No ham sad-wiches at this Fiers fest! Mike Fiers pitching a no-hitter with 6 Ks, ERA down to 5.48, and he only needed 131 pitches. Previously, he threw a no-hitter in 2015 when he threw 135 pitches. Man, pitchers really threw a whole lot more pitches back then in the mid-twenty-teens. Way back when we still thought Game of Thrones was a good show and not a shill for Starbucks. Way back in 2015 when we all got along outwardly and just simmered under the surface with our political differences. What a time! Of course, Mike Fiers was facing the Reds, and Fiers is red and *insert Spider-man pointing at himself jpg* and Ramon Laureano needed to rob Joey Votto of a home run, but…piece of cake. As we knew all along, there’s nothing to Fiers except Fiers himself. He was a streamer I strongly considered yesterday, because Fiers is the epitome of a Medi-OAKer pitcher, and he was at home facing a terrible team. Sadly, the one thing that puts out Fiers is when you put your stream on him. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:
Jurickson Profar – 2-for-3, 2 RBIs and his 3rd homer. Ya know, I’m not saying this is it, but he made a fantastic play in the field, then homered soon thereafter. Maybe with some confidence on defense it’s turning around Profar’s bat, literally.
Matt Olson – 0-for-3 as he was activated from the IL. Be interesting to see how much of his power is there for the first three to four months after his hamate bone injury, and by ‘interesting’ I mean I wouldn’t expect him to be anywhere near 100%.
Mac Williamson – 2-for-4, 2 runs, 4 RBIs with his 1st homer, as he was called up. In our Giants minor league preview written in 2013 by Prospect Scott Evans, he gave Williamson an ETA of 2015. Hee-larious. Scott Evans was wrong, but not about Mac Williamson; he was wrong thinking the Giants would try to get young at any point. The Giants would rather try a 47-year-old Gerardo Parra, who was fifteen years past his sell-by date, then try Mac Williamson. The Giants are the only team that could trade for a 30-year-old statue like Pillar (1-for-4, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 6th homer, hitting .197) and get younger. Williamson has been hitting homers for the Giants’ minor league system since 2012. Only now, less than 14 months from his 30th birthday, do they call him up. He’s killing the minor leagues this year, because he’s seen every minor league pitcher about twelve dozen times. He’s capable of 30 homers, so if you need power, grab him. Not if you need black power, Mac Williamson only sounds like a blaxploitation actor. Hopefully, the Giants don’t give him the Shaft.
Charlie Blackmon – 1-for-4 and his 5th homer, hitting .291. After the game, Chazz Noir reached for his full-length fur coat and Mac Williamson was like, “Yo, cuz, that’s my fox.” Awkward!
Shohei Ohtani – 0-for-4, 1 RBI as he was activated from the IL and hit 3rd. Also, being activated was Cody Allen and Zack Cozart. Mean’s while, Bourjos and Stratton were DFA’d and Rengifo was optioned and Ausmus stuck his hand under his armpit and made farting news while using Hansel Robles (1 IP, 0 ER, 3rd save) to close the game. You are now up to date!
Griffin Canning – 5 1/3 IP, 2 ER, 5 baserunners, 7 Ks, ERA at 4.66. He had 18 swinging strikes in 86 pitches. More like schwinging strikes, amiright?! 12 of them came on his slider. *puts handkerchief to forehead, falls into Giancarlo Fathead wall mount* Giancarlo, you always catch me when my estrogen falls too low. Canning will have problems going deep into games — because of all dem Ks, yummers! — but he looks as good as all these other young sexy starters who are better than those old, been-around-the-block starters your leaguemates are trotting out there.
Carter Kieboom – Was demoted back to the minors. Sucks if you spent a lot on him in FAAB. We should have a glossary term for overspending in FAAB. Please suggest in the comments. Do not make the term anything to do with Kieboom, Kiebust or anything to do with one player.
Anthony Rendon – 0-for-3 as he was activated from the IL. Kevin from ESPN’s “Get Him In Your Lineup” Department said, “After much soul-searching and tolerance training, I’ve come to realize I can’t wear pants in public.”
Trea Turner – Took some batting practice. *kneels in front of candelabra made of Giancarlo bobbleheads* Please, Candela-bro, make Turner return within a week.
Freddy Peralta – 5 IP, 0 ER, 5 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA at 6.75, as he was used after an Opener. I kinda love Peralta in this role. Bring him in a low stress situation and just let him throw, until he can’t anymore. Gonna definitely cyclops him for the next time he’s due to follow an Opener.
