. There’s a chance I rank him as the number one starter next year. Unlikely! Sure. But he’s in the discussion.

Chase Burns – 5 IP, 0 ER, 5 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 2.42. Writing these two options prior to the start, “Being terrible after signing a huge contract? Someone wants to play for the Rockies!” Or, “Being great after signing a contract? He must not have signed with the Rockies!”

Elly De La Cruz – 1-for-3 and his 17th homer. I’m wild on E!

Nathaniel Lowe – 1-for-4 and his 12th homer. He reminded of something, remember when JJ Bleday used to play baseball? That was fun.

Eugenio Suarez – 1-for-4 and his 13th homer. Just hit 12 to 15 homers in August and 12 to 15 homers in September. 24 to 30 homers, that’s all I ask!

Julio Rodriguez – 1-for-2 and his 15th homer, a pinch-hit homer, which is what you do with your star in the 2nd half when he’s at his best. You don’t start him. As a skeptical Hanson would say, mmmkay.

Luis Castillo – 7 IP, 3 ER, 6 baserunners, 3 Ks, ERA at 4.85. Who threw the five-inning simulated pregame that let him piggyback?

Carter Jensen – 1-for-4 and his 14th homer, as he hits leadoff, because my beautiful boy Bobby Witt Jr. is out with a back flare-up. [licking a pie tin of whipped cream, seeing a box score and Carter Jensen taking my Witt homer] That’s my pie!

Jo Adell – 2-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 15th homer and 2nd homer in two games. Yesterday our new writer, toolsy, gave you his Jo Adell fantasy. I agree with him. I also told you to buy him last week.

Walbert Urena – 6 IP, 1 ER, 7 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA at 2.78. Love how I drafted Framber and Hunter Brown and my most reliable pitcher is Walbert. Love it! Doesn’t make me crazy-making at all!

Kumar Rocker – 6 IP, 0 ER, 3 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 4.13. The ball is bouncy-bouncy out of everywhere, so now it doesn’t seem too foolish that the Rangers made a stadium that goes from Arlington, Texas to the Gulf, roughly 646 miles, according to Google. I nearly made Kumar the lede, but it felt a little anti-climatic to get to the end and say: Streamonator. (I know that’s what I did with Thornton. It’s a freakin’ joke, lighten up. Besides, I didn’t want to make the entire lede about how of course Kumar’s good simply because the Mets let him go. Enough bagging on the Mets, man!)

Brandon Nimmo – 4-for-4, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 10th homer. Nimmo found one!

Wyatt Langford – 2-for-4, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 11th homer, 2nd homer in three games. Someone really wants to strain their quad.

Kyle Teel – Hit the IL with an ankle sprain. What a lost season for this guy…[thinking how this means sleeper status next year, devious smile]…A real shame.

Mike Yastrzemski – 0-for-2 as he was activated from the IL. To make room, the Braves released Kyle Farmer. Settles once and for all, Carl’s Jr. Jr. is Farmer to table-setter.

Reynaldo Lopez – 4 1/3 IP, 5 ER, ERA at 3.95. I bench Elder and he pitches well. I start Reynaldo and he does a number two. [smacks the computer screen that’s showing my pitchers] Just be normal!

Xander Bogaerts – 1-for-4, 1 run, hitting .220, as he was dropped to 8th in the lineup. Only another seven years on his contract!

Manny Machado – 2-for-5 and his 21st and 22nd homer, and 2nd and 3rd homer in two games. Get hot, you giant ding dong merchant!

Fernando Tatis Jr. – 3-for-5, 2 runs, 3 RBIs and his 8th homer. Save me, Padres! You are my only hope!

Jackson Merrill – 2-for-4 and his 13th homer, and 3rd homer in three games. Okay, he can hot too, I don’t care. By the way, it would be hilarious if the Padres got hot now, so they didn’t sell off pieces at the deadline, then got ice cold again right after the deadline. Classic Padres!

Paul Sewald – 1 IP, 2 ER, ERA at 4.95, and runs in his last three games. I like Kevin Ginkel, Juan Morillo or Ryan Thompson, but I doubt Sewald is removed from the closer role. Though, a phantom IL stint wouldn’t be bad.

Kohl Drake – 5 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 5 Ks in his 1st major league start. Similar to how that guy changed his name to World B. Free, Drake should change his name to either Kohl World or Kendrick V. Drake. I will let him decide on which. In the minors, he had a 4.2 BB/9 and a 6.92 ERA in 66 1/3 IP. It’s Kohl’s world and we’re all just trying to find someone else to Streamonator.

Max Kepler – 2-for-3, 3 RBIs and his 2nd homer. Somebody’s juicing again!

Jacob Wilson – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 7th homer, 2nd homer in two games and third homer since the break. Doesn’t even need to be in Bing Bong to Bing and/or Bong.

Joshua Kuroda-Grauer – Hit the IL as he underwent surgery to repair a ruptured testicle. First, he received an ultrasound on his balls. In layman’s terms (because I was pre-med for one semester in college), this test on the, uh, testes, is, well, imagine a squirrel tapping on an acorn and holding it to its ear to see what they’re working with. If the squirrel gives a thumbs up, then Josh is fine. A squirrel thumbs down, and, well, he needed surgery. That was performed by highly skilled squirrels trained on nuts.