Who loves irony? Did you just answer your mom? I said irony, not ironing. As the British will tell you, irony is not a well-pressed shirt. Though, now that I think about it, if I had a well-pressed shirt, and I said, “This thing is real irony,” I wouldn’t be wrong because I was saying it. Any hoo! The irony I speak of is Alex Gordon hitting the major leagues’ record 5,694th home run on the year, while there was less offense around the league last night than I could remember in some time. Granted, from around September 11th to 14th is a bit of a blur. A true highlight (building shizz up now!) was Kevin Gausman and his dismantling of the Sawx (really overselling) with the line 8 IP, 0 ER, 4 baserunners, 7 Ks, ERA at 4.61. This year, like a case of lice, Gausman is a real head scratcher. Looking at his perfs (kids say this; think it’s short for perfumes), Gausman is having a garbage year. Velocity is there, so doubt it’s a hidden injury. The walks are way up, Ks are down, and the culprit appears to be his fastball. Went from a near-10 in pitch value on his speed ball to a negative. FS shouldn’t abbreviate fastball, it should be for “F**k’s sake.” The good news is this sounds like a mechanics problem, and might’ve been fixed already. Thanks, Pep Boys! His 1st half vs. 2nd half: 5.85 ERA vs. 3.44; 7.7 K/9 vs. 9.6 K/9; 4 BB/9 vs. 3.2. Yeah, sadly enough, it’s going to be hard to avoid him in 2018 again. Now, that’s real irony (no, it’s not). Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:
Drew Pomeranz – 6 1/3 IP, 0 ER, 7 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA at 3.15. I’m going to recap every position immediately following the season, but I was curious like the case of Benjamin Button, and looked up Pomeranz’s stats to see if he’s being A) Lucky or B) Good. Like the answer to who cleaned Andy Griffiths’ underwear, it’s mostly B.
Dustin Pedroia – Hopes to be back by Wednesday with a nasal contusion. Sounds like me after I get into an accident with Cougs for insurance fraud and my airbag is overactive. Hmm, maybe TMI. “Just back into me, Cougs. Slower! Oh God! No!”
Hanley Ramirez – Expects to return on Wednesday. Haha, he’s trying to be clever by not telling us what Wednesday, but there’s only two more Wednesdays, smarty pants!
Jose Berrios – 3 1/3 IP, 3 ER, ERA at 3.94. Hey, I know how this story ends. Sometime in May of next year, he tears his labrum. Not my favorite story, but it’s predictable. No, go out in the street and make me some cash! Sorry, I was just watching The Deuce. I wanna be a pimp!
Collin McHugh – 5 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA at 3.44. I didn’t have him going, but I think I told every single commenter yesterday to start him, so that was more like McWhew. Stream-o-Nator doesn’t love his next start, so if you can get out while the gettin’s good, get out. Or rather *clangs spoon against a tea cup*
Lucas Giolito – 6 2/3 IP, 2 ER, 8 baserunners, 3 Ks, ERA at 2.58. Oh, man, am I gonna have to be all about Giolito next year? *looks at his player page* Well, that seems unlikely.
Miguel Sano – Likely done for the regular season. Molitor said, “Have I told you I had a 39-game hitting streak?”
Alex Gordon – 1-for-3, hitting .209, and hit his 5,694th homer. Apparently, that’s a lot.
Marcus Stroman – 7 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA at 3.01. Not bad for a midget.
Chase Anderson – 6 IP, 0 ER, 5 baserunners, 8 Ks, ERA at 2.74. Guarantee you, in the postseason, if the Brewers get there (they’re starting to slip in the standings; I know, I was surprised by this too; I thought every team made the playoffs; hey, uh, can someone get me out of this parenthetical? But first remind me what I was even talking about pre-parenthetical. Okay, got it.), announcers will say something like, “Surprised to see Anderson get rocked, he had a good ERA during the season.”
Domingo Santana – 2-for-4, and his 26th homer, hitting .279. It’s Sunday somewhere!
Aaron Altherr – 1-for-4 and his 18th homer, and 2nd homer in as many games. And grab him right now! No time to waste, guys and five girls.
Yasmani Grandal – 1-for-3 and his 20th homer. Ugh, remind me to never drop my catcher. Sitting over here with Stephen effin’ Vogt now! Eff the Vogt! I’m with Her! Her being Yasmani!
A.J. Ramos – 2/3 IP, 3 ER and the blown save vs. his old team, the Marlins. “So that’s why we lost so many games in the 9th,” said everyone on the Marlins. In fairness to Ramos, this save opportunity comes a couple of days after he complained about not getting enough work. That’s a new critique for Terry Collins. Jeurys Familia worked a clean 7th, and might see a save or two down the stretch.
