If you have friends that are Mets fans, yesterday was a difficult day. Please check in on them. Meanwhile, Brodie Van Wagenen will be drinking George Clooney’s tequila with Jay-Z while the Mariners game is on behind them at the Soho House, and Brodie won’t even know Jarred Kelenic is playing.
Extreme Jay-Z voice: Whoa, didn’t you trade away this guy?
BVV: Hova, Robbie Cano looked great.
Extreme Jay-Z voice: So soulful.
The Mariners were the talk of the MLB town yesterday with Logan Gilbert and Jarred Kelenic debuting. The bad news first, Logan Gilbert (4 IP, 4 ER, 5 hits, zero walks, 5 Ks). Okay, serious question, does Logan Gilbert throw ground balls or is that like not cool? He should consider ground balls, or at least mullet over. The problem with rookie pitchers — besides roofies — I don’t have eyes on them until they’re called up, and others who do have eyes on them, are seeing them go against minor leaguers. In every minor league lineup, there’s at least, what, five easy outs? There were moments when Gilbert looked like he could be an ace, and there were moments when I wasn’t sure why I picked him up in a 12-team mixed league. One start does not a career make; don’t make me point out how Clayton Kershaw had a terrible rookie year. He settled in as the game went along, stopped throwing only fastballs, and looked solid. You might consider streaming out of him in shallower leagues, you might hold him. Feels situational in shallower leagues. As usual, rookie pitchers not always worth the headache. Rookie hitters, how’sever, well, Jarred Kelenic can be a future star, and by future I mean starting today. It’s very encouraging the M’s hit him leadoff — I guess they like what they saw with his glove in the minors this year — and I’m completely, 100% still a smitten kitten on Kelenic. Let the good times roll, preferably right over me. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:
Dylan Moore – 1-for-3, 2 RBIs and his 4th homer, hitting .162, and two homers in the last week. It’s appropriate his name is Moore, because that’s what I keep yelling at the TV when I see him. If his name was Dylan Anything, it would work too.
Jose Ramirez – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 11th homer. “Grey, could you put it into simple words for me to understand how much value Jose Ramirez is going to lose with the trade of Lindor?”
Franmil Reyes – 1-for-4 and his 9th homer. Only 45 more homers for the $54 Vending Machine Steak and I’m gonna be chugging some A-1.
Zach Plesac – 8 IP, 2 ER, 5 baserunners, 2 Ks, ERA at 3.56. Ideally, if you’re a Mariners fan, you don’t want them no-hit once a week. Plesac nearly did that to them, in the end, throwing a Bumgarner. I look at his line, and watch his pitching, and, I don’t know, it’s all kinda ‘just okay.’ A 1.9 BB/9 is great, but a 6.2 K/9 is so 5th starter.
Ronald Acuña Jr. – 1-for-4 and his major league-leading 12th homer. He left with an ankle injury, but he walked off the field and x-rays were negative. Also, hang this in opposing clubhouses, maybe then they’ll realize they should just walk Tildaddy:
Charlie Morton – 4 2/3 IP, 3 ER, 9 baserunners, 4 Ks, ERA at 5.08. Charlie Morton should stick to throwing passed balls. If you have Morton rostered on your team, you are so lucky he doesn’t have a 10+ ERA. Between the passed ball earned runs fiasco last time and yesterday, leaving the bases loaded, and no runs scoring, Morton’s been walking between the raindrops all year and not getting wet. And he still has a 5+ ERA!
Will Smith – 1/3 IP, 4 ER, ERA at 5.02. In a hundred years, they’re gonna talk about how the pandemic gave way to the closerpocalypse, and we will elicit much pity.
Dansby Swanson – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 5th homer, hitting .215. Buy low window is going to close super fast when he heats up. Prey on his panicked owners; they are weak; drink their blood!
Omar Narvaez – 0-for-3 as he was activated from the IL. Kevin from ESPN’s “Get Him In Your Lineup” Department said, “I didn’t know my Penthouse mask would be offensive. When I wear it, I can’t see the naked lady.”
Corbin Burnes – 5 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 9 Ks, ERA at 1.57, and he walked a guy — what a bum! Since he was activated from the IL prior to the game, Kevin from ESPN’s “Get Him In Your Lineup” Department added, “I will switch into my Hooter’s mask.”
