Now, on most occasions, if one were to toot his own horn, he’d never leave the house. And, coincidentally, I don’t go out that much. However, seriously, rain down your props on me for Nick Pivetta. Rain them down! Who else told you to grab him the 1st week of the season? Yesterday, he went 7 IP, 1 ER, 3 baserunners, 11 Ks, ERA at 3.72. I’ve been telling you people — yeah, you people! — to own Pivetta forever (six weeks). He’s a new, different — better even! — pitcher this year. He has a 10 K/9 and 2.2 BB/9. If you don’t know why that’s good, I can help you, but it could take some time. You do know what numbers are, right? Okay, good first step. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:
Edubray Ramos – 2/3 IP, 2 Ks to start the 9th in a save situation, without breaking a sweat, then was removed for Hector Neris to get the last out. Instead of going to the matchups, Gabe Kapler should be going to the mattresses. Gabe Kapler is the worst person in history. I saw it on the History Channel, don’t dispute me. I’d still hold Ramos and Neris (I guess) if you need saves, but this is a shituation of epic barf.
Cesar Hernandez – 2-for-5, 2 runs and his 5th homer, hitting .267. Cesar said he’d take that ball toga! No? Okay.
Adam Jones – 1-for-4 and his 7th homer, hitting .259. You can’t find a more boring (boringer?) outfielder. The boringest?
Trevor Bauer – 8 IP, 0 ER, 4 baserunners, 10 Ks, ERA at 2.59. Speaking of horn tooting, I ranked Bauer in the top 20 starters! If you don’t own him, that’s on you, homey.
Michael Brantley – 3-for-5, 2 runs and his 6th homer, hitting .338. He gives me such serious mehs, but even I can’t deny he’s having a decent season. …And here’s Grey King Cole with Unmistakable! “That’s why, Brantley, it’s incredible, that Grey mentioned you…It’s unmistakable, that’s what a mention of you are (good English).”
Nelson Cruz – Out for a few games with a sore right foot. They call that a *pinkie to mouth* Nelson Bruz.
Robinson Cano – Underwent surgery on his fractured finger. The doctors said he mumbled in surgery, “The PEDs never helped me lollygag to first on a ground ball. That lack of hustle was all me.”
Bartolo Colon – 7 2/3 IP, 0 ER, 7 baserunners, ERA at 2.82. His ERA is officially under his weight. His walk rate is down to 0.71, which is his age. His K/9 is 5.7, which is the average number of times someone asks him to autograph something in exchange for a burrito. He could pitch until he’s in his 60’s, and this suddenly became evidence in a child support lawsuit against him.
Carlos Gomez – Hit the DL with a groin injury. That’s the bad news. Good news is he has a groin.
C.J. Cron – 2-for-4, 3 runs and his 10th homer, and 2nd homer in as many games, and he’s getting so many runs, he must have Cron’s Disease! In a good way!
Jake Faria – 4 1/3 IP, 3 ER, ERA at 5.20. This start was against the Royals, and even the Stream-o-Nator was like, “Let’s discuss my disgust,” then clicked the landline, “Hello, is anyone still there? Why does no one like me?”
Jarrod Dyson – 0-for-1, 1 run, 2 BBs and his 6th steal, as he hit 2nd and took over for Pollock in center. If Dyson is going to suck up Pollock’s fantasy value, blow some of that in my direction (in deeper leagues, let’s not get carried away).
Matt Koch – 4 1/3 IP, 8 ER. Ouch. Koch got Dinkins’d!
Ryan Braun – Sounds like he’s headed to the DL. Such a PEDs of shizz.
Domingo Santana – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 2nd homer, hitting .258. “I wish we could keep his body in this sky lift, but it’s best to drop it out and let it roll down–Whoa! Domingo’s hand moved! He’s alive!” Not sure where Domingo’s ownership is right now, if he’s available or not, but he has to get better, so BUY!
