Ryan O’Hearn (4-for-5, 10 RBIs and his 14th, 15th and 16th homer) did what they call in the business, The Swanson. The Swanson is when you’re box score is so full and you can’t eat another bite, then they hit another homer and, boy, now I’m not sure I can have dessert. The Swanson is when you have a month’s worth of stats in one game. The Swanson is when you remind people of your teammates and think, “Hey, where’s Mr. Excitement, Bryan Reynolds, in all the fun? He’s always so much fun! And excitement.” When people aren’t calling what Ryan O’Hearn did The Swanson, they have another name for it. Any guesses what that name is? I’ll give you a hint, it’s the bane of my existence. Ah yes! Ryan O’Hearn also did what some people call, Three Months of Vlad Jr. In One Game. Not bitter at all! Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:
Konnor Griffin – Hit the IL with a torn tendon in his ring finger. And, boys and girls, this is why you don’t try to stick your hand up inside the crane arcade game trying to grab a Labubu. Not saying that’s what he did, that’s just how I injured myself. Reports are saying he won’t be back until September. Brutal news. Had him pretty high in my top 100 for the 2nd half (available on Patreon this week; on site next week), now I’ve removed him.
Paul Skenes – 6 IP, 2 ER, 9 baserunners, 4 Ks, ERA at 3.58. Don’t believe in drafting top starters, but I wouldn’t be opposed to trading for one if you can buy low on Skenes. Nothing looks off under the hood, except his ERA.
Rowdy Tellez – Signed with the Braves. He was reported very excited because he heard the Braves bring in a giant Cookie once a week to pitch for them.
James Wood – 2-for-4, 2 runs and his 25th homer, hitting .270. Please let him hit 50 homers this year. It Wood be fantastic. See what I did there? If you missed, get checked for CTE.
Mike Burrows – Optioned to Sugar Land. He was optioned to an ABC dramedy?
Jose Altuve – 1-for-5 and his 10th homer, and 2nd homer in two games. Finally, my reverse jinx might actually be working in my favor! Altuve, ye of old man suckage, why did I draft you in so many leagues (because of the War Room, thanks for asking), please don’t go off. Oh no, Little Man! Too old! You are sucky! What a shame!
Tatsuya Imai – 3 2/3 IP, 2 ER, ERA at 6.06. Good news is he’ll speak the language when he’s sent back to Japan.
Trevor McDonald – 2 1/3 IP, 8 ER, ERA at 5.46. Might be the most bipolar starter. He goes from great start to “I know you shat my house” with no let-up off the accelerator.
Shohei Ohtani – 1-for-4 and his 20th homer, 2nd homer in two games, and pitched a gem wearing a Justin Wrobleski mask, 7 IP, 1 ER, 8 baserunners, 9 Ks, ERA at 2.69. Wrobleski and EdRod: Awful stats that don’t matter, excellent stats that do matter.
Colt Keith – 1-for-2, 2 RBIs and his 7th homer. Keith, and his elite 13-homer power, lapping Tatis, won’t ever stop being wonderful. Never change, baseball, you wacky sport!
Tarik Skubal – 5 IP, 1 ER, 7 baserunners, 9 Ks, ERA at 3.06. Was thinking after his first inning of three Ks, there is chance here he strikes out 27 guys. Way to raise expectations and ruin what was otherwise a fine start.
Josh Kuroda-Grauer – 3-for-4, hitting .462, and playing still after Jacob Wilson’s return. (JKG was at 2nd, Wilson at SS.) Pointing out a guy without any power, but is a neutral .300 hitter. That could be something you might be interested in. Look at me caring for you like a baby bird. Come here, sit in my pocket so I can feed you fantasy info. Metaphorically! Get out of my shirt pocket!
Ian Seymour – 5 1/3 IP, 3 ER, 5 hits, zero walks, 12 Ks, ERA at 4.11. Forget the freakin’ ERA! 12 Ks and zero walks is an auto-pickup. That’s a pass Go, collect $200 but spend that $200 in FAAB on the Seymour pickups.
