Okay, hooligans and hooligals! I did my best to ward off Rudy from recommending the title, “I’m Keano For Severino.” Or his 2nd recommended title, “Poop Breath < Severino.” I think Rudy’s been drinking. So, as they say when they remove tassels from cow udders in Tennessee, “Playtime’s over, let’s get down to business!” Yesterday, Luis Severino threw 7 IP, 2 ER, 6 baserunners, 11 Ks to lower his ERA to 4.50. Maybe not so much better than poop breath? I keed! Much better. Between the lines, where the game is played as I sound vaguely like George Will, Severino looks dominant. Fastball: 97 MPH, ground balls around 45%, xFIP at 1.95. Okay, I just put tassels on my udders, because those numbers are gorgeous. There’s not much fun to be had in his division and park, but his stuff should play anywhere. I’d absolutely look to add him in all leagues; he’s dramatically better than poop breath! Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:
James Kaprielian – Will undergo Tommy John surgery. The former Bruin has had trouble staying healthy after being the Yankees’ first round selection two years ago. Last time the Yankees trust scouting by Cam Neely. *intern whispers in my ear* You sure it’s not those Bruins?
Aaron Hicks – 2-for-3, 3 RBIs and his 1st and 2nd homers as he fills in for a beat-up Gardner. That sounds like an ICE situation in a sanctuary city. Topical!
Yu Darvish – 7 IP, 0 ER, 7 baserunners, 10 Ks, ERA at 2.33. You know the stories about how Yoan Moncada will eat anything? Well, if you don’t, you need to use your Google or buy my IP history that AT&T is selling. Yoan Moncada once ate 225 Twinkies in a week. More, from news reports, “On the island in their kitchen sat cookies, candy, cakes, all sorts of sweets, and to keep ants away, they set bright-colored boric-acid traps. Moncada thought it was liquid candy and tried to eat it before screams of “No!” caused him to drop it. This wasn’t the first time Moncada mistook a household item for food. He once tried to ingest a berry-scented liquid air freshener, too.” With that in mind, what does Yu Darvish eat? I’m gonna say he eats Japanese game show hosts, opposing hitters and colored chalk, cause it looks like Easter marshmallows.
Carlos Gomez – 1-for-5 and his 3rd homer, and 2nd in as many games. Uh-oh, someone’s trying to post-hype-sleeper-slump-superstar-garbage-vet-bounce back! I.e., The Rising of the Zombino!
Nomar Mazara – 1-for-5, 2 RBIs and his 3rd homer, hitting .368. Bless this door with the Mazuzah!
Elvis Andrus – 2-for-4, 2 runs and his 1st steal, hitting .353. He’ll be in this afternoon’s Buy column. You can hardly wait! No you!
Ricky Nolasco – 5 IP, 5 ER. I call him Pineda OG.
Danny Espinosa – 2-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 3rd homer, to tie Mike Trout. Should be a tight race for team MVP.
Tyler Naquin – Sent to Triple-A. Grab Bradley Zimmer!!! *a millisecond later* Hmm, maybe it was too early to grab Zimmer and I shouldn’t have dropped Arenado. I grabbed Zimmer in one mixed league, and looked for him in another mixed league, but he was gone already. I don’t know if it’s time for Zimmermania, though it is Passover.
Josh Tomlin – 1 2/3 IP, 7 ER, ERA at 18.47. Keep that up and he could be closing for the Rangers!
Michael Brantley – 2-for-5 and his 1st homer. I get the sense Brantley is only batting third, because of some kind of loyalty rewards program.
Geovany Soto – Hit the DL with elbow inflammation. Too bad, he was having a great year. Um, week. Okay, he had two good games.
Matt Davidson – 1-for-5, 3 RBIs and his 2nd homer. As Frazier sat out with the flu — That’s going around, huh? I blame the flu shot. — Davidson filled in.
Tim Anderson – 1-for-6, 2 runs and his 1st homer. He’s hitting .167 and Tomlin was throwing meatballs, and, hey, it was a good 1st inning.
Avisail Garcia – 3-for-4, 1 run, 2 RBIs, hitting .452. Yes, you absolutely should pick him up, but let me try and pee on the electric blanket for a second. If Avisail were hitting .450 for the week of August 3rd-10, you wouldn’t even notice. Things are blown out of proportion right now.
Marcell Ozuna – 2-for-6, 4 RBIs and his 4th homer, a grand slam, and 3rd homer in three games. OZUNA loves the sound of contact. OZUNA favorite actress is Jodie Foster. OZUNA let you guess his favorite movie.
Wei-Yin Chen – 3 IP, 6 ER, ERA at 7.00. Unfortch, I have him only in deep leagues where I can’t readily dump him, but I wouldn’t go down with him in mixed leagues, and would look elsewhere. This Chen-ship is over.
Robert Gsellman – 4 2/3 IP, 8 ER. I’ve seen Mets pitchers with less tendons than you throw better games! Meh, I’m not going to put lipstick on Puig, but I could see holding for his next start at home, then reevaluating.
Wilmer Flores – 2-for-7, 2 runs and his 2nd homer as he batted cleanup. He only batted cleanup because he started at 1st base and some old school managers like to bat their 1st baseman cleanup. I think it’s a teamster contract thing. Obviously it paid off yesterday, but that doesn’t make it right. Don’t delude yourself.
