I was gonna make this about just Blaze Alexander (1-for-4, 3rd homer), but I wrote Just Blaze and started listening to Jay Z songs for 45 minutes. Now if you can’t respect that, your whole perspective is whack, maybe you’ll love me when I fade to black. This was Blaze’s 2nd homer this week, and his minor league numbers are 8/11/.284 in 54 games, and, at 26, there’s potential here for deeper mixed leagues. I grabbed him this week because of the Hitter-Tron. Thanks, you horny robot! Ya know in Brewster’s Millions where Richard Pryor has to lose all his money to inherit the money? Could the DBags have a similar deal where the longer they manage to find ways to block Jordan Lawlar the more Honus Wagner rookie cards their owner gets? Could be, right? Geraldo Perdomo (2-for-5, 2 RBIs and his 12th homer, hitting .286) hits third and plays short every day, and doesn’t seem to be in danger of losing his job to Lawlar. Next up, Corbin Carroll (2-for-5, 2 RBIs, 26th homer), and now four homers in five games. Did Corbin Carroll and Josh Naylor body switch? Is this another sequel, this one Freakiest Friday? Next up, Tyler Locklear (2-for-5) hit his 2nd homer. Love me some Locklear. Excuse me, je t’adore, I love Locklears, lears, lears, Locklears, I do adore. (Also Just Blaze, he did a lot of Jay Z songs.) Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:
Ryne Nelson – 5 1/3 IP, 5 ER, ERA at 3.46. Someone heard the ol’ nugget, “Pitch to the score.” Bad nugget hearer!
Andrew Hoffmann – 1 2/3 IP, 1 ER, ERA at 3.00, and his 2nd blown save. Shame about the DBags’ pen, and so it was written. Maybe they’ll go to Backhus or Saalfrank next, and now you’re thinking, “He made up at least one of those names, didn’t he?”
Wyatt Langford – 1-for-4,3 RBIs and his 16th homer. Went to look at the Player Rater to see how well Langford was doing, saw him behind Adolis Garcia, Trent Grisham and Paul Goldschmidt and I vomited in my mouth, spit it on the floor and it spelled out, “Not great!” I’d say, vomit!
Nathan Eovaldi – 5 IP, 5 ER, ERA at 1.71. I figured regression would come in June, so this is all gravy. Therefore, Eovaldi’s The Gravy Boat and I’m glugging giblets!
Cristian Javier – 5 IP, 2 ER, 5 baserunners, 5 Ks, as he was activated from the IL. I will be excited for him in the preseason of next year if he stays healthy and throws a decent 30 IP. I am in no way interested this year. Could you grab him and watch what happens? Are you Andy Cohen? I guess so. In the minor leagues, while he rehabbed from Tommy John surgery, he went 5.14 ERA, 1.79 WHIP with a 15:15 K:BB in 14 innings. Wow, he’s in midseason form! Unfortunately, it’s Patrick Corbin’s midseason.
Josh Hader – Couldn’t pitch yesterday due to a sore shoulder, and is undergoing tests. Oh, boy, that could be bad–Grab Bryan Abreu right now. Stop playing games and grab him! He could be a top five closer if he’s getting saves–It is a real shame if Hader needs an IL stint–Seriously, what are you waiting for? Get Abreu!–A real, real shame.
Chas McCormick – 1-for-3, 2 RBIs and his 1st homer. I guessed 175 at-bats, and it wasn’t even close. He hit his 1st homer in barely 80 ABs. Good on you, McCormick! I had no faith.
Alex Bregman – 2-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 15th homer. Somehow, he will opt out of his Red Sox contract and get an even bigger contract and everyone will be like, “Yeah, of course, he’s awesome.” Awesome?! He’s got 15 homers in the middle of August! Screaming like Kinison, “AHHH!!! 15 homers!!! Ooh, he’s good with helping young players in the clubhouse! Who cares!!! Hit homers!!!”
Abraham Toro – 1-for-3 and his 7th homer. Can’t believe Toro became the Red Sox 1st baseman and they got better. Something’s fishy.
Roman Anthony – 2-for-5, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 3rd homer. I’m in Camp Roman Will Be A Star and I’m kayaking the Charles.
Garrett Crochet – 4 IP, 5 ER, ERA at 2.48. He was within a whisper of taking over for Skubal on the Player Rater as the top starter. Whisper no more.
