I’ve been giving the Tigers a hard time, unlike the contact their hitters make. Okay, okay, that’s enough. It’s time to dig in on Spencer Torkelson (2-for-3, 4 RBIs and his 10th and 11th homer, and 3rd homer in two games). You have to dig deep because his prospect status has sunk so low. All right, that’s not nice. Seriously, I need to look at Torkelson. Yikes, that’s a jump scare. In 187 games in the majors, he has 19 HRs, 2 SBs and a .210 average. Josh Bell is a bad hitter; Torkelson is a bad-hitting Josh Bell. Call him Gosh That’s Hell. Any hoo! He’s young and he just had his best month in the majors, 7 HRs in just under 100 ABs. He still hit .180-ish, but baby steps, Gosh That’s Hell. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Reese Olson – Left the game after taking a one-hopper off his knee. Only way you should be doing that is off the top rope Snuka’ing down onto the Easter Bunny and showing that hopper how to take a knee.

Leody Taveras – 1-for-4 and his 9th homer. Leody is my favorite outfielder who sounds like he could’ve been in the Heaven’s Gate cult.

Ezequiel Duran – 2-for-4, 2 runs and his 12th homer, hitting .326, and 3rd straight game with a home run. Time to start making stupid comps with the Player Rater. Duran has been about as good as Bregman, better than Muncy, Gunnar, Chapman, Machado, and Jordan Walker (Bruce Hurst me to list him). By the way, not entirely related, but Justin Turner and Ryan McMahon have been great. I get questions asking to drop McMahon, and now I’m confused.

Jazz Chisholm Jr. – 1-for-4 and his 9th homer, and 2nd homer in as many games. Tossing a coin in a fountain, and wishing for Jazz to get hot, then grabbing out the same coin, and throwing it back in and making the same wish, then repeating that for the next three months.

Jesus Luzardo – 6 1/3 IP, 0 ER, 4 baserunners, 9 Ks, ERA at 3.53. He was sailing through the Red Sox, keeping pace with Bello, but for whom the Bello tollos?! Since this game was only one on, and about 75-minutes-long, I watched, and Luzardo is absolutely an ace. Bit of luck neutral as it is now, so he’s not much better than a 3.50 ERA guy, but his peripherals are great, and, if he controls the homers allowed, which he should since he has great command, Luzardo will get there with the best in the game. This year? Like most Marlins’ starters, he’s coming up quickly to an innings limit.

Brayan Bello – 7 IP, 1 ER, 3 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA at 3.08. In a renewed bit of Red Sox/Yankees rivalry, I thought Bello might be going for a no-hitter on the heels of Domingo’s perfecto. Had seven no-hit innings, then the wheels came off, but not awful by any means. He looks like a future ace, too. He’s a full year behind Luzardo, though.

Brandon Pfaadt – 2 IP, 6 ER, ERA at 9.82, as he was recalled. Weird Al, “If you’re Pfaadt, you’re nothing.” Tough but fair, Weird Al. It is crazy that the consensus top three rookie SPs going into the season were Grayson, Pfaadt, and Gavin Stone and all been garbage. TINSTAAPFAADT.

Corbin Carroll – Was removed from the game after it looked like he hurt his shoulder. I need a prayer heptagram. If Corbin is injured, then may I suggest we delay the season until Oneil Cruz returns? Or maybe the DBacks can play a 60-day extra inning game that lasts 550 innings. Or maybe just don’t be injured badly! Please!

Lourdes Gurriel Jr. – 1-for-3 and his 12th homer, hitting .271, but a Struggle Bus month. Lu-Gu-Ju and that Ju is for Junior not June, because he took the month off, hitting near-.175. Maybe he’s coming out of it now, but that’s his first homer in two weeks.

Luke Raley – 2-for-3, 2 runs and his 13th homer. If you drafted all guys with Raley in their last name, you’d be sitting pretty with Luke and Jake Fraley. Hopefully you dropped Brooks.

Alejandro Kirk – 0-for-2 as he was activated from the IL. He returns from a hand laceration. Weird, because he hasn’t laced the ball at all this year.

