[brid autoplay=”true” video=”1385528″ player=”13959″ title=”2023 Fantasy Football Rookies” duration=”173″ description=”0:24 Jahmyr Gibbs 1:05 Kendre Miller 1:54 Jaxon Smith-Njigba ” uploaddate=”2023-08-19″ thumbnailurl=”https://cdn.brid.tv/live/partners/9233/snapshot/1385528_th_64e0200ad8139_1692409866.jpg” image=”https://cdn.brid.tv/live/partners/9233/snapshot/1385528_sd_64e0200ad8139_1692409866.jpg” contenturl=”https://cdn.brid.tv/live/partners/9233/sd/1385528.mp4″ width=”480″ height=”270″]

On Saturday, Jordan Wicks went 5 IP, 1 ER, 3 baserunners, 9 Ks, in his 1st major league start for the Cubs. Wicks Miss Sticks! Send it to the printer! Jordan Hicks but with a W. Copy that! Send it to the editor for approval! If you click anyone’s player page, you see their projections if they played 162 games. Wicks are, how do I say, not good. Hobbs had the most comprehensive breakdown of Wicks on the site, saying, “(H)igh-and-above the best left handed college arm in the class in Jordan Wicks, his pitch grades 55-FB, 65-CH, 55-SL, 45-CB,” but that’s from two years ago. The change is still beautiful and the fastball sits 93-ish. Feels like a four to five for fantasy, and a streamer for this year. Speaking of streamers, or Streamonator calls as they’re known in the industry — Sorry, it cracks me up when someone calls fantasy sports an industry. Living in your mom’s basement is not an industry, bro — anyhoo, Javier Assad went 7 IP, 1 ER, 5 baserunners, 7 Ks, ERA at 2.96. His peripherals look like dog shizz, which makes me think he can continue to be great. Fantasy Baseball Daddy, why did you make up into down for starters this year? Anyway, here’s what else I saw this weekend in fantasy baseball:

Jeimer Candelario – 1-for-5, 3 RBIs and his 19th homer, 2nd homer last week. Meh, people have already moved on, sorry!

Cody Bellinger – 3-for-5, 2 runs, 5 RBIs and his 18th steal, hitting .321. As TJ Lavin would say, Cody’s killing it.

Bailey Falter – 4 2/3 IP, 6 ER, ERA at 5.04. Well, the first half of the two-start week was going okay.

Joe Ryan – 5 IP, 1 ER, 7 baserunners, 7 Ks, ERA at 4.33 as he was activated from the IL. He’s been bad of late. Correction: He’s been atrocious. JR Ew’ing, and every hitter has a shot. I’m still intrigued, of course, because he can be an ace if he fixes his command and his first start back was promising.

Bailey Ober – 4 IP, 5 ER, ERA at 3.67. I love Ober, but it’s beyond time to move on.

Royce Lewis – 1-for-6, 4 RBIs and his 7th homer. If you wanna know why Lewis can be a superstar, find video of his homer from yesterday and watch it.

Jonah Heim – 1-for-6, 4 RBIs and his 15th homer. Wow, he’s back! Hit ’em with the Heim!

Aroldis Chapman – 1 IP, 1 ER, ERA at 2.37 and his 5th blown save. Rangers have two guys who can’t close, and that’s their best two closer candidates.

Eury Perez – 6 IP, 0 ER, 4 baserunners, 7 Ks, ERA at 2.68. Welp, his UCL is officially fusilli in 2024. He ain’t gonna be able to pitchanesca.

David Robertson – Replaced at closer. Tanner Scott (1 IP, 0 ER, and his 3rd save) is first in line, the Nardi party is next prolly. Maybe Andrew Juice Puk next.

Jorge Soler – 2-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 35th homer, 2nd homer in two games. I am going to howl at the moon for whoever gives Soler a deal this offseason for like $75 million.

Tyler Glasnow – 6 IP, 0 ER, 3 baserunners, 4 Ks, ERA at 3.12. If Glasnow can ever throw 175 IP, he will win the Cy Young. Too bad he’s never passed 100 IP in a season before.

Clarke Schmidt – 6 2/3 IP, 1 ER, 6 hits, zero walks, 5 Ks, ERA at Guess. C’mon he’s been solid, right? He has a 4.51 ERA. Meh, with that said, Streamonator is neutral on his next start, but I could see it.

Anthony Volpe – 1-for-3, 2 RBIs and his 18th homer. Volpe’s going to get a 2024 sleeper and people are gonna be like, “Yo, Grey, handsome face, but Volpe’s not a sleeper, you nimrod.” That hurts.

