Manny Machado‘s epitaph:  He always found more success throwing a bat at a ball.  Better than Salvador Perez’s:  Together again!  Machado wasn’t just struggling, he was like that friend of yours that not only is having a rotten time at a party, but also sucks the prettiest girls in the room into his sad funk of despair and before long, the girls are like, “I don’t want to go out and get drunk and party and potentially hook up with you.  Your friend Manny Machado is too depressed.”  The buzz kill friend.  Yesterday, Machado went 5-for-6, 2 runs, 2 RBIs with his 8th homer, and fourth homer in his last seven games (skipping the suspension games).  About time he listened to your advice, did a body shot off the tummy of the girl that wants to be a physical therapist and cheered up!  I don’t own Machado anywhere this year, due to the knee issue coming into the season, but he just turned 22 years old (almost literally; his birthday was Sunday) and I’ll be all over Machado again next year.  Of course, if you can acquire him in a trade this year, by all means, which sounds like it was said by Malcolm X’s less militant brother, Bobby X.  Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Chris Dickerson – Traded to the Indians.  Damn, that news alert was like trying to trade Ryan Braun, the reliever, for Puig.  For a millisecond, I thought Corey Dickerson got traded somewhere he would actually play.  Instead, this is Chris.  You know a guy has been traded a lot when the club they are leaving isn’t even the team cap they are wearing in pictures on their player page.  Maybe for old time’s sake, the Indians will trade for Chris Heisey and him and Dickerson can platoon.

Justin Masterson – 2 IP, 5 ER.  Shizz is painful to watch.   Send him to the Disgraceful List already.  Seriously.  No foolsies.

Michael Bourn – Out for a month with a hamstring strain.  Since he’s been battling this from last year, I’m guessing he’s likely going to be useless all this year too.  Too bad Bourn can’t give his hamstring amnesia.

Carlos Beltran – Didn’t start yesterday due to a swollen knee.  I remember in the 90’s when being swole was a good thing.  Beltran remembers.

Shane Greene – 6 IP, 2 ER, 4 baserunners, 2 Ks.  I’ll cop to seeing the box score for this game, and seeing S. Greene and thinking, “Shecky Greene pitched for the Yankees?”

Brian McCann – 3-for-5, 2 runs.  You know your offense is a mess when the catcher, who is hitting .230, DHs.  That’s all I’m going to say on that.

Brett Gardner – 3-for-5, 1 RBI.  Is it weird that while I was writing Gardner’s name I started hearing Klymaxx’s I Miss You?  The video for that is when videos were videos and love meant something.  I particularly enjoy when the family shows up.  “Hey, what’s going on, mom?”  “Nothing, honey child, just came to watch my baby make a video.”  And tell me that doesn’t look like Cutty from The Wire at 2:05.  Yes, I dissected the Klymaxx video; leave me alone.

James Shields – 7 IP, 0 ER, 4 baserunners, 10 Ks.  Guess a visit to the Rays cured whatever was ailing him.  Good news if you held him during his bout of miserablitis, and great news if you picked him up off waivers from someone else who couldn’t take the heat.  Now get yo’ hindquarters out of the kitchen!  Sorry, for someone reason I just became Florida Evans.

Lorenzo Cain – 2-for-5, 1 run and 2 steals, and three steals in three games.  Cain…Sugar! now has four straight games with a hit and has been leading off.  I love to bedizen (Word of the Day!) my fantasy team with power/speed guys and Cain’s giving me the speed I so desperately need as I try to fend off Rudy and his Dee Gordon/Altuve slap n’ dash middle infield.

Alex Gordon – 3-for-5, 1 run, 2 RBIs  His day off on Sunday worked out splendidly.  Maybe he can take off Tuesday through Friday and hit a freakin’ homer on Saturday.  Do we dream in color, Ned Yost?  Do we?

Omar Infante – 3-for-5, 2 RBIs.  It’s not HBO, it’s Hispanic Baby Omar.

Eric Hosmer – 2-for-5, 2 runs, 1 RBI.  Conspiracy Theory Alert!  In the offseason, the Royals moved their fences back 800 feet.