Jack Flaherty – 6 IP, 0 ER, 6 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 2.47. Mentioned recently to sell Flaherty and what a giant ding dong I must be, huh? Don’t you dare agree. Flaherty is still pitching to a much better ERA than his peripherals are backing up. Anything can happen with BABIP, LOB% and xERA, but Flaherty’s pitching like a 3.50-3.75 pitcher vs. a 2.50 ERA guy.
Max Kepler – 1-for-4 and his 3rd homer, hitting .200. It took Gloria Stuart saying, “It’s been 84 years…” before Kepler got hot, but he now has three homers this week. Now to get him out of the 7-hole.
Michael Pineda – 5 1/3 IP, 3 ER, 7 baserunners, 7 Ks, ERA at 2.79. Have you seen him recently? He looks like a stuffed baked potato sitting on top of two green beans.
Lance Lynn – 5 IP, 0 ER, 5 baserunners, 9 Ks, ERA at 1.30. Not exactly efficient to use 111 pitches to get through five innings, but, hot damn, I love Lance Lynn, balancing those dopey starts from Pab-Lo and Eflin. Daddy appreciates you.
Tim Anderson – 2-for-4 and his 5th homer, hitting .315. Tim Anderson’s bat flipped yesterday, and did a Triple Lindy.
Jake Lamb – 1-for-3 and his 1st homer. Of course, Lamb homered. La Russa nurtured him back to health, found him a place to play, and set him up with a good woman, like he does for every stray animal. “At Tony La Russa’s Home For Strays, we rescue and later marry animals off.” That’s a mildly sober Tony La Russa in a commercial.
Anthony DeSclafani – 5 IP, 0 ER, 1 hit, 1 walk, 5 Ks, ERA at 2.14. I have DeSclafani across multiple teams, and I can’t understand how people keep asking in the comments to drop him. I’ve been trumpeting DeSka all year! Where I have him, in my Tout Wars, I spent all my money on hitting, and I have a 2.95 ERA collectively, and can’t figure out my offense with Juan Soto, Trevor Story, Bellinger, and Rizzo. It’s a 12-team NL-Only team! I have the best pitching and the worst hitting. Help me!
Steven Duggar – 2-for-3 and his 1st homer. Which of the 19 Duggars is Steven? Oh, silly me, he wears number six. Asked and answered!
Luis Castillo – 3 2/3 IP, 8 ER, ERA at 7.71. Glad I didn’t bother learning how to pronounce his name.
Josh Fuentes – 3-for-5, 4 RBIs and his 4th homer, and his 2nd homer in two games. He won’t be in this afternoon’s Buy/Sell, but you can see it now at our Patreon and not wait.
Jonathan India – 2-for-4, 2 runs, 3 RBIs and his 2nd homer, hitting .222. Coming into the game, India didn’t have a hit in ten games. That’s Taj Mah-awful.
Gleyber Torres – Tested positive for Covid and will be out for at least ten days. Gleyber had recently been vaxxed, but the vaccination nurse was played by Ben Affleck.
Jameson Taillon – 4 2/3 IP, 4 ER, ERA at 5.40. Players traded from the Pirates to the Yankees in the last 30 years: Justin Wilson, Charlie Hayes, Luis Sojo, Xavier Nady, Eric Hinske, and Jameson Taillon. Hey, there’s a chance Taillon might make a great coach in 15 years.
Diego Castillo – Due back to today. Jeffrey does not Springs eternal.
Austin Meadows – 3-for-5, 2 RBIs and his 8th homer, hitting .208. Meadows is doing better in the power and the staying healthy departments than I expected, but lower in the average department. There’s still a ton of time for him in the average department, and a buy low department just opened, due to the BABIP department understock. Hey, I just ate, and had a few after dinner departments.
Randy Arozarena – 1-for-3, 2 runs, 3 RBIs and his 4th homer, hitting .260. It’s about time someone hypnotized Arozarena to think it’s October. Score one for his family too, when they get Xmas presents in July.
Rich Hill – 6 2/3 IP, 0 ER, 6 baserunners, 9 Ks, ERA at 4.26, but in his last 21 innings, he has only allowed two earned and has 27 Ks. Pretty remarkable for officially the oldest person in the league with Albert Pujols released and Nelson Cruz showing a fake ID. Be lying if I said I fully trust Hill, but you can likely do worse in deeper leagues.