DJ LeMahieu – 1-for-4 and his 12th homer, 3rd homer in three games. Next year, drafting LeMahieu and McNeil just to name my team LeMc aka Royale with Cheese. All about drafting lousy players to make good team names.

Carlos Rodon – 4 2/3 IP, 2 ER, ERA at 5.97. Yankees’ coaches, “So, the guy who hasn’t been good all year hasn’t randomly gotten better? What’s up with that?”

Max Fried – 6 IP, 2 ER, 8 baserunners, 8 Ks, ERA at 2.85. Thought Fried was cooked, and he’s turning out to be barely battered.

Hunter Brown – 5 IP, 2 ER, 6 baserunners, 9 Ks, ERA at 4.47. About to start calling this guy Breakfast, because in the box score his name is H. Brown, and I’m all about those Hash Browns.

Kyle Tucker – 2-for-4, 3 runs, 2 RBIs and his 26th homer, hitting .292. Mr. H2H took deep Faedo. Deep Faedo was also inscrutable. I needed Cliff Notes for the Cliff Notes!

Jeremy Pena – 5-for-6, 3 runs, 3 RBIs, and a homer short of the cycle. You know the Astros did a thing when Pena’s even making people kick rocks. Also, in this game, Yainer Diaz (2-for-2, 2 runs, 2 RBIs) hit his 19th homer; Mauricio Dubon (3-for-6, 2 runs, 2 RBIs) hit his 7th and Martin Maldonado (2-for-4) hit his 11th. Everyone but Altuve was in the action. Ticker tease!

Carlos Carrasco – 1 2/3 IP, 5 ER, ERA at 6.80. Go to Crumbl, because that’s where Cookie’s at.

David Peterson – 7 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 8 Ks, ERA at 5.23. Even with a 5+ ERA, he has to do so little to get me excited for next year. Have a 3.00-ish ERA in September, and watch as I go zaba-zoom.

Griffin Canning – 7 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 9 Ks, ERA at 4.38. Angels pitchers are a ponzi scheme to get us to invest and lose money.

Luis Rengifo – 2-for-3 and his 12th homer. Out of Rengifo, Rendon, Grichuk, Walsh, Ward, Escobar, and Renfroe, Rengifo is the only pleasant surprise for the Angels this year. Ohtani’s been good? Dur, of course. But that’s not a surprise.

Freddy Peralta – 5 1/3 IP, 2 ER, 5 baserunners, 9 Ks, ERA at 3.95. Selfishly, I want his ERA over 4, so he’s more underrated next year. If he has a 3.99 ERA? Going around 150 in drafts. A 4.01? Going around 175. Watch.

Jake Cronenworth – Hit the IL with a fractured wrist. For what it’s Cronenworth, ouch. Ben Gamel, who puts the L in game, should see more playing time for you NL-Only’ers.

Gary Sanchez – 2-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 18th homer, and 2nd homer in three games. The Schmanchez rises!

Teoscar Hernandez – 2-for-3 and his 22nd homer, 3 homers in two games. M’s was short for Mess, but they’re turned around their entire season in 12 games. Here’s how: DONGS.

Julio Rodriguez – 2-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 23rd homer, hitting .281. Nurse says you wanna win. “That’s right.” Then I need to prescribe some DONGS.

Luis Castillo – 7 IP, 0 ER, 1 hit, 1 walk, 6 Ks, ERA at 3.01. Okay, their pitching’s been good too. Fine!

Slade Cecconi – 5 2/3 IP, 1 ER, 3 hits, zero walks, 5 Ks, ERA at 2.57. This em-effer said Slade Cecconi. That ain’t a pitcher, that’s a guy trying to sell me mesothelioma insurance.

Graham Ashcraft – 6 2/3 IP, 2 ER, 8 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA at 4.73. Got the wrong side of the Slade Cecconi, and his “If you’ve been around an open dumpster in the last 25 years, you might have a claim.”

Kyle Schwarber – 1-for-4 and his 36th homer. A lot has been made of his negative WAR, and I think that shows you that people fall in love with a stat; it gets shoved down our throats, and no one, ever, EVER! wants to admit it too is flawed.

Aaron Nola – 7 IP, 0 ER, 1 hit, 1 walk, 9 Ks, ERA at 4.30. It worked! Moving the fences out 400 feet in all directions when Nola pitches worked!

Triston Casas – 2-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 21st homer. Mojo dojo Casas!

