I’m picturing Droopy Dog saying, “Going down,” to my Excitement for Jose Fernandez. My Excitement for J-Fer is hooking up with a strobe light honey at a club, and my Excitement for J-Fer’s friend later tells my Excitement for J-Fer, “She was cute, except for that protruding Adam’s apple.” My Excitement for J-Fer just got a $300 red light camera ticket. My Excitement for J-Fer put the green trash can at the curb the day it was supposed to put the blue can and then puts the black can at the curb the day the green can was supposed to go out. My Excitement for J-Fer exclaims, “Why can’t I even throw out the trash right?!” My Excitement for J-Fer sighs and puts an emoji in its text messages that symbolizes its childhood hero Hulk Hogan being a racist. As you’ve likely heard, Fernandez is out indefinitely with a bicep strain. Hopefully, he can be fine for next spring, i.e., I wouldn’t be surprised if he doesn’t return this year. Otherwise, as the old beer jingle will tell you, J-Fer, the pitcher to draft when you’re DL’ing more than one. Anyway, here’s what else I saw this weekend in fantasy baseball:
Psyche! Before we get into the post, just wanted to share a bit Razzball news. Frequent commenter, Teddy Heater (real name!) won a contest with DraftKings to throw out the first pitch at this Saturday’s Angels game, and here he is doing just that, rocking a Razzball jersey. For those wondering how he pitched, he would be the best arm in the Mariners bullpen! Anyway II, the roundup:
Christian Yelich – 3-for-5, 1 RBI and 2 steals (13, 14). Damn, he’s running like he ran for Junior High Class President four years ago!
A.J. Ramos – 1 IP, 0 ER and his 18th save. After all the hazarai I went through with Morris and Dunn, this schmohawk, Ramos, just comes along and saves another game like it’s nothing.
Hector Olivera – The poster in the movie lobby just has Olivera’s picture with the words, “Coming Soon.”
Stephen Strasburg – 7 IP, 1 ER, 3 baserunners, 12 Ks as he was activated from the DL. You, “Well, Grey can’t complain about Effin Stressbird after that start.” Yeah, except in a weekly league I didn’t start him. *lines rusty nails up on desktop, bangs head repeatedly on desk, looks in mirror, resembles Abdullah the Butcher* Where was Kevin from ESPN’s “Get Him In Your Lineup” Department when I needed him? “I was at P.F. Chang’s for my 24th birthday. Scorpion bowls, baby!” Thanks, Kev. So, obviously Strasburg is back, and now form a prayer octagon with me that he stays solid the rest of the season.
Denard Span – Still dealing with back problems, which is code for Michael Taylor (1-for-4 and his 14th steal) is not leaving the lineup for the rest of the season. Mr. and Mrs. Span, this is what happens when you name your kid after The Noid.
Ryan Zimmerman – 3-for-4 and his 8th and 9th homers. Maybe because this game came against the Rockies, but I thought about how Zimmerman feels like a guy the Rockies make an awful trade for so he can play 1st base. The only thing stopping the Rockies from being bozos about acquiring Zimmerman, a position that has been a memorial to Todd Helton for years, is the Nats are bigger bozos and signed Zimmerman to an awful contract.
Carlos Gonzalez – 2-for-5 and two solo homers (24, 25) and, like, his 18th homer in the last week. There were some real outspoken people when I said to buy CarGo about how he was done. Those people Keyser Soze’d up in here.
Bud Norris – Orioles released Norris. This feels like one of those moves where you buy new kicks and put the old sneaks in the closet for a rainy day, but that rainy day never comes and eventually you’re like, “Yeah, I can throw out my old sneakers.”
Ubaldo Jimenez – 8 IP, 0 ER, 3 baserunners, 6 Ks. I was at this game (for the aforementioned Teddy Heater first pitch) and I have to say I didn’t see any of the game. J-FoH sat between me and the field, which was enough to label the ticket obstructed, but on top of that DraftKings didn’t exactly buy the contest winner a front row seat. We were about even with the left fielder down the 3rd base line in the ‘crane your neck’ seats.
Chris Davis – 1-for-4, 2 runs and yet another home run, his 29th, and his 45th homer since the break. Babe Ruth, Jimmy Foxx and a steroids needle that Barry Bonds threw out in 2003 are standing on a cloud in heaven, smiling down on Davis.
