If I didn’t wear cowboy boots to the community pool. If I didn’t ooze machismo like I’m Fonzie and John Wayne’s baby which they had during the intermission of The Good, the Bad, and the Ugly. If I weren’t such a gee-dee man’s man — exclamation mark, exclamation mark, exclamation mark — I’d el oh el right now like a 13-year-old girl. Perfect through six and two-thirds (final line: 7 2/3 IP, 1 ER, 2 baserunners (0 BBs), 11 Ks, ERA at 3.97) from a guy that has caused more ulcers than your wife’s best friend’s bright idea to videotape your wife’s bachelorette party. She cheated on you, doode, and he was hung like Carlos Lee. Michael Pineda, why do you cause such ulcers, I ask like I’m at Ellis Island in 1931. I also have the scurvy, as I continue for no apparent reason. Okay, seriously, I don’t know what to make of Michael Pineda. He has the stuff, as George Carlin once said, to be a 2.50 ERA pitcher with 220 Ks. He could also have a 5.50 ERA and be sent down by July. If someone tells you they know which one he’ll be, they’re lying. Would I own him? Sure. Would I always enjoy it? C’mon, man, pay attention! Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:
Gary Sanchez – Will miss at least a month after being diagnosed with a Grade 1 strain of the muscle behind the biceps. In layman’s terms, it’s the muscle behind the muscle. Sanchez says he’s unable to raise his arm. As you can imagine, that’s not good for baseball or being counted as present.
Aaron Judge – 2-for-4 and his 2nd homer, and 2nd in as many games. At least someone who looks like Giancarlo is hitting.
Brett Gardner – 1-for-5, 2 runs and two steals (4, 5). He has five steals in the first seven games? Damn, he’s on pace for: Rickey Henderson.
Starlin Castro – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 1st homer, hitting .310. If I may make a suggestion, put Judge in five hole, Castro in the seven and do whatever you want with Headley, Romine and Torre’s Eyes. Oops, I just kinda fixed the Yankees’ lineup.
Alex Cobb – 7 1/3 IP, 4 ER, 7 baserunners, 7 Ks. He looked solid through seven innings, then was inexplicably thrown for another inning, which jacked up his WHIP and ERA. One day they will eliminate all managers and we will have complete chaos and bliss.
Logan Morrison – 1-for-3 and his 2nd homer. Pulled back into a tie with Mike Trout for 3rd on the season home run leaderboard. He’s tied with 137 other players. You people — yeah, you people! — realize you’re ruining your teams by overreacting to a week’s worth of games, right?
Sean Doolittle – 1 IP, 0 ER, 2 baserunners and the save as Santiago Casilla (1 IP, 0 ER, 3 Ks) pitched the 8th inning. Mean’s while, Ryan Madson pitched a rom-com to some studio execs and Ryan Dull pitched a tent. Likely, all roles will be reversed again tomorrow.
Jharel Cotton – 7 IP, 0 ER, 5 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 3.97. Khris Davis (1-for-4, 2 RBIs, 4th homer) said of Cotton, “An all-around stud out there.” Cotton said to Davis, “Aw, c’mon,” then they hugged for a long time until people looked away awkwardly. I’m willing to go in on Cotton for mixed leagues, but I’m legit on the fence with him. Thinking a number four fantasy starter, with three upside. Just don’t see the 8.5 K/9 or more coming.
David Price – Threw a bullpen session. He could ramp up things soon, then go on a minor league assignment, have a setback, get shutdown, ramp things again, go on a minor league assignment again… You get where this is going.
Jackie Bradley Jr. – Hit the DL with a hyperextended knee. That never was a problem for Inspector Gadget.
Mitch Moreland – 3-for-4, 1 run, hitting .333 as he continues to hit cleanup. No joshing, we’re gonna look up in August and be like, “Damn, Moreland has been real valuable this year.”
Justin Upton – Sat out yesterday with back tightness. He added to his fantasy owners, “You really don’t want me until a six-week stretch in August/September anyway.”
Ian Kinsler – 1-for-3 and his 2nd homer. In honor of Passover, Kinsler and Ausmus celebrated in the dugout with a well-choreographed high five that involved miming a dreidel spin and yelling “Matzah” like it was Yahtzee.
Wil Myers – 4-for-4, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 3rd homer as he hit for the 2nd cycle in Padres’ history, both came in Coors, a park that has more than double the cycles as any other park since it opened. Damn, should’ve went with Myers over Abreu in every freakin’ league I took Abreu, and it was a lot of them. The insane thing, Myers was a top 20 player last year for all of fantasy, has a great pedigree and still somehow was ranked way too low this preseason, and, dah, I’m beating myself up about this, when I should be beating myself off to it. I just punched myself in the face.
Hunter Renfroe – 2-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 2nd homer, hitting .281. I love that Renfroe is hitting two hundred points better than Buxton. I so love that. *arranges tacks on desk, slams head onto desk*
Mark Reynolds – 1-for-3, 2 RBIs and his 4th homer. I told you to pick him up the first day of the season. Y’all have the reaction time of De Niro in Awakenings.
Alex Wood – 3 2/3 IP, 1 ER vs. the Cubs. Like a man who is weaning himself off Viagra, an admirable start for Wood, just a bit of a limp ending. The Stream-o-Nator loves his next start, but he’s just not stretched out enough.
