Stan Bush? Give me that beat! You got the Tauchman! You got the power! Yeah! You’ve never walked, you’ve never run! You’re a winner! (Though some may say running and walking aren’t bad for baseball.) You got the moves, you got the streets (not as important in baseball)! Break the rules (well, Barry Bonds had some success with this)! You’re nobody’s fool! Yeah! You’re at your best when the going gets rough! (This is true since the Yanks had some injuries and needed Mike Tauchman to step up.) You’ve been put to the test, but it’s never enough! (That’s less true; we appreciate you here, Tauchman). You got the Tauchman! You got the power! It’s all true! So, Mike Tauchman (2-for-4, 2 RBIs, hitting .299) hit another home run last night, his 10th, that’s in 60 games. And he stole a bag, his 4th! He now has three homers in two games, and four homers in the last week. I grabbed him in multiple leagues, because who doesn’t love dongs! Not this redblooded American! Hoo-rah, I got the Tauch!
Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:
Psyche! Before we get into the post, fantasy football RCLs have launched. Get in now!
If you missed out on my RCL earlier don’t worry, there’s still plenty of other leagues open against other @Razzball writers. Join now for a chance to win a spot in #RazzBowl 2020, it’s FREE! https://t.co/SF1dgtZWCS
— DonkeyTeeth (@DonkeyTeeth87) August 6, 2019
DJ LeMahieu – 2-for-3 and his 18th homer, hitting .336. I can’t wait to write a schmohawk post for this guy next year. I’m sweating and it’s coming out my pores!
Didi Gregorius – 1-for-5 and his 8th homer as he hit third. You might notice that I don’t talk much about homers in Coors (aside from Torenado), since everyone hits them. I’m going to start ignoring home runs against the O’s pitching too. On next week’s podcast, I have to mention to Podcaster Ralph that he compared Asher Wojxisa^biy37ski to Charlie Morton.
Anthony Santander – 2-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 9th homer, hitting .302. I drafted Santander in one draft and hold league, because I thought he was the best guy for the O’s DH spot. It only took the O’s half a season to figure it out.
Dylan Cease – 5 IP, 2 ER, 8 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 6.00. This was against a Tigers’ offense that is, putting it mildly, terrible. Maybe it’d be better if Dawel Lugo hit last, because all’s well that ends Dawel.
Jose Abreu – 4-for-8, 3 RBIs and his 24th homer, hitting .267. Dude goes snoozy for extended periods, huh? I was like Jumpin’ Jack Flash Abreu is a blast in May/June, then I literally fell asleep while reading his name in July.
Trea Turner – 1-for-2, 2 runs and his 10th homer, hitting .285. Not complaining (am complaining), but I have everyone else to hit home runs. Steal four bags in a game, Treat Urner! Please! I can’t believe I’m near-dead last in steals in leagues where I have Turner.
Hyun-Jin Ryu – Scheduled to return to the rotation on Sunday. That’s good to know. Dot dot dot. The day after I set my weekly lineups!
Pedro Strop – Activated from the IL and could slide right back into save opportunities, since Cishek can suck-it (rhyming!) and Kintzler hit the IL.
Jon Lester – 4 IP, 10 ER, ERA at 4.46. Could it be possible that his yips with throwing to 1st base have reared their head with him throwing home?
Stephen Piscotty – 2-for-5, 2 runs, 4 RBIs and his 10th homer, hitting .247. Didn’t you retire? Piscotty doesn’t know! Piscotty doesn’t know! Okay, maybe that’s why you stopped hitting after 2018, because you don’t f**king know anything.
Dustin Garneau – 1-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 3rd homer. Dustin Garneau is one of the more heartwarming stories of the season. Justin Morneau forgot his initials and that he is a 1B vs. catcher, and he’s still hitting homers.
Zack Wheeler – 8 IP, 0 ER, 9 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA at 4.20. 2nd half Wheeler is real and he’s spectacular! Anything to the fact that his last three starts were against three of the worst hitting teams in the majors? Uh…No, shut up, Random Italicized Voice!
