The Reds’ bullpen are the Nasty Boys again. Not in the good way though. In the Janet Jackson way. . .Nasty, nasty boys, don’t mean a thing. Lucas Sims (1 IP, 3 ER) came in and pitched a clean, sexy 9th inning, like a closer might. Then the 10th inning came, and–did Amir Garrett sneeze on him? Yo, I put this CD-Rom in my computer, fired up the dial-up, and began to clothe my Sims family for this? Are you kidding? Reds’ bullpen is so bad, it made the Dbags’ pen look good, but only by comparison, because Kevin Ginkel (2/3 IP, 1 ER); Yoan Lopez (2/3 IP, 1 ER); Stefan Crichton (1/3 IP, 2 ER) trust me, are not good. I’m actually holding out hope that Joakim Soria returns as the closer, and I already know he’s gonna suck. Not because I’ve seen the future, but because I’ve seen the past! Eight home runs left Great American Ballpark yesterday, and they hadn’t seen so many dongs since Marge Schott was breeding bulldogs. Since there’s so many dingers, let’s get on the other side of the ‘anyway’ to go over them. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Joey Votto – 2-for-5, 2 runs and his 4th homer. He continues to chomp on pitchers’ brain custard and cause everyone to yell, “ZOMBINO!” He will be in this afternoon’s Buy column, and to see who else is in there right now subscribe to the Patreon.

Eugenio Suarez – 1-for-5, 2 RBIs and his 3rd homer, as he hits .169. His batting average is about as good as his shortstop fielding.

Nick Castellanos – 2-for-6, 3 RBIs and his 6th homer. The Greek God of Hard Contact dedicated that home run for all the Greek moms out there with schmutz in their mustache and, when it’s pointed out, they say, “Oh, that’s just my schmutztache.”

Jesse Winker – 2-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 2nd and 3rd homer, as he hit leadoff. In September, I’m gonna say something about Tyler Naquin, and you’re gonna be like, “Oh, yeah, whatever happened to him?”

Jonathan India – 1-for-4 and his 1st homer, hitting .255. Fun fact! India calls his bat, Ballywood.

Taylor Widener – 5 1/3 IP, 4 ER, 6 baserunners, 7 Ks, ERA at 2.82. He was cruising along, then this start went sideways quicker than Paul Giamatti with a glass of Merlot. He’s still a Streamonator call in most mixed leagues, but I did grab Widener the first week of the season in my deeper leagues, and I’ve started him every time out without much thought. Though, I was voted, Most Likely To Do Something Without Much Thought.

David Peralta – 5-for-6, 2 runs, 7 RBIs and his 2nd homer, hitting .269. Now has five straight games with a hit, and he’s not in this afternoon’s Buy, but I could see adding him, since a five-hit game goes a long way towards being hot.

Carson Kelly – 1-for-5, 2 RBIs and his 4th homer, hitting .351. I was so happy when James McCann fell to me in a league after the 220th pick, and Kelly is just mocking me.

Alex Kirilloff – With Miguel Sano hitting the IL with a hamstring strain, Kiriloff was finally called up. Yes, yes, yes…Anyone hear anything on Kelenic yet? No? Okay, but Kiriloff is a great start. I would grab Kirilloff in all leagues, and, of course, he will be in this afternoon’s Buy column. One may say, he’s lede’ing things off.

Domingo German – 6 IP, 2 ER, 8 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 6.23, as he was recalled from the alternate training site. I was half-watching this game while preparing dinner and heard something about German/Loaisiga and I thought, “Ooh, is that like cheesy layers of bratwurst and do they deliver?” Then, after dinner, I saw German settled down but it was an easy-ish matchup. Though, better than being bad in a hard-ish start, right? Yes. I think. Obviously in deeper mixed leagues, it’s guten tag, Sonntag, but I’d hold in shallower.

Kyle Higashioka – 2-for-4, 2 runs, and his 3rd homer, hitting .353. Don’t care what the Yanks do, but how have they not just traded Gary Sanchez for, like, anything?

Pete Alonso – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 4th homer, and 2nd in as many games. Albombso!

Joc Pederson – Hit the IL with wrist tendinitis. Geez, that’s too very bad–Nico Hoerner was called up to replace him! Let’s get down and boogie! At least for my NL-Only team where I drafted him. The Cubs wouldn’t promote him to send him down again, right? Right?! Tell me I’m right, Voice In My Head!

