When Jonathan Lucroy vetoed the trade to the Indians this past weekend, I thought we were going to find out Lucroy was Joey Lauren Adams in Chasing Amy. Other teams were going to try and convert him into one of their players, but he was always going to continue to play for the other team. Then, at some point, he was going to describe oral sex in insane, graphic detail, using balls, bats, and a gear shift, and other teams were just going to give up trying to get him to play for their team. Then it turned out the Brewers were not going to be “Holden” him forever, you can “Banky” on it. Jonathan Lucroy and Jeremy Jeffress were Chinese finger-cuffed to each other and sent to the Rangers for Lewis Brinson and Luis Ortiz. By the way, Luis/Lewis is the Spanish version of tomato-tomahto. I wonder what the Brewers finally said to Lucroy. “We love you, but, dude, if you really love this organization, you’ll get the eff out of here. Go!” Then cried in the rain all super-weepy like Ben Affleck. So, Lucroy gets a small boost in value from the lineup, but the stadium change is nearly a push. As for Jeremy Jeffress, who is Jason Lee in this scenario, will work set up for Sam Dyson, who will keep the job. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:
Carlos Beltran – Traded to Rangers for their top pitching prospect, Dillon Tate. Maybe there was a smell about him that the Rangers didn’t like. Wait, that’s Dillon Taint. Beltran fills the Rangers’ need for a super old guy who loves to strikeout in the playoffs on nasty curveballs. This does little to Beltran’s value. I mean, he’s 39 years old, nowhere is going to change his value. He’s a Zombino that will mash and eat brain custard if healthy, and that “if” is the size of the caution tape aides have put around Clinton to avoid her using her own server.
Joey Gallo – Optioned back to Triple-A. At least they didn’t trade him for an aging outfielder or overrated catcher.
Jay Bruce – Traded to the Mets for Dilson Herrera (okay, there are too many Herreras in the major leagues already — wait your turn, Dilson) and Max Wotell. I like how the Mets’ PR department spun this, “The Mets acquired the NL leader in RBIs.” Yeah, RBIs are something that always translates from team to team. Sure, in Metco, batting between Neil Walker and Wilmer Flores (assuming Yoenis is injured), is an RBI paradise. RBIs are solely about the player. No other factors. Sure, right, sarcastic interjection. I’ve been waiting for the other shoe to drop on Bruce, and I wouldn’t be surprised if the move to the Mets starts the falling Timmmmmmberland.
Jon Niese – Reacquired by the Mets. This move was actually for Bartolo. He said he wanted more shade from the sun to avoid melanoma, and Jon Niese’s nose is just what the doctor ordered.
Matt Reynolds – 2-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 2nd homer as he plays shortstop for Reyes. Would’ve preferred if Reynolds waited a day to hit a home run because I have a bid in on him in an NL-Only league. Oh, wellskis.
Gary Sanchez – Brian Cashman said on the YES Network that Sanchez could be called up as soon as Wednesday. Though, I’m not sure you’re allowed to say anything negative on YES. Sanchez has big-time power and plate discipline. He also should be eligible at catcher, but is not in ESPN leagues (DH-only), though he is a catcher in Yahoo. Allah forbid, we were to all get on the same page with position eligibility.
Jose Peraza – With the move of Bruce, Peraza should have everyday playing time. I went to look for him on waivers in my leagues where I needed steals, and I found out I was about three days and a FAAB dollar short on all of them.
Archie Bradley – 3 1/3 IP, 7 ER. He’s pitching on the next level. Unfortch, the levels are going down.
Anthony Rendon – 2-for-5, 1 run, 3 RBIs, hitting .263. He had six homers in July (top month for power), and stole four bases with a .272 average (top month for average). Compared to his breakout season: he hit .287 in the 1st and 2nd half. Though, six homers in a month would match his career high for power.
Kyle Hendricks – 9 IP, 0 ER, 10 baserunners, 5 Ks. He has the third best ERA in the major leagues at 2.22. More like Kyle HendZOINKS!
Adam Conley – 4 IP, 2 ER, 11 baserunners (6 BBs), 4 Ks, ERA at 3.41. His home ERA is 2.88. Guess where this game was. Go ahead, I have faith in you.
Hector Santiago – Traded to the Twins for Ricky Nolasco and Alex Meyer. This is like the Chess Club announcing they added a new kid to the team on the same day that the high school football team won the state championship.
Max Kepler – 4-for-6, 6 RBIs and three home runs (12, 13, 14). And here’s the president of the Chess Club! “Can you talk about rook to Queen-3? Kepler!” Damn, too much press around him now. Any hoo! Talk about picking the worst day to have a massive game. Dude, you’re not even going to be the back page lead on the trading deadline day.
