“That guy does not look familiar.” “Which guy?” “That guy on the mound.” “The Wade Miley fella?” “Yeah.” “Did he used to serve us coffee at The Blue Danube?” “I don’t think so. That guy’s name was Ronnie. And he had dreads.” “But he was white.” “Yeah, Ronnie was a white guy with dreads. He looked like he had a smelly undercarriage.” “I don’t disagree. So… This guy… This Wade Miley guy… He just looks so unfamiliar. He just threw a 6 IP, 1 ER, 3 baserunners, 5 Ks start against the Cubs with a 2.12 ERA. Do you know him?” “No, but ever since we were talking about a white guy with dreads I’ve wanted to sing Informer by Snow.” Wade Miley as an ace and Bumble profiles that read, “5′ 7″, 120 lbs., fitness model who loves cooking and cleaning and sex” are often very similar. Expectations and reality don’t always run hand in hand. Before picking up Miley, do me one favor. Ask Edwin Jackson owners how the experience was owning him. Though since they’re probably your competition they may lie to you. Those bastards! Maybe you can ask Jackson yourself since he’s probably on waivers. Can Miley be lights out? I suppose, there’s not much time left, but there’s nothing jumping out that says he’s suddenly a Cy Young contender. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:
Marcell Ozuna – 2-for-5 and his 17th and 18th homer, hitting .272. OZUNA needs to get to 25 homers this year for me to have renewed faith in him. Grey has no faith in OZUNA to get to 25 homers this year. Grey and OZUNA painted into logic corner.
Paul DeJong – 2-for-4, 3 runs and his 16th homer. Please welcome, Sisqo, singing his smash hit, The JeDong Song!
Patrick Wisdom – 1-for-5 and his 3rd homer. If any team can randomly get production from some guy no one is talking about, it is the Cardinals. They could start Manuel Margot and make me not look stupid for writing a sleeper post about him every year!
Yadier Molina – 2-for-4, 2 runs, 4 RBIs and his 17th homer. He hit a grand slam in the 9th inning yesterday to put the game out of reach, or so it seemed at the time…
Jordan Hicks – 1/3 IP, and his 6th save, ERA at 3.01. The Cards’ bullpen gave up a truckload of runs in the 9th to make it close. I bet Bud Norris was somewhere wanting to give it the ol’ college try, but the Cards went to Jordan Hicks for the final out, and I would grab him if you’re needing the SAGNOF.
Rafael Devers – As he was activated from the DL and didn’t start. My guess is he’s now a platoon partner with Eduardo Nunez (0-for-5, 1 RBI). Hopefully, Devers can shake that label next year, but they did give him more runway than Scully to get his shizz together this year.
Dansby Swanson – Took a pitch off his cantaloupe and left the game. You’ll have to excuse him if he’s feeling melancholy.
Sean Newcomb – 4 1/3 IP, 3 ER, ERA at 3.92. Lucky that the Braves have sixteen younger and better pitchers, because Newcomb feels like he’s headed for shoulder surgery next year. *writes down Post-it to self for title, Comb Over.*
Andrew Heaney – 6 IP, 4 ER, 8 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA at 4.16 vs. Mike Minor – 5 IP, 2 ER, 4 baserunners, 7 Ks, ERA at 4.31. Perfect matchup because every time I see them, I say to myself, “Heaney, meeny, Minor or Chaz Roe, pick a streamer by the toe.” Thankfully, I never land on Chaz Roe.
Shohei Ohtani – 1-for-4 and his 16th homer. I’ve completely flip-flopped on where I think Ohtani would have the most value for fantasy, and I wish the Angels would just stop trying to make the pitching thing happen and let him get 500 ABs. The preceding will now be acted out by Clarence and Jimmy Stewart. After Jimmy reads his poem about his dog named Beau.
Elvis Andrus – 1-for-3, 2 runs and his 6th homer, and 2nd homer in as many games. As bad as Andrus has been, and it’s been pretty bad, Adrian Beltre homered yesterday. Dot dot dot. His 9th! Woof! They have ranges in Texas to put guys out to pasture, don’t they?
Lucas Giolito – 1 1/3 IP, 4 ER, ERA at 5.85. “Hello, reflection, we have roped in as many fantasy baseballers as we can with three straight Quality Starts. Now, I must screw them in the…Bummer.” That was Giolito talking to himself as Aaron Bummer walked into his line of vision.
German Marquez – 6 2/3 IP, 2 ER, 9 baserunners, 11 Ks, ERA at 4.05 vs. Dereck Rodriguez – 6 IP, 1 ER, 7 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 2.41. Okay, so double sonavabenchings from these two guys, likely, but you couldn’t start them in Coors, and if you did, I still think it was an unnecessary risk, even if it worked out.
Gorkys Hernandez – 1-for-4 and his 15th homer. Exhibit 1,290,9276 why you can’t start pitchers in Coors. This was Gorkys’ 2nd homer in as many games in Coors, because Coors makes everyone a home run hitter. Gorkys has 7 homers on the year in his home park and has seven homers vs. the Rockies, and Coors is the only other away field he’s hit more than one homer at — four in eight games.
Joe Musgrove – 6 1/3 IP, 2 ER, 5 baserunners, 8 Ks, ERA at 3.75. We’re at the point where I’m dropping nearly anyone if their next matchups aren’t good, but Musgrove is a fave of mine and the Stream-o-Nator for his next start.