Cristian Javier – 5 IP, 0 ER, 4 baserunners (1 BB), 9 Ks, ERA at 1.32. Cristian Javier was being the Cristian Javiest he could last night. *lifts him in a chair* Javier…Nagila! Wait, Cristian? Oh, lower him. I was out on him in the preseason, because the 2020 BABIP was goofy low, and his command isn’t elite, or wasn’t at least. This year it’s been fine. Also, if his K/9 is gonna be north of 12, then who, and follow me here, cares. I don’t. He can have a 5+ BB/9 with a 12+ K/9. I don’t think he’s available a lot of places, but if he is, then mea culpa on the preseason hesitation, I’d go fully in until the command regresses.

Alex Cobb – 2 2/3 IP, 4 ER, ERA at 6.28. Hope you didn’t get suckered into Cobb like a woman in the 1900s being invited on a double-date with Rube Waddell and his friend, Ty.

Mike Trout – Left the game after being plunked on the elbow. “Someone owes me a nickel!” Oh, shut up, Eric Plunk. It looked like Trout was in pain, but nothing can stop Mike Trout.

Albert Pujols – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 3rd homer, hitting .229. After the game, Pujols finished the second half of his home run trot, as the players all agreed to not delay the game for it at the time.

Donovan Solano – Hit the IL with a strained calf. I know just how you veal.

Aaron Sanchez – 5 IP, 0 ER, 2 hits, 0 walks, 2 Ks, ERA at 1.83. Okay, bear with here as I explain a very elaborate strategy:  Start all Giants pitchers at home.

Brian Anderson – Hit the IL with an oblique strain. What a shame–Who cares! Now Jon Berti will have to play, right? Why does it feel like Jon Berti and Garrett Hampson have the same agent and that agent wronged so many people? I could see grabbing Berti if you need speed. Also, Jose Devers was called up, and he’s got some speed and Rafael Devers’s jeans. Yes, he stole his brother’s Levi’s.

Rafael Devers – 2-for-5, 2 runs and a slam (6) and legs (1), hitting .279. I like the players with the boom, I once got busy in a Burger King bathroom. RIP Shock G.

Nick Pivetta – 6 IP, 2 ER, 1 hit, 3 BBs, 4 Ks, ERA at 3.48. Who can make one hit in six innings still feel kind of meh? The Pivetta-man can!

Justin Dunn – 5 IP, 2 ER, 7 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA at 3.68. He looks good, like a young Willie Randolph. Flip it to Roy Smalley! Dunn’s pitching wasn’t bad either. His command, in general, is a mess based on his 2020 and April, but that hasn’t always been the case. His velocity is way up (91 to 94), and could see moving in on him in deeper mixed leagues, but Streamonator still for shallower.

Mitch Haniger – 1-for-3, 2 runs, 3 RBIs and his 5th homer, hitting .316. Glad, actually very happy, that the one Mariners hitter I don’t have anywhere is the one hitting. Very, very pleased. *opens drawer, inserts hand, slams drawer on hand*

Jordan Romano – Will be activated from the IL on Saturday, and should take over the 9th again. Hope you didn’t spend too much cheddar on Dolis, because the Jays have Romano. Also, the Jays said Merryweather will be lucky to return by June gloom.

Ke’Bryan Hayes – Re-aggravated his wrist while taking swings in Detroit. Who does he think he is, Kid Rock? Don’t bawitdaba da bang da bang up your wrist! Ugh, I don’t know what’s going on, but he went back to Pittsburgh for tests and that sounds awful.

Adam Frazier – 3-for-5, 2 runs and his 2nd steal. Prolly worthwhile to grab, but if it causes an erection for longer than five minutes, you might want to seek a doctor.

Jose Urena – 7 IP, 2 ER, 6 baserunners, 2 Ks, ERA at 4.57 vs. Mitch Keller 5 IP, 2 ER, 5 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA at 7.16. This Tigers/Pirates matchup was billed as, “These guys are paid to be playing, but they should pay me to watch it.” The Tigers lost, but were there any winners?

Zach McKinstry – Scratched with back tightness, and so was Chris Taylor. Sheldon Neuse and A.J. Pollock replaced them both, and both hit their first home run. Hmm, something’s fishy here, and it’s not the Pollock.

Trent Grisham – 2-for-4, and a slam (4) and legs (4), hitting .318. Damn, or rather Grishamn. He might not be a fluke. No, I’m still smelling that Pollock!

Ryan Weathers – 5 2/3 IP, 0 ER, 2 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 0.59. If Paddack and Lamet’s rookie years tell us anything, Padres develop pitchers to be good for about five months. All seriousness, Weathers isn’t this good, but he does have elite command, and a good team. Of course, I just want the Padres to call-up McKenzie Gore.

Dinelson Lamet – Padres said he won’t get another MRI on his elbow. Smart, makes denial easier.