Uh-oh, I feel a rhyme coming on. Chris Carter‘s schmotato was born on August 4th wearing the Astros hat, 40 ounces he doesn’t pour forth cause that forty-oh is his bat. If you can’t respect that your whole perspective is wack, maybe you’ll love him when he goes by Charlie Really Black. Man, he was conceived as Hurry K’d Carter, but that was just for fun, big hands, I know you’re the one. What’s this a Violent Femmes mash-up, must be the Grey album. Eggs over easy, Carter’s going swat! What’s that albumen? No, it’s snot! So, Carter now has 7 homers in the last ten games. If he could only hit .260, he’d an exact clone of a young Ryan Howard. We want mo’ Howard! Nyuck, nyuck, nyuck! Instead, we’ll take what Carter’s giving now, which is crazy power and Ks. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:
Dexter Fowler – Aiming to return today. If today was a toilet, he’d have a mess on his hands since he was aiming to return before the All-Star break. “If today was a toilet” is also the title of a Maya Angelou poem, I believe.
George Springer – Will rest his quad for two weeks in Quad Cities. May I suggest moving him to Healthy, Oklahoma? I’d be surprised if you get anything from Springer the rest of this season. Astros won’t risk their star just so they can win 60 games instead of 59.
Collin McHugh – 6 IP, 1 ER, 4 baserunners, 3 Ks, ERA down to 3.08. Has a K/9 of 9.8 and a 2.9 BB/9. In plain English. He should be owned everywhere.
Jake Marisnick – 2-for-4, 2 runs and his 1st homer. Okay, I’m sold! (Was actually sold last year.) Marisnick has 30-steal speed with ten homer power. Like everyone on the Astros, he could hit .220, but is worth the gamble on an upside flyer.
Ricky Nolasco – Will return to the Twins rotation on Friday. I wouldn’t grab Nolasco if you’re gluten free. That’s gluten for punishment free. I shorten it.
Oswaldo Arcia – 2-for-4, 3 RBIs and two homers (9, 10). Member way back in June when he had 5 homers in like three weeks? I don’t either, my intern slid me that note. Leave me alone, or write this yourself! Sorry, okay, I’m back. Arcia has 20-homer power and is a decent gamble if you need that sorta thing.
Kennys Vargas – 1-for-4 and his 2nd homer. Has now tied Joe Mauer for the Twins homer lead. Kidding. Sorta.
Manny Machado – Diagnosed with a sprain in his knee ligament. The O’s are optimistic and obsequious and oatmeal. Okay, they’re just using O words now. More will be known today about his knee, but it sounds less than promising for this year, but not as bad as last year. I.e., a sprain is better than a tear, at least that’s what eHow tells me.
J.J. Hardy – Hopes to return from his sprained thumb on Friday. For now, his thumb will stay dressed as a miniature hospital patient with Xs for eyes.
Andrelton Simmons – Still missing in action. Andrelton, phone home.
B.J. Upton – 1-for-3 and his 9th homer as he hit 8th in the lineup. Ma nish ta nah, tonight’s different because Fredi moved B.J. down the order. No, you’re out of order! Okay, I need a nap. *claps hands* I’m back!
Mike Minor – 6 2/3 IP, 3 ER, 9 baserunners, 7 Ks, ERA down to 5.33. Decent enough start, which hasn’t been the norm for him. A decent enough start that you can probably get from streaming using the Stream-o-Nator, but I guess if you like to roster names you know, there ya go. How’s that for the hard sell?
Dan Haren – 6 IP, 2 ER, 7 baserunners, 7 Ks, ERA down to 4.50. Same cup of joe as Minor. Go with Joe Blow, who has a good matchup, or Joe You Know? Joe Blow is more appealing to me.
Carl Crawford – 3-for-4, 1 run. Two days in a row I’ve mentioned Crawford. I don’t expect a return to 2007 Crawford, but he’s hitting near-.400 in the last week. Hot schmotato!
Jayson Werth – Had an MRI on his shoulder, and Matt Williams said he thought he’d avoid the DL. Guess Werth was just filling up his MRI punch card.
Michael Taylor – 2-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 1st homer. C’mon, Werth, hit the DL! Right, Michael Taylor? Right? Hmm, no answer. Maybe cause I’m just typing that. Hold on, I’ll scream it out my window. Well, still no answer. I like Taylor a lot, nice speed/power combo, Bowden Fluffer, yadda3. He doesn’t necessarily have a starting job yet.
Bryce Harper – 2-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 5th homer. Wow, had given up hope on expecting anything from him. That’s like when you’re giving away your jeans at the Salvation Army and you find a twenty in a pocket. Not expecting it, but later, suckas, I’ll take it.
Anthony Rendon – 1-for-5 and his 16th homer. Has an outside chance for a 20/15 season. In other words, what you were hoping from David Wright in March. Or maybe praying for from Pedroia. Or realistically expecting from Hanley.