Jeremy Hellickson – Will make his season debut today vs. the Royals.  Hellickson hasn’t been good in two years, had a 7+ ERA in the minors leagues this year as he rehabbed and I wouldn’t own Hellickson with your team.

Jake Odorizzi – 6 IP, 2 ER, 8 baserunners, 8 Ks.  I’ve said this before, but it bears repeating, or bares, if you’re a naturist.  Odorizzi seems like he gets positive mentions from me twice a week, yet his ERA is still only 4.10.  This is obviously due to an April ERA of 6.85, and a solid ERA the rest of the way. (Okay, so I didn’t actually calculate his ‘ERA the rest of the way,’ but I’m sure it’s better than 6.85.  Don’t have to be a rocket surgeon to figure that one.)

Chris Tillman – 7 IP, 2 ER, 6 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA down to 4.11.  Funny, his ERA is virtually the same as Odorizzi yet I wouldn’t want anything to do with Tillman, but I like Odorizzi.  Granted, that’s only funny to a handful of people in the Czech Republic.  What, I’ve been checking my Google Analytics.  Hey, Andrej!

Nelson Cruz – 3-for-5, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 28th homer.  You win, Cruz, all your power belong to you.

J.J. Hardy – 1-for-5 and his 3rd homer.  I’ve only said this about 500 times (maybe three times), but there’s still a lot of homers left in his bat if you can get him.

Chris Davis – 1-for-5, 2 RBIs and his 14th homer.  See what I said 1/8th of an inch above for Hardy.  If you’re trying to impress a girl, it’s really five inches above.

Stephen Strasburg – 7 IP, 2 ER, 4 baserunners, 9 Ks, ERA down to 3.47.  On the bright side for his H2H owners, you still haven’t seen his best work.  On the down side, hopefully you get to the H2H playoffs.  On the it doesn’t matter either way side, Strasburg’s not the reason you’re winning or losing, but could be the reason you’re winning soon.  Soon, my pretty!

Cliff Lee – Threw two innings in rehab and told reporters he felt fine.  No word on whether he spelled fine out — F-I-N-E — like he was macking on a girl at a club.

Joey Votto – Awaiting results of his…cat scan?  X-rays?  Cavity search?  How many tests does this guy need?  Can’t they put him on the DL and figure out what’s wrong with him later?

Jay Bruce – 2-for-4, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 9th homer and 2nd in as many games as he played 1st base.  It only took half a season, but it looks like he’s finally hot.  Just our luck, he’ll prolly cool off over the All-Star break.

Billy Hamilton – 2-for-4, 1 run, 4 RBIs.  If he were on the Braves, he’d be batting cleanup tomorrow.  Actually, probably ninth behind Justin Upton.

Mike Leake – 7 IP, 2 ER, 10 baserunners, 7 Ks.  Only really pitched poorly last time out vs. the Padres because I streamed him.  *puts on sexy bear costume, gets in horny bear cage*  Stream-o-Nator doesn’t love his next start, though I’m not exactly sure why.  Seriously, I have no idea and usually I can figure it out.  /mind boggled.

Chris Coghlan – 4-for-5, 2 runs and his 3rd steal.  He’s hitting near-.400 in the last week and playing every day.  It’s really incentivising the Cubs players seeing their bids go up on eBay.  I think the Yankees bid on Coghlan right before his last hit.

Justin Ruggiano – 2-for-5.  Still hot.  Still schmotato.

Jhoulys Chacin – Shutdown for 4 to 6 weeks.  On a related note, my dog, Ted, is always running after his leash and I’m like, “Stop Jhoulys Chacin!”

Ian Kennedy – 7 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 9 Ks.  Sky brought up an interesting tidbit yesterday about how the first game coming into Coors is always an offensive dud.  Of course, he mentioned it in relation to the Rockies pitcher who got pounded, but ya know.

Chase Headley – 4-for-5, 2 runs, 2 RBIs.  It’s fun to see what mediocre players would look like if they called Coors home, isn’t it?