Chris Bassitt – 6 IP, 0 ER, 6 baserunners, 12 Ks, ERA at 4.06. There was a moment there when he had 9 strikeouts through the first 11 batters when I thought Bassitt was going to be challenging Kerry Wood. In all seriousness, a pitcher has to be better than perfect to approach 20 Ks in a game. Hard to imagine anyone doing it, then I realize that pile of crap named Lance Lynn had 16 earlier this year.

Alex Cobb – Will return today vs. the Mets. Gonna take a pass on his first start back, but, much like Puppetry of the Penis, I’m putting a monocle on that Cobb.

Keaton Winn – 6 IP, 2 ER, 4 baserunners, 3 Ks, ERA at 3.50. His MiLB numbers (11.1 K/9), 96 MPH fastball velo and great splitter has me curious why there’s not much written about him, but I think because he lost a year to Covid and a year to Tommy John has caused him to disappear from radar (guns). He’s available in my very deep NL-Only leagues, so no one cares. Well, Tupac cares if no one else does.

Luis Urias – Sent down to Triple-A. That’s pretty shocking. He wasn’t hitting well, but, if that’s the criteria for the Brewers, then they should send down everyone but Yelich.

Brett Baty – 1-for-2 and his 5th homer. This guy has been low-key awful. Is it even low-key? I think when you’re awful everything is low-key. Hopefully, he’s finally showing that MiLB pop.

Brandon Nimmo – 1-for-2 and his 11th homer, and 3rd homer in three games. Nimmo be finding ’em!

Max Scherzer – 6 IP, 2 ER, 9 baserunners, 9 Ks, ERA at 3.87. At least he’s not as cooked as Verlander. Could say that about the entire Mets team.

Adam Wainwright – 1 2/3 IP, 6 ER, ERA at 7.45. Maybe I’m ostrich’ing my head into the sand, but still think Adam Wainwright is a Hall of Famer, eventually. This isn’t him. This year should’ve never happened for him. Uncle Charlie should’ve rode out in the sunset with his buddies last year.

Kyle Tucker – 2-for-3, 2 runs, 5 RBIs and his 11th homer. Been on a bit of a Snooze-coaster with this guy this year, huh? Feels that way, and he’s still around top 40 overall on the Player Rater, and hasn’t been hot once, so *an emoji that shrugs and thinks about how it would take that over an injured Aaron Judge*

Alex Bregman – 3-for-5, 3 runs, 4 RBIs and his 12th homer. AB, see ya, ball! No? You’re right.

J.P. France – 7 IP, 0 ER, 6 baserunners, 2 Ks, ERA at 3.13. Juan Pierre France got out to a huge early lead, and coasted out to the Ivictory Island for a free night at the W. Streamonator loves his next one, and that looks like a grab now in the landmark case of sooner vs. later.

Freddie Freeman – 2-for-3, 1 run, 3 RBIs, hitting .321, as the Dodgers let everyone get a few hits last night at Coors. Freeman is the first Dodgers player with 100 hits, 50 RBIs and 10 steals before the month of July since RBI was first tracked in 1920. *pushes glass’s frame up bridge of nose* You got that, nerds!?

J.D. Martinez – 4-for-6, 2 runs, 4 RBIs and his 19th homer, and 3rd homer in this Coors series. Just Dong because that’s what Just Dongs do.

Kyle Schwarber – 1-for-4 and his 21st homer. June, do you have to leave so soon?

Taijuan Walker – 6 IP, 1 ER, 7 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 3.93. He’s been good for a while now — last 32 IP, 0.84 ERA and, wait until you hear this freaky shizz, an 0.84 WHIP. WUT.

Josh Donaldson – 1-for-5, 2 RBIs and his 8th homer. Padding that Hall of Fame (of Guys Who are Cooked) resume! Josh Donaldson leaning into the mic, “Since I was a kid in Pensacola, the white sand below my feet, as I honed my craft of being ‘Really Cooked.'”

Isiah Kiner-Falefa – 2-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 5th homer. One might think that it’s sad the Yanks are playing with Donaldson and IKF, but it’s way sadder to have them beat you. By the by, on IKF’s homer, Ruiz nearly robbed it but lost his glove over the fence, which is some serious Little League vibes. MLB is also on pace for more home run robberies than any other year. But the news won’t talk about that!

