Yesterday, Ronald Acuña Jr. (5-for-8, 5 runs, 5 RBIs) hit a leadoff homer in both games of the doubleheader, and became the youngest to homer in four straight games in the live-ball era. Wistful sigh, member those good ol’ zombie dead-ball era stars? Acuña now has 17 homers and 8 steals in 66 games. Oh, I’m sorry, you my daddy? It’s hard to understand how a 20-year-old can be my daddy, but I think you my daddy. When that family that raised me told me to put mime makeup on every morning, I didn’t put it together, but now I know the one true thing in this world that only 23andMe and a gut feeling can tell me, Acuña is my daddy. I’m going to start calling him Tildaddy. Not as in ‘until I find my true daddy, you will be my daddy.’ Not Tildaddy as in what a teenager who works a cashier at a Waffle House makes his co-workers call him. Tildaddy as in sloppily jamming tilde and daddy together. You’re my Tildaddy! People keep asking in the comments where I think Tildaddy (my fetch) will be drafted next year. If you prorate his numbers out, he’d have 35 homers and 20 steals as a 20-year-old. I’m sorry, you Machado’s Tildaddy too? You Goldschmidt’s Tildaddy? ARE YOU MIKE TROUT’S TILDADDY?! He is at least a top 25 pick in 2019 and I might shock the world and shove Tildaddy in my top 15. Un…Til…Daddy shows me different. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:
Touki Toussaint – 6 IP, 1 ER, 4 baserunners, 4 Ks as he was called up and sent back down. Hey, I got Touki nookie like the rest of Youssaints, so I’m happy to report Toussaint will be back for the start on August 23rd, also vs. Miami. As I tell my mop dressed like a horse, giddy up! To read more on him, click over to my article yesterday and earn me a cool .00000000067th of a penny.
Mike Foltynewicz – 8 IP, 1 ER, 8 baserunners, 7 Ks, ERA at 2.86. Faultygnuwits handily, uh, handled the Mehlins as one should, and gets the Rockies at home next time out, which is more robot bliss on the Stream-o-Nator.
Arodys Vizcaino – Will resume throwing on Wednesday. Then a rehab assignment starting on Saturday. Then he’ll rejoin the Braves next Friday. Then he’ll be injured again by the following Tuesday. Hey, if you paid what I paid for this Magic Eight Ball, you’d use it too.
Sean Reid-Foley – 5 IP, 3 ER, 9 baserunners, 3 Ks as he was called up. Also, went over him yesterday too. *pulls up pants, snorts* RF should remain with the big league team, unlike Touki. Yacht Rock, “Touki come back…”
Devon Travis – 1-for-4 and his 9th homer, three homers in the last ten games, and hitting near-.300 in the last week and…You’re not getting excited, are you? I hear ya. But he could be heating up.
Josh Donaldson – Hopes to run the bases this week and return soon to the limpup. Sorry, Freudian slip.
Danny Duffy – Hit the DL with left shoulder impingement. Duffy was hoping to get to 200 IP this year for the first time in his career. That explains why he’s been pitching since March with a shoulder injury and has a 4.90 ERA. I’m not even joking. He was removed from his final Cactus League start with a shoulder issue, and I told you to sell him almost immediately in April. Somehow, the Royals have waited until August to DL him.
Robinson Chirinos – 2-for-4, 4 RBIs and his 16th homer. Uh-oh, Chirinos!
Carlos Martinez – Will return as a reliever. As I always say, if a guy can’t stay healthy pitching on a strict 5-day schedule, then pitch him randomly every few days while getting him up and down in the bullpen multiple times in a game to totally screw up his shoulder.
Miles Mikolas – 7 IP, 4 ER, 5 baserunners, 4 Ks, ERA at 2.85. Wasn’t his best game, but, ya know what, he is still the Cards pitcher to own this year. How’s dem apples? Red delicious! Yeah, but people will still try to convince you to draft top starters. Oh…*rappels down Mt. Kilimanjaro*…Kay.