Tyler Glasnow – 1 2/3 IP, 5 ER. What do I want in my eye and when do I want it? GLASNOW!
Brandon Finnegan – 2 IP, 1 ER, 9 baserunners (5 BBs). Ten walks from the two starters in this game. Was the wind blowing sideways? Well, everything nice I say on the podcast that’s coming later today about Finnegan, write me off as a crackpot, Finnegan truther. Kidding aside (were we kidding?), I still want to see more of Finnegan, but obviously the wheels came off the wagon wheel coffee table, and that is the ugliest coffee table I’ve ever seen.
Billy Hamilton – 3-for-5, 2 runs and two steals (3, 4). In this game, Cervelli allowed five steals, but he’s not known for his arm. Or his bat. Your league have a pitch-framing category?
James Paxton – 7 IP, 0 ER, 6 baserunners, 8 Ks, ERA at 0.00. It’s also 0.0000 and 0.00000 and 0.000000 and 0.0000000000 and–Okay, I could go on all day! I loved Paxton in the preseason, not a whole lot has changed except maybe his price is going up.
Jean Segura – Left yesterday’s game with a mildly strained hamstring. *runs to waiver wire to pickup Ketel Marte, realizes Marte is now on Diamondbacks, looks at Mariners’ depth chart, sees Taylor Motter is shortstop fill-in, slowly walks back whistling, shutting the waiver wire window*
Charlie Morton – 5 IP, 3 ER, 9 baserunners, 6 Ks. JB brought up an interesting thing on the podcast — you’ll have to wait to hear it — muahahahahahaha! Kidding, he brought it up supposedly on the last three podcasts, but I wasn’t paying attention. Major League Baseball is measuring velocity differently this year. They’re picking up the ball when it first leaves the pitchers’ hand, so all of these velocity spikes we’re seeing, may not be the velocity spikes we’re really seeing. As for Morton, he is throwing faster, but maybe not 98 MPH. Either way, the results aren’t getting me that jazzed in mixed leagues yet.
Taijuan Walker – 5 IP, 2 ER, 9 baserunners (4 BBs), 2 Ks, ERA at 4.91. He’s a broken record and not a good record like La Bamba. About to start looking elsewhere on him, and come back only if he shows an actual glimmer of his promise.
Yasmany Tomas – 1-for-4 and his 1st homer, hitting .333. We should have a nickname for him. I’m open to suggestions but with ‘many’ and ‘mas’ both in his name, I’m thinking of just shouting “Plus One,” whenever he hits a homer. Basically, I want to get to the point where I can just yell catchphrases for the whole Diamondbacks team. Au Shizz! He’s a baaaaaaaahd man! Plus One!
After Buster Posey’s beaning, MLB just announced there will no longer be pitchers.
— Razzball (@Razzball) April 10, 2017
Matt Moore – 8 IP, 1 ER, 3 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA at 2.70. Did I ever tell you about the pitcher who was kinda mediocre but was traded to an NL West team? It’s a shaggy dog story that involves Matt Moore, Cueto and frustration over Samardzija.
Trea Turner – Hit the DL with a hamstring strain. Ugh, weekly lineups and Dusty just don’t coalesce, do they? Yeah, I fell for the ol’ banana in the ol’ tailpipe and started Turner after Dusty said on Sunday he’d be back in there. I blame no one but myself. “Best believe that.” That’s Dusty toothpick standing up for the mouth that brought it so much recognition.
Tanner Roark – 5 IP, 3 ER, 7 baserunners, 3 Ks, ERA at 4.09 vs. Adam Wainwright 4 IP, 5 ER, ERA at 7.00 – Not a fan of either of these guys in mixed leagues, Stream-o-Nator didn’t like either yesterday, though I did back up into owning Roark in one league because it was an auction and thought someone else would go one dollar higher and this is the most interesting story ever.
Ryan Zimmerman – 3-for-4, 2 runs and his 1st steal, hitting .400. Hot schmotato alert!
Bryce Harper – 4-for-4, 3 runs, 3 RBIs, hitting .385. Member how you didn’t feel that great about drafting Harper 8th overall in March? Yup.
Stephen Drew – 3-for-4, 3 runs, 4 RBIs as he fills in for Trea. Might be something here in deep leagues, but in shallower leagues, Drew reminds me of The Leftovers’ theme song, Let the Mystery Be.
David Wright – Resumed throwing. Instead, he should add his broadcasting skills to his resume, because that’s where he’s headed.
Jay Bruce – 2-for-3, 3 runs, 3 RBIs and his 3rd and 4th homers, and 2nd in as many games. At least Conforto knows who he has to give the evil eye to. Granderson, you’re getting the malocchio, you stunod!
Joaquin Benoit – Named the new Phils closer. Not entirely surprised they passed over Hector Neris. This is, after all, the team that passed over anyone decent for Jeanmar Gomez for 14 months. My guess is unless Benoit becomes “Been bad” he’s going to have the job all year. Phils’ manager, Pete Macktheknife, loves him some grizzled vet. “Give me Benoit, and leave the grizzle on it!” That’s Macktheknife.