Travis Shaw – 2-for-4, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 10th homer. Cainye MidWest (1-for-3, 2 runs and his 10th steal) has been doing fine, but Yelich (1-for-5, 2 RBIs and his 4th homer), Braun, Domingo, and Thames have been more or less bleh.
Tyler Saladino – 1-for-4 and his 2nd homer, and 2nd this week (though, the first was an inside-the-parker, which is also what Sean Parker calls his blood). Can say hot schmotato, but don’t expect too much.
Rich Hill – Dodgers say he will start Saturday. Notice how I didn’t say, “Will start Saturday.” There will be at least five more updates about his blistery fingers from now until then. Rich is a total BILF — Blister I’d Like to stab with a Fork.
Justin Smoak – 2-for-5, 2 runs, 3 RBIs and his 6th homer, hitting .255. Wouldn’t mind seeing Smoak get hot? Pun? P to the erhaps.
Teoscar Hernandez – 2-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 7th homer, hitting .272. Once again, he does something just as he’s in the 24-hour countdown for getting dropped off my team. Way to stay on my team (barely).
J.A. Happ – 7 IP, 0 ER, 2 baserunners, 10 Ks, ERA at 4.15. Like a donut, I wholly enjoy Happ — his peripherals are gorge — but this was against the Mets, so obviously a bit more glorious than anyone has reason to expect.
Josh Donaldson – 1-for-3, 2 runs, 2 RBIs, hitting .242.
— Razzball (@Razzball) May 16, 2018
Yoenis Cespedes – Hit the DL with a flexor strain. Phillip Evans (0-for-3) was called up and started in his place. He has 98 fewer legs than Cespedes, lacks speed and power and was hitting .254 in Triple-A this year, so, well, he’s ownable in NL-Only leagues, and that’s about it.
Zack Wheeler – 4 IP, 6 ER, ERA at 5.92. Forever the optimist, Mickey Callaway said, “As far as we know, Zack still has his elbow and forearm, so we’ll take it!”
Jameson Taillon – 5 2/3 IP, 2 ER, 8 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA at 3.97. I like him, but he’s kinda basic, huh? Not like ‘sleeps with her friend’s man’ basic, but like ‘aight, you gotta dazzle a bit more here’ basic.
Yolmer Sanchez – 1-for-4 and his 2nd homer. It’s the Rise of the 1st Week of the Season Schmotato!
Leury Garcia – 2-for-3 and his 2nd homer. Damn, I was thisclose to making him a batty call to fill-in for my Rockies hitter, who was off. By the by, why are there teams off on a Wednesday? Did MLB schedulers use the Jewish calendar? Listen in on the MLB front office for something like this, “5775’s gonna be a great year for baseball!”
Tyler Chatwood – 5 1/3 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 2 Ks, ERA at 3.14 vs. Brandon McCarthy – 6 IP, 1 ER, 7 baserunners, 8 Ks, ERA at 5.05. Good old fashioned pitchers’ duel. Well, not that old fashioned, or they both would’ve thrown into the 9th inning, and at least one of them would’ve thrown more than 85 pitches.
Arodys Vizcaino – 1 IP, 0 ER, and the save, ERA at 2.61. I guess that panic was over nothing — Snitker, Snitker.
Evan Gattis – 1-for-3, 2 RBIs and his 4th homer, hitting .212. I keep making fun of CBS for the preseason ranking of Gattis in the top 20 overall for ALL positions, but, ya know what, he’s doing better than Goldschmidt.
Justin Verlander – 9 IP, 0 ER, 6 baserunners, 7 Ks, ERA at 1.05. I know this doesn’t fully make sense, but Verlander’s ERA actually went up after a shutout complete game. Believe me? Look it up, but that would hurt my feelings, so just believe me.
Brandon Belt – 2-for-5 and his 9th homer, and 3rd homer in three games. It’s without can, i.e., uncanny, he always homers in five straight games, yet still somehow never tops 20 homers in a year.
Andrew Suarez – 6 IP, 4 ER, 9 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA at 4.88. Sucks he didn’t get to face Eugenio Suarez (was nursing an injury). Not for novelty sake, but I bet if Suarez faced Suarez the Ghost of Teddy Roosevelt would show up at the game. Damn, lost $50. Thanks a lot, SCOTUS!