Gerardo Parra – 2-for-5 and his 10th homer. Hasn’t looked like the 2nd coming of Jesus Alou since his trade, but it’s still early and could be getting hot again.
David Freese – Progress on his finger has stalled. Someone hook some jumper cables up to his hand!
Kole Calhoun – 1-for-5, 2 runs and his 16th homer. He’s having one of those seasons that has him about identical to last year, which had people excited about him in the preseason, but still feeling like a disappointment because he’s not going to the next level. Like Trump saying he respects women by saying he’d sleep with his daughter, Ivanka, if she wasn’t his daughter. Now that’s some next level shizz.
David Murphy – 3-for-6, 4 RBIs and his 6th homer. In related news, Victorino and DeJesus dragged their fingers down the lineup card and sighed. There’s always tomorrow in the game of, “Who the hell knows who The Sciosciapath is going to play next?”
Odubel Herrera – 2-for-5, 1 run, 1 RBI and his 6th homer, and stole two bases on Saturday. Hot schmotato alert!
Cesar Hernandez – 2-for-5, 1 run, 1 RBI, hitting near-.400 and leading off. Mean’s while, Utley has returned as the highest paid bench coach.
Will Venable – 3-for-4, 1 RBI and his 10th steal. After giving birth or watching his wife give birth (I don’t know, I just skimmed the news on him), Venable is back and has been hot, stealing bases and giving names (to his baby).
Keyvius Sampson – 6 IP, 1 ER, 7 baserunners, 4 Ks. For some reason, he sounds like a basketball player. “Keyvius takes it to the hoop, and draws the foul. Here’s hoping he practiced drawing a pirate.” For more fantasy basketball talk, there’s JB. For more Keyvius talk, he should have solid Ks (8+ K/9), but had a 5+ ERA in the minors for multiple years, so I’d be careful in mixed leagues.
Patrick Corbin – 6 IP, 3 ER, 8 baserunners, 5 Ks. I picked him up to stream for this game, but got cold feet at the last moment and dropped him ten minutes before games locked. After seeing what I missed out on, which is meh, I think I made the right move.
David Peralta – 5-for-5, 1 run, 1 RBI. Sometimes I get questions about owning more than one player on the same team, and my answer is always, it doesn’t matter. For instance, I’d own the entire Diamondbacks outfield.
Mike Napoli – 0-for-1. Acquired by the Rangers. I think it’s fair to say the Rangers have no game plan other than wanting to get the old gang back together. How long do we have to wait for the re-signing of Juan Gonzalez and the hiring of media relations adviser, Milton Bradley? Well, maybe 18-24 months for the latter.
Nelson Cruz – 1-for-3 and his 33rd homer. Damn, and still has two working hamstrings.
Jesus Montero – 1-for-3, 2 RBIs and his 2nd homer. Has hit well since his return from the minors, and could be a rising schmotato. In most mixed leagues, I’d still just watch him.
Cliff Pennington – 0-for-1. Blue Jays acquired this member of the White Men DGAF About Me Country Club and plaid-pants wearing, Cliff Pennington. Bit of trivia about Cliff Pennington: when he goes number two, he yells, “Fore!” He’ll platoon with Ryan Goins, and carries no value outside of AL-Only leagues.
Josh Donaldson – 2-for-4 and yet another homer, his 31st. F5!
Jose Bautista – 2-for-4 and his 26th homer, and 2nd homer this weekend. F me for trading him away for Strasburg.
Marco Estrada – 6 1/3 IP, 0 ER, 6 baserunners, 6 Ks vs. Masahiro Tanaka 6 IP, 2 ER, 3 baserunners, 5 Ks. After the Blue Jays swept this series in Yankee Stadium, vintage Steinbrenner would’ve fired Girardi, Cashman and said something vaguely racist about Tanaka.
Jaime Garcia – 7 IP, 0 ER, 6 baserunners, 5 Ks. Nope, he won’t stay healthy, but what are you? A doctor? The CEO of WebMD? Who cares if he stays healthy, he has a 1.77 ERA on the year. Own him.
Matt Carpenter – 1-for-4 and his 17th homer and 2nd homer in as many games. Carpenter’s been an odd duck this year. He has power that he’s never had before, but hitting .266, which is low for him. His peripherals look like he’s become a different hitter this year, more Ks, more fly balls and less ground balls.