Jose Reyes – 4-for-5, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 14th homer to go with 22 steals. I’m not saying it’s very valuable, but it’s more valuable than you or I thought. C’mon, give me that.
Brad Ziegler – Recovering from the flu. Give him some ‘Tussin and get him back out there! I need saves! But not blow ups. How greedy can I be?
Justin Bour – 2-for-5 and his 22nd homer, and hitting near-.400 in the last week. Hot schmotato alert! Or you could say “Bour on.”
J.T. Realmuto – 3-for-5, 2 runs and his 17th homer, hitting .277. On our Player Rater, Realmuto is the ____ ranked catcher. Any guesses? Did you just guess a number while covering your mouth with your hand so we couldn’t hear? He’s the third best catcher this year.
Pablo Sandoval – 3-for-4, 1 RBI. He has had two solid games in a row, and there’s not much time left for sample sizes, which seems against everything Sandoval stands for.
Bryce Harper – Participated in a simulated game. I wonder if he mimed homering, then mimed being a douche.
Luiz Gohara – 6 1/3 IP, 4 ER, 11 baserunners, 4 Ks, ERA at 6.06. He’s actually pitched better than that ERA, but that’s irrelevant at this point. The Stream-o-Nator likes his next start, and I could see streaming him.
Matt Olson – 1-for-4 and his 23rd homer, and, literally, his 475th homer in the last week. *pulls up the hand of a young prematurely balding man* “Look around.” *he’s obviously in awe, a faint glow shines on his combover* “Where are we?” “We’re at Matt-cca. This is where Allahson plays.” “Am I dreaming?” “You haven’t had sex with your wife in two months, do you really think this would be your dream?” And that’s the first psalm in the Book of Allahson.
Matt Chapman – 1-for-4 and his 13th homer. You can stay at Matt-cca, but don’t try and steal Allahson’s glory.
Nick Castellanos – 2-for-5, 2 RBIs and his 24th homer. If you could pick up any player right now, it would have to be Castellanos.
Ian Kinsler – 1-for-5 and his 20th homer, and his 2nd homer in as many games. Kinsler did not appreciate the Story of Allahson.
Martin Perez – 6 1/3 IP, 1 ER, 5 baserunners, 4 Ks, ERA at 4.70 vs. Mike Leake – 6 2/3 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA at 2.13 on the M’s, and 3.91 overall. Both of these guys sport flaccid K-rates, which is helpful for a Leake, but makes a terrible Mike.
Delino DeShields – 2-for-4, 1 run and his 29th steal. How about that 2016 sleeper post now?! I look forward to next year when I’m saying, “Odor is great, I told you…18 months ago!”
Jake Arrieta – Lining up to start on Thursday. On your mark, get set, go! Oh, yeah, not talking to Arrieta, I’m playing Pokemon Go. Pikachu, is that you in my bathroom?!
Mike Montgomery – 6 IP, 1 ER, 1 hit, 0 walks, 6 Ks, ERA at 3.47. The only run and hit allowed was a Brad Miller homer. Know what they say, can’t spell Montgomery without ‘omer.’ Just missing the H for homer, and that Homer burns H. Montgomery Burns. See? All connected like The Secret.
Kyle Schwarber – 1-for-4 and his 28th homer, and his 4th homer in the last seven games. “I’m taking the lotion and a towel in the bathroom, and I don’t want to be disturbed for five minutes. Understand, mother?” That’s Joe Buck.
Chris Archer – 6 IP, 2 ER, 5 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 4.02. Sigh, guess we should’ve trusted him. Alas, I don’t, and won’t the rest of the season.
David Peralta – Sidelined with a tight quad. I hate that word ‘tight,’ how about frugal?
Adam Wainwright – Activated from the DL and moved to the bullpen. He’ll be able to fully comment on this when he’s retired and an announcer in about two years.
Dexter Fowler – 3-for-4, 3 runs, 2 RBIs and his 17th homer, and 2nd homer in as many games. If Fowler’s available, I’d grab him. Unless….you’re….chicken.
Paul DeJong – 2-for-5, 2 RBIs and his 23rd homer. Will be fun when DeJong disappears next year like so many Cardinal breakouts that have come before him. Don’t worry, someone else will step up; my guess rhymes with Biscotti.
Scooter Gennett – 2-for-5, 2 runs and his 26th homer, hitting .298. I’ll keep this short like Stroman. I don’t think this year from Scooter is a fluke.
Eugenio Suarez – Away for a few days on paternity leave. Sounds like he’s gonna be looking at the Suarez birth canal!