This Blade Paid His Dues (And Maybe His Taxes)

This lede was derived from the very simple question: Who the eff is Blade Tidwell? I legitimately didn’t know. I asked AI and AI said, “That is the part Cuba Gooding Jr. played in Jerry Maguire with the very famous catchphrase, ‘Show me where your money is.’ If you’d like, Grey, I can tell you other famous movie quotes such as, ‘Frankly, my Scarlett I give a damn,’ and, ‘Thank you, HAL, you are smarter than me, and I appreciate that. Yay computers.'” Listen, I don’t remember any of those lines, but if AI says it’s so, it must be! Yesterday, Blade Tidwell went 5 2/3 IP, 1 ER, 5 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 2.78, and has the underlying stats of 7.5 K/9, 2 BB/9, 4.02 xFIP with a 96 MPH fastball, and 84 MPH slider. He also crashed my computer because when I opened his minor league stats, I got a pinwheel as it loaded because there was so many different stops across two teams (he came over from the Mets for Tyler Rogers). His splits are also hilarious, and not in a good way like chuckles are fun. He was allowing lefties to hit nearly .400 against him. Righty-ho and lefty no! With those sorta splits, I could see Streamonator vs. righty heavy lineups, but I would be very careful. Or as AI’s movie quotes say, “White men can’t jump or face lefties with that slider, apparently.” Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Jung Hoo Lee – 2-for-5 and his 9th homer. He’s having a nice August (3 HRs, .290-ish). If you were wondering to Hoo Lee, or not to Hoo Lee.

Hayden Wesneski – 7 IP, 3 ER, 7 baserunners, 4 Ks, ERA at 3.86. Hayden’s someone who makes me pick up this monocle I have hanging around my neck and hold it to my eye, and maybe it will be worth all that effort at some point (to lift a monocle to my eye), but so far he’s been fairly mediocre.

Cam Smith – 3-for-4, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 16th homer, and third homer in three games. Hot schmotato alert! And maybe he’s sending an evite for his star mitzvah finally.

Jackson Kent – Will be called up this week by the Nats. Listen to this: Kent had a velocity jump in Double-A. Booyakah! Listen to this: Kent already had a lights-out change. Bazinga! Get a load of this: He had a 3.72 ERA in Triple-A! Wait, that’s not as good. Okay, getting back on track: He had a 10 K/9! We’re cooking again! Also, a 2.9 BB/9. Hmm, sidetracked again. Maybe he is an NL-Only flyer for now. Geez, had such high hopes for this blurb.

Bryce Elder – 5 IP, 7 ER, ERA at 4.03. I’m not going to make excuses for him, because he couldn’t locate his change anywhere but over the plate for meatballs, and was getting rocked but here’s some excuses A) Mets are actually hitting well right now. B) Braves inexcusably brought in their infield in the 1st inning and it cost him an out, which led to a ridiculous inning. C) There’s no C.

Devin Williams – Hit the IL with a shoulder strain. Pretty sure when new players show up in Queens to join the Mets, Lindor pulls them aside and says, “Listen, you can’t outright do nothing, but you really don’t need to try too hard. Actually, if you try too hard, you make the rest of us look bad. We are not a baseball team. We are a Ponzi scheme.” Looked at the Mets’ depth chart to see who might take over and I laughed so hard when I saw Kodai Senga as the head of the committee. Sure, why not! Oh, I won’t pick him up, but hilarious. Then, when I thought I couldn’t laugh any harder, I saw the next name in the committee was Nate Lavender. Okay, that is very funny. So, the Mets were smudging the clubhouse and accidentally called up a Nate Lavender? I could see grabbing Daniel Duarte, if desperate, but I have zero faith in that working. Yesterday, Duarte worked 2 IP, 0 ER, ERA at 1.04, but it was the 7th and 8th, and Senga (1 IP, 0 ER, ERA at 8.12) worked the 9th for the save, but again he has a 8+ ERA. I am not that desperate.

Brett Baty – 1-for-3, 4 RBIs and his 8th homer, a grand slam. Was looking at the 7-Day Player Rater for hot schmotatoes, as one does, and there’s so many hot Mets players. I’m sayin’, at this point in the season, does it matter what a guy did in May? Or what he’ll do two months from now? Or even two weeks from now? I’m being profound, y’all!