Adam Duvall – 2-for-4, 2 runs and his 16th homer. I told you three or four times last week he’s a hot schmotato. He homers literally every day. I told you this.

Justin Turner – 1-for-2 and his 22nd homer. He has a chance to be top five for 2nd, 3rd and 1st basemen. Nucking futs.

Julio Urias – 6 IP, 6 ER, ERA at 4.41 vs. James Paxton – 4 1/3 IP, 4 ER, ERA at 3.99. This matchup was billed as, “I don’t know who’s pitching, because the announcers are discussing Mookie Betts’s return to Fenway for two hours and 45 minutes straight.”

Gavin Stone – 6 IP, 4 ER, 5 hits (3 HRs, lol), zero walks, 2 Ks, ERA at 10.50, as he was recalled. It’s humorous to me that he did this on my bench (weekly NL-Only), and when I put him in my lineup, it will be even worse (not that this was good).

Mookie Betts – 3-for-5, 2 runs, 3 RBIs and his 35th homer, hitting .315. Standing by the Red Sox dugout, Ken Rosenthal addressing the camera, “Mookie Betts could’ve stayed in Boston for less money and more racism. Instead, he chose Los Angeles, the question is why.”

James Outman – 2-for-5, 2 RBIs and his 16th homer. He is shockingly high on the Player Rater. That 2024 sleeper is going to write itself.

Mike Clevinger – 7 IP, 1 ER, 1 hit, 2 walks, 10 Ks, ERA at 3.32. This start was vs. the A’ss, but it’s gonna be hard to just write off a whole season where he’s been a lot better than I think anyone expected, especially after the rule changes.

Hyun-Jin Ryu – 5 IP, 2 ER, 4 hits, zero walks, 5 Ks, ERA at 2.25. He’s been fantastic when on the field, so you keep rolling him out there until further notice, unless you stunod. Ryu?

Davis Schneider – 2-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 5th homer, and three homers in three games. Last time he got hot, he was removed from the lineup, so we’ll see, but hot schmotato.

Jose Ramirez – 2-for-5, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and a slam (21) and legs (21). Someone’s got OCD. Also, in this game, Vlad Jr. hit his 20th homer, and they’re close in average and RBIs, and not close in steals. JoJo-Ram is about 70 spots higher on the Player Rater, which shows you how important five-category cats are.

Ramon Laureano – 3-for-4, 3 runs, 2 RBIs and his 8th homer, and 2nd homer in three games. Hot schmotato alert!

Logan Allen – 4 IP, 5 ER, ERA at 3.61. I got out too early a few weeks ago when I thought he was tiring, but now he really might be. Of course, don’t prematurely rosterbate like me, wait to see how he looks next time. Streamonator is not a fan, bee tee dubs.

Noah Syndergaard – Designated for assignment. He’s fallen so far his nickname, Thor, sounds sarcastic.

Jurickson Profar – Released by the Rockies, which is so Rockies it’s unbelievable. Why was Profar signed this past offseason? Why wasn’t he traded for literally anything in July? All valid questions that no one in the organization cares about. The Rockies called up Hunter Goodman (2-for-4, 1 run, 1 RBI), who has a chance to be a lede in this week’s Buy, or unmentioned again by me depending on Bud Black’s playing of him. Goodman is very interesting if he has catcher eligibility. Itch said yesterday, “With nine home runs in 15 Triple-A games, Rockies C Hunter Goodman has pushed his season total up to 34 bombs in 106 games across two levels. He’ll be a popular sleeper pick in draft and hold leagues this winter and could quickly assert himself as a top ten fantasy option if he’s given enough time to get acclimated to the major league level, and I’d like to level Grey.” Okay, not cool.

Michael Toglia – 1-for-4 and his 4th homer. Finally dropped him in an NL-Only league with Goodman’s promotion, so now watch as he gets hot.

Cedric Mullins – 1-for-2, 2 runs and his 12th homer. Mullins said goodbye to that ball with a lullaby.

Felix Bautista – Hit the IL with an injured UCL. It’s so bad they didn’t even announce how bad his UCL was yet. They’ll likely waiting for the swelling to subdue before saying, “Oh, man, that’s bad.” He’s out for the year and Yennier Cano, who should’ve been owned all year as a middle reliever, will now get saves. Random Prediction Alert! There’s going to be a scientific study done in the next ten years that says the worst thing you can do for your arm is throw 100 MPH, so they’re going to start teaching people to throw less hard and baseball’s aces will look like knuckleballers.