Khris Davis – 2-for-4, 4 RBIs and two more homers (10, 11). July 15th through August 15th will forever be known as the month of C(K)hris Davis in the year of CK One, one year after the death of Domonic Brown, who has since been reborn in the form of a hitter whose swing isn’t obscenely long. To be or not be isn’t the question, Khris or Domonic is the question. I think they’re both capable of ten homers the rest of the way, which is huge from this point forward, but Davis is at least playing every day, whereas the Phils are playing games still with Brown.
Alex Gordon – Took batting practice in the cage. Is he being held captive by The Others from Lost?
Danny Duffy – 3 1/3 IP, 3 ER, ERA at 4.19 vs. Jose Quintana 6 2/3 IP, 4 ER, 10 baserunners, 4 Ks. This was a matchup billed as, “Hey, that guy is on my waivers, and has been decent…And I still don’t want him.” The font on the playbill was 5-point to fit in the matchup title.
Jeff Samardzija – 4 2/3 IP, 7 ER. Get Samardzija the Samardzija off my teams!
Jose Abreu – 0-for-4 and two homers on Saturday. I’d be very3 happy if he gets to 30 homers on the year. Like through the moon happy like Neil Armstrong when he accidentally put his foot through the cardboard moon where they filmed the landing.
Chris Bassitt – 6 2/3 IP, 1 ER, 5 baserunners, 10 Ks, ERA at 2.48. Between Bassitt and Pomeranz, the A’s are best in show! Really liking what I’ve seen so far from Bassitt, dawg. I still wouldn’t start him in away games (except for Petco, Metco, etc), but as a MediOAKer, I’d start Bassit every time out. Definitely over any Marginer.
Danny Valencia – 2-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 9th homer, and also homered on Friday. Could be a very light schmotato, and definitely worth looking at in deeper leagues since he’s playing every day.
Edward Mujica – 0 IP, 3 ER and blew chunks/save with a home run to Colby Rasmus. Mujica is such garbage that garbage calls him up and asks him politely to be less garbagey, because he’s giving garbage a bad name. I grabbed Pomeranz for saves, but looked hard at Fernando Rodriguez too. On a related note, stash Sean Doolittle now.
Mike Fiers – 6 2/3 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 4 Ks vs. the A’s that punted offense for characters from a SkineMax film. The Stream-o-Nator loves Fiers’s next start, but it’s loved all of his starts this year, so, sorry, Mr. Robot, I’m not falling for it.
Michael Cuddyer – Will be activated from the DL today. Five over-the-internet dollars says he doesn’t make it to September without an injury. You know you can’t handle any of that action, just like Cuddyer can’t handle action, period.
Grady Sizemore – 0-for-3. I almost wrote his name Grady Ziering, because Grady seems like he starred in a nighttime soap a few years ago and now can’t get work. Yesterday aside, he has been hot schmotato’ing for a few days now (three homers in the last week).
Richie Shaffer – 3-for-3, 3 runs and his 2nd homer. Sadly (for him), he hasn’t started since last Tuesday (when he also homered) because the Rays are only using him vs. lefties, which makes sense since they’re in a pennant chase and can’t afford to play a rookie to see what he can do. Right.
Mat Latos – 4 IP, 6 ER. What a disappointment. Like the new Dre album.
Howie Kendrick – Left yesterday’s game with a hamstring strain. Don’t worry, even with a Kendrick DL stint, there’s ways for Mattingly to continue to bench Guerrero.
Jim Johnson – 2/3 IP, 8 ER. My condolences go out to his owners in Holds leagues.
Jung-ho Kang – 1-for-3, 2 runs, 3 RBIs and his 9th homer. Do you think they’re secretly filming Jung-ho as a remake of Gung Ho in its reverse?
Andrew McCutchen – 2-for-6, 2 runs, 4 RBIs and his 17th homer, as the Pirates swept the Dodgers. See, Dodgers, all you needed was to trade for Aramis, not half the league. Aramis is the magic elixir, or at least that’s what I thought as a 17-year-old in Jersey.