Alexi Amarista – 1-for-3, 2 steals.  EverCab who?!  The crappy shortstop for the Padres that disappointed then got hurt.  I know, Random Italicized Voice.  I was being facetious.  Facetious?  The broad married to William H. Macy?  Forget it.

Cole Hamels – 6 2/3 IP, 1 ER, 9 baserunners, 7 Ks vs. Marco Estrada (5 IP, 3 ER, 8 baserunners, 5 Ks).  This was a classic matchup of good vs. bad.  Damn, I should’ve went into broadcasting.

Chase Utley – 2-for-3, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 7th homer.  That’s gonna make the pomade go on that much smoother.

Joe Kelly – Will return to the rotation on Friday and bump Lyons.  Later, Fibber McGee!

Michael Wacha – Will rest for two more weeks.  If he needs a good book recommendation, I’m reading Barbarians at the Gate.  Don’t tell me how it ends!  (It’s gotta be better than the book that new HBO show, The Leftovers, is based on.  It would be more interesting if the show was about reheating meatloaf.  “Hey, I got an idea, how about we have characters that don’t speak, but write everything down!”  The Guilty Remnant should start a blog.)

Adam Wainwright – 7 IP, 0 ER, 10 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA down to 1.79.  Heard a lot of talk about whether Wainwright would start the All-Star Game or Kershaw.  Both are worthy, which is why I suggest they both start.  Tell me it wouldn’t be amazeballs if Kershaw threw the first pitch, then Wainwright came in for the 2nd pitch and Kershaw moved to 2nd base.  Then they kept switching back and forth for every pitch.  This would be must see TV!  Seriously, people who have never watched a minute of baseball wouldn’t just be tweeting about the game, they’d actually watch it.  How am I not in charge of the All-Star Game?

Matt Adams – 2-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 10th homer.  On pace for 20 homers, though he is batting .331.  Almost like Adams is a Joey Votto-lite.  And that’s the first time lite and Adams have ever been in the same sentence.

Charlie Morton – 7 IP, 0 ER, 3 baserunners, 5 Ks, but came out after 84 pitches because he had a late dental appointment?  I’m honestly not sure.  Left early because he was scared Jose Tabata’s wife was going to kidnap his baby?  I don’t know.

Bronson Arroyo – Will have Tommy John surgery.  He only throws 82 MPH to start with.  Isn’t it easier if he just learns to throw with his left hand?

Mark Trumbo – Expected back right after the All-Star break from his traumatized foot.  Hmm, maybe I shouldn’t have used a thesaurus there for a stress fracture.

Chase Anderson – 6 IP, 1 ER, 9 baserunners, 8 Ks.  He’s a streamer, which is why I streamed him.  Booyakasha!

Martin Prado – 1-for-4 and his 4th homer.  He’s really only a one week hot streak away from being exactly what I thought he was, which is not a whole lot.  Don’t hate the player, hate–  Actually, no hate the player, in this case.

Ender Inciarte – 2-for-5, 2 runs.  He did have a homer on Saturday, and has been batting leadoff.  Yes, like every great Tom Cruise romance, there is a but coming.  But he hasn’t done a whole lot recently or this season.

David Peralta – 2-for-4, 2 runs, 3 RBIs, hitting .331.  Now, unlike Ender, this guy has been a hot schmotato, and it doesn’t seem like it’s just a short schedule thing talking.

Daisuke Matsuzaka – 7 IP, 0 ER, 8 baserunners, 3 Ks vs. the Braves.  Such a joke that Dice-K is pitching this well.  Or maybe that’s the Braves hitting that is the joke.  Or maybe no soap, radio.

Jenrry Mejia – 1 1/3 IP, 1 ER and the blown save.  Probably just confirmation bias, but he seems to blow one save a week and earn one save every two weeks.  Might help if the Mets didn’t make him pitch in the eighth.  He’s still the closer, obviously there’s better ones.

David Wright – 1-for-5 and his 7th homer.  Too bad he didn’t make the All-Star team.  Maybe he shouldn’t have pissed off the Cougars.  Never forget!