Jose Berrios – 6 IP, 3 ER, 4 baserunners (0 BBs), 5 Ks as he was recalled. I imagine there’s going to be some ups and downs like how I rock your moms to sleep, but Berrios does have the stuff to be an ace. Unlikely this year, but keepers should take notice.
Eddie Rosario – 2-for-4, 2 runs and his 6th homer. Damn, I was thisclose to grabbing him for the batty call. Stupid non-Blink move!
Joe Mauer – 4-for-5, 4 runs and his 9th homer, hitting .268. Looks like Mauer will get to ten homers, which I didn’t think was possible. You know, the same number of homers as Michael Conforto, who hasn’t been relevant since April.
Danny Salazar – 2 IP, 6 ER, ERA up to 3.38. That’s his 4th bleh start out of five and this one came against the Max Kepler All-Stars. I don’t want to yell fire in the theater of Razzball, but he did have an arm issue going into the All-Star break, and he’s headed for an MRI.
Steve Pearce – Was re-reacquired by Orioles. *counting ‘re’s on fingers* Or is that re-re-reacquired by the Orioles? *writes Pearce’s years with Orioles on one hand’s fingers, writes ‘re’ on the other hand’s fingers* Okay, now I just have a bunch of crap written on my fingers and still don’t know. Pearce was with the Orioles twice before. Whatevs, he’s a bench/platoon guy.
Andrew Benintendi – Called up by the Red Sox. Wow, was this the biggest Monday in fantasy baseball ever? I need a spritz, a massage and a Fanta. I’m so giddy, I’m going to now start randomly quoting Eastbound & Down. Mammy told me about your tomfoolery in the toolshed. Mammy tells me you put a spoon up your behind and then sniffed it. Is this true, Mammy? You misunderstood, Mammy, that was love! I’m now going to place a handkerchief to my forehead and pass out. When I awaken, I will tell you about Andrew Benintendi. Okay, so the Red Sox wouldn’t call him up to sit and he has a .312 average, 9 homers and 16 steals in 97 games in the minors. If you don’t have room for him, make it! Mammy, would want that.
Fernando Abad – This bullpen piece was traded to the Red Sox. David Ortiz asked if he could wear Fernando around his neck on a gold chain, because he’s a “Abad man,” but the Red Sox haven’t agreed to that yet.
Craig Kimbrel – 1 IP, 0 ER and the save as he was activated from the DL. “May all of your closers return from injury as fast as Kimbrel.” Thank you, imaginary fortune cookie that I’m picturing reading.
Mookie Betts – 2-for-4 and his 22nd homer, hitting .306. If I win my Scout league (I’m two points out of first), it will be in large part due to Betts.
Eduardo Rodriguez – 6 1/3 IP, 1 ER, 5 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 5.91. I wonder if all the hitters yesterday were mentally drained thinking they were about to get traded at any point, so when it came time for the games, they had nothing left. That’s for every offense’s hitters except the Twins, which makes sense since no one would be trying to trade for them.
James Paxton – 8 IP, 1 ER, 4 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA at 3.93. Every time we’re out, he pulls us back in. I will call him Streamer Corleone.
Steve Cishek – 2/3 IP, 1 ER. The end is unlikely near, but if it is, Edwin Diaz would be the grab. I also briefly entertained picking up the other Mariners’ setup man, Tom Wilhelmsen, but I thought about how I’d prefer to be handcuffed to a piano while scuba diving.
Francisco Liriano – Acquired by the Blue Jays. I mention this on the podcast that is coming later today (I also interview B-Real of Cypress Hill on the podcast — insert multiple exclamation marks), but I think the Pirates were the biggest winners at the trading deadline. Not by what they acquired, but by dumping Liriano. I imagine the Pirates drove Liriano to the airport like you would drive your mother-in-law to the airport after the holidays. “No, we’re not going back to the house for the toothbrush you left, instead, I will mail you a case of new toothbrushes. You can’t miss your flight.”
Scott Feldman – 0 IP, 1 ER, as he was also acquired by the Blue Jays. I get it, the Blue Jays want Aaron Sanchez out of the rotation, but they could’ve just pitched Jesse Chavez and Drew Hutchison in the rotation rather than acquire two of the worst pitchers in the league.
Marcus Stroman – 7 IP, 1 ER, 4 baserunners, 13 Ks. Damn, there was some pitching yesterday. Stroman has alternated good start with not-so-good start for the last six games, so the time to grab him was before yesterday’s game. His ERA is at 4.74, so obviously there’s been a bunch of terrible starts mixed in. The Stream-o-Nator liked yesterday’s start, but doesn’t love his next one. I could go either way with it, which shows the problem. I have no faith in him.
