The last two weeks I’ve said some variation of, “Pablo Lopez (9 IP, 0 ER, 4 hits, zero walks, 12 Ks, ERA at 3.89) is the biggest Buy Low.” Prolly called him Pab-Lo, but the sentiment remained the same. Buy Low, I said, as I stood below your window, waiting for you to lower your hair so I could climb up and whispering why Pablo Lopez was a Buy Low. His K/9 is 11.2 and his BB/9 is 2.4. I did a Zoom call with those numbers and talked dirty until they called me a Toobin and hung up. His xFIP is 3.45. That’s SHE upside down on a calculator. You need more info here? Really? Everything looked perfect on his perfs, the only thing that was poking out and ruining things was his unlucky LOB%. Once that corrected itself, he was going to be an ace. Ya know one way to avoid a LOB problem? It’s to leave guys on freakin’ base! That was going to be the easiest thing to correct for someone with a 11+ K/9. He is no longer a Buy Low. Hopefully, you got in on Pab-Lo before he became Pab-Properly-Priced. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Edouard Julien – 1-for-2 and his 6th homer, 2nd homer in as many games. I hate how horndoggery Baldelli is to play matchups, but Julien looks hot schmotatoey.

Colton Cowser – 1-for-3, 1 run, 1 RBI as he was promoted. For those wondering, Cowser > Westburg. Well, Cowser> a lot of players, but that one comes to mind because of the same team. Just recently gave you a Colton Cowser fantasy, so I’m not going  to repeat myself. He’s an add everywhere.

Ryan O’Hearn – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs and a slam (7) and legs (1), hitting .294. The most unlikely slam & legs of the season? Trying to think back if Vogelbach stole a bag.

Dean Kremer – 7 IP, 1 ER, 5 baserunners, 10 Ks, ERA at 4.78. You can look at the Streamonator, but you have to be careful. He brew some disasters.

Jimmy Cordero – Suspended for the rest of the season for violating the league’s joint domestic violence, sexual assault and child abuse policy. But at least he was clean-shaven right, Yanks?

Josh Donaldson – 2-for-3 and his 9th homer. Sadly, once he homered, the Yanks were doomed to lose.

Randy Vasquez – 5 IP, 0 ER, 6 baserunners, 1 K, ERA at 1.17. Honestly, haven’t watched one second of his pitching, but his stats look hilariously awful, and he was optioned back down.

Anthony Volpe – 1-for-3, 2 runs and his 12th homer, hitting .400 in the last two weeks with three homers. There was a reason why Volpe was a borderline top 100 guy in the preseason.

Rowdy Tellez – Hit the IL with “forearm inflammation.” Not sure why they put it in quotes. Weird. The Brewers added they’re really “upset” he’s injured.

Willy Adames – 1-for-4 and his 13th homer, hitting .208. Lots of comments about dropping Adames and I get it, he’s been painful to roster, but he’s capable of a big power half.

Eduardo Rodriguez – 4 IP, 5 ER, ERA at 2.64, as he was activated from the IL. Tigers might have built a team that sucks, but at least they’re smart enough to bring back their starters vs. the A’s. Too bad it seemed like EdRod wasn’t ready. Or rusty. Hopefully, he’s healthy.

Ryan Noda – 1-for-5, 2 RBIs and his 9th homer. *opening up my DM* Ooh, someone sending me Nodas.

Shea Langeliers – 2-for-5, 2 runs and his 10th homer. Fun fact! He asked to be called Citifield Langeliers.

Jordan Hicks – 1/3 IP, 1 ER, and his 3rd blown save, ERA at 4.15. Not saying he’s donezo, but he can become donezo as quickly as he became undonezo’d.

Jordan Walker – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 7th homer, hitting .286. Ready for him to hit 15 homers in a month and regain “Sexiest Prospect Alive” from Elly.

Matthew Liberatore – 1/3 IP, 4 ER, ERA at 6.75. Liberatorn.

Nolan Gorman – 1-for-3, 2 RBIs and his 17th homer, 2nd homer this month. Gorman was great, pitchers figured him out, and now he figures them out again. That’s how it goes. Gorman can come out of it and be as good as he was in April/May again.

Dane Myers – 2-for-4, 1 run, playing center with Jazz out. For the last month, Marlins’ beat writer, Craig Mish, has been DM’ing me stuff like, “Check out Dane Myers,” and I’d say, “Any relation to Ft. Myers,” and then he’d mute me for a week. He’s a little Quad-A-ish, but he has great speed and some power (13/16 in 69 games this year in AA and AAA). Think it’s more of a NL-Only play, but worth a monocle.

Trea Turner – 2-for-5 and his 9th hoemr. Finally a freakin’ Treat! I’ve been Urner’ing them all year.

