Jose Altuve (4-for-6, 4 runs, 4 RBIs and his 10th homer) did what no one his size had done before — no, not rode a rollercoaster. No, not drive without telephone books on the seat. No, not ride on the back of a Great Dane. No, not hide inside a box of cereal. What is wrong with you people? No, not watch a movie while sitting in Aaron Judge’s pocket. I have to say, I don’t appreciate these things you’re saying about a guy who is literally half an inch shorter than me. Altuve hit for the cycle! He blew the training wheels off his cycle! Now that Jose Altuve is done hitting for the cycle, he wants to know if you can buy him an ice cream cone. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Jose Abreu – 2-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 11th homer. Can he catch Mike Ford, who has played in almost half as many games and has 13 homers? The universe wants to know!

Yordan Alvarez – 4-for-4, 2 runs, 4 RBIs and his 22nd homer, hitting .288. Please let Captain Woo Cubano have a 13-homer month of September. Please.

Ceddanne Rafaela – 1-for-1 as he was recalled. Red Sox now have Rafaela Devers. Call the cops, we have someone trying to be too cutesy! He had 14 HRs and .312 in Triple-A. That goes with 36 steals across two levels. Ced-dang! What’s up with that thang? I wanna know, how does it–okay, now I’m just singing Salt N Pepa. Ceddane’s interesting for AL-Only leagues, but I don’t know his playing time for mixed redraft leagues and might be sent back down when Wilyer returns from the paternity list.

Adam Duvall – 1-for-3, 2 RBIs and his 17th homer, 54th homer in the last week. Stop me if you’ve heard this before–

Chris Sale – 4 2/3 IP, 3 ER, ERA at 4.75 vs. Cristian Javier – 4 IP, 4 ER, ERA at 4.66. This matchup was billed as, “The Casuals think they’re still good.”

Kenta Maeda – 4 IP, 6 ER, ERA at 4.69. You Maeda me do it with your other starts! Streamonator says he goes to Texas next, and, man, that’s an impossible decision.

Jorge Polanco – 2-for-4, 2 runs, 3 RBIs and his 2nd homer in three games. JoPo might be a hot schmotato, he might be back to his good self. Either scenario is good.

Matt Wallner – 1-for-3, 2 runs and his 10th homer. From the window to the Wallner…

Royce Lewis -2-for-4, 2 runs, 4 RBIs and his 8th homer, who hit grand slams in back-to-back games. Looking good Minny Royce, feeling good Lewis! Not sure if everyone watches Royce Lewis highlights or has seen how easy he homers, so I will show you:

Bo Naylor – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 6th homer. Bo Naylor sounds like what the son in the Murdaugh Murders would’ve insisted his friends called him.

Vaughn Grissom – Sent down to Triple-A. The Secret says I have to put it out in the universe so: Trade him this offseason!

Ozzie Albies – 0-for-6 as he was activated from the IL. Kevin from ESPN’s “Get Him In Your Lineup” Department said, “It was hot so I didn’t think anyone would care that I moved my standing desk into the water fountain outside.”

Ronald Acuna Jr. – 4-for-5, 4 runs, 5 RBIs and a slam (29) and double legs (60, 61). Tildaddy tells you he’s ready to have a catch!

Chase Silseth – Released from the hospital after taking a throw off the side of his head. Angels are hopeful he can return soon, saying, “I’d bet on Silseth’s return before Rendon.”

Lucas Giolito – 5 2/3 IP, 5 ER, ERA at 4.45. The Angels’ whole buying bad players at the deadline to show Ohtani they were serious about winning is a beautiful chef’s kiss.

Bryce Harper – 1-for-3, 2 RBIs and his 13th homer, and 8th homer in August. Well, he’s back, but because I have to see a glass half empty. If Ohtani has Tommy John surgery in October, do we really have to wait until the All-Star Break for him to hit for power?

Trea Turner – 2-for-3, 3 runs, 3 RBIs and his 16th and 17th homer, hitting .255. He has a real chance for a 22/30 season. Granted, there might be more 30/30 guys than there’s been in almost 20 years, but it’s hardly a bust for Treat Urner. More just “a bit disappointing.”

Taijuan Walker – 5 2/3 IP, 3 ER, 10 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 4.05. Call two bawks on me, because I chickened out right before game time and didn’t stream Walker, dropping him.

Grayson Rodriguez – 6 IP, 0 ER, 1 hit, 1 walk, 6 Ks, ERA at barely 3 since he came back and I dropped him when his ERA was at 7.35! Yo, seven thirty-five! 735! That’s not an ERA, that’s a passenger airplane! You know what this tells me? My process was right. Grayson was going to be good; he had bad mechanics in the first half. It sucks, but that’s not incorrect process — that’s bad luck. Should I have held him? I think that’s the only debatable mistake. I needed to drop him for my sanity at the time, so I could be crazier later when he did this.

