Rogers Ringers Rangers

“Trevor Rogers shoved, bro!” I hear that, and my first thought is, “I do not have a brother for Rogers to shove.” My second thought is, “Why is he shoving people? Does he need anger management? I am legitimately concerned for Trevor Rogers.” My third thought is, “There’s no third thought.” My fourth thought is, “After that third thought not being there, I kinda lost my train of thought and now I don’t know what we’re talking about anymore. Something about shoving.” So, Trevor Rogers went 8 IP, 0 ER, 3 hits, zero walks, 4 Ks, ERA at 1.62, and baseball is so cool because guys who were left for dead rise again. Not a Zombino, necessarily, but still: Don’t count anyone out. A mechanics shift, a new pitch, a new coach, all these things can help a player. Yesterday, he regularly worked over 96 MPH and threw 72 strikes on 101 pitches. He was at 91.9 MPH last year, and this was the best he’s looked since 2021, when he had a 2.64 ERA. He’s using his sinker more, and better, which is keeping the ball down and causing terrible contact (.218 xBAA vs. .275 last year). Could see adding him in 12-teamers now, as it doesn’t appear to be smoke and mirrors. Should you start your apologies for your slander about the Connor Norby trade? Maybe not yet, but clear your throat with an ahem or two. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Jackson Holliday – 3-for-5, 4 RBIs and his 9th homer, hitting .265. He’s just so meh, is what I was about to say before I realize he’s now passed Grounder Henderson in homers and I’m applying Joker makeup.

Chandler Simpson – Recalled as Kameron Misner was sent down. Grab Simpson everywhere! Do you not have a steals category? Oh, then don’t grab him. But if you’re like 99.9% of the people playing fantasy baseball who need steals, grab him! Now, about him being recalled, there were so many people who were like, “Look at my big brain, and why real baseball matters more than your stupid fantasy baseball. Defense matters!” Oh, yeah? Misner was one of the five best defensive outfielders, and Simpson was one of the worst, so how’s that going now? He’s totally fixed that in three weeks of the minors? What he couldn’t fix in five years of pro ball? Sure.

Tyler Fitzgerald – Optioned to Sacramento. He’ll back up Jacob Wilson, Lawrence Butler and Luis Urias. Kidding. (I think.) Giants made a bit of a surprising move, but a smart one. This means when Chapman returns Casey Schmitt will continue to play, but at 2nd. Good for them and Schmitt, a guy who has been hitting for a few weeks now.

Zach Neto – 3-for-4, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and a slam (12) and legs (13), 2nd homer in two games. We thought he was breaking out in May, when he hit six homers in a month, and in reality he was just hot for that month, and is a very streaky hitter. He had been homerless since June 3rd, prior to Sunday’s pinch-hit homer.

Walker Buehler – 4 IP, 5 ER, ERA at 6.29. Dodgers ruined him forever.

Trevor Story – 2-for-4, 2 runs and his 11th homer, 2nd homer in five games. Rockies ruined him forever. NL West must pay for its sins!

Pavin Smith – 2-for-4, 4 RBIs and his 7th and 8th homer. Speaking of streaky hitters, Pavin Smith may as well be an Old School 1st baseman. As in old school 1st basemen had no power, and as in Old School where they went streaking.

Ketel Marte – 3-for-6, 2 runs and his 14th homer. A shot of Ketel makes your troubles go away. Though, multiple shots might bring on troubles. Shoot in moderation.

Eduardo Rodriguez – 6 IP, 0 ER, 7 baserunners, 10 Ks, ERA at 5.04. Oh hell yeah, Streamonator stream me a stream, baby!

Corbin Carroll – Hit the IL with a fractured wrist. Any…[the world’s longest sigh]…way. Damn, this sucks. Jake McCarthy is being called up to replace him, and that sucks too. I’d guess an absence of four to six weeks, but I don’t know. Hence “guess.”

Shane Smith – 2 IP, 5 ER, ERA at 3.38. I think the Regression Fairies are hitting him harder than they might usually because the Pope likes the White Sox. Can you guys figure this stuff out on your own time?

Alec Burleson – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 9th homer, hitting .307, and 3rd homer in the week. Finally my preseason sleeper showing up!

Lars Nootbaar – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 10th homer, and 2nd homer in four games, hitting .229, which honestly sucks. Nootbaad not not bad. Lars been fars from good. Tell me when he’s gooten better!

Brendan Donovan – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 5th homer, hitting .307. You know who he’s become? Steven Kwan with less speed. Call him Kwaalude.

Nolan Gorman – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 5th homer, hitting .211. No-Go should be hitting 89 MPH gochujang-glazed meatballs in the KBO.

Matthew Liberatore – 7 IP, 2 ER, 7 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA at 3.96. He regressed all the way to the point where he “is what he is,” everyone’s favorite expression which means nothing.

Ben Brown – 5 IP, 8 ER, ERA at 6.13. I’m reminded of Brad Pitt in Moneyball, “If Brown is supposed to be a good pitcher, then why doesn’t he pitch good?” You tried, now lose him.

Bailey Ober – 7 IP, 7 ER, ERA at 4.90. Can the Twins DFA him so I’m no longer tempted to start him? Asking for my mental health.