Jose Martinez – 4-for-5, hitting .306. Quick, get him out of the lineup!
Paul DeJong – 1-for-5 and his 13th homer, and his 4th homer this week. Yes, grab him. Yes, now. But, damn, if only he didn’t get hurt earlier this year, he would’ve made good on my sleeper post on him.
Matt Carpenter – 2-for-4, 2 runs, 3 RBIs and his 33rd homer. Nailed it!
Bud Norris – 1/3 IP, 2 ER, ERA at 3.21, and his 4th blown save. Then, Koda Glover (0 IP, 1 ER) came out for the Nats and lost the game. The closepocalypse is real and it’s raining frogs on bullpens everywhere. Podcaster Ralph and I go over bullpens and more on the podcast that’s coming later today, and so much changes in every game, I’m not sure it’s accurate still. Norris is likely still the Cards closer, and the Nats’ closer is…Um…I guess some combination of Glover, Justin Miller, Greg Holland and pray that Sean Doolittle returns soon.
Tommy Milone – 4 1/3 IP, 2 ER, 11 baserunners, 1 K, ERA at 5.24. I got major cackles at myself for starting this guy in a weekly league. It’s NL-Only, but there’s really no excuse (but I will make an excuse on the other side of this parenthetical). He does have a 2-start week, and Stream-o-Nator loves his next start, but, yeah, no excuses.
Bryce Harper – 1-for-4 and his 29th homer, hitting .236. That home run is better than a hug from Bryce’s dad. Watch Harper get to 40 homers, a .250 average and not really appear that bad going into next season.
Juan Soto – 1-for-2, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 15th homer, hitting .301. Listen, I love you, Sexy Dr. Pepper, but today is about Tildaddy.
Sean Manaea – 7 2/3 IP, 2 ER, 7 baserunners, 3 Ks, ERA at 3.44. I’m between thinking of him as a legit fantasy starter and a MediOAKer. Seemingly every time I get off my fence of hedges, he goes the other way.
CC Sabathia – Hit the DL with pretendonitis. The Yankees are saying it’s knee inflammation, and you have to wonder if they’d really make up an injury if it means Sonny Gray will be put back in the rotation, but *insert Ron Burgundy ‘I don’t believe you’ GIF*
Luis Severino – 4 IP, 4 ER vs. the Mess! I can’t believe the Yankees have not put Severino on the DL. It’s going on a month of ineffective pitching. If the Yankees want him for the playoffs, they better DL him soon. By the way, the best is going to be when Severino or the Yanks say something like, “Oh, yeah, he’s had a dead arm for the last month, but we were hoping he’d pitch through it.” That’s when I contract Hand To Forehead Disease.
Amed Rosario – 2-for-5 and a slam (5) and legs (13), hitting .236. I go over Rosario in the video at the top of this post. I do all the voices like a regular Mel Blanc.
Michael Conforto – 2-for-4, 2 runs and his 16th homer, and 2nd homer in as many games. If he’s out there in your league, we have a CODE RED: SCHMOTATO.
Jacob deGrom – 6 2/3 IP, 2 ER, 7 baserunners, 12 Ks, ERA at 1.81. I’m rooting so hard for deGrom to win the Cy Young with under ten wins so old sportswriters’ heads can explode. Actually, they won’t vote for him and my head will explode. Damn, the fate of my head is riding on deGrom’s Cy Young.
Robert Gsellman – 1 IP, 0 ER and the save as Seth Lugo entered the 8th and surrendered two runs. “Hey, Shruggy the Emoji, what do we think of the Mets’ bullpen shituation?” Shruggy shrugs. My guess is the Mess go to Lugo next to keep fantasy baseballers (<–my mom’s term!) on their toes, but I have no idea.
Jose Ramirez – 3-for-5, 2 runs, 3 RBIs and his 35th homer, hitting .301. With 44 games left of the season, Jo-Ram has the Indians’ first ever 35 homer/25 steal season. I ranked him the highest out of any ‘pert in the preseason. You’re welcome.
