Paul Deux Dong

Around The Lou, Paul DeJong is colloquially known as Colonel Mustard, the Land Marshall, who is both dignified and dangerous who always rolls second. Or, uh, *counts the spots in the lineup* sixth. Yesterday, Colonel Mustard (2-for-4, 3 runs, 5 RBIs) did it with a baton on the back of a miniature horse while riding through our nation’s capital. “Onward tiny chap!” The Colonel coaxed his horsie, not a pony, many people make this mistake, around the bases not once, but twice. His fourth and fifth homer-jaunts around the bases in this too-early-to-be-called-a-season season. Will the Colonel Mustard continue to *pinkie to mouth* musquerade as an All-Star General or will his dong-ability be more of a lowly private? A tiny horse, of course, can carry him to 30 homers, and a .250 average easily, and I won’t hear any neighs. My condiments to the Colonel. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Jack Flaherty – 6 IP, 2 ER, 8 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA at 3.80. On one hand, he was cruising out to the W on Ivictory Coast because the Cards were up huge. On the other hand, where’s the flat-out domination from a starter who was being drafted in the top 25 overall? On a third hand that is actually Hamburger Helper, it’s a small sample. On a fourth hand that is a mitten on a mop’s handle, his velocity is down.

Paul Goldschmidt – 3-for-5, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 2nd homer. Au Shizz!

Tommy Edman – 2-for-5, 2 RBIs and his 2nd homer. Okay, but how about that position eligibility? My man, Ed Tommy!

Justin Williams – 2-for-3, 2 runs and his 2nd homer, hitting .231. Love everything I’ve seen from this kid — ha, “this kid” like I’m 80 — but I haven’t seen enough to warrant anything more than NL-Only. Will be cyclops’ing him, though.

Joe Ross – 4 1/3 IP, 10 ER, ERA at 5.87. For those people who started Ross, Giolito and Patrick Corbin last week, check out our fantasy football offerings! I kid. Kinda. That is a rough go of it. You just have to grind it back, like you’re doing fantasy baseball twerking.

Lucas Giolito – 1 IP, 7 ER, ERA at 5.79. Someone should’ve told him Patriot’s Day doesn’t mean you give up touchdowns. Had to feel bad when fans were taunting “Tough Monday, Gahfield. Go to the North End and get some lasahgnyah!”

Enrique Hernandez – 2-for-6, 2 runs, and his 3rd homer. Another leadoff homer, call him Enrickéy.

J.D. Martinez – 3-for-5, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 6th homer. Just Dong, because anything else would be uncivilized.

Alex Verdugo – 3-for-4, 2 runs and his 3rd homer. Gonna have a top 50 overall type year, and will go completely unheralded, ironically since in Boston. Think it’s the type of player Verdugo is that he won’t ever be appreciated for how valuable he is. 90/22/90/.300/9 seems kinda whatever, but it’s a very valuable year.

Nathan Eovaldi – 6 1/3 IP, 4 ER, 9 baserunners, 10 Ks, ERA at 3.04. Red Sox jumped out to a huge early lead, then Eovaldi cruised out to the W on the Ivictory Coast. By the by, he tired late, but this was a solid start, even if he gave up his first barrel of the year. That’s right, his first. Only pitcher without allowing one was Woodruff, and that ended last night too.

Adalberto Mondesi – Still not cleared to swing a bat. Can he pinch run? Asking for my teams that need steals.

Andrew Benintendi – 0-for-3, hitting .204, as he was moved down to the seven hole. Enjoyed how the Royals’ beat writers were talking about this like it’s just a slump Benintendi’s gonna shake out of. Ha, yeah, okay, it’s one of those 24-month slumps.

Danny Duffy – 6 IP, 0 ER, 6 baserunners, 8 Ks, ERA at 0.50. Sure, grab him, but this was also a Streamonator call, and it likes his next one, if slightly less so.

Josh Fleming – 5 1/3 IP, 0 ER, 2 baserunners, 3 Ks, ERA at 0.87. Fun fact! Josh Fleming is an exclamation often associated with lots of mucus.

Adolis Garcia – 2-for-4, 2 runs and his 2nd homer. Last week I told you about him, and how he could sneak into a lot of power. Today, I’m asking you, want you be an absolute Adolis and grab him?

Kohei Arihara – 5 2/3 IP, 0 ER, 4 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 2.21. This guy is a WHIP connoisseur. A master and commander of pitches. A fiancée engaged with finesse. He’s good for ratios. Streamonator does hate his next one though.