Matt Harvey – 4 IP, 3 ER, ERA at 6.17. He’s like a graphic novel crossover of Jimmy Stewart’s Harvey and Donnie Darko. Jimmy Stewart voice, “Yeah, see, this Harvey character is weird AF. Now, here’s a poem about my dog, Beau.”
Adam Duvall – 2-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 8th homer. I’ve been cyclops’ing him on the down low. He plays close to every day, and he’s hitting close to .300 in the last week (good for him), and has three homers in the last ten games. First name hot, last name schmotato.
Scooter Gennett – 2-for-4, 2 runs and his 7th homer, and, like, his 17th homer in the last three weeks. Scoots McAiry-them-out! Son just gave you his Scooter Gennett fantasy. Go read it, and earn Son and I .000000001 of a penny that we can split.
Trevor Cahill – 5 IP, 3 ER, 6 baserunners, 1 K, ERA at 2.79, as he was activated from the DL. If you started him fresh off the DL and in Fenway, you have stones larger than your head.
Marcus Semien – 2-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 4th homer. Between him and OZUNA, I can’t believe I’m in third place in my RCL league. They have combined for the same amount of homers as Nick Markakis. Eff me.
Matt Olson – 2-for-4 and his 6th homer, and two homers in the last three games. If he was dropped in your league, now is the time you need to grab him.
J.D. Martinez – 1-for-3, 2 runs, 2 RBIs, hitting .344. I will say this, Just Dong seems to know he’s always injured, so he gets his stats in while on the field.
Xander Bogaerts – 1-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 5th homer, hitting .306. All about that new launch angle. Dot dot dot. That has him on pace for 19 homers. Okay, okay, he was hurt at one point. Why you making excuses for him? You Scott Boras?
Elieser Hernandez – 5 IP, 1 ER, 4 baserunners, 2 Ks, ERA at 2.25. The Dodgers are promoting everyone into a top prospect. It’s like, “He’s got a 60-grade fastball, but 80-grade vs. the Dodgers.” Elieser, author of Night, has 12 IP above High-A ball, so, ooh, baby, you like it raw. His last High-A season, he had a 3.98 ERA, and the Dodgers made him look good. Oy.
Justin Bour – 1-for-3, 2 RBIs and his 9th homer, and 2nd homer in the last three games. Hot schmotato risin’, gonna keep on risin’!
Starlin Castro – 4-for-5, 1 run, 1 RBI, hitting .300. He seems like the type of player who plays well when no one is watching, right?
Walker Buehler – 5 IP, 4 ER, ERA up to 2.67. Oh, no, the Dodgers have polluted Buehler’s womb!
Yasmani Grandal – 2-for-4, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 7th homer, hitting .278. A bit unrelated, but this got me thinking, I’m not saying Austin Barnes has the curative powers of Windex, but maybe start him at 2nd base over, I don’t know, the 58-year-old Utley?
Tommy Pham – 2-for-5, 2 runs and his 8th homer, hitting .312. I was off on Pham in the preseason. I’ve seen enough now, he is a legit late-career breakout. It’s all right, I’m correct enough, occasionally I need to throw bones to the Fantasy Baseball Overlord.
Miles Mikolas – 4 2/3 IP, 2 ER, ERA at 2.63. Appizzarently, I have more faith in Mikolas than Matheny.
Carlos Martinez – Headed for another MRI on his lat strain to see if it’s healed. Reminds me the time I did an x-ray on my stomach to see if I was hungry.
Byron Buxton – 0-for-3, 1 run. Must’ve hurt Buxton’s feelings that Robbie Grossman pinch-hit for him in the 8th inning of a close game. They’ve know each other since they were child actors on the set of Richie Rich.
Logan Morrison – 2-for-3, 2 RBIs and his 5th homer, hitting .206. To say this is a hot streak is like saying Kathy Bates was a hot streak in About Schmidt.