Yandy Diaz – 2-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 13th homer. Way to muscle it out, Yandy!
Ben Rice – 3-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 26th homer, 2nd homer in two games, 3rd this week. Rice-a-HRoni!
Will Warren – 4 IP, 6 ER, ERA at 4.15. I was devoted to the cause with Warren, but dropped him about a week or two ago. Here’s how you manage your teams: Drop Warren, pick up Seymour. Frank Viola!
Bryan Woo – 5 IP, 3 ER, 10 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA at 4.23. Bryan Meh.
Cole Young – 1-for-3 and his 10th homer, 3rd homer in eight games. Hot schmotato alert!
Dominic Canzone – 0-for-5, hitting .267, hitting third. M’s said they’re going to start Canzone every day, no matter the pitcher’s handedness. Don’t want to kick a gift manager in the mouth, but I told them to do this in December when I wrote a sleeper post for him. Why does it take MLB teams so much longer than the idiot typing these very words?
Owen Caissie – 1-for-2 and his 12th homer, 3rd homer in a week. Hot schmotato, but he’s also got the most “did he hire Joey Gallo as his own personal hitting coach” strikeout rate I’ve seen in some time.
Heriberto Hernandez – 1-for-2 and his 12th homer, three homers in two games, and three homers in the last four games. Don’t usually mention pinch-hit homers, which this was, but Heriberto is Hotschmotato.
Matthew Boyd – 6 IP, 0 ER, 5 baserunners, 7 Ks, ERA at 4.31. Lowered his ERA from over 5 since I started saying he was a buy low. Okay, that was one start. But still!
Payton Tolle – 6 IP, 0 ER, 3 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 3.14. Appizzarently, he’s fine again. Carry on.
Ceddanne Rafaela – 2-for-5, 2 RBIs and his 8th homer. There’s worst things than being valuable for fantasy and boring, but, Holy Cross, the Red Sox cornered that market.
Andruw Monasterio – 2-for-4 and a slam (4) and legs (2). Fun fact! Monasterio is a luchador that dresses as a masked monk. “Shh! I am Montaserio! The Masked Monk! But first taste my Trappist brew!”
Zack Wheeler – 7 IP, 1 ER, 4 hits, zero walks, 14 Ks, ERA at 2.28. Quick! Get Ken Burns, we need a 12-part doc about Wheeler’s arm and how it bounced back so incredibly.
Kyle Schwarber – 2-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 31st homer. Now leads the majors in Schwarbombs. Also in homers.
Eugenio Suarez – 1-for-4 and his 9th homer, hitting .207. I need him “20 homers in the 2nd half” hot.
Andrew Abbott – 6 IP, 3 ER, 5 hits, zero walks, 8 Ks, ERA at 3.92. His starts are usually more boring than The Bear seasons (everything after the first), but this Abbott start actually isn’t terrible. Streamonator hates his next and I don’t love Abbott, in general, but worth a monocle at least after last night’s.
Byron Buxton – Hit the IL with a hip strain. Obviously not what you want to hear, but I get the sense the Twins are just giving him a rest and he’ll be “fine” soon after the break. Fine in scare quotes because it’s Buxton and he’s never safe from injuries.
Taj Bradley – 7 IP, 1 ER, 3 hits, zero walks, 10 Ks, ERA at 3.67. Taj Ma-ace is back! Or at least Taj-my respectable number three to four starter.
Joey Cantillo – 5 IP, 0 ER, 9 baserunners, 7 Ks, ERA at 3.66. Here’s me starting Cantillo every time, “He’s gonna suck, he’s gonna suck, he’s gonna suck, he…didn’t suck, but also, is that start of his actually good?”
Jacob deGrom – 5 IP, 2 ER, 7 baserunners, 7 Ks, ERA at 3.49. Curious to hear deGrom’s pregame speech to his teammates. Does he say, “Make sure you score exactly the same runs as the other team?”