Andrew Abbott – 7 2/3 IP, 3 ER, 6 baserunners (zero walks), 6 Ks, ERA at 2.41. I should not have so much stress starting a guy, but I started Abbott in multiple leagues, then shut off the TV, afraid I would see an update of some sort, and then have to shoot my TV Elvis-style. Any hoo! We (I) got through this start, one more this week, please don’t hurt daddy.
Taijuan Walker – 6 IP, 1 ER, 7 baserunners, 2 Ks, ERA at…guess. Go ahead! It’s Taijuan Walker! He’s available in every league and you don’t even consider him because he’s Taijuan Walker! So, what’s his ERA? Bzzt, wrongo! His ERA is 3.39. Streamonator hates his next one, but it’s against the Nats. That’s that bad? Rhetorical! Phils would also be better with Walker than Nola. Doing a Cust kayin’ here.
Kyle Schwarber – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 42nd homer. Ohtani is in the lead on the Player Rater for the number one spot, and Judge has moved into three. Schwarber? Right outside the top three. An insane year. Goes unremarked too much because I’m too busy talking about random schmohawks who are on waivers.
Miles Mikolas – 6 2/3 IP, 2 ER, 5 baserunners, 3 Ks, ERA at 4.97. I have the pants grapes to stream Mikolas and his incredibly awful pitching and I can’t be rewarded with a little win action? That’s not fair! It was the Suckies! He should’ve beat them! The movable object vs. the stoppable force! He’s movable and they’re stoppable!
Chase Dollander – 5 IP, 1 ER, 8 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA at 6.35, as he was recalled. If you pick him up, I can call the police and say you’re abusing your fantasy team, and don’t think I won’t.
Cade Cavalli – 5 IP, 4 ER, 10 baserunners, 3 Ks, ERA at 3.86. Saw people adding him off waivers this week, and I googled, “What’s an emoji that signals someone else is desperate and doing a stinky poo-poo face?” Google returned no results. It really is broken.
Paul DeJong – 2-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 4th homer, and he had a slam and legs on Saturday. Colonel Mustard with the spackle in the basement!
Josh Bell – 1-for-5, 2 RBIs and his 15th homer, 2nd homer in three games. No one tell Bell he’ll never get claimed on waivers to get traded after the deadline.
Kyle Isbel – 1-for-3, 2 RBIs and his 4th homer, hitting near-.410 in August. Elias Sports Bureau said, “This is the first time a Bell and someone who identifies as a bell homered in the same game.”
Salvador Perez – 2-for-4, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 21st homer, hitting .248. Sal P. putting some cheese on it!
Cody Bellinger – 1-for-4 and his 21st homer. He gets into the ball and it just goes so high, like him during a Cheech and Chong mari-thon.
Giancarlo Stanton – 2-for-4 and his 11th homer. Not saying he’s hitting for power because of this, but I did send my underwear to the Yankees c/o Giancarlo. Can’t hurt, right?
Ben Rice – 2-for-4 and his 17th homer. He’s at 19 games caught, I think, but who’s counting? I am, I’m trying to count.
Jazz Chisholm Jr. – 1-for-3 and a slam (20) and legs (15), hitting .238. I know the IL stint caused him to miss about a month. I am sympathetic to that (I just sounded like Stephen A. Smith in my head), but 20/15/.238 in mid-August? Why do I always get the boring-slash-bad years from Jazz?
Will Warren – 6 2/3 IP, 2 ER, 3 hits, zero walks, 7 Ks, ERA at 4.34. Watched some of this start (once Abbott was in the clear and I could turn the TV on again), and Warren’s stuff looks unhittable at times. Very similar to the next blurb:
Zebby Matthews – 5 2/3 IP, 3 ER, 7 baserunners, 9 Ks, ERA at 5.11. His stuff looks very good for 95% of the pitches, but then [raspberries lips]. He either starts tipping (I think everyone is tipping this year who does poorly) or he just loses focus, because the majority is great, then there’s a few meatballs. Zebby & The Meatballs sounds like a ska band, and for that he should have a price to pay. By the way, went to look at his Wiki page to see what his name was short for. It’s Zebulon. Parents were Scientologists, huh?
