Yesterday, J.D. Martinez was traded to the Diamondbacks for Dawel Lugo, Sergio Alcantara and Jose King, a package that has been described by me as a .280, 40-homer hitter for Okay, Who Cares and So What. My visions of Yasmany Tomas returning and helping my NL-Only team went from “Hello, what’s your name, Pamela Sue?” to “No, my name is Pamela and I’m suing you for sexual harassment.” The ol’ 180 in the pants. Well, I’ll save the rest of my moans and/or groans for my shrink, since this is great news for Just Dong. That should be a 90 degree turn in the pants for Just Dong owners. Has he ever hit in Chase Field? Doesn’t matter, he’s about to love it. Outside of Coors and Miller, there’s no place I’d rather my player move for hitting and between-inning dips in a hot tub. (The Coors and Miller hot tubs are gnarly, by the way. “Did you say swell?” “No, I said swill.”) For FAAB, I’d go aggressively after Just Dong like he was the last guy to move to the NL, even if he might not be. He’s a 35-homer guy in Comerica. In Chase, he could be the equivalent to a 45-homer guy over the final ten weeks. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:
Robbie Ray – 6 IP, 2 ER, 7 baserunners, 4 Ks, ERA at 2.97 vs. Sal Romano – 4 IP, 6 ER, ERA at 7.50. Now MLB is trying to juice the roundups. A matchup of Ray Romano? Come on. Deny it, Manfred!
Zack Cozart – 3-for-4, 2 runs and his 10th homer, hitting .313. Hey, look who it is! Pre-All-Star break Zack Cozart! Hey, pre-All-Star Break Zack Cozart, say hello to your mother for me!
Todd Frazier – Acquired by the Yankees. Easy analysis: Sorry, Jaywrong, but anyone’s better than Chase Headley. Less obvious: The Yankees really needed a guy that will go 1-for-5 for five games, then homer? This feels like an early 2000’s Yankees’ move. It’s the naughts all over again, and they got a guy known for giving naught. Whatever the case, obviously a better lineup won’t hurt Frazier, but I’m fairly nonplussed by this move. The Yankees sent Blake Rutherford the other way. That’s gonna put a cramp on The House That Rutherford Built puns I was saving up.
David Robertson – Also, sent to the Yanks, and goodbye fantasy value. Well, he can supply some middle relief value, I suppose, but, yeah, unless Aroldis ties up a girl to a bedpost and gets busted, he’s the closer. Tommy Kahnle was also acquired by the Yankees, because they realize they’ll be lucky to get a solid five innings from their starters.
Didi Gregorius – 3-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 12th homer, and his 2nd homer in the last four games, though that was only in three days because Red Sox/Yankees played a doubleheader on Sunday. Incredibly, the doubleheader did not last a full 24 hours. What, I’m sandbagging zingers.
Bartolo Colon – 4 IP, 4 ER in his first game with the Twins. Yesterday was also Bartolo’s first game in Target Field. He was disappointed there was no snack food aisle. Let’s hope he never goes to KFC Yum! Center, because that kind of disappointment would be soul-crushing.
Miguel Sano – 2-for-4 and his 22nd homer. Sano? How about So-Yes?!
Yoan Moncada – Will be called up to replace Todd Frazier. Whoa, talk about burying the lede. Well, let’s see, we have Prospector Ralph’s take on Yoan Moncada; my take on Yoan Moncada; Son’s take on Yoan Moncada, kidding, you were just Rick Schroder rolled. I think we like Moncada, guys and five girl readers. As you can see from my post on him, I thought he’d be up way sooner than now. I’m a bit bummed he wasted away in Moncadaville for so many months, but he’s here now and I would grab him in every league. He’ll likely have strikeout problems, but he has an enticing combo of speed and power. Over the final seventy games, he could go 10/15/.240 with upside from there.
Anthony Swarzak – With Robertson and Kahnle moving, Swarzak is no longer only racist German slang, he’s now your new White Sox closer. He’s more than capable — 9.9 K/9, 2.3 BB/9, 2.47 ERA — and should be grabbed everywhere. Unless…
Tyler Clippard – Was also traded to the White Sox and has closer experience. Buh-buh-buh-buh, I want Swarzak to be the White Sox closer! Unfortch, this isn’t a crystal clear shituation, and Clippard or Swarzak could be the closer. They’re both owned in all my leagues to see how it shakes out; my guess is it will be General Swarzak.
Clayton Kershaw – 7 IP, 0 ER, 8 baserunners, 7 Ks, ERA at 2.07. This guy looks pretty good, anyone have a scouting report on him?
