MLB Games Sentenced To PPD By 12 Angry (For Getting COVID-19) Men

Live for today. That’s what they tell me. “They” are BASE jumpers, so I’m not listening to them, which is why I’m living in a bubble with the NBA players. “Hey, LeBron, where can I get some bubble tea?” “Ah, man, I hear ya, players be gossiping like crazy.” “What are you talking about? I want boba.” So, the Marlins vs. Orioles and Yankees vs. Phils had to be canceled due to an outbreak within the Marlins’ clubhouse. The Marlins couldn’t play back in Florida vs. the O’s, and might’ve infected the Phils’ visiting clubhouse, so the Yankees weren’t going in there. All in all, a totally well-functioning pandemic. By which I mean, it’s terrible for us, but this virus is doing well for itself. “Manfred, man” hasn’t been uttered so much since “Blinded By The Light” was a hit in the 70’s. Now PPD stands for Pandemic Please Desist. Right now, the MLB is waging an age-old war:  Everyone’s safety vs. Capitalism. Not to impersonate the Garbage Pail Kid, Nihilistic Ned, but capitalism usually wins that. Of course, don’t misunderstand my glibness for not caring (that sounds like a Common lyric); I’m just trying to be real with you. As for fantasy, I moved all Marlins, Orioles, Yankees and Phils out of my lineups until further notice, and tried to bench all Marlins in my weekly leagues. As they say, WHEEEE!!! Again, “they” are BASE jumpers. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Shohei Ohtani – 0-for-4 as he DH’d. It’s encouraging that he’s hitting the day after pitching, but maybe because he didn’t record one out while pitching, and felt like he wanted to contribute an out or four.

Griffin Canning – 4 2/3 IP, 3 ER, 6 baserunners, 7 Ks. Haven’t liked Canning since he was dealing with injury concerns in the 1st Spring Training, so I’m not jumping in on him, but he didn’t look as bad as the line indicates. All Canning can do is laugh, as he was beat by Canha.

Chris Bassitt – 4 IP, 0 ER, as he went 66 pitches. Love me some Bassitt, and am hoping he can go more innings next time. C’mon, Bassitt, I need you to sniff at least 85 *itches.

Kyle Tucker – 0-for-3, 2 runs and his 1st steal. Glad to see Tucker play. I was going to suggest him and Garrett Hampson start their own team. They’d have more players than the Marlins.

Alex Bregman – 1-for-3, 2 runs, 3 RBIs and his 1st homer. Jose Altuve (2-for-4, 2 runs, 2 RBIs) also hit his 1st homer. After the game, a garbage can dressed as a cutout fan snuck out a side door.

Roberto Osuna – 1 IP, 0 ER and the save. Pressly’s saves have left the building.

Evan White – 2-for-5, 2 RBIs and his 1st homer. He hit a bomb like one of Princess Di’s Corgis, but let’s not forget who made your team popular, White. It was Sweet Lew, who had a two-hit night, because he’s Sweet and he’s Lew.

Gregory Polanco – 0-for-3 as he returned from the IL. It is really all over the place how long guys with Covid are out. Feels like Polanco was out just over a week. Yes, I’m saying this to put this into the universe for Juan Soto.

Colin Moran – 2-for-4 and his 2nd and 3rd homer, and three homers in two games andHot schmotato alert!

Adrian Houser – 5 IP, 1 ER, 1 hit, 3 walks, 4 Ks. Feels silly to say so early that you don’t need to draft top pitching, just like I always tell you, but there is no early this year, so it’s fine. How ya think my staffs of Houser, Paddack, Bauer, and Lynn are doing? Still think I needed Verlander? Scherzer? Snell? Strasburg? I swear, people forget this nonsense the moment the season ends.

Corey Kluber – Out for four weeks with a Grade 2 strain of his teres major muscle. Won’t say I told you so, but *opens trench coat, written on chest it reads, “I told you so”* You can lose Kluber in most leagues, since he likely won’t be back this year, even if four weeks puts him on target for around September 1st. Replacing him in the rotation is Kolby M. Allard. What the duck!

Michael Fulmer – 2 2/3 IP, 4 ER. Fulmer was supposed to go one inning. Who is the worst manager and why isn’t it Matheny?

Victor Reyes – 2-for-4, 2 runs, 2 RBIs, and his 1st homer, and stole a base the game before. I’m between Reyes being a hot schmotato or a cyclops with a monocle. Like a teamster smoking a cigarette, I’m leaning on the latter, but I’m intrigued, y’all!

JaCoby Jones – 2-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 2nd homer. Why do I feel like no matter what I say about Tigers hitters you’ll never pick them up? Nod if so, and shake your head if no. Was that a nod or a shake? I ask because I can’t see you.

Maikel Franco – 3-for-5, 4 RBIs and his 1st and 2nd homer. He took Fulmer and Burrows deep, but didn’t touch Funkhouser, so my enthusiasm is curbed.