Starling Marte – 2-for-4, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 18th homer, hitting .278. That was only his 5th homer in the 2nd half, which sounds like I’m spreading on I Can’t Believe It’s Not Better, but, wait, it gets worse! His steals in the 2nd half: 5 vs. 7 caught stealings and he had 25 SBs in the 1st half with only five caught stealings. Somebody tossed out the portrait of him in his attic.
Scooter Gennett – 2-for-4 and his 21st and 22nd homer, and 2nd and 3rd homer in two days, hitting over .500 in the last week. If you can read this shirt, it’s because you thought Scooter fell off.
Ryan Borucki – 6 IP, 2 ER, 5 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA at 4.39 vs. 7 Rays pitchers and the Human Milk Carton, Sergio Romo with the save! Glad to see Romo’s still alive. Conspiracy is dead, I repeat, conspiracy is dead. Romo is alive. Unless that was Kevin Cash wearing Romo jersey. Conspiracy is alive! I repeat, conspiracy is alive!
Yuli Gurriel – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 10th homer, and 2nd homer in as many games. Hot schmotato alert!
Miguel Sano – Left yesterday’s game with a leg bruise. If it were leg braise, he’d eat that thing right off at the hip.
Robbie Ray – 6 1/3 IP, 0 ER, 4 baserunners, 10 Ks, ERA at 4.25. *sharpens Ginzu knife* Screams, “Seppuku!” As I’m dying, “Why can’t Ray do this while I own him?” Sees something in colon, “There’s that Matchbox car I swallowed in the 2nd grade.”
Francisco Mejia – 0-for-1 as he was called up by the Padres. He was traded from the Indians, when the Padres were singing Deniece Williams’, “Let’s give those boys a Hand,” and the Indians took them seriously. He hit 7 HRs and .328 after the trade in only 31 games in Triple-A, which is great. Mejia interests me a lot for dynasty and keeper leagues, and leaves me yawning in redrafts. Are the Padres just going to bench Hedges? Better chance they’re in the dugout like Jim Leyland smoking Benson & Hedges. At best, Mejia will split time with Hedges and will be worth picking up on days he plays.
Stephen Piscotty – 1-for-2 and his 22nd homer, and his 4th homer in the last week, and third time I’ve mentioned him to you to pick up, so why haven’t you? I know someone who has no idea.
Luke Voit – 1-for-4 and his 8th homer, 7th homer in the last 12 games. While dem suckas be like playin’ to have Maas appeal.
Michael Conforto – 1-for-5, 2 RBIs and his 21st homer, and his 2nd homer in the last three games. Conforto > Piscotty in long term, but Piscotty > Conforto in short term. No, > are not nose emojis. This is not about Jon Niese.
Yasiel Puig – Began serving a two-game suspension for inciting a bench-clearing incident. Puig still denies his involvement, saying, “I’m a licker, not a fighter.”
Austin Barnes – 1-for-2, 2 runs, 3 RBIs and a slam (2) and legs (4), hitting .207. Comatose Austin Barnes Drafter, “Hey, I grabbed Barnes in March because I knew Grandal would never play over him. C’mon, high five my brilliant move! Hey, why’s everyone leaving my hospital room? Don’t divert your eyes from me!”
Wade LeBlanc – 6 IP, 0 ER, 7 baserunners, 4 Ks, ERA at 3.56. AL’s Wade Miley with better Ks, but more neutral luck. I will call him Wade LeBlank.
Robinson Cano – 3-for-3, 2 runs and his 7th homer. It was reported there was an altercation in the M’s clubhouse yesterday between teammates prior to the game. Can’t imagine why with Nelson Cruz, Dee Gordon and Robinson Cano there would be any ‘roid rage.
J.T. Realmuto – 2-for-3 and his 19th and 20th homer. If you own him this year, you will always long for the salad days of Jerry Tomato.
Maikel Franco – Phils said he will undergo an MRI on his hand and wrist in the next day or so. Hilarious, the Phils are less anxious to get Maikel back in the lineup than his H2H owners.
Jake Arrieta – 7 1/3 IP, 4 ER, 10 baserunners, 11 Ks, ERA at 3.61. I streamed Arrieta for this game, so first person account: Why did Kapler leave him in for the 8th inning to give up an extra run? Kapler has never seen a starter who is coasting that he couldn’t randomly pull from a game before. Ma nishtana, Kapler?
Carlos Santana – 2-for-5, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 21st homer. Oye como yay!
Asdrubal Cabrera – 2-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 23rd homer and 2nd in as many games. Member when Rhys Hoskins used to hit homers for the Phils? Me too, but barely. #Metoo butt barely is a totally different thing, and will get you banned from town hall meetings.
Danny Duffy – 2/3 IP, 3 ER, ERA at 4.88, and left the game with diminished velocity. The Royals are saying he could finally get shut down after he had a flare up of a shoulder problem in April. At some point, major league teams will figure out PRP isn’t the same as BRB.
Yandy Diaz – 3-for-4, 3 runs, 2 RBIs and his 1st homer. Which one you got: This game from Yandy or every stat you might get from Donaldson the rest of this year? Thinking Yandy might’ve just won that.
Mike Clevinger – 6 IP, 1 ER, 4 baserunners, 10 Ks, ERA at 3.11. Racist! Though, not because of the whole Indians thing. By the way, it is hilarious how the Indians decided to get rid of Chief Wahoo after this season. Not hilarious they’re getting rid of him, that’s about sixty years past the point. It’s hilarious they playing one final year with him. Like it’s Elton John’s farewell tour. Is Chief Wahoo getting a plaque at each stop on his farewell tour? Being handed a pair of burning Nikes? Maybe Elton and Wahoo can do a joint farewell tour, Tiny Dancer while Chief Wahoo makes it rain?