Ian Desmond – 1-for-3, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 20th homer. Shine on you crazy Desmond!
Doug Fister – 7 IP, 7 baserunners, 3 Ks. This game was Fister and the Mess. Ain’t that the truth?
Jed Lowrie – Diagnosed with a hairline fracture on his thumb. He will try to play through it, and since he has 5 homers and a .238 average on the year, how much worse could things get?
Josh Donaldson – 3-for-4, 3 runs, 4 RBIs and two homers (24, 25). Impressive he’s within sneezing distance of 30 homers. That’s assuming he’s allergic to great fantasy value.
Sam Fuld – 3-for-5, 2 runs. When I was just a baby, my mama told me. Son, always be a good boy, don’t ever play with Sam Fuld. But I need SAGNOF just to watch him run.
Brandon Moss – 4-for-5, 2 RBIs. Basically, everyone had a big day on the A’s, except Derek Norris, 0-for-5. Holy ticker tease!
Norichika Aoki – 2-for-4, 1 run, 1 RBI, hitting near-.350 in the last week with 4 steals. Aoki-doki!
Homer Bailey – Due to a sore elbow, he was pushed back until Sunday. Lowercase yay. Can he hacky-sack the ball to the catcher on Sunday too? Maybe Devin Mesoraco can catch with no mask and hitters will be just too scared to bat. This sounds like terrible news, that hopefully turns into a false alarm. I’ll be leading everyone in a prayer octagon later today.
Mat Latos – 7 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA down to 2.95. Mean’s while, his wife simply tweeted, “Talk to the hand, cause the ears don’t understand big words.”
Devin Mesoraco – 3-for-4, 1 RBI. Don’t look now, Mesoraco’s hitting! No, seriously, don’t look now, Uncle Fester, is hitting.
Anthony Ranaudo – Will start on Wednesday for the Sawx. His Triple-A numbers are pretty whatever — 7.5 K/9, 3.6 BB/9 — and I’d prefer to hoist the world on my shoulders before streaming Ant-Ran in mixed leagues.
Joe Kelly – 6 IP, 2 ER, 8 baserunners, 4 Ks and a steal. Last pitcher I saw steal something was Jeff Reardon.
Yoenis Cespedes – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 19th homer. Don’t you want to scream his name like it’s Eunice Higgins? “MAMA!” “Yoenis! You need to stop snooping!” Okay, must be just me.
Jarred Cosart – 7 IP, 0 ER, 4 baserunners, 3 Ks, ERA down to 2.92 on the Marlins, 4.27 overall. Jarred rover, Jarred rover, I don’t want you over on my team.
Mike Dunn – Got the one out save yesterday because Steve Cishek had thrown 26 pitches the night before, and three of the past four nights. At least that’s what the Marlins are saying, but Cishek hasn’t been good recently — 5 ER in his last 4 games. Not to mention, every time I type Cishek, I hear Missy Elliott’s Gossip Folks song, and it drives me nuts — Cishek, my izzy, kizzy on my gizzard, shizzy, bizzy, forizzy. What are you saying?! I grabbed A.J. Ramos in the RCL, where I’m desperate for saves, Bryan Morris could also be the guy. Dunn hasn’t been bad, but he’s a lefty and seems situational. Basically, everyone’s been better than Cishek — izzy, kizzy on my gizzard, shizzy, bizzy, forizzy — but he could also just keep the job.
Adam Wainwright – 7 IP, 3 ER, 8 baserunners, 4 Ks, ERA up to 2.34. Hey, it’s the Count!
Kyle Hendricks – 7 1/3 IP, 0 ER, 7 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA down to 1.73. His minor league Ks haven’t completely translated, and they prolly won’t because he doesn’t throw very hard. He does have terrific control which should keep him in games, and he has a decent next matchup on the Stream-o-Nator.
Anthony Rizzo – 1-for-3 and his 26th homer. HR to the Rizzo!
Kole Calhoun – 3-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 12th homer. Watch out, he’s got Ginger power. Same power that made Carrot Top a headliner at the Luxor. Hmm, that’s a terrible example.
Justin Verlander – His MRI showed soreness and no structural damage. Forget the MRI, just write his ERA on a piece of paper and put it on the X-ray light box. He says he doesn’t need the DL and someone needs to step in and save Verlander from himself. Put him on ice for two months and let him thaw out over the winter.
Robbie Ray – 5 IP, 4 ER, 8 baserunners, 5 Ks as he filled in for Anibal. Robbie Ray’s better than Martha Raye, but only barely. I just got the willies writing bare and Martha Raye in the same sentence.
