Yesterday, Jacob deGrom threw 8 IP, 0 ER, 1 hit, zero walks and 11 Ks, screaming at the top of his lungs that Metco will now be known as deGromercy Park, and if you missed deGame, then feast your eyes on deROM, because your underwear is now firmware after what he did to Wong — 2 Ks. Or if you’re Asian, then deNom-Nom-Nom, or into deRom-Com with meGrom Ryan and would be the deBomb dot gov. Okay, okay, deCalm down, deGrey, you sound like you’re trying to teach Gibberish to a foreigner. I was concerned about deGrom in the opening month, but he’s turned on the jets recently (sorry, Sharks). His K-rate is 8.7, walk rate is 2.1 and his xFIP is 3.26. That’s a little less than ace numbers, but not too far less. Solid number two, which is actually a good thing in this example. By the by, can someone get in touch with deGrom for me? I have a chapstick called deGrom Lip Balm and I need an endorsement. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:
Lucas Duda – 2-for-3, 3 runs, 4 RBIs and his 4th and 5th homers. Oh Duda Duda day! This homerific day proves three things: 1) Trust your power hitters will hit for power. 2) Now it’s likely too late to buy low. 3) There’s no 3.
Jaime Garcia – 7 IP, 2 ER, 10 baserunners (5 BBs), 3 Ks. Any game he gets through healthy is a win for him. Or any game where someone figures out how to make a plastic bubble for him to throw out of is a huge win. You know, the plastic bubble thing is played out. From now on, Garcia should be surrounded by fathers with those foam mallets from Whac-A-Mole as they try to impress their sons. Someone trying to injure Garcia? Whac-A-Mole! Someone trying to find use for an overripe avocado? Whac-A-Moley! The Stream-o-Nator loved this start for Garcia, but I didn’t trust it and don’t trust him, in general. If you’re hurting for something in deeper leagues, sure, you can take a flyer, but I imagine he’ll be hurt within the next few weeks. Whac-A-Mole or no Whac-A-Mole.
Yasmany Tomas – 2-for-5, 1 run, 1 RBI, hitting .349. He’ll be in this afternoon’s Buy column, but for whatever reason I feel like trying to get you people to pick up Tomas is like trying to get Tomas to eat vegan. You’re impossible, you.
Archie Bradley – 5 IP, 4 ER, 11 baserunners, 4 Ks. His next start gets worst, according to the Stream-o-Nator, and I’d look elsewhere IRL and IFL. Did I just create an acronym? *high fives self* Note to self, put down coffee before high-fiving self.
David Peralta – 0-for-5 as the Diamondbacks scored seven runs. Not quite a ticker tease, but it was especially lovely since he was my batty call for the day. Teach me to trust a Peralta without an oddly placed H in his first name.
Ender Inciarte – 3-for-5, 1 run, 2 RBIs, hitting .308 as he leads off every game…until he doesn’t. Yeah, I have no idea what the Diamondbacks are doing with their outfield, but Ender has been a solid, uh, beginner for the D’Backs lineup, and seems to play every game against righties while hitting above .300 against lefties.
Brad Ziegler – 1 IP, 0 ER and his first save. Smokey went over his bullpen report yesterday and he put Enrique Burgos as the D-Bags closer, but I’d say the pecking order for saves is Ziegler then Burgos. I imagine Smokey just didn’t want to title his article, Bullpen Report: Heil Ziegler!
Mat Latos – 5 1/3 IP, 6 ER, ERA at 6.12. Someone earnestly asked me yesterday if I’d start Latos and I said, “I wouldn’t own him.” I didn’t mean to come off rude, and I was the one that liked Latos in the preseason, but we’re seven weeks in and you have to start cutting bait with underperformers. Latos is the Prince of Underperformers, and the royal abbreviation for princes is HRH, which is short for harumph.
Dee Gordon – 0-for-4, 1 run, hitting .386, and his average has fallen 40 points in the last ten days. With each passing day, the sell window will become narrower.
Corey Dickerson – Walt Weiss said Dickerson might need surgery, which would knock him out for the year. Weiss added, “Could someone tie my shoes? I can’t figure it out.”
Justin Morneau – The Rockies announced that The Concussador won’t be returning from the concussion DL on time. That’s all right, we have Wilin Rosario! “Not so fast home Slice,” says Walt Weiss as he looks at a can of orange Slice in his home refrigerator. Ben Paulsen, who rocks a sick mustache, started at first base yesterday and went 2-for-5, 1 run. Paulsen profiles beyond his mustache as a Quad-A player, and Weiss hates Rosario, ’tis is true, but I do think Rosario’ll likely see most at-bats.