Shohei Ohtani – 0-for-4, hitting .309. Will be limited to 75 pitches today, and won’t be hitting. Geez, it’s like a unicorn taking off its horn, and just being a sparkly pony.

Albert Pujols – 1-for-4, 1 run, 1 RBI and his 1st steal. Was a pretty cool steals actually, Albert Pujols wore an outfit of grass and dirt, so he blended into the outfield and was able to steal third without a throw.

Dylan Bundy – 5 IP, 5 ER, ERA at 4.50. When they said Bundy always calls for a count of five, this wasn’t what I had in mind.

Lance McCullers – Due to an illness, he won’t be able to pitch in Colorado on Tuesday. Yeah, it’s Mile High Fever and it’s 420 in Colorado, Mr. Bong Blaster!

Dinelson Lamet – Will make season debut today or tomorrow, which puts him on pace for Tommy John surgery on May 12th, give or take three days.

Joe Musgrove – 7 IP, 2 ER, 5 baserunners, 13 Ks, ERA at 1.04. Hey, anyone have a time machine for me to go back and draft Musgrove in every league? I’ll pay for the gas. Or plutonium, or whatever.

Billy McKinney – 1-for-4, 1 RBI and his 1st homer, hitting .310, just as I added him in one of my deepest leagues. Now we’re talking — McTalking? Billy Mc is a high contact, iffy power, no speed hitter who is filling in for Yelich. Sounds enticing! He could be a schmotato, but too early to say.

Luis Urias – 1-for-1 and his 2nd homer. Urias was a guy who I said last week seemed to be getting hot, but he left with a calf cramp, so moo to that.

Brandon Woodruff – 6 IP, 1 hit, 1 ER, 3 walks, 7 Ks, ERA at 1.96. Milwaukee’s Cleveland of the NL. They might make the playoffs, due to their pitching, but their hitting is hilariously bad.

Corey Seager – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 3rd homer, as the Dodgers met his brother’s team, the Mariners. Corey out-performed Kyle, but the M’s won, so what does that mean for the Seagers’ mom? Who will she love more? Find out tomorrow!

Dustin May – 5 IP, 3 ER, 5 baserunners, 8 Ks, ERA at 2.93 vs. Justus Sheffield – 5 2/3 IP, 3 ER, 7 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 4.86. This matchup of May vs. Sheffield sounded like a British Prime Minister mishap involving cheering on the pitch for the wrong football team, and sloppily making up for the error by eating bangers.

Kyle Lewis – Will be activated today, or as it’s known in my house:  Opening Day. LFG!

Rafael Montero – 1 IP, 0 ER, and the save, ERA at 2.89. *screeches tires to a stop, backs up to waivers, passes by the cemetery and the Graveman, re-picks up Montero* Yeah, I have no idea. I thought Montero was over, then, he put two guys on in the 9th, and I thought he was over again, but apparently this is more of a committee.

Ty France – Left the game after taking a pitch off his forearm. Sounds like he’s day-to-day, which with France is just so laissez faire.

Jose Marmolejos – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 3rd homer. All in favor of him changing to the one-name moniker, Marmolejose — say aye; all those against, get out.

Jose Alvarado – Hit the IL with about five other Phils, like Matt Moore, due to Covid protocols. Patient zero: The Phanatic.

Kevin Gausman – 6 IP, 0 ER, 10 baserunners (4 BBs), 5 Ks, ERA at 2.45. Gausman throws more splitters than pitches. I don’t know how that’s possible, but he does. Since I have Gausman in more leagues than I care to admit, I watched this game, and he was dancing between the raindrops with all the traffic on the bases, but since half the Phils’ lineup is currently hitting below .230, it seemed like he was always able to work around trouble.

Brandon Belt – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 3rd homer. He hit that ball so hard, well, I get why he’s not Brandon Suspenders. As someone who’s followed Belt’s career for longer than he’s followed it himself (not possible), Belt always hits them in bunches, like Mr. Chiquita, so now’s the time to grab and hold.

Starling Marte – Will hit the IL with a non-displaced fractured rib. I blame all rib injuries on Adam Eaton. My guesstimate for his return is anywhere from three weeks to two months.

Ronald Acuña Jr. – Went for an MRI on his strained abdominal, and is day-to-day. The Fantasy Baseball Overlord takes, then he takes some more. Screams at the sky, “Can’t we have anything nice?!” Seven hours later, still silence. “I don’t think he’s going to answer.”