Francisco Cervelli – 3-for-4, 2 runs, 3 RBIs and his 6th homer, hitting .307. I wonder if Cevelli gets back to the clubhouse after every game, expecting Alyssa Milano to jump out of a giant cake. Maybe when you follow Martin to Toronto in a few years.
Jake Arrieta – 7 2/3 IP, 0 ER, 6 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 2.38. He’s the Compton songs with Kendrick Lamar on them.
Starlin Castro – Benched for three consecutive days. It’s one thing when a hitter is nursing an injury. It’s a whole nudder shituation when they’re getting straight benched. If you haven’t already, now is the time to stash Javier Baez, Castro’s about to become a platoon infielder.
Bruce Rondon – 1 IP, 0 ER and the save on Saturday, because Alex Wilson has shoulder fatigue. Wilson knew there was a problem when he woke up the other day and his shoulder hit the snooze button. I’d grab Rondon in all leagues in case Wilson can’t NoDoz his shoulder.
Rajai Davis – 0-for-3, 1 run and his 17th steal as he hit leadoff and Gose (0-for-3) moved to the nine hole. Honestly, I don’t care who Ausmus hits leadoff, but I sure as fudge wish he’d choose one guy and stick with him.
Miguel Cabrera – Will run the bases on Tuesday. This is huge news because he’s never actually run the bases before in his career.
Henry Owens – 5 IP, 1 ER, 7 baserunners (4 BBs), 2 Ks. That start was ‘Robbie Ross Jr. coming in with the bases loaded’ away from being ugly. Owens could have a nice career, but unless you’re playing in a league that averages fifteen years worth of stats together to find a winner, I wouldn’t touch Owens in mixed leagues without the Stream-o-Nator‘s consent.
Justin Masterson – Designated for assignment. That assignment is to phone twenty-nine major league clubs and to disguise his voice. “I can’t believe Masterson is on WAY…VEERS… He should totally be PEEEEEEK’d up.” That’s Masterson talking to the Blue Jays front office through his Autotune app.
Clay Buchholz – Hopes to resume throwing this Wednesday. Great, I’m sure I’ll get an update from LinkedIn about it too.
Hanley Ramirez – Hasn’t started for two straight days after fouling a ball off his foot on Friday. Hanley could get a day-to-day injury from opening a piece of mail.
Mookie Betts – Hopes to return on Tuesday from his concussion. He better, he better, he Betts.
Jackie Bradley Jr. – 2-for-3, 2 runs, 5 RBIs and his 2nd homer. Yeah, but only one walk. What a loser!
Koji Uehara – Took a pitch off his wrist so he’s out until Tuesday at the earliest. Or Ueharliest. I’d grab Jean Machi and Junichi Tazawa, likely in that order after Tazawa was hit hard on Saturday and came into the game in the 8th yesterday. Uehara says he could be back on Tuesday, but this is the kind of injury that could easily lead to a DL stint.
Jose Ramirez – 2-for-5, 2 RBIs. At some point in the last week, the Indians GM woke from a nasty hangover and realized the trading deadline passed, so he traded Swisher and Bourn to the Braves. Not directly related to Ramirez, except the Indians are looking to the future now and Ramirez has been leading off with Kipnis shelved.
Abraham Almonte – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 2nd homer, and 2nd homer in two games and perhaps the only time he’s hit two homers in two games in his career since he’s more of a speed guy. With Bourn gone, Almonte is the center fielder in Cleveland and my kind words for him end there. He could hit seven homers, steal twenty bases and hit .240 over the course of a season, which won’t happen unless the Indians play a 1400-inning extra inning game where Almonte gets 450 ABs.
Jerry Sands – 1-for-4, run and homered on Saturday as he took over Swisher’s vacated spot. Jerry Sands sounds like a pen name for someone who writes for one of those free magazines you get in your Vegas hotel room. “Hey, baby, Jerry Sands says the Rio buffet is great!”
Corey Kluber – 9 IP, 1 ER, 4 baserunners, 10 Ks vs. the Twins, ERA at 3.46 and record at 7-12. Thinking Kluber might be on the outside looking in on the Cy Young award this year, unless Keith Law’s plot to take over the world with pomposity and arcane words succeeds.
Ervin Santana – 2 1/3 IP, 8 ER. This Ervin is like magic as seen at a party hosted by the clown from Capturing the Friedmans.