Curtis Granderson – 1-for-4 and his 13th homer.  Catherine the Great would’ve had me executed for beating this dead horse, but Grandy’s really the leadoff man?  Really, Seth Myers?

Evan Gattis – Not ready for baseball activity.  That means no spitting or adjusting your cup.

B.J. Upton – 1-for-6, hitting .210 and leadoff.  Meanwhile, Tommy La Stella (1-for-4) has a .380 OBP and is batting 7th.  Cust kayin’.

Mike Minor – 7 IP, 2 ER, 4 baserunners, 4 Ks.  When Minor approached the pitching coach after the game to ask him what he did right here vs. his previous shellackings.  The pitching coach said, “No offense…Mets.”

Jesse Chavez – 6 IP, 0 ER, 6 baserunners, 9 Ks, lowering his ERA to 3.06.  If it wasn’t for fear of GLAAD retribution, I’d say Chavez beat off those Regression Fairies.

Jed Lowrie – 2-for-4, 1 run.  Won’t go as far to say he came out of his three-month haze, but he’s now gone 2-for-4 in each of his last three games.  I’d make him my MI (not really a stutter!) and see what happens, if you’re struggling up the middle.

Pablo Sandoval – Missed another game with a sore elbow.  Guessing this is hurting his archery too.

Jered Weaver – Left yesterday’s game with lower back tightness.  Less awkward than lower front tightness, but more painful.

Jon Singleton – 3-for-4, 2 runs, 4 RBIs and his 6th homer.  Gon Homerton!  Yes, he’s batting .188.  No, that won’t continue.  In a small sample size — that’s what she said! Huh? — and being a rookie, it’s impossible to know what he will be.  What he could be is a young Ryan Howard.

Alex Presley – 2-for-4, 2 RBIs and a slam (5) and legs (4), but strained his oblique.  Vague!

Ricky Nolasco – Will undergo an MRI on his elbow.  I’d skip the MRI and just put up on the light box his 5.90 ERA.

Hisashi Iwakuma – 7 IP, 0 ER, 4 baserunners, 10 Ks.  Hisashi my dashi — slurp SLURP!

Mike Zunino – 1-for-3 and his 13th homer.  If I wasn’t tethered ever-so-gently to Yan Gomes (who homered yesterday) and Zunino wasn’t batting .217, I would consider picking my catcher scab.

Michael Saunders – 1-for-3 and his 6th homer, hitting over .300 in the last week with a steal and two homers (including last night’s).  Picture Kole Calhoun, but without dealing with The Sciosciapath and not as much upside.   That’s Saunders.

Zach Putnam – 1 IP, 0 ER in the ninth inning.  Yay!  In a four-run game.  Lowercase yay.

Adam Dunn – 2-for-4, 2 runs and his 13th homer.  I might be the only person in the world that was sonavabenched by that.  Stupid weekly leagues.  I like how expert leagues are like, “We’re gonna play OBP because it’s better representative of real baseball.”  Then they make it a weekly league.  Besides, maybe Fredi Gonzalez, who sets a lineup weekly?

Dayan Viciedo – 2-for-3, 3 RBIs and his 11th homer.  A homer a day would be enough for us.  Dayanu!

Mike Carp – Was activated from the DL.  Super.  In related news, the Red Sox called up Mookie Betts to ride the bench.  Maybe I have Mookie rookie nookie, but they have dookie for brains.  Hehe, I said dookie.  They can’t even pinch hit him?  Seriously, dubya tee eff?  Don’t be a slave to the cliche “All Betts are off!”  Play him!

Shane Victorino – Will resume a rehab stint on Wednesday.  Dude updates his resume more than a recent college grad.

Kevin Gausman – Optioned to Triple-A Norfolk.  There’s gonna be a remake of Up in the Air with Gausman in the Clooney role.  Buck Showalter will be in the role originally done by Vera Farmiga, and when Gausman unexpectedly shows up at the stadium, Showalter will open the clubhouse door and Gausman will get a glimpse of Miguel Gonzalez playing catch with Ubaldo.