The Yordan Rules

Yesterday, Yordan Alvarez went 3-for-8, 3 runs with his 12th homer, hitting .356, as he stays near the top of the Player Rater. Captain Woo Cubano has become something of a cult symbol. Rubber bands in his beard, mustard on his pressed sandwiches, long dongs–[Cancel Police break down the door]–I’m sorry! I was talking the distance his home runs travel! That’s plainly obvious from context! Captain Woo Cubano has the highest OPS for any Astros hitter through the first 32 games at 1.199. Runners up: Bagwell (1.167), Berkman (1.159) can’t hold a candle to Yordong. [Cancel Police still dragging me out] Seriously, you’re hurting my ankles! I don’t know if CWC can stay healthy, but, if he does, there’s no reason to think this will suddenly end. I’ve been waiting for the 50-homer season for Yordan for his whole career, and it finally feels here. May his dongs never come down! [Cancel Police hitting me with the billy club] Okay, that hurts! Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Peter Lambert – 4 1/3 IP, 2 ER, ERA at 3.52. His underlying numbers are still somewhat gorge so I can’t hate on Lambert like I’m Blake Shelton.

Lance McCullers Jr. – 6 IP, 3 ER, 6 baserunners (4 BBs), 9 Ks, ERA at 6.32. Been extremely unlucky, but also his walk rate is 4.9 BB/9, which is absurd. I wonder through pure speculation and nothing else if he had to change something fundamental about how he pitches to try to stay healthy, and it’s helped with that, but he can’t repeat his motion now, and his command is a mess.

Cam Smith – 1-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 4th homer, hitting .219. Cam Smith did not become Jordan Walker. Yet! The sting of the yet really captures something. Intrigue? No, not that. A desire for something that is lacking? Yes, that’s it.

Chris Bassitt – 6 2/3 IP, 1 ER, 8 baserunners, 7 Ks, ERA at 5.46. Streamonator hates his next one, but it’s vs. Marlins, and I’m the type to be like eff it, but there is more down side than up.

Jeremiah Jackson – 2-for-8, 5 RBIs and his 6th homer, hitting .281. He was hitting 9th in the 2nd game, after hitting a grand slam in the 1st game. Imagine Jackson Holliday hit a grand slam in the 1st game of a doubleheader and moved to 9th in the 2nd. It’s not hard if you try–Shut up, John Lennon, it is hard! It would never happen.

Adley Rutschman – 2-for-4, 2 runs, 4 RBIs and his 4th homer. Just spent more time than I care to admit (45 seconds) looking if Adley is actually making good on his promise after all these years, and [shrugs] he’s a 20/.270 hitter. There’s value to that, but he hasn’t changed dramatically.

Heston Kjerstad – His rehab assignment will start soon, i.e., what’s in store for Heston is right around the corner. That makes Heston a bodega cat.

Paul Skenes – 5 IP, 4 ER, 8 hits, zero walks, 9 Ks, ERA at 3.18. Can’t help to see players who were at the WBC struggling everywhere. I might be making up something in my head. But, guess what, that’s where you make up stuff! You don’t make up stuff in your leg!

Brandon Lowe – 2-for-5 and his 8th homer. Haha, no, you do not know me at all! I am not thinking about how well Lowe is doing compared to Jazz! I’m thinking about about how well Lowe is doing compared to Jazz, Keaschall, Altuve, and Ketel!

Jordan Walker – 2-for-5, 3 RBIs and his 9th homer, hitting .284. Was hearing rumblings of Walker discontent the last week or so, after his initial hot streak. Can’t really go into all the ins and outs of “baseball,” but, a quick fyi, players don’t stay hot or cold all season.

JJ Wetherholt – 2-for-4, 2 runs and his 7th homer. He’s ending the first full month of baseball near a top 30 overall player on the Player Rater. Like the quarter of Harrison Ford that’s Jewish, not too shabby! (By the way, Rod Carew? Not a Jew, he didn’t convert. It was a myth.)

Kyle Finnegan – 1 IP, 0 ER, ERA at 0.57. Don’t think Kenley Jansen is out of a job, but should he be? [turns towards the waves lapping against the ocean, contemplatively swoops hair back] Yes, but Kenley’s not removed, unless we hear he’s hurt.

Framber Valdez – 6 IP, 2 ER, 6 hits, zero walks, 8 Ks, ERA at 3.35. Glad the starter who I drafted finally got through the Hormuz. Being named Valdez made it a touch and go.

Bryce Elder – 6 IP, 1 ER, 9 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA at 1.88. Won’t recount again how I picked him up in FAAB the first week for, like, $7 out of a thousand, which is less than a dollar if $100, only to recount how I won’t be recounting it.