Chris Taylor – 4-for-5, 1 run and his 12th steal, hitting .300. On a no foolies tip, Taylor’s been hitting leadoff on most days for one of the best offenses in baseball. No idea why he’s on waivers.
Nick Castellanos – 4-for-5, 5 RBIs and his 13th and 14th homers, and three homers in two games, and fifteen homers in ten days. For selfish reasons, I hope Castellanos calms himself a little, because I want to make him Friday’s lede Buy. I’m such a crab! Wait, that’s shellfish, my bad.
Gerardo Parra – 3-for-3, 3 runs, 1 RBI as he hit 3rd, hitting .352. Do what you want, Castellanos, I have Parra to fall back on.
Austin Hedges – Hit the concussion DL as the Padres spend a series in Coors. You got some timing, man. It’s like taking a Viagra then jumping in an ice bath.
Carlos Asuaje – 2-for-5, 2 runs and his 1st homer, and three hits the game before, but it’s Coors so this schmotato run might end quicker than I can say Asuaje. A-sue-ah-jay?
Carlos Correa – Out for six to eight weeks with a torn thumb ligament. Looks like Correa’s thumb ligament went bimimbap. Fun fact! The Korean boy band, Han Sun, had a one-hit wonder with the song, Bibimbap. Bee-bap, bibimbap, bee-bap, bibimbap…. I’m not embarrassed to admit I sing that every time I go into a Korean restaurant. It’s met with blank stares and/or diverted eyes. Yet, people are still more receptive to that than when I go into an Ethiopian restaurant and ask, “Man, who else here is starving?” I was going to say yesterday that Correa looked to be in a whole lot more pain than a jammed finger, and, seriously, who jams their finger on a swing and miss? Have you seen the replay of the injury? If anything, it looked like he dislocated his shoulder he swung and missed so hard. Well, it sucks if you own him, and you can likely drop him if you have no room to wait.
Collin McHugh – Will make his season debut on Saturday. He wasn’t flat-out gorge in his rehab (6.6 K/9, 3.60 ERA in 15 IP in Double-A), and the problem was with his elbow, so, yeah, I’ll give that a bouncy wait-and-see.
Brad Peacock – 7 IP, 1 ER, 4 baserunners, 9 Ks, ERA at 2.49. Damn, he threw 109 pitches yesterday too. Pretty stretched out for Peacock. Hehe. What? He gets a tasty next matchup that the Stream-o-Nator full endorses.
Evan Gattis – 2-for-3, and his 9th and 10th homer. Someone’s ears must’ve been ringing because I just mentioned Gattis yesterday as a guy Zunino was impersonating. Gattis is like, “Nobody impersonates me except Rich Little.”
Danny Salazar – Could return this week. Halp and I talk about Salazar’s return on yesterday’s podcast. It’s also the premiere of my new microphone that makes you think, “Grey finally figured out people need to hear him.”
Mike Clevinger – 6 IP, 0 ER, 5 baserunners, 7 Ks, ERA at 2.73. Nope, I have no idea why you don’t own him either. Yup, I told you for about a month to grab him. Geez, this conversation feels very one-sided.
John Lackey – 5 IP, 1 ER, 7 baserunners, 1 K, ERA at 5.04, as he was activated for the start. It’s not scientific. I just need to bench him for him to pitch decently.
Willson Contreras – 1-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 13th homer. Since the break, he’s hitting near-.450, though the entire Cubs team is now suddenly doing well. Who has a three month hangover? *doorbell rings* Hello, 24-year-old self? Oh, hey. Yeah, you’re right, our hangover was easily four years long.
Cameron Maybin – Left yesterday’s game with a knee injury. That’s so Maybin!
Edwin Jackson – 7 IP, 2 ER, 3 baserunners, 3 Ks, ERA at 4.50. Five over-the-internet dollars says it’s revealed Edwin married one of Dusty’s daughters. No matter where Dusty is Edwin always shows up there.
Bryce Harper – 4-for-4, 2 runs, and his 24th homer. Also, in this game, Mike Trout hit his 17th homer. Who are these guys? Anyone have a clue?
Ryan Madson – 1 IP, 0 ER…in the 8th inning, and Sean Doolittle – 1 IP, 1 ER for the save. I legitimately believe before they were called into the game Dusty either didn’t realize Madson was the righty and Doolittle was the lefty or had no clue it was only the 8th inning. I’d own both of them for now, but obviously this flip-flops originally how we thought the ninth inning was going to play out.
Xander Bogaerts – Scratched with a sore hand. Scratching sounds like the worst thing for him!