Jose Soriano – 6 IP, 2 ER, 4 baserunners, 4 Ks, ERA at 3.40. No chance he makes it into my top 100 for the 2nd half, but he could have a month-or-more run in him again. Gonna come down to–Boo! That’s his walks haunting him.
Robert Gasser – 7 2/3 IP, 2 ER, 5 baserunners, 4 Ks, ERA at 4.15. Ludicrous. Someone piss test the Brewers’ pitching coaches!
Jordan Walker – 3-for-8, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 21st homer. At the mall at 7 AM, cruising past the Cinnabon with my three senior friends, “I am the power Walker!”
Ivan Herrera – 2-for-6 and his 11th homer. Herrera-Rocher of nougaty goodness!
Jacob Misiorowski – 7 IP, 3 ER, 3 hits, zero walks, 11 Ks, ERA at 1.62. Lots of hard contact early but settled in nicely. I’m reminded of Spencer Strider. For those under the age of four, congrats on your reading comprehension. Gaga-googoo? Yeah, totally! I’m saying I’m reminded of Strider because he was the best pitcher in the world for a year in 2022, and now he’s trying to find the juice. The juice is elusive! Pitching is incredibly hard. It’s why you shouldn’t pay for pitching. They’re fickle as heckfire. Blake Snell’s a great example. He’s a Cy Young winner every three years, then disappears. You think you’ve seen the best pitcher ever in The IO Update and the next you know the Cardinals are hitting him hard in the early innings. Still a superb start, I’m merely Cust kayin’.
Luis Lara – 1-for-4, 1 run, 2 RBIs, hit 2nd, as he was called up. About two weeks ago, Luis Lara received a multi-million-dollar stipend (called a contract, I believe) and I gave you a Luis Lara fantasy, going over exactly why you should pick him up. Mostly it came down to him being five-seven, which is also my height and if you’re taller than that, you’re weird. I’m sorry. Truth hurts, but it only hurts tall people. Rest of us can handle it. Because I’m a freakin’ giver, here’s the relevant bit, “He has 50-steal speed and makes excellent contact. Could be 15 K% in the majors with a promotion tomorrow, so he’s basically Brice Turang. Call him Basic Turang. Okay, maybe a little less power (prolly closer to 3-5 homers on the year), and he’s seven inches over five feet in the year 26 after 20, so he might hit one homer and .175 because he can’t make hard enough contact in the majors, but the speed will travel, literally.” And that’s me quoting me! This might be a temp call-up because the Brewers have eight games this week, and Lara is under contract, so they can send him down and it’s whatever.
Jorge Polanco – 1-for-4, 1 run, 1 RBI as he was activated from the IL, hitting .183. JoPo doesn’t just sound like a state penitentiary, rostering him feels like being in one!
A.J. Ewing – 4-for-4, 4 runs, 3 RBIs and slam (6) and legs (9). I bet if you asked the Mets’ manager, Andy Green (had to google it), if there’s a reason he’s hitting Ewing leadoff and Benge now fifth, I bet he’d have zero reasons. Would be something like, “Have you seen our record? Who cares?”
Juan Soto – 1-for-5, 3 RBIs and his 20th homer, and 2nd homer in two games. Prayer hands emoji for Sexy Dr. Pepper to go 20/20 in the 2nd half.
Tyler Tolbert – 5-for-6, 4 runs, 2 RBIs and a slam (2) and legs (10), 2nd homer in two games and refuses to make outs, I think. Is Tyler Tolbert really 12 for his last 13? The guy whose name I briefly wrote as Tony Tolbert? He’s hitting better in the majors than he did in the minors. ACKSUALLY, Tolbert hit in 12 straight at-bats, tying the all-time record. Because of course! He tied Walt Dropo, who got his name because he was always in the outhouse. I feel like the little kid on nitrous after the dentist. Is this real life? Tyler Tolbert–Tony Tolbert? Or is it Tyler? He has 60-steal speed, but the Mets are like a protective cup bringing out the nuts in players.