Pete Alonso – 1-for-3 and his 36th homer, and 2nd homer in two games. Albombso!
Wilson Ramos – 1-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 12th homer, hitting .264. Look who it is, the guy who all the Mets fans were blaming for their pitchers not doing well, who suddenly must’ve learned something when their pitchers are doing well again.
Hector Noesi – 5 IP, 5 ER, in his 1st start. This was Noesi’s 1st return to Metco since he left as Jon Niese.
Randal Grichuk – 1-for-4, 1 run and his 2nd steal. When Grichuk is stealing a bag, you’re saying d’Arnaud throws like a Frenchman. By the by, Grichuk is hitting .350 in the last week with some power. Hot schmotato alert!
Cavan Biggio – 1-for-4 and a slam (10) and legs (9), hitting .215. His average is garbage found under the seat of your daddy’s El Dorado, but prorate his stats out over 162 games and he’s a 25/20 guy. Hello, beautiful!
Austin Meadows – 3-for-5, 2 RBIs and his 19th homer, hitting .288. One more thing about Biggio, Meadows doesn’t even prorate out that well. Granted, it’s because he has more games played, but still.
Willy Adames – 1-for-3, 2 RBIs and his 15th homer. If you haven’t been paying attention, or you’re too poor to (snap!), Captain Willy Adames has five homers in the last nine games. Damn, Sizzlean that bacon is fat! (Never blurb on an empty stomach.)
Aristides Aquino – 3-for-4, 2 runs and his 2nd homer, in four games and I’m kinda annoyed I didn’t get him in any of my deeper leagues. Sure, he’s got a bigger hitch in his swing than the guy in your softball league who winds up and runs at the pitch. Yes, Aquino will strikeout a lot. How’sever, he could hit 15 homers in two months before teams catch on to not throw him a strike.
Tucker Barnhart – 2-for-3, 3 runs and his 7th and 8th homer, and three homers in three games. Fun fact! He’s not related to the porn actor, *ucker Barnhard.
Corey Dickerson – 2-for-5 and his 6th homer, and his 2nd homer in three games, and I grabbed him in a few shallower leagues. Dickerson is the type to go off for a few weeks, and the Phils have been hitting him leadoff, which we won’t talk too much about so Kapler doesn’t remember he hasn’t switched his lineup in almost three games.
David Peralta – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 10th homer, hitting .284. “When we’re at IHOP, we can just leave Peralta’s body in the booth–Whoa! Hold up! He moved!” No kidding, I think this is the 1st mention of Peralta in about two months. Where has this young man been? I said to sell him in May, and he straight-up disappeared.
German Marquez – 5 IP, 5 ER, ERA at 4.82. All season I’ve been saying I was YOLO with Marquez, meaning I’d start him anywhere. Yo YOLO, you suck!
Raimel Tapia – 1-for-3, 3 RBIs and his 8th homer, Tack fifteen post’s onto hype, baby, we’re riding again!
Yuli Gurriel – 2-for-3, 3 runs, 3 RBIs and a double slam (21, 22) and legs (4). His final tally in July: 12 HRs, .398. So far in August: 2 HRs. Lame!
Carlos Correa – 2-for-4, 2 runs, 3 RBIs and his 15th homer, and 4th homer in his ten games since his return from the IL. He’s going to be so enticing again next year. I know, I know, I KNOW! It’s easy to write him off as oft-injured, but Nelson Cruz was once considered oft-injured.
Mike Foltynewicz – 5 1/3 IP, 3 ER, 7 baserunners, 7 Ks, ERA at 6.26, but his 1st start since returning from his demotion. Can you find a more meh start than this one? I guess he got some Ks, so there’s that. It was a tough opponent (Twins), so…Meh, I don’t feel like making excuses for Faultythefuzzwitz. If you wanna risk it, be my guest, I’m not running out to own him anywhere.
Ronald Acuna Jr. – 3-for-5, 4 runs, 2 RBIs and a slam (28) and legs (26). Tildaddy says he wants to go 40/40!