Dakota Hudson – 5 IP, 2 ER, 6 unearned runs, 10 baserunners, 3 Ks, ERA at 4.63. When the Regression Fairies show up but they’re unearned runs, it’s like you show up in hell for murder and the devil’s like, “Honestly, your victim was kind of an asshole.” As for Dakota, three days in a row now I’ve received NL-Only notifications to my email that someone was dropped mid-game. Speaking of notifications, I shut off my phone notifications about nine months ago, and have never been happier. Then, at some point yesterday, I received a notification, and I thought it snuck through. Then, they started filing through one after another. Seems like the iPhone update shut off my no notifications status. Yuck. How does anyone get anything done with notifications on their phone? Seriously, I feel like it’s someone whispering in my ear non-stop to procrastinate. This was a shaggy dog story about iPhone settings? P to the erhaps.
David Robertson – Will begin throwing this week and might return early-June, then be named closer mid-June, then be named setup man late-June, then work the 7th inning of a blowout on July 5th. I’m sorry, I paid for this fifteen-minute call to the Psychic Friends Network and I’m gonna use my time.
Aaron Nola – 6 IP, 1 ER, 4 baserunners, 7 Ks, ERA at 4.57. Hard to know if he’s corrected himself or the Phils’ early lead propelled him and deflated the Cards. Either way, obviously a step in a better direction.
Bryce Harper – 2-for-3, 2 runs, 4 RBIs and his 7th homer, hitting .236. Harper’s terrible plate discipline from last year? It’s become worse. His walk rate is down; his weak contact is up; he’s not hitting for a good average and has neutral luck; semi-colons are fun. I thought Harper would make improvements on last year back to his previous years, but bad habits are getting worse.
Rhys Hoskins – 4-for-5, 3 runs, and his 11th homer, hitting .302. Prolly confirmation bias talking or some other Psych 101 term, but it was so obvious Hoskins was headed for a huge season this year. Truly annoyed I don’t own him anywhere.
Max Fried – 1 IP, 4 ER, ERA at 2.97, and left after taking a comebacker off his hand. Sigh. We can’t have anything nice, can we?
Justin Turner – 4-for-5, 6 RBIs and his 2nd, 3rd and 4th homers, hitting .302. He would have to come out of his funk right when I have my Fried facing him. Stupid, Max, you should pronounce it fried like shizz is too hot to handle, and not freed like the gee-dee balls! Beginning to think Justin Turner is like a redheaded Matt Carpenter. Absolutely awful for a months (or years as was the case on the Mets), then he’s a house (and beard) of fire for a few months. Could be in for a fun ride, Turner owners. Shame I didn’t even get to call him a sell on Friday. Wait, I think Anime Grey did. Nice!
Hyun-Jin Ryu – 9 IP, 0 ER, 4 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA at 2.03. Please, someone put a plastic bubble around his groin so he stays healthy. Where’s Howie Mandel? Can he blow up a condom for Ryu?
Noah Syndergaard – 6 IP, 4 ER, 10 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA at 5.14. Buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-BUT I thought he was fixed after his last game.
Ty France – 2-for-3, 2 RBIs and his 1st homer. For France, that’s as good as it baguettes! I’m torn between thinking he’s a Quad-A player, and someone with power for deeper leagues. Won’t hurt to try him in those deeper leagues.
Hunter Renfroe – 2-for-4, 1 run, 1 RBI and his 2nd steal. Not sure how he got one steal let alone two, but he’s still hot schmotato’ing.
Collin McHugh – 3 IP, 8 ER, ERA at 6.37. McH-Ugh. How about all those tasty pitches he learned last year in middle relief translating back to the rotation? Fantastic. If I owned him, I’d look elsewhere.
Whit Merrifield – 4-for-5, 3 runs, 5 RBIs and a slam (6) and legs (7), and a double short of a cycle, hitting .299. I whiffed on Whit this preseason. Was expecting him to go backwards, but he’s apparently a shark.
Jorge Soler – 2-for-4, 2 runs and his 9th homer, hitting .261. Barring injury, you know what kind of year Soler’s headed for? 2018 Piscotty.
Ryan O’Hearn – 1-for-4, 2 runs, 4 RBIs and his 4th homer, hitting .202, but hitting close to .400 in the last week. Hot schmotato alert!