Carlos Correa – 2-for-4 and his 6th homer. If you told someone who is playing in their first fantasy league how much people used to like Correa, they’d be like, “The country? Because of M.A.S.H.?”

Trevor Larnach – 2-for-3 and his 11th homer. Third homer this month, hitting .260 in that time and I really tried to figure out how to say he was hot.

Dominic Canzone – 2-for-4, 2 runs and his 3rd homer, and 3rd homer in two games. Hot schmotato alert!

Julio Rodriguez – 2-for-5, 2 runs, 4 RBIs and his 11th homer. Where does he go next year in drafts? There’s no way people keep pushing the top 12 overall thing. Unless, I guess, he hits 25 homers in September again.

Luke Raley – 1-for-2, 3 RBIs and his 3rd homer. He homered off Ober, so. Dot dot dot. Does that really count?

Cal Raleigh – 2-for-5, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 32nd homer. I’ve run out of superlatives, like his tailor runs out butt fabric.

Bryan Woo – 6 IP, 2 ER, 7 baserunners, 9 Ks, ERA at 3.12. Woo!

Tommy Pham – 2-for-4, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and a homer, hitting .216. Guess how many homers he has. C’mon! Guess! This was who the Pirates brought in to add offense this offseason. How about this hint: He’s been stabbed as many times as he’s homered.

Christian Yelich – 2-for-3, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 15th homer. Really hope Yelich and Buxton stay healthy all year. Will they? Haha, don’t be daft, man!

Chad Patrick – 5 IP, 4 ER, 10 baserunners, 9 Ks, ERA at 3.72. Streaming Chad (which is different than a hanging Chad) sounds dangerous, but Streamonator loves his next one.

Jeimer Candelario – Activated from the IL and immediately DFA’d. Look at teams making smart moves. I mean, after they made a dumb move by signing him in the first place.

Nick Lodolo – 4 1/3 IP, 1 ER, 6 hits, zero walks, 6 Ks, ERA at 3.63, and out at 94 pitches. Not making it through five innings and having zero walks should be taught in baseball youth camps as what not to do.

Gavin Lux – 1-for-3 and his 4th homer, hitting .263. He’s a 10-homer hitter in a hitters’ park, a pitchers’ park, a bouncey-ball year, a dead ball year, you name it. Lux is nothing but predictable.

Elly De La Cruz – 3-for-4, 2 runs, 3 RBIs and his 18th homer, hitting .272. I love being in on E! like I’m a club kid with nothing but glow sticks to lead the way.

Aaron Judge – 1-for-3 and his 28th homer, hitting .367. Wow, his average really plummeted. Yikes, what a loser!

James Wood – 3-for-5, 3 runs, 4 RBIs and his 22nd homer, hitting .284. Wood I? Ab-so-effin-lutely.

Josh Bell – 2-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 10th homer. He hasn’t done anything all month, but he’s also the type to get smoking hot immediately for five to seven days. So, from whom the Bell tolls? You, if you want.

Mitchell Parker – 6 IP, 3 ER, 8 baserunners, 1 K, ERA at 4.59. Not sure if the Streamonator will ever like him, but it definitely doesn’t the next time he goes out.

Manny Machado – 1-for-5 and his 13th homer, hitting .303. Macho, macho Machado!

Fernando Tatis Jr. – 1-for-5, 3 RBIs and his 15th homer, hitting .267. Fun The Jewels! Fun The Jewels fast!

Jake Cronenworth – 1-for-3 and his 6th homer, hitting .243. I Profar the other guy about to start playing 1st for them.

Ronald Acuña Jr. – 2-for-5, and a slam (9) and legs (3), hitting .396. Tildaddy has past Grounder Henderson in homers; please someone help him. Him being me.

Spencer Schwellenbach – 7 IP, 2 ER, 5 baserunners, 4 Ks, ERA at 3.21. Bringin’ Schwellenbach! Them other boys don’t know how to act (yeah).

Raisel Iglesias – 2/3 IP, 0 ER, 2 hits, ERA at 5.79, as he entered the 8th, and nearly cost them the game. You’ll hear me on this week’s podcast, that was recorded before this outing, say Iglesias might start getting saves again. Yeah, don’t listen to that guy. He’s a big dummy! Any hoo! Dylan Lee (1 1/3 IP, 0 ER, ERA at 1.77) recorded his 2nd save.

Juan Soto – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 17th homer, hitting .254. Sexy Dr. Pepper showing that pop (not as it’s defined in Minnesota)!

Luisangel Acuña – Optioned to the minors. You are not Him. Him being bro, Ronald.

Richard Lovelady – Signed with the Mets and announced he wants to be known as Dicky. Really leaning in there, huh? Change your uniform number to 69, and show up at press conferences wearing nothing but a Nuke LaLoosh garter belt. Move over Seymour Weiner in Mets’ lore and enter Dicky Lovelady. Going from Richard Lovelady to Dicky Lovelady is like a Solomon Fin Hornee saying he prefers to be known as So F’in Hornee. Dicky knows how juvenile people like me are! Why would he do this? What’s next for Dicky Lovelady? Saying he actually wants his middle name used, Dicky Longtime Lovelady?