Dustin Pedroia – 2-for-7, 2 RBIs and his 5th homer. Weird, I thought Pedroia was hotter than just having five home runs on the year. Watch out, the Fantasy Master Lothario’s about to do some research! Pedroia has been hitting near-.370 in July with three homers, so he’s been hot (for him).
Hanley Ramirez – 2-for-6 and his 15th homer. Here comes 2nd half Hanley! Dot dot dot. Maybe. In fact, can we just call him Maybe Ramirez?
Michael Wacha – 9 IP, 0 ER, 4 baserunners, 8 Ks, ERA 3.71. Well, hello there! *looks at Stream-o-Nator for his next start* …And I’m gonna leave Wacha alone for now, but I will cyclops him with a monocle.
Giancarlo Stanton – 1-for-4 and his 29th homer, and 3rd homer in two games. Anyone betting me Giancarlo has more homers than Judge by the end of the season? C’mon, no one wants any of this action?
Vince Velasquez – 6 IP, 1 ER, 5 baserunners, 4 Ks, ERA at 5.14 in his return to big league action. Was he injured, fake injured because he was terrible or demoted? I legit don’t remember and my Google is broke. Well, I’ve been a sucker for Velasquez since hundreds had small faces, and picked him up in one of my leagues. Stop staring at me, my pitching is ugly in some leagues and I need some gambles!
Maikel Franco – 3-for-4 and his 14th homer, hitting .230. I just opened Franco’s player page (click on his name; it’ll earn me .00000001 of a cent), hoping to see Maikel has been hot recently, but, um, well, he homered yesterday.
Nick Williams – 2-for-5, 2 RBIs and his 3rd homer, hitting .302, and hit in the three hole last night, which is kinda hilarious in a latch-key kid kinda way. Is anyone home to bat third? No? Okay, Nick, make dinner.
Blake Snell – 4 IP, 3 ER, 6 baserunners (3 BBs), 6 Ks, ERA at 4.98. I love Snell, but he’s the epitome of a roofie no matter how long ago he lost his rookie eligibility. He can easily go 6 IP, 0 ER, 9 Ks with six walks or 6 IP, 6 ER, 9 Ks with six walks.
Steven Souza – 1-for-4 and his 20th homer, now has three homers in four games. Is he available in leagues? I’ve owned him since Opening Day in one league, and haven’t considered dropping him. Ya know, it’s that whole 32-homer, 100 RBI pace.
Khris Davis – 1-for-3, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 27th homer. Okay, Judge, Khris or Giancarlo? Who will hit the most homers this year? I’m still going with my baby bae boo, but Davis is in the convo.
Santiago Casilla – 2/3 IP, 2 ER and his 5th blown save. I’m not sure how much lead time the Nationals need to send a reliever to fill-in for Casilla. Guess it depends on where the Nats and A’s are playing.
Trey Mancini – 2-for-5, 2 RBIs and his 15th homer. He’s hitting around .150 in the last week, so maybe this is the start of something, but there hasn’t been a ton Treycently.
Chris Davis – 2-for-4, 6 RBIs and his 15th and 16th homer. Chris Davis finishes reading the storybook titled, “2017 MLB Season.” Davis’ eyes light up, realizing, “Wait, the balls we’re using are juiced?!”
Dylan Bundy – 6 IP, 1 ER, 5 baserunners, 4 Ks, ERA at 4.18. Wow, the Orioles haven’t ruined all of their starters? Hmm, I’m just gonna leave a ‘yet’ here.
Seth Smith – 2-for-4, 2 runs and his 11th homer, and 2nd homer in as many games. Hot thomato alert!
Tyson Ross – 3 1/3 IP, 8 ER, ERA at 7.22. Tyson Ross with a helluva start. Helluva pronounced by making a muffled barf sound.
Starling Marte – 1-for-3, 1 run as he hit leadoff in his return from his suspension. He said, “When I put on that uniform, I want to represent this team. I don’t want to be a distraction anymore.” Um, not to be that guy, but while he was away no one thought about him and now isn’t he a distraction by playing again?
Josh Harrison – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 11th homer, hitting .272. This was his first hit of the 2nd half. That’s a sad looking pie chart.
Travis Shaw – 3-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 23rd homer. And he’s tied Thames for the Brewers’ home run lead. C’mon, like you thought that shizz was gonna happen in April.
Stephen Vogt – Out a month with an MCL sprain. Damn, he really tore up his 1150. Now the Brewers have to DL him and figure out a 2nd catcher. Figures with an MCL, it’s all so Byzantine.