Ozzie Albies – 4-for-6, 3 runs, 2 RBIs and his 11th steal, hitting .290, as he batted in the two hole. Major uptick in value if he continues to bat 2nd. Not a major boon in value for his next negotiated contract in 2046, but still.
Nelson Cruz – 4-for-5, 4 RBIs and his 31st and 32nd homer, hitting .300. That Cruz didn’t hit three home runs means he failed us. We can’t let him ever forget that. So, I printed out the team where I own Cruz on a giant heart-shaped piece of red paper and in the bottom, in very small font, I typed, “More three home run games, lover.”
Mitch Garver – 1-for-5, 2 RBIs and his 21st homer. Wasn’t Target Field where Joe Mauer used to struggle to hit four homers in a year? Would it shock you if after the season the Twins said they put in an anti-humidor? What does the anti-humidor do? It does some umbilical-in-utero shizz where it pumps juice into the ball. “I feel alive!” That’s a juiced ball.
Jose Berrios – 5 2/3 IP, 9 ER, ERA at 3.24. He gave up the 1st pitch for a home run, and then it got worse. Twins’ beat reporter says Berrios hopes to rebound in his next start. So, I guess he’s dressing up like Kareem.
Brusdar Graterol – Could be called up by the Twins to work out of the pen. He’s 20 years old and he throws 400 MPH. Prospect Mike said, “I promised myself I wouldn’t make fun of goofy names, but my gawd Brusdar Graterol sounds like the name a guy named Bruce would make up for himself while on ludes. My name? It’s Brucccdar…Grrraaaater…ol. Yeah that’s it. Brusdar Graterol. Weirdness aside, there’s some nice strikeout potential here from his double-plus fastball and above-average slider. I like him better than I like Grey.” Hey, c’mon!
Jorge Soler – 2-for-2, 4 RBIs and his 30th and 31st homer, hitting .253. He has 31 homers and hitting above .250. He’s having the season you wish you got from Khris Davis. Yet — again with some stank — YET every day people want to drop Soler, or not pick him up.
Kolby Allard – Called up to start for the Rangers on Friday. I searched Razzball for past news on Allard, and, well…Sounds like he was a possibility to get in the Braves’ rotation at one point in February. Not a ton of info. If you look at his projections (click his name, and you’re magically transported to his player page with his projections, and also earn me .0000000001 of a cent, so I can try to safeguard the site from spammers. Sorry the site has been wonky the last day, Russian bots be wanting my cheese!), those stats of his are not, how do I say, good. If a matchup is okay, I could see using the Streamonator, but Friday’s matchup is not good.
Dinelson Lamet – 7 IP, 0 ER, 6 baserunners (4 BBs), 12 Ks, ERA at 3.90. That’s one way to wax off the whack, Dinelson. You know what this means? Start everyone against the Mariners! The Mariners are fixing pitchers for free. A’la Oprah giving out free cars, “Aaron Sanchez, you get fixed! Dinelson, you get fixed! Every pitcher gets fixed!” Lamet is one of the top Streamonator picks at the end of the week, and I’d try him. I still don’t trust him in all away games.
Fernando Tatis Jr. – 1-for-4, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 20th homer, hitting .322. Next year, who do you draft first, FTJ or Benintendi? Is it close?
Tim Beckham – Suspended for 80 games for testing positive for Stanozolol. The last lol is for, “Did you not think you were going to get caught?” Never liked that movie anyway, Bend the Rules Like Beckham.
Bryan Reynolds – 1-for-4 and his 11th homer, and 2nd homer in as many games, and 4th homer in the last nine games. You could do worse than a guy hitting .335 who’s also poppin’ missiles. To give you an idea, he’s doing virtually samesies as Jeff McNeil, and we all know how much you like McNeil. You know it, don’t try to lie.
Josh Bell – Will sit out for the next two days to try to figure out why baseball makes you one of the best in the sport one month, and one of the worst in the sport the next month. Forget it, Josh, it’s baseball. As a fortune cookie once read, “If you stop overperforming, then underperforming won’t come as such a shock.”