Jon Lester – 6 IP, 0 ER, 8 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 1.41 vs. Caleb Smith – 6 2/3 IP, 2 ER, 8 baserunners, 11 Ks, ERA at 2.11. Since I started both guys in one league, and Smith in multiple leagues, I watched the majority of this game. Huge strike zone, but Smith is as nasty as his line consistently is. No one is touching Paddack right now for late-round pitchers who are paying huge dividends, but Smith’s stuff looks pretty close to as filthy. By the by, I picked up Lester off waivers in my RCL, which is a head-scratcher at best. I get the wont to stream, but look at Lester’s ERA and peripherals. I don’t know who did it, but it’s over-managing when you’re dropping starters with a sub-2 ERA.
Kris Bryant – 2-for-5, 2 runs, 3 RBIs and his 6th homer, and 3rd homer in as many games. Reverse sell jinx is alive and well. Goes to show you, your dad was right — badger and mock someone long enough and they’ll come around! Since I own him, I’d like nothing more for Bryant to be 100% healthy and hitting like it. Here’s to him making faint memories of his April.
Mitch Moreland – 1-for-5, 3 RBIs and his 10th homer, and third homer this week, hitting .215. Been miserable outside of home runs, but at least he’s hitting home runs, right, Jackie Bradley Jr. (0-for-2, hitting .147)? Is anyone hitting worse than JBJ? Okay, maybe Vlad Jr.
J.D. Martinez – 1-for-2, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 5th homer, hitting .323. All Just Dong does is. Dot dot dot. Well, five homers isn’t that many, tee bee aitch.
Xander Bogaerts – 1-for-5 and his 7th homer, hitting .254. You ever have a player on one team that’s doing poorly and don’t him anywhere else so you kinda hope he does poorly even though you own him? That’s where I’m at with Bogaerts, because I only have him in NFBC, and that team *holds nose*
Ryan Brasier – 2/3 IP, 2 ER, ERA at 3.68, as he entered the 8th inning. Mean’s while, Matt Barnes got the save (1 1/3 IP, 0 ER, ERA at 1.88). For selfish reasons, I want Barnes to close. For non-selfish reasons, I think Brasier will still get saves. For shellfish reasons, I’d own both in a pinch.
Gregory Polanco – 2-for-4, 2 RBIs and a slam (1) and legs (1), hitting .273. Brocktune! If you get the Brocktune reference, you’re part of a very exclusive fan club.
Masahiro Tanaka – 6 1/3 IP, 2 ER, 7 baserunners, 4 Ks, ERA at 3.77. If Tanaka holds his end of the bargain that he’s a lights-out, filthy AF 2nd half pitcher, he could be headed for his best season ever.
Jay Bruce – 3-for-4, 1 run, 1 RBI, hitting .196. Coming into this game, Bruce had 19 total hits and 11 had gone for homers. Yesterday, he had three measly hits. Someone’s an anti-vaxxer.
Jose Berrios – 7 IP, 0 ER, 4 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA at 2.53. About to institute a strict only-draft-starters-under-the-age-of-26 rule. Sure, you might miss out on Verlander and Scherzer-types, but that’s fine with me.
Mitch Garver – 3-for-3, 2 RBIs and his 7th homer. Mitch don’t kill my vibe! Not as in a command telling Mitch to withhold his buzzkilling, but saying as a celebration that Mitch does not, in fact, kill my vibe.
Aaron Sanchez – 7 IP, 3 ER, 9 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 3.21. At some point, the Regression Fairies are going to do Sanchez dirty.
Lucas Giolito – 7 1/3 IP, 0 ER, 6 baserunners, 8 Ks, ERA at 4.06. In an AL-Only league, I’d be on Giolito like clams on a casino, but life is so damn short, which isn’t just what a shirt reads that I send Altuve every Christmas. His peripherals do say Giolito appears to be real (11 K/9, 4.4 BB/9, 3.68 xFIP), but those walks are going to bite him against some teams in a miserable way.
Corey Kluber – Told reporters, “I don’t have a plan not to pitch again,” then, when asked to say it again without a double negative he said, “Yes, I will pitch again, for sure.” Then when asked to do it again without a double positive, he said, “Huh?” The timetables (not times tables, put away your calculator) are now saying Kluber might not return until August, and, if the Indians are as bad as they look now in August, Kluber may only get a handful of starts, or none at all. It ain’t ideal.
Jefry Rodriguez – 6 IP, 2 ER, 10 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 2.41. His K/9 is 5.8 and his BB/9 is 2.4. *insert Grey cackle*
Jace Fry – 1/2 IP, 0 ER, ERA at 5.54. Pitching in this game was Jefry and J. Fry. They are also top picks in a game of Hot Potato.