Nick Castellanos – 1-for-5 and his 13th homer, 3rd in four days. Also, there’s been three new social media apps in four days. Coincidence?

Luke Raley – 1-for-3 and his 15th homer. He’s around the 70th best player overall on the Player Rater, i.e., he should be rostered in 100% of leagues.

Patrick Sandoval – 5 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners (4 Bbs), 5 Ks, ERA at 4.41 vs. Seth Lugo – 6 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 3.39. This matchup was billed as: Streamonator, whatchu think?

Alex Cobb – 6 IP, 0 ER, 6 hits, zero walks, 7 Ks, ERA at 2.91. Cobb with a chef’s kiss. What episode of The Bear was that? The Xmas episode?

Kodai Senga – 8 IP, 1 ER, 5 baserunners, 12 Ks, ERA at 3.31. I was watching this game and screaming, “Give him some gee-dee support, you iceholes,” like I was Johnny Dangerously. Finally, those iceholes did.

Francisco Alvarez – 2-for-4 and his 15th homer, hitting .221. He has 35-homer power. Just laying down the facts here, Jack.

Christian Walker – 1-for-3 and a slam (18) and legs (5). Okay, he has 35-homer power too. Fine, you’re right, Jack. Jack knows jacks.

J.D. Martinez – 1-for-3, 2 runs, 3 RBIs and his 20th homer. Just Dong, because dur.

Bobby Miller – 5 2/3 IP, 4 ER, 6 baserunners, 7 Ks, ERA at 4.50. Am I the only one saying the end of the shift seems to affected the Dodgers’ pitchers and no one else? Though, I guess giving up all runs on homers doesn’t help that argument.

Daniel Hudson – 1 IP, 0 ER, ERA at 0.00000000000 as he collected his 1st save. Okay, before we start reaching around on each other, Phillips had gone three days in a row. It doesn’t make Hudson the closer.

Jack Suwinski – 1-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 19th homer, 2nd homer in as many games. Yeah, no shift helping there.

Bryan Reynolds – 1-for-4 and his 9th homer. Okay, no shift helping that either. Point taken.

Brayan Bello – 7 IP, 2 ER, 8 baserunners (zero walks), 3 Ks, ERA at 3.04. Doing the chest-poundy-thingy from The Wolf of Wall Street with how excited I am for Bello next year already.

Adolis Garcia – 2-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 22nd homer. Okay, Adolis haters might just want to pretend his whole 1st half didn’t happen.

Matt Olson – 3-for-4, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 29th homer, hitting .254. Braves are so good that Olson is in the top three on the Player Rater with zero speed.

Sean Murphy – 4-for-5, 3 runs, 2 RBIs and his 15th homer, hitting .305. He has a strong case for the best catcher year in fantasy if Snitker stops trying to make The French Terminator a thing. D’Arnothankyou.

Austin Riley – 2-for-5, 2 runs and his 16th homer, hitting .268. Just what the Braves need is another hot hitter.

Elly De La Cruz – 3-for-6, 2 runs and a slam (4) and legs (11), hitting .318. *pulls on collar* Is it hot in here?

Joey Votto – 3-for-5, 2 runs and his 5th homer, hitting .205. Who said bangs are out of style?

Graham Ashcraft – 6 IP, 1 ER, 10 baserunners, 2 Ks, ERA at 6.28. I streamed him, but this was vs. the Gnats, and I’m a professional, don’t try streaming him on your own.

Randal Grichuk – 1-for-4 and his 4th homer. Remember when Grichuk got mad at bat flips? Yeah, happened a few years ago. Maybe he was afraid he might tempt himself so he stopped hitting homers.

C.J. Cron – 2-for-4 and his 7th homer. Curtis Jackson is in the da club. That club being “Players with 7 homers.”

Jose Altuve – Sounds like he might not play until after the All-Star Break. Will see if he’s up to it, unlike the height requirement on the roller coaster.

Yainer Diaz – 2-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 9th and 10th homer, hitting .267. Don’t bother the drafters of J.T. Realmuto, they’re pleasantly shoving their head in the sand so they don’t see what Yainer is doing.

Jeremy Pena – 2-for-3, 2 RBIs and his 10th homer, hitting .251. He was one of my first sells of the season, because I thiought he was overrated coming off last year (and the playoffs). Pena is better for real life baseball. Hunh, when have I heard that before for an Astros’ shortstop?

J.P. France – 6 IP, 3 ER, 7 baserunners, 4 Ks, ERA at 3.26. Grabbed Juan Pierre France due to the Streamonator, and plan to drop him as soon as I need someone else.

Cristian Javier – Astros announced Javier won’t make another start before the break. I speak for everyone who started him in a weekly league for a two-start week when I say, THANK YOU!