Freddy Peralta – 6 IP, 1 ER, 7 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 3.52. Considering the Mets are cursed from the soil up to the players’ eyeballs, it’s been remarkable how good FreddyKBB has stayed in the wake of [motions wildly at everything Mets].

CJ Abrams – 2-for-3, 3 RBIs and his 8th homer. Curtis Jackson ended April in the top twenty-fiddy on the Player Rater.

Gus Varland – 1 1/3 IP, 0 ER, ERA at 2.84, and his 3rd save. Don’t think he’s in the weekly Buy column later today, but he’s here now. Rewarding those of youse who read all the stuff!

Nathaniel Lowe – 2-for-3, 2 runs and his 5th homer, five homers all coming in the last week. There’s no hotter schmotato in this great Land of Schmotatoes.

Andrew Abbott – 6 IP, 2 ER, 7 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA at 5.97. Okay, but I wouldn’t have started him anywhere. I’d wait to see one more worthwhile start before even considering it.

Michael Soroka – 3 IP, 8 ER, ERA at 4.70. “Hey, how ya doing? Great, or I guess, tres bien. So, I had a question, I know you’re a museum that specializes in the French Revolution, right? Cool cool, so is your guillotine in working condition?” This start was miserable, clearly, but Soroka’s underlying numbers still look solid. I know, not what you wanna hear.

Brandon Woodruff – 1 1/3 IP, 0 ER, ERA at 3.60. His fastball maxed out at 86.9 MPH and got yanked from the game, but the Brewers said Woodruff wasn’t feeling any pain. Oh…[walks from Vancouver to Cape Horn]…kay. Not sure if it’s better if he was actually feeling pain or not, think it’s a toss-up, and likely a very soft toss if it’s Woodruff. He’s headed for an MRI to see if they can locate his non-pain.

Sal Frelick – 1-for-5 and his 3rd homer, hitting .211, 2nd homer in three games. Frelick is out-homering Bobby Witt Jr. Gonna call the HAHAHAHAHAHA Store to book a straitjacket fitting. Frelick won’t be in this afternoon’s Buy column, but he’s hot.

William Contreras – 4-for-4, 3 runs, 4 RBIs and his 3rd homer, hitting .288. Came a triple short of the cycle. John Buck, you are not!

Byron Buxton – 3-for-4, 2 runs and his 8th homer, and his 3rd homer in four games, and his first homer ever in a week after Wednesday!

Ryan Jeffers – 1-for-4, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 4th homer, hitting .291. Buxton’s fine, and Jeffers and that’s it for hitting on the Twins. Member for a while they were trying to make Caratini their DH? Check out the big brain on Derek Shelton!

Bailey Ober – 6 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 2 Ks, ERA at 3.55. Every year: Great peripherals and just okay results. This year: Some of the worst peripherals of his career and a 3.55 ERA. It won’t last, methinks, and metalks like a lepruchuan.

Ryan Walker – 2/3 IP, 2 ER, ERA at 4.26, and his 2nd blown save. Don’t Walker, run to waivers and add Erik Miller (1 IP, 0 ER, ERA at 3.18)? I think they likely prefer Walker or another righty, but you can if you like.

Logan Webb – 7 IP, 1 ER, 9 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 4.30. Webb gem!

Cristopher Sanchez – 6 2/3 IP, 2 ER, 7 baserunners, 7 Ks, ERA at 2.90. All underlying numbers say he’s still an ace, if, ya know, wanna do a little buy low situation.

Kyle Schwarber – 5-for-6, 3 runs, 3 RBIs and his 10th and 11th homer, hitting .225. Schwarbombs over Baghdad! I miss Outkast.

Maikel Garcia – 3-for-5, 2 runs and a slam (3) and legs (3), hitting .274. [pokes Bobby Witt Jr. with a stick, nothing] Hmm…[puts stick’s point in a fire until it glows red, pokes Witt again, still nothing]

Noah Cameron – 5 1/3 IP, 4 ER, 11 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA at 5.40. After I posted my Noah Cameron sleeper, the Royals announced they were moving in the fences. Not great news, but Cameron managed to alleviate any concerns by being equally terrible on the road.

Jeffrey Springs – Exited the game with hip soreness. Springs is sorta like a Slinky that’s fallen on its side. I was pre-med.

Nick Kurtz – 1-for-3, 1 run, 2 RBIs, hitting .236. He’s now walked in 19 straight games. The record is 22, done in 1947 by Roy Cullenbine. On his tombstone, it says, Roy Cullenbine walked so everyone else could also walk. It’s time we started to appreciate Roy Cullenbine more. [pauses a millisecond to appreciate Roy Cullenbine] Okay, we’re good.