Yoenis Cespedes – 2-for-6 and his 5th and 6th homers. Someone’s vying for Employee of the Month. Damn it, that reminded me of Dane Cook. I hate when that happens. When did Dane Cook go from sold-out arenas to Joe Piscopo? Did EotM do it?
Travis d’Arnaud – 4-for-6, 3 runs, 4 RBIs and his 2nd homer, hitting .333. All right, fam, you know he’s going to be in the Buy this afternoon. You do you, I’ll do me, and we’ll wave at each other afterwards.
Jose Reyes – Benched due to early season struggles. His fill-in T.J. Rivera has hit for high averages in the minors, but limited pop and speed. Prolly nothing to see here outside of deep NL-Only leagues. I’m going to be a cyclops with a monocle on the situation though. You can relax.
Sonny Gray – Will throw three innings in a simulated game on Monday. The simulated game will be made up mostly of Twitter eggs and autobots.
Jason Vargas – 7 2/3 IP, 0 ER, 5 baserunners, 8 Ks, ERA at 0.66 vs. Jesse Hahn – 6 IP, 3 ER, 8 baserunners, 7 Ks, ERA at 3.75. This matchup was billed as, “Ugh, I’m starting both in my AL-Only league and this is gonna hurt,” but turned into, “Wow, better than I expected. I wonder if it’s weird I’m talking to myself. I prolly shouldn’t analyze this for too long.”
Trevor Story – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 1st homer. Don’t close the Buy Low window yet, I’m trying to get in there!
Byron Buxton – 1-for-5, 1 run and his 1st steal, hitting .088. Well, obviously it was his first steal. You don’t get a ton of opportunities when you strike out at a 85% of the time. His one hit, by the way, was a bunt single in an 11-run victory. That’s like when you’re the last one picked for dodge ball and they let you wear a suit of armor so it doesn’t hurt too bad.
Max Kepler – 2-for-4, 2 runs, 3 RBIs and his 1st homer, hitting .258. I’m not renaming my dog, Max Tedler, but it’s a start.
Miguel Sano – 1-f0r-2, 2 runs, 3 RBIs and his 3rd homer, hitting .310. Sano? More like Say-yes! See what I did there? *does refrained Tiger Woods fist pump*
J.D. Martinez – Nearing a rehab assignment. If he can…just…get…Waze to work. Dah, he passed the rehab assignment again, didn’t he? Okay, he’s gonna hit a U-ey and near a rehab assignment again tomorrow.
Miguel Cabrera – 1-for-2, 2 runs and his 1st homer. Damn, now it might be too late to sell him for fifty cents on the dollar!
Justin Upton – 1-for-3, 2 RBIs and his 1st home run. The Tigers’ general practitioner, Dr. Trawter, checks struggling vets’ vital signs. “I don’t believe in just prescribing medicine, but here…,” as he writes a prescription to ‘get at-bats against Phil Hughes.’
Jordan Zimmermann – 4 2/3 IP, 5 ER. Where are those questions about his new approach? The increased velocity? What, too soon?
Eric Thames – 2-for-3, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 2nd homer, hitting .360. Looks like Thames was able to catch up to that major league fastball! Oh, it was against Bronson Arroyo.
Ryan Braun – 1-for-3, 2 RBIs and his 3rd homer. Will say it’s pretty remarkable how Braun keeps trucking along presumably without any ‘enhancements’ and while never being healthy.
Jimmy Nelson – 7 IP, 1 ER, 5 baserunners (0 BBs), 5 Ks, ERA at 1.38. Doesn’t he sound like he should be on a self-titled Disney show? The Adventures of Jimmy Nelson? No? Meh, maybe it’s me. Any hoo! He does throw fast — 94 MPH fastball, gets a decent amount of ground balls, and, at one point, wasn’t just a ‘crappy Brewers pitcher,’ but a guy that could’ve had a bright future. I’m not completely sold yet, but this would be his third full season, a time some pitchers break out.
Anthony Rizzo – 2-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 1st homer, hitting .243. HR to the Rizzo!
Addison Russell – 1-for-4 and his 1st homer. You can put it on the booooooard–Wait, that’s the other annoying Chicago team. Cubs fans went from long-suffering to insufferable in a blink of an eye, right?
Brett Anderson – 5 IP, 0 ER, 7 baserunners, 2 Ks, ERA at 0.84. He’s sitting on a 5.1 K/9. Small sample yadda-cubed, but that’s about his career norm now, so I don’t think it’s the sample size talking as one might say about a naked ventriloquist.
Hyun-Jin Ryu – 4 2/3 IP, 4 ER, ERA at 5.79. That’s a Roshambo to the nethers, but he has a solid next matchup, a good home park and I’d hold.
Chad Kuhl – 6 1/3 IP, 1 ER, 5 baserunners (zero BBs), 6 Ks, ERA at 2.38. This start came in Fenway and Stream-o-Nator said of it: dumpster fire gif being violated by eggplant emojis. But, apparently, even a blind squirrel can order nuts off GrubHub.
Andrew McCutchen – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 1st homer. There’s a small fog forming on the mirror under McCutchen’s nose. Wait, it’s frosted glass.
Eduardo Rodriguez – 5 1/3 IP, 2 ER, 8 baserunners (4 BBs), 8 Ks. Real talk: If Eduardo Rodriguez were on the Pirates, he’d be Chad Kuhl. If Ed-Rod were that good, the Sawx would’ve traded him away already.
David Price – Two weeks from a rehab assignment. Sounds like a day in the life of Gary Busey.