Alex Avila – 2-for-4 and his 9th homer. I saw his 2-for-3 on Monday night and I was like, “Should I mention Avila or stare at my mustache in the mirror?” Well, I didn’t mention him, and I’m not sure how much there is to say now. Maybe he’s a short-term schmotato, but if you have an erection for longer than four hours after picking him up, see a doctor. Not Dr. James Andrews though, your urethra will end up in Matt Moore’s elbow.
Neil Walker – Didn’t go to the DL, but instead he’s going The Dread Pirate route and will sit out for a few days and then go on the DL when the Pirates get around to it. Watching the Pirate management react to injury news is like watching Robert De Niro react in Awakenings. Oh, Flubber, another Robin Williams movie. Quick story, Cougs’ aunt was a producer for SNL during the 80’s, and Robin Williams was the guest host one week. He gets there on Monday and tells my aunt-in-law that he was hanging out in Central Park and came across someone that was hilarious and had to be on the show. He gives her the name, Broadway Bob, and where he was performing in the park. So, she goes out to the park and it turns out Broadway Bob is a homeless person. She brings Bob back to 30 Rock and Robin puts him in a sketch, but Bob can’t remember any lines, he just keeps saying Robin’s name. Robin eventually conceded they couldn’t make it work and they needed to move along, but Robin had him stay for the dress rehearsal and took him out to dinner afterwards. I wonder if Lauren Bacall ever did that shizz!
Gerrit Cole – Will make another rehab start, which was one of the options I wrote for your twinklers yesterday. Cole hasn’t done much this year, and I wouldn’t hold my breath on him returning. Not to mention, you need to breathe.
Edinson Volquez – 6 IP, 2 ER, 7 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA down to 3.67. Didn’t you think his ERA was much higher? You’ve been a victim of the Volqan mind meld. ‘Live long and prosper,’ my ass!
Travis Snider – 2-for-4, 1 RBI and two homers the night before. It’s almost like Snider is giving the middle finger to Nolan Reimold. Eat that, you fellow post-post-post-post-post-post-post-post-POST-post-HYPE prospect!
Chris Sale – 8 IP, 0 ER, 6 baserunners, 12 Ks, ERA down to 2.01. I think I might draft him in the 2nd round next year in one league. Just so I can know what it’s like to own unsoiled wonderful. Then, of course, he’ll get hurt in March and need Toomy John surgery. And Toomy John surgery hasn’t even been invented yet!
Matt Lindstrom – Activated from the DL after lighting up the scoreboard in rehab games. Unfortch, it was the visitor’s scoreboard as he allowed seven runs in 4 2/3 IP. Now I see why he was activated, he looks like his old self! I could see Lindstrom getting saves if Jake Petricka continues to look like he did last night (2/3 IP, 2 ER) or if Lindstrom pitches well for a couple of games. Seems unlikely he’ll be thrust right into the closer role immediately. Then again, unlikely is Robin Ventura’s middle name. He got his middle name when someone said, “It’s unlikely that anyone would charge Nolan Ryan on the mound.”
Santiago Casilla – 1 IP, 1 ER. Has now given up a run in each of his last two appearances, and Romo’s been terrific since July 19th. If Romo was out there, I’d grab him in a RCL football league! (Signups now; going on, go there; lates.) Also, I’d grab Romo to speculate on the SAGNOF tip.
Dustin Ackley – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 5th steal. Ack, right, Dustin, ack, right.
Chris Young – 6 IP, 1 ER, 4 baserunners, 3 Ks vs. the Blue Jays. Literally, some had to change their route because Young was pitching.
Kendrys Morales – 2-for-4 and his 2nd homer as he hits .219. Some late free agent signings are Nelson Cruz and some aren’t.
Leonys Martin – 4-for-6, 1 run and his 20th steal, and he was 1-for-18 coming into the game. Seems like Kennys has to carry the -ys torch all on his own.
Jeremy Hellickson – 6 IP, 0 ER, 7 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA down to 2.03. He’s running hot like butter on Stedman’s thigh when Oprah’s in a feeding frenzy. I still don’t really trust him, and wouldn’t pick him up for one of my teams in anything shallower than 14 team leagues, but in deeper leagues, it’s silly not to try him.
Everth Cabrera – Hit the DL with a hamstring strain. Last time he had a hamstring strain, he missed four weeks. For all I care, EverCab can swim out past the breakers, leave the fire far behind.
Odrisamer Despaigne – 7 IP, 0 ER, 7 baserunners, 8 Ks, ERA down to 2.72. Solid start by Otis Spunkmeyer, but his next start could easily be “that’s how the cookie crumbles.”
Corey Dickerson – 2-for-4 and his 16th homer. It would’ve made more sense if you drafted Dickerson in the first round this year instead of Carlos Gonzalez, and left Dickerson in your lineup for the entire year, even when Weiss wasn’t playing him. How’s dem apples? Sour!
Brett Anderson – Will have back surgery performed by Dr. Chris Yeung. He’s a seven-foot Asian doctor that people are constantly stealing from when he goes home.