Michael Brantley – 3-for-6, 2 runs, 1 RBI, hitting .300. Take or leave Yonder Alonso, but how does anyone pitch to the top of the Indians’ lineup when the bottom is sitting there like a lump of shizz.
Scooter Gennett – 1-for-4 and his 18th homer, hitting .306. I told you he didn’t retire after the All-Star Game! He just stopped hitting until yesterday.
Curt Casali – 1-for-1 and his 3rd homer. If Votto needs to miss time, Casali could see playing time at 1B, which is only interesting in NL-Only leagues or leagues where you need at least one guy who sounds like the chorus of a Talking Heads song. Psycho killer…Curt Casali!
Kenley Jansen – Resumed throwing off the mound. That was a quick bounce back from a heartbeat issue. He is built Chevrolet tough! No idea what this means for his timetable, but it might be too soon to abandon hope for him returning this season.
Clayton Kershaw – 8 IP, 1 ER, 4 baserunners, 9 Ks, ERA at 2.47 vs. Madison Bumgarner – 6 IP, 2 ER, 9 baserunners, 4 Ks, ERA at 2.71. This matchup was billed, “Used to be the best vs. Used to be the 2nd best,” then the billing was changed at the last minute to, “Still great, but not the best vs. Still solid, but far from the best.”
Scott Alexander – 2/3 IP, 3 ER and the massive blown save, ERA up to 3.88. Scott Alexander: Cuddle Boy. Up next in the Dodgers’ bullpen… Oh, I see why they’re called Dodgers, because I say up next, and everyone dodges my glances. I’d guess Kenta Maeda, Pedro Baez or even Stripling will get next save opportunity.
Wil Myers – 0-for-3 as he was activated from the DL. Myers said, “It feels good–Shoot, I think I might’ve strained my oblique going from the noun to the verb too fast in that sentence.”
Eric Hosmer – 1-for-1, 2 RBIs and his 11th homer. “Hey, we need to make room on the raft and that body rolled up in carpet is starting to smell–Wait! Hosmer is breathing!” The best on Hosmer’s sign of life, it came on a pinch-hit homer, so there might’ve been a chance you didn’t even start him if you had other options. Classic, Hosmer, classic.
Freddy Galvis – 2-for-4, 2 runs and his 9th homer, and, like, his 39th homer in the last week. Yesterday, I said hot schmotato. Today, I say, hey, hey.
Mike Trout – Away from the team due to a family matter, and may not make it back right when his DL stint is over on Thursday. If you need a sixth for a prayer hexagon, I’m here for you.
Shohei Ohtani – Threw a 33-pitch bullpen session yesterday at 70% effort. Or a 100% Hanley.
Taylor Ward – Called up by the Angels. The Sciosciapath suffers from a rare Scioscia-logical condition that stops him from playing offensive-minded catchers, but, thankfully, Ward has moved to 3rd base, so, as long as The Sciosciapath doesn’t see his fantasy eligibility, we might be okay. Ward was on Prospector Ralph’s top 500 fantasy baseball prospects. A tad higher than Danny Jansen, for what it’s Werth. The Prospect-o-Nator has Ward down for fairly yawnstipating numbers, but he did have 8/10/.352 in 60 Triple-A games. Worth a shot as long as Ward isn’t too hard on Jerry Blevins as The Bleever.
Adam Engel – 2-for-4, 2 runs and his 4th homer, and 2nd homer in the last two games. Could be a super light hitting schmotato, and/or working on trying to get Rotowear to do a Launch Engel t-shirt. (Use promo code SAGNOF)
Omar Narvaez – 1-for-3 and his 5th homer. Never Nefarious Narvaez because he means well!
Nicholas Castellanos – 5-for-5, 2 runs, 5 RBIs and his 17th homer, hitting .291. The Greek God of Hard Contact has the highest wOPA in the majors, which stands for ‘with Opa!’