Brandon Barnes – 4-for-4, 1 run, 1 RBI. He replaced Stubbs on the roster and this big day could lead to him seeing at-bats in place of Dickerson. Barnes was hitting .205 in 33 games in Triple-A this year. Though, Barnes did make a huge impression as Terri on Three’s Company.
Ryan Howard – 1-for-4 and his 9th homer, hitting .257. Hey, I wouldn’t pay $25 million a year for this season, but at corner infidel, you can likely do much worse.
Darin Ruf – 2-for-3, 2 RBIs as he hit third in the lineup, which is hilarious. I believe batting Ruf third is the baseball equivalent to waving a white flag.
Preston Tucker – 1-for-1 and his 1st major league homer. Presto!
Nick Castellanos – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 4th homer. I nearly said he was a hot schmotato yesterday due to a 2-for-4 day on Wednesday, because, brucely, two hits in one game for Castellanos is a huge game, and now that he’s homered the following game, I would grab him.
Anthony Gose – 3-for-5, hitting .325. Mean’s while Rajai Davis went 1-for-5, 1 RBI and his 10th steal, as The King of SAGNOF shows Gose that when you get on base, you give fantasy owners what they desire. Well, they mostly desire Doritos and the ability to sleep until noon, but also steals.
Yoenis Cespedes – 3-for-3, 2 runs and his 3rd steal, hitting .300, and two steals in the last two games, along with one caught stealing. Loving that the Tigers switched out Yoenis’s Gatorade with Red Bull. Now switch out his baby powder with the devil’s dandruff and let’s see him put the pedal to the Ron LeFlore!
David Price – 6 2/3 IP, 2 ER, 6 baserunners, 12 Ks, ERA at 3.32. Did you expect less strikeouts with Price vs. the Astros? The entire Astros team strikes out at a 25% rate. If the Astros make the playoffs, they are going to face all aces and strike out at least 15 times a game.
Clayton Kershaw – 7 1/3 IP, 4 ER, 9 baserunners, 7 Ks, ERA at 4.32. I’m not joking when I say it’s merely a blip on the radar until it’s two years later of lousy pitching and Kershaw is being compared to ex-Cy Young perennial, Lincecum.
Madison Bumgarner – 6 1/3 IP, 0 ER, 9 baserunners, 6 Ks and he pitchslapped Kershaw. Bum’s ERA is at 2.84 and it looks like the concerns about his 270 IP pitched last year were for naught, or David Naughton, if he’s reading.
Angel Pagan – 2-for-4, 2 runs, hitting .325 on the year with 4 steals. That’s a lot more usable than the Angel who chases the Pagan through the Vatican in the new Dan Brown novel.
Albert Pujols – His wrist x-rays conclusively showed no fractures. Damn, those x-rays are so decisive. Obviously, they’re not female. Just playin’! You know I love the ladies (and Giancarlo).
Marc Krauss – 1-for-4 and his 1st homer as he played 1st for Pujols. Can The Sciosciapath at least trade Cron so he can hit homers for someone else?
David Freese – 2-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 8th homer, hitting .233. It’s everyone favorite installment of…Where does Freese rank relative to other 3rd baseman on the Player Rater?! He’s just in front of Beltre and Longoria. Yay (if you don’t own Longoria or Beltre)!
Matt Shoemaker – 6 IP, 7 ER, ERA up to 6.29. I mentioned this about six weeks ago, but he looks like he’s hiding an injury. Either way, he really should’ve been sent to the Disgraceful List a while ago.
Devon Travis – Hit the DL with shoulder inflammation. Whatever, Devon White never disappointed me!
R.A. Dickey – 9 IP, 4 ER, 7 baserunners, 7 Ks, ERA at 5.49. He had surrendered two runs, until Freese homered with two outs in the ninth. At least, Freese didn’t force Dickey to completely shrivel up and was able to finish.
Steve Tolleson – 2-for-2, 2 runs and his 2nd steal. Okay, there’s a chance Travis is simply playing in a Tolleson jersey.