Whit Merrifield – 3-for-5, 3 runs, 3 RBIs and his 1st homer. To Whit, a home run.

Trent Grisham – 1-for-4 and his 1st homer. My love for Grisham is no mystery.

Joey Lucchesi – 3 2/3 IP, 2 ER, 2 Ks. What a garbage start from Joey Lucchesi of the Pasta Fagioli Crime Family.

Luke Weaver – 3 1/3 IP, 6 ER. Hey, Lucchesi, I see your garbage, and raise you a turd.

Tyler Glasnow – 4 IP, 1 ER, 3 baserunners, 9 Ks. He went K-Put, but looked great. Something Podcast Ralph and I discuss on today’s show coming later today is how an under-told story of the early going is Covid isn’t the only thing stopping players. Having little time to get ready for the season is also an issue, and we seeing it with a lot of 4-5 IP starts.

Hunter Renfroe – 3-for-5, 4 RBIs and his 1st and 2nd homer. Renfroe! Or as Scooby Doo would say, “Renfroe!” He would also say hot schmotato, if he was available in your league.

Mike Zunino – 1-for-2, 2 runs and his 1st homer. Who’s Zunino’ing who?!

Jose Martinez – 2-for-4, 2 runs, 3 RBIs and his 1st homer. Finally, Jose Martinez found a league with the DH! Oh, wait.

Mike Foltynewicz – 3 1/3 IP, 6 ER, and he was DFA’d. You know your team has some staff depth when you’re DFA’ing someone in a pandemic. I really like Kyle Wright, and, as the Braves’ 5th starter, this gives him a little more breathing room. Might mean Jhoulys Chacin, Josh Tomlin or Touki Toussaint get some looks.

Dansby Swanson – 1-for-3 and his 2nd homer. He was a sleeper back in…December? Maybe, I don’t remember, if being honest. But I loved him all draft season. All 10 months of it. He was such great value.

Jon Lester – 5 IP, 0 hits, 1 walk, 1 K. Zero hits and one K is called the Circle K, as in OK.

Anthony Rizzo – 1-for-2, 3 runs and his 3rd homer. HR to the Izzo!

Craig Kimbrel – 1/3 IP, 2 ER, 4 walks. Solid Hold, huh? Kimbrel’s been broke for years. Not sure what happened to him, but he’s been bad for two years. He thought shaving his beard would make a difference. Guess what, Kimbs? It’s The Art of Shaving, not Saving. Jeremy Jeffress bailed him out for the save yesterday, and I’m sure David Ross will try Kimbrel again, but I can’t guarantee the outcome will be better.

Nate Pearson – Jays plan on starting Pearson on Wednesday in Washington. As John Wayne once said to a mechanical horse in front of grocery store, giddy up! I’ve already given you a Nate Pearson sleeper from during the shutdown, and have mentioned him in two straight Buy columns, and what you waiting for?

Ken Giles – Hit the IL with elbow soreness. Sounds like he might be done for the year, but we (I) don’t know yet, so you can hold for final word. His replacement is Anthony Bass. “The talking fish on my office wall?” That’s you being confused.

Danny Jansen – 2-for-4 and his 1st homer. Goodbye (insert catcher name I own), and hello, Danny Jansen!

Teoscar Hernandez – 2-for-5 and his 1st and 2nd homer. If I told you anymore how much I liked Teoscar I’d win an Oscar for Liking Teoscar.

Rowdy Tellez – 1-for-3 and his 1st homer. Is it me or do you see his last name and start singing Billy Joel, “Tellez, about it, Tellez everything you feel?” Okay, maybe it’s me.

Reynaldo Lopez – Hit the IL with a shoulder strain. In a far off galaxy, Rey-Lo is fan art of Rey and Kylo Ren. In this galaxy, he’s droppable.

Michael Wacha – 5 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 4 Ks. Streamonator hated this start, and his next one, and I agree with SON, even if this start was good. Ain’t got the pants nuggets to be starting Wacha.

Pete Alonso – 1-for-5, 2 RBIs and his 1st homer. Albombso!

Michael Conforto – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 1st homer. Excellent, but, wow, the Red Sox pitching is some sad sauce.

Mitch Moreland – 2-for-4 and his 2nd homer. Mitch don’t kill my vibe!

Xander Bogaerts – 1-for-4 and his 1st homer. Ony half as many homers as Moreland. Welp, it’s still early. Tricked ya! There is no early this year! Get your head out of your tuhkis! Sounds like Jackie Mason is guest-blogging.

Josh Osich – 2 IP, 2 ER. Nice starter, Red Sox! Following him in the game was Jeffrey Springs. Who? Beats me. In the box score, it said Osich Springs and it sounds like a resort in Arkansas. “People get to second base with their cousin at Osich Springs!” Unfortunately for the Red Sox, the Mets got a lot farther.