Willie Calhoun – 1-for-3 and his 4th homer. True Confession Alert! Dropped Willie (different than dropping trou) the other day because I just couldn’t deal with the UTIL-Only, but, once he gets outfield eligibility I will(ie) go back in on him.
Cristian Javier – 7 IP, 3 ER, 6 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 3.08. Didn’t love Javier coming into the season, but his peripherals are jumping off the page, and way better than his 2020. I’m convinced, until further notice. How’s dem hedges? As Marie Antoinette said at Versailles.
Sean Manaea – 2 IP, 7 ER, ERA at 4.40. “Siri, show me pain.” Man, my fantasy team won’t be able to sit down for a few days after that. Manaea needs to go to the Charlie Morton School of Passed Balls and Unearned Runs. Nothing really has changed in the big picture for Manaea, except now he’s been even more unlucky.
Xander Bogaerts – 3-for-3, 3 RBIs and his 8th homer, hitting .348. When someone says they don’t want more than one or two guys on their fantasy team from the same team’s lineup, I’m going to vaguely point at Just Dong, Bogaerts, Devers, Verdugo…Even Bobby Dalbec (2-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 3rd homer) got in the action last night.
Garrett Richards – 6 IP, 0 ER, 8 baserunners, 4 Ks, ERA at 3.89, then relieving him was Garrett Whitlock (3 IP, 1 ER, ERA at 1.77). Elias Sports Bureau said this was the first time a MLB team had two Garretts pitch in the same game since Amir Garrett went Dr. Jekyll & Mr. Hyde in his last outing.
Trevor Rogers – 6 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 7 Ks, ERA at 1.84. As I said in the preseason and, unfortunately, didn’t follow through on, I wish I had all Marlins starters. Eff it, throw Cody Potty in there too!
Spencer Turnbull – 6 1/3 IP, 1 ER, 7 baserunners, 7 Ks, ERA at 3.91. To a point, I don’t trust any Tigers pitchers (or hitters), but Streamonator is a slight positive for Turnbull’s next start, for what that’s Cronenworth.
Michael Fulmer – 2/3 IP, 0 ER and his 2nd save. Gregory Soto (1/3 IP, 2 ER) had gone back-to-back, but A.J. Hinch’s entire managerial style in Detroit seems to be “Throw shizz at a wall and see what sticks.” Fulmer’s pitching well out of the pen, but more “get outs vs. wipeout and destroy hitter’s confidence.” I’ve sorta moved on from the Tigers’ pen in a life’s too short kinda way, and I think Soto is still the closer, and Fulmer is just a floater, though not as in a turd.
J.T. Realmuto – Hit the Covid IL with a knee issue. Fake injuries are name of the game, but something’s grimy about faking a Covid IL. Looking forward to some team figuring out you can have a forty-man roster by just IL’ing guys for one day.
Zach Eflin – 6 IP, 5 ER, 9 baserunners, 9 Ks, ERA at 3.86. *screaming into the eye of a hurricane* Take me, you coward, and leave my starters alone!
Patrick Corbin – 7 IP, 1 ER, 5 baserunners, 9 Ks, ERA at 6.19. He had his best game yesterday for velocity and slider, though I’m not sure he’s still not cooked. His peripherals look awful. Like unusable. Not joking, 100% serious. Streamonator likes his next start a little, and, sadly, I guess we’re still wait and see. I’m at about 50% that he’s utter garbage, and 50% just kinda usable.
Kyle Schwarber – 2-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 4th homer, hitting .202. I’m on my hands and knees, groveling, pleading, please get hot.
Josh Bell – 1-for-3, 2 RBIs and his 4th homer, hitting .140. Yesterday, I said the Nats’ lineup has a bunch of guys who seem older than they are: Castro, Schwarber, and Harrison. Add Bell to that list. All of them need websites designed by Melky Cabrera to say they’re in their 20s. Wait, Kyle Schwarber and Bell are in their 20s? I don’t believe it, or KyleSchwarberAndJoshBellAreReallyYoung dot com, designed by Celky Mabrera.