Byron Buxton – 1-for-4 and his 24th homer as he was activated from the IL. Kevin from ESPN’s “Get Him In Your Lineup” Department said, “Sure, I can move my car. I only parked my Cherokee in one of the EV charging ports, because I was charging my phone at the time.”
Trevor Larnach – 1-for-3 and his 16th homer, hitting .243, three homers in a week. Hot schmotato alert! (Assuming he keeps playing, watch now as Baldelli platoons him out.)
Rafael Devers – 1-for-4 and his 23rd homer, 3rd homer in four games, hitting .256. If you take his name away and only look at his stats, he basically does the same thing every year — 28/3/.260.
Yu Darvish – 6 IP, 1 ER, 4 hits, zero walks, 6 Ks, ERA at 5.61. Two starts ago was 7 IP, 0 ER, and three starts ago was 3 1/3 IP, 8 ER. Do you have any faith it will be more the former than the latter? Do you even know which is the former and which is the latter? Because I rarely do.
Zach Neto – 3-for-3, 3 runs, and his 18th and 19th homer. That’s no way to treat Ohtani’s return to Anaheim. Show him some Anaheim hospitality, and have Gwen Stefani serenade him with her new ska band, Zebby & The Meatballs.
Jose Soriano – 6 IP, 0 ER, 4 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 3.84. Clearly, he knew no one was starting him vs. the Dodgers, so he pitched sublimely (another nod to 90’s Orange County).
Max Muncy – 1-for-3, 3 RBIs and his 17th homer, in roughly five games. All this guy does is hit homers and get injured, and right now he’s not injured.
Shohei Ohtani – 1-for-3 and his 42nd homer. Must’ve felt oddly familiar for him to be back in Anaheim and homer then lose the game.
Yoshinobu Yamamoto – 4 2/3 IP, 6 ER, ERA at 2.84. With Snell and Glasnow back and Roki making his way, the Dodgers are overdue to lose a pitcher to injury.
Shea Langeliers – 3-for-4, 2 runs and his 24th homer, 2nd homer in three games. See Colson Montgomery’s blurb down below for more.
Tyler Soderstrom – 1-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 22nd homer. Soderstrom sparkled on a day Jeffrey Springs (3 1/3 IP, 4 ER, ERA at 4.06) sprung a leak; Esteury runs nowhere but through our hearts. Seal it tight in the envelope to the Pulitzer committee.
Shane McClanahan – Underwent season-ending nerve surgery. What a mess. Now this is just depressing.
Brandon Lowe – 2-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 23rd homer, 3rd homer in four games and fourth homer in a week. If he played all his games in a minor league park–Oh, wait.
Junior Caminero – 3-for-4, 2 runs and his 33rd homer, five homers in the last week. Of course, he’s no giant-assed Cal, but Caminero appears be headed for the quietest 40-homer seasons.
Chris Paddack – 5 2/3 IP, 1 ER, 4 baserunners, 4 Ks, ERA at 4.76. Streamonator doesn’t like his next one, and I don’t trust him, but I would’ve missed last night’s stream, so don’t listen to my gut. Also, get your ear off my belly!
Spencer Torkelson – 2-for-4 and his 26th homer. Ya know someone who is not getting any respect? Yes, Torkelson. Of course it’s him! I’m in his blurb saying it! If he finishes with 32 homers and .250? That’s not really that bad.
Colson Montgomery – 1-for-3 and his 10th homer, and 10th homer in the 2nd half. Only Langeliers (12) and Schwarber (11) have more in the 2nd half. Colson Montgomery making a play for the top 100 over in 2026 drafts, after not being in the discussion for the top 250 three weeks ago. Absurd.
Jose Quintana – 6 IP, 1 ER, 4 baserunners, 3 Ks, ERA at 3.44. Last night I stayed at a La Quinta and spraypainted “na” on the end, telling the front desk clerk it’s not for Not Applicable, and being fined an extra night stay.
Brice Turang – 1-for-4 and his 11th homer, and 3rd homer in four games. Can I be a greedy little jerk? I want the 50 steals he did last year. These homers are fine, and the thirty points more in average is sweet, but Turang should not be running dead-even with Josh Naylor in steals.
Christian Yelich – 2-for-4 and his 22nd homer. Member the last time the Brewers lost? I don’t. Ueck is up in Big Sky Country, looking down, saying he must be in the front row, turning water into Miller and Andrew Vaughn into an All-Star.