Danny Salazar – 6 IP, 0 ER, 8 baserunners, 8 Ks, ERA at 3.50, which doesn’t tell anywhere near the whole story. He’s been as good, if not better than any other pitcher. Yeah, as good as Scherzer. Yup, and F-Her. You name ’em. Salazar’s K-rate is 12.4 and his walk rate is 1.9. That’s fantasy baseball ambrosia right there.
Mike Aviles – 4-for-5 and his 3rd homer. Like sands through the hourglass, so are the days waiting for something from Aviles.
Nick Swisher – 2-for-5 and his 1st homer. That’s one small step for facial hair, one giant leap for side burns.
Drew Smyly – Will need eight weeks of rehab. Well, technically, this is after eight previous weeks of rehab…and a few weeks of surgery…and a few weeks of not knowing what was going on with his arm, so, yeah, Drew Sadly.
Coco Crisp – A’s reporter, Susan Slusser, tweeted, “Coco Crisp says via Snapchat that he got “disheartening news” about his neck injury, but he did not provide details.” There’s also a chance he was going to say what the problem was, but because he’s over the age of 15 he had no idea how to use Snapchat.
Alex Colome – 5 IP, 0 ER, 5 baserunners, 3 Ks, ERA at 4.81 vs. Jesse Chavez 6 IP, 3 ER, 6 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 2.89. I’m so grateful that Colome got his shizz together in time to face the guy I replaced him with on my teams, Chavez. So, do I replace Chavez with Bolsinger to get his next opponent, Kennedy, to right the ship? Help, I’ve painted myself into a logic corner! On the fo’really, I like Colome; his lack of walks and 7-ish K-rate is appealing, but I do like Chavez better since his K-rate is bit more robust, which is a word the guy banging your ex-wife uses.
David DeJesus – 2-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 4th homer. Now has a seven-game hitting streak, and hitting near-.400 in that time. He has stretches like this on occasion and I’d definitely say hot schmotato and grab him if you have room.
Julio Teheran – 7 IP, 1 ER, 3 baserunners (1 BB), 8 Ks, ERA down to 3.91. His K-rate is up to 8.4 from last year’s 7.6. Unfortch, he’s added an extra walk per nine too, and that’s been the difference between a low-3 ERA and a high-3 ERA. If his location returns, he could be more usable than he’s been so far this year.
Cameron Maybin – 1-for-4, 3 runs, 2 RBIs and his 5th steal, hitting over-.400 in the last week with two steals. I’ve been hesitant about mentioning him, because I feel like as soon as I do Fredi will start playing EY or Maybin will get hurt because…That’s so Maybin!
Addison Russell – 2-for-4 and his 3rd homer. On one hand, I can’t figure out why he’s batting ninth. On the other hand, I’m not sure where else he could hit in that order. On the third hand that is really just a mitten on a bottle of Jägermeister, Joe Maddon.
Kris Bryant – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 5th homer. Surprised he’s hitting for such a high average, but it’s still early. Damn, I sound so jaded. Okay, let’s try that again. I’m surprised Bryant is hitting for such a high average, which will continue if he gets really lucky. Ugh, I tried.
Steve Pearce – 1-for-3, 4 RBIs and his 4th homer, a grand slam as he played his 10th game at 2nd base. A .250, 17-homer guy is a whole lot more palatable as a middle infielder. For further reading on the subject, see Jhonny Peralta’s career.
Brad Miller – 2-for-4, 1 run, hitting near-.350 in the last week and in front of Cano in the two hole. Yeah, I was burned by him last year too. Badly. But he does seem to be at the least a hot schmotato.
Chris Taylor – 1-for-2 and his 2nd steal and has been playing every day since his return from his injury. At least I think it’s him, but his picture looks like his face is CGI’d. Did someone at deviantART create Chris Taylor?
Mitch Moreland – 3-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 3rd homer, hitting .312. This was his 2nd homer in the last four games, and could be the start of a little schmotato streak.
Clay Buchholz – 7 1/3 IP, 2 ER, 7 baserunners, 4 Ks, ERA at 4.58. Since I told you to buy him, his ERA is 2.49. *blows on knuckles, wipes knuckles on shirt, realizes there was tomato sauce on knuckles* Aw, man!
Shane Victorino – Couldn’t play yesterday because his calf soreness is “centralized somewhat.” Is he a robot?
Pablo Sandoval – 0-for-1, but didn’t start yesterday because of his knee or because he’s in terrible shape. Which is way more likely? Speaking of Sandoval that should read ‘weigh more likely.’