Doug Fister – 6 IP, 0 ER, 5 baserunners, 8 Ks, ERA at 3.56. He was supposed to be on paternity leave yesterday, but Fister’s wife still hasn’t gone into labor. She might be scared to spread her legs around Fister.
Will Harris – 2/3 IP, 1 ER and his 3rd blown save, and 2nd blown save in as many appearances. The time to grab Ken Giles was about six weeks ago, but there’s still time (if he’s not owned in your league).
Brandon Guyer – Traded to the Indians. Cleveland is a top six offense, and the Rays were a bottom three hitting team. Progressive is a top three field this year, Tropicana is a bottom five field every year. Guyer is a platoon player and none of the preceding matters. Hashtag all preceding matters!
Ivan Nova – Acquired by the Pirates. It’s off limits for the Yankees to be selling at the trade deadline while the Pirates are buying, so this move was written off as a ‘change of scenario’ deal where maybe Nova can figure out his stuff under the tutelage of Ray Searage — or simply Ray Tutelage.
Matt Moore – Traded to Giants. Wait! Maybe they don’t need to worry about Peavy or Cain anymore. Moore gets a boost in value from this trade. Tropicana and AT&T are essentially a push, but NL West vs. AL West is like Andre the Giant vs. Salvatore Bellomo. I’m not grabbing Moore in any 12-team mixed leagues, but I wouldn’t have streamed him prior to this move, and now I’m considering owning him and would stream him.
Andrew Susac – Acquired by the Brewers. If Susac gets the job as the starting catcher in Milwaukee, I will speak more effusively about him at that time. Right now, he’s in the minors. Look at Grey, holding back some sexy, upside info! Plus, Grey, nice usage of effusive. Also, love the way you drop some third person in your writing.
Hernan Perez – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 8th homer. Okay, just put this hot schmotato on all my teams already and stop playing games!
Chris Carter – 1-for-4 and his 25th homer, and 2nd homer in as many games, and third in four games. Yesterday, I said something like he can hit a dozen homers the rest of the way. Today, I’m saying eleven more.
Chris Archer – 7 1/3 IP, 3 ER, 7 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 4.38. Solid start, and Imma let you finish, but Duffy had one of the best starts of the year!
Danny Duffy – 8 IP, 0 ER, 1 Hit, 1 Walk, 16 Ks, ERA at 2.98. What the flippety-flap?! You’re worse than Kepler! What are you, president of the Oratory club? 4-H? 3M? 2 Legit 2 Quit? 1 Bad Motherf*cker? Hayzeus Cristo, what a gorge game. Not to make this all about me, but, well, ya know. In 65 2/3 IP that I’ve owned Duffy, he has 77 Ks and a 2.74 ERA and 0.99 WHIP. So, ya know, he’s kinda been doing this for the last two months. And this is a league where I don’t hold anyone, and I’ve held him.
Kendrys Morales – 2-for-4 and his 17th homer. He’s done ishkabibble in the last week, but might be the sign he’s coming out of it.
Paulo Orlando – 3-for-4, 1 run, hitting .323. He has hits in six of his last ten games with two homers and two steals. Sounds like we have a light schmotato here.
Jesse Chavez – Acquired by the Dodgers. I bet this is one of those moves that looks like nothing at the time, then Chavez ends up a solid starter in September when McCarthy, Hill, Norris or Kazmir are visited by DLzebub.
Josh Reddick – Acquired (with Rich Hill, who I’ll get to) by the Dodgers for Frankie Montas, Grant Holmes, and Jharel Cotton, a group that sounds like cast members of Melrose Place. Reddick had to get out of Oakland. With Semien and Reddick together, Tipper Gore was threatening to have their games classified TV-MA. I like this move for Reddick’s value. Lineup is better, and the pitchers’ park in LA won’t affect him, if he wasn’t bothered by Oakland.
Rich Hill – As previously mentioned, Dodgers grabbed Hill too. Hill gets a nice boost in value too. Dodger Stadium is a solid place to pitch, and it’s NL over AL. Hopefully, Los Angeles autograph seekers don’t embarrass themselves too much by asking Rich Hill for a sniglet.
Yasiel Puig – With the addition of Reddick, Puig took the biggest hit on value. I.e., he got Reddick’d over. So, the Dodgers said he’s headed to the minors, but, rather than taking it sitting down (literally), Puig stormed off the Dodgers’ flight. The Dodgers have called in Tom Hanks to film a “There’s no crying in baseball” short called, “In A Puig Of His Own.”