Anthony Santander – 2-for-4, 2 runs, 3 RBIs and his 25th homer, hitting .256. The great thing about Santander, besides his name sounds like it could be said The Great Santander, is he will be reasonably priced again next year. No one is moving The Great Santander up boards.

CJ Abrams – 3-for-5. 2 runs and his 35th, 36th and 37th steal. Ceej is becoming a league winner.

Matt Chapman – Hit the IL with a middle finger sprain. A common injury for truck drivers.

Matt McLain – Hit the IL with an oblique strain. Nooooooooooooooo…*stops to eat a few tortilla chips*….ooooooooo! Right after weekly lineups locked too? You have to be kidding me?

Kyle Harrison – 6 1/3 IP, 0 ER, 5 baserunners, 11 Ks, ERA at 1.86. It’s funny when a guy comes up and does better in the majors than the minors. Not haha funny. The thign about Harrison is he has big time “stuff” but little control. If MLB hitters don’t know to be patient, he could succeed in the short-term.

Bryan Woo – 6 IP, 0 ER, 4 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA at 4.15. Woo is his name, and also me every time I see a pitcher available facing the A’s.

Julio Rodriguez – 4-for-5, 3 runs, 3 RBIs and his 24th homer, and 2nd homer in two games. Come for the M’s and you will get done.

J.P. Crawford – 2-for-4, 3 runs and his 12th homer, and 2nd homer in two games. Hot or everyone in the M’s lineup is hot? Like a teamster, I’d lean on the latter.

Max Muncy – 2-for-3, 2 RBIs and his 31st homer. Max is the Munciest!

Freddie Freeman – 1-for-5 and his 24th homer. Saw a few people saying Freeman could win the MVP over Acuña, which is just absurd. Sabermetrics have gone too far if that happens.

James Outman – 2-for-3, 2 RBIs and his 17th homer. More like Hits It Outman! Right?! No? Okay.

Frankie Montas – Unlikely to pitch this year. He will become a free agent this offseason, sign a contract that is incentive-loaded, fantasy baseballers (<–my mom’s term!) will get excited and Montas will throw less than 50 IP next year. Sorry, you don’t spend the money on a crystal ball and don’t use it.

Luis Severino – 7 IP, 0 ER, 5 hits, zero walks, 8 Ks, ERA at 6.64. And we’re back in! I guess. So, at this time of the year, I can’t be too picky, but Streamonator hates his next, and I don’t disagree.

Gleyber Torres – 2-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 21st homer, hitting .268. Feels like the only Yikes player who you can trust. Sure, Judge is great (hit his 29th homer last night), but he’s a top round guy. That doesn’t count. Sorry, my rules.

Ian Happ – 1-for-4 and his 16th homer. It’s madness that David Ross continues to hit him third, but, in the leagues where I have Happ, it helps–well, he could bat Happ third, fourth and fifth and it wouldn’t help, tee be aitch.

Christian Yelich – 2-for-5, 2 runs and his 17th homer. Mama mia! Oh, his homer was good too.

Yu Darvish – Hit the IL with “We heard some of you were actually considering starting him so we saved you the trouble.” It sounds like Darvish and Musgrove are going to be shelved the rest of the year, unless the Padres get back in playoff contention, which is very funny to write out.

Adam Wainwright – 6 IP, 1 ER, 11 baserunners, 1 K, ERA at 8.10. Oh no! He threw his best game of the year and he was out-pitched by Blake Snell (7 IP, 0 ER, 2 hits, five walks, 9 Ks, ERA at 2.60). Why am I so invested in Waino getting to 200 wins? I don’t know, but I am!

Paul Goldschmidt – 2-for-3 and his 22nd homer. Au Shizz!

Johan Oviedo – 9 IP, 0 ER, 4 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA at 4.20. Johan drank his oh V8 oh. You are hashtag blessed if you started Oviedo for the 2-start week. Seriously, I’d use your powers for the lottery, but praise on you for using your powers for starting Oviedo in fantasy. Streamonator doesn’t like his next, but, at this point, let’s giddy! Let’s up! Let’s–well, you know!

Jose Leclerc – 1 IP, 0 ER, ERA at 2.51, and his 2nd save. Aw shizz, here we go again! I grabbed him in one league, where I need saves, because I won’t the Rangers and Bochy turn to him? He’s closed before, it’s not that ludicrous.

Tylor Megill – 6 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 8 Ks, ERA at 5.29. “David Peterson and Megill doing well in back-to-back games? We’re going all the way, baby!” That’s a Mets fan who just woke from a four-month coma.

Brandon Nimmo – 1-for-3, 2 RBIs and his 19th homer. That’s a new career high of Nimmo finding ’em.

DJ Stewart – 1-for-2 and his 7th homer. Not much a conspiracy nut, but you’re telling me DJ Stewart and DJ LeMahieu are hot at the same time and this isn’t Big Deejay’s doing?

Daniel Palka – Signed with the Mets. That gives them two Daniels — Daniel Palka and Daniel Pigeon-After-Alka-Seltzer.