Francisco Lindor – 3-for-5, 3 runs and his 11th homer. Mets’ broadcaster Gary Cohen seemed to think Lindor hit his furthest homer ever yesterday, and I’m [adjusting tinfoil cap] under the assumption they guess on distances. It did look like it went 500 feet, but was only measured at 420 feet. “That’ll do.” That’s Cody Bellinger.

Christian Scott – 4 IP, 4 ER, ERA at 3.45. Better than Elder? Don’t have to be a Zoomer to agree with that. Good, in general? Sadly, shaking head.

Austin Martin – 4-for-5, 3 runs and a slam (3) and legs (12), hitting .242 and leadoff. Fun fact! “I have an Austin Martin card” is what you say in a loud bar when trying to impress a girl. If she calls you on it, just pull one out of your wallet.

Dean Kremer – 7 IP, 1 ER, 1 hit, 1 walk, 7 Ks, ERA at 5.25 as he faced his old team, the O’s. He said his game plan was from years of watching the O’s hitters. His secret was throwing whatever and watching them not hit it.

Josh Bell – 2-for-5, 3 RBIs and his 16th homer, 2nd homer in four games, and one of the hottest schmotatoes in baseball. If he were traded, he’d be 100% ass.

Trevor Rogers – 4 IP, 2 ER, ERA at 4.21. He asked Dean Kremer, his former teammate, “Will your game plan work for me?” Dean said, “No.”

Sonny Gray – 6 IP, 2 ER, 7 baserunners, 4 Ks, ERA at 2.79. Sonny Gray only does well in the seasons I don’t have him anywhere. A smiley emoji whose smile is so tight it’s making its eyes tear.

Jameson Taillon – 4 IP, 0 ER, 1 hit, 3 walks, 3 Ks, ERA at 5.68, but left with forearm discomfort. Baseball is so funny. As I said on Sunday, the Red Sox are now unable to hit. Though, I wouldn’t have trusted Taillon either with Streamonator positivity or not.

Charles McAdoo – 1-for-2 and his 2nd homer. You know Chuck McAdoo, he’s the starting point guard for the Raptors. Anyway, you see the ump show in Toronto? Actually, more like a scoreboard operator show. Scoreboard had two outs on the board, and a lazy fly ball was hit with two men on (1st and 3rd). So, the runners ran out the play like it was two outs. Only problem was, there was one out. Two runners failed to tag up and were easy marks on the basepaths. How’sever, the Jays let the man score from 3rd and never appealed the play at 3rd. Instead, appealed to 1st base, not the lead runner, and the Jays walked off the field, so that runner who scored counted. What they call a 4th out play. To recap: They had two outs on the scoreboard, when there was one out on the Red Sox, and the Jays doubled up the Red Sox on the basepaths, but they scored anyway, as it became a fourth out play, i.e., Canada and its metric system. Think someone should check the scoreboard operator’s FanDuel account.

Andrew Painter – 5 1/3 IP, 2 ER, 5 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 6.27. He had a no-hitter going into the 6th inning, and was one of those situations where it would’ve been better if he allowed a hit in the 1st inning, so he wasn’t left in the game in the 6th. Painter’s looked a lot better since he returned (15 1/3 IP, 5 ER). Though, it would’ve been hard to be worse.

Hunter Dobbins – 5 IP, 1 ER, 7 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 3.40. St. Lou Dobbs has a 8.4 K/9, 3.4 BB/9, 4.04 xFIP and a 44.2 GB%. That’s “surprisingly decent for deeper leagues,” and hard to hold in shallower, i.e., Streamonator.

Mike Trout – 1-for-2 and his 20th homer, back-to-back 20 homer season, 1st time since 2018-19. Or back-to-ack for him. Prior to last night: .156/.240/.244 with one homer and 38 K% since July 27th.

Reid Detmers – 6 IP, 1 ER, 7 baserunners (4 BBs), 6 Ks, ERA at 4.00. Reid my lips: No more free passes.

Nathan Eovaldi – Hit the IL with elbow inflammation. Only real difference between this year and previous years is he would pitch well before the inevitable IL stint. I liked that better.