Clarke Schmidt – 5 1/3 IP, 3 ER, 8 baserunners, 3 Ks, ERA at 4.37. He’s still a straight Streamonator call, leave a message and I’ll get back to you! Sorry, was listening to De La.

Logan Allen – Sent down to Triple-A. Logan Allen sounds like a furniture store, and now he’s sofa away from the majors. Snapped him in half! Bam! No? Okay.

Shane Bieber – 6 IP, 0 ER, 3 baserunners, 8 Ks, ERA at 3.48. Is it me (it’s not me) or is every pitcher one terrible game away from a 4.00 ERA? Maybe I’m being pessimist because I had a bad lunch at a deli, and told them, “You’re not sandwich artists, you’re con artists!”

Emmanuel Clase – 1/3 IP, 1 ER, ERA at 2.56, and his 6th blown save. If there was a full slate of games, I wouldn’t have even mentioned Clase, because I only mention closers when they’re in danger of losing their job, or just getting a job, or injured. Clase is safe still, but six blown saves. My boy Ted says, “Woof, bro.”

Luis Ortiz – 4 2/3 IP, 4 ER, ERA at 4.11. They should let him pitch with blue baseballs to better Ortiz. As if you needed to know, but Streamonator hates him.

Joe Musgrove – 6 IP, 2 ER, 8 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 3.80, and the no decision. A lot has been made about the Yankees not being good this year. The Padres suck, yo! Like Odor has wafted into every player’s face and drifted into their nose, and eventually into their bloodstream.

Ha-Seong Kim – 2-for-3, 2 RBIs and his 9th homer. He’s one of the hottest bats in the majors right now so you know he’s going to be in this afternoon’s Buy column.

Trent Grisham – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 7th homer, hitting .210. His Launch Angle of 21 made me do a strong cackle that came out both sides of my mouth and had the neighbors coming over to check on me. Grisham, bro, friend, fella, you have 275-foot power. Having a Rhys Hoskins-like Launch Angle ain’t it, buddy.

Hunter Renfroe – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 2nd homer in as many games. Glad I stuck him in my lineup in one weekly league, even though I didn’t want to. Sometimes it’s better to be lucky than–*falls down a flight of stairs* Damn it!

Mike Moustakas – 1-for-3 and his 5th homer. Mostsuckass homered off Lance Lynn, and that should be describing action in a KBO game.

Mickey Moniak – 1-for-5 and his 8th homer, as he hits leadoff. Moniak is the most surprising development of the Angels’ season, and it looks pretty legit. Maybe they didn’t take a wash with Marsh. Or, as my dad would say, warsh.

Shohei Ohtani – 1-for-3, 2 RBIs and his 29th homer, hitting .309. He’s the Greatest GOAT Of All-Time. He is the GGOATOAT.

Patrick Sandoval – 5 IP, 7 ER, ERA at 4.69. His peripherals made me vomit in my mouth, then I spit it on the ground and my vomit spelled out, “Drop him, he sucks.” Wild how smart my vomit is. Sending my vomit to trade school in September. Gonna sit back and wait for my vomit to graduate, come home and start taking care of me.

Lance Lynn – 6 IP, 5 ER, 10 baserunners, 7 Ks, ERA at 6.47. The only pitcher who Sandoval looks better than, it’s Lance Lynn! Or by the name I’ve started to call him, The Sentient Poop Emoji.

Zach Remillard – 2-for-4, 1 run, 2 RBIs, hitting .400 and leadoff. Just did a google for Remillard and I found a 2500-word essay about a divorcée bouncing back in an inspirational tale followed by a recipe for a sauce that’s best served with seafood cakes, such as crab and salmon. Hunh, weird. Any hoo! Remillard was hitting leadoff yesterday, so there’s value in that. He also appears to be a Quad-A player with speed (25-ish steal speed), and he makes a lot of contact, but the ball doesn’t go very far. He won’t be in this afternoon’s Buy column, and still an AL-Only play.