MacKenzie Gore – 5 1/3 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 9 Ks, ERA at 4.43. Streamonator loved this, and, even though I no longer like Gore, this was vs. the Angels, where opposing pitchers get their wings.

Casey Mize – 6 IP, 2 ER, 7 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 3.38. Seemed to be broken in his last start, er, first start with the Padres, then he got hit early in this game, but settled in and, like a massseuse was whispering it to you, it’s a happy ending.

Ty France – 2-for-3, 2 runs and his 17th homer. Having a solid season. [holds Ty France’s season next to Vlad Jr.’s] Oh my God, Ty France is amazing!

Jackson Merrill – 1-for-3, 2 RBIs and his 19th homer. Since the All-Star break, .340-ish average, nine homers, 23 RBIs, and four steals. 11 homers since July 1st, and had already one lede written about him. Really the coup de grâce for any player.

Christian Yelich – 1-for-3, 2 RBIs and his 8th homer. Recently, he was dropped to the seven-hole in the lineup and I dropped him in a 12-teamer. Just a sad state of affairs for Yelich. Next they’re gonna tell me his mom isn’t hot anymore.

Logan Henderson – 6 1/3 IP, 3 ER, 6 baserunners, 7 Ks, ERA at 2.88. Brew Rasmussen.

Zack Gelof – 2-for-4, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 12th homer, and inexplicably hitting 9th, as he was activated from the IL. I wish I had Gelof on my fantasy teams. Gelon my teams? Hmm, needs work, but he does not. When healthy this year, it’s like he’s stayed at the Renaissance.

Freddy Peralta – 6 IP, 3 ER, 7 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA at 5.33 vs. Javier Lopez – 7 IP, 2 ER, 6 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA at 5.38. Two solid starts from two guys who, if you started them in Bing Bong, you might hear rattling when you shake your head.

Yandy Diaz – 3-for-4, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 16th homer. Is it too late in his career for a nickname? Just thought I’d start calling him, Al Brawn, but don’t want to get caught nicknaming someone when it’s too late for it.

Junior Caminero – 1-for-5, 3 RBIs and his 34th homer. It doesn’t make for a bad month of August for Juco Loco, when it’s spent in Coors, then Bing Bong.

Tarik Skubal – 5 IP, 3 ER, 6 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 2.93. As the proud winner of the Skubal sweepstakes — the Skubstakes — in one NL-Only league, I’m wondering. Dot dot dot. Is this winning?

Edwin Diaz – 1 IP, 0 ER, ERA at 9.82. Guys can choose to enter the game to whatever songs they want, but I don’t know if I agree with Edwin now entering the game to sad trombones. Nah, I kid, he looked better, and I imagine he can be fixed. As I say to BDon on this week’s podcast, Diaz is basically in his Spring Training, just getting loose for the (post)season.

Jac Caglianone – 2-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 21st homer, 3rd homer in three games. When Jackson Apollo Caglianone Caglianone gets hot, there’s few like him.

Noah Cameron – 5 2/3 IP, 4 ER, 8 baserunners, 2 Ks, ERA at 4.45. This was one of the toughest matchups — even if the Dodgers are struggling — so I’m holding Cameron still.

Nolan Arenado – 2-for-4, 4 RBIs and a slam (18) and legs (4). Hey, I managed to purchase the original recipe to Coca-Cola. It has sassafras, cocaine and rehydrated raisins; not grapes though, they don’t work. Here, I’ll show you. I have it haphazardly over by this open window–NOOOOOOOOO!!! Torenado!

Michael Soroka – 4 1/3 IP, 0 ER, 6 baserunners, 4 Ks, ERA at 2.92 as he was activated from the IL. In case you were bumped on the head and forgot the earlier part of the season, Soroka is now a solid number three fantasy starter. Hopefully, he’s stretched out a bit more for his next start.

Paul Sewald – Designated for assignment. That feels kinda harsh. It was enough to remove him from the closer role, did they have to DFA him too? That’s like when you break up with someone, and your friends are like, “You and Judy broke up?” And you’re like, “Yeah, and I set her car on fire.” You don’t have to torch her Prius, man. Just moving her to the 6th inning was fine.

Tim Anderson – Announced his retirement. Most will remember him for his fight with Jose Ramirez, in which he started a fight and then got laid out cold, but I will remember…No, I will remember the fight too.