It’s Jamaica Time In MLB As Roster Fairy In Paradise

Happy Labor Day to all the women currently in labor. And to Tony Blair’s political party. And to my High School gym teacher who called every janitor Manual Labor. Together, you have made this world a better place. Okay, less so my gym teacher. Though, as a guy who also goes to work in shorts, I salute you. With a holiday that is mostly about a day off from work, teams did some work yesterday expanding their rosters by one hitter and one pitcher. Member when they’d expand to 40 men? We’d say rosters went from an oil can of Fosters to a St. Ideas and howl in laughter. There would be so many guys no one heard of. Now there’s guys who no one’s heard of playing for the White Sox. Any hoo! One of the biggest call-ups is the Guards’ Kyle Manzardo (2-for-3 and and his 1st and 2nd homer). He looks like a poor man’s Josh Naylor, which is a little odd since they have the real thing. You don’t mash the tomatoes and make homemade ketchup when you have Heinz in the cabinet. Manzardo went 20/3/.267 in Triple-A in 83 games, after flaming out in the majors earlier this year. He’s still only 24 with potential, but unless he’s getting regular at-bats, there’s not much here for weekly leagues. Pick him up if you need a corner infidel with power if you’re in a daily league and can switch him out when he’s not playing, if it’s not too much labor for you. Anyway, here’s what else I saw this weekend in fantasy baseball:

Alex Cobb – 6 IP, 0 ER, 2 hits, zero walks, 6 Ks, ERA at 2.76. Was throwing a perfect game through six innings, and I thought to myself, “Self, why the hell didn’t you stream him?” And self said back, “Dude, are you okay? You’re talking to yourself.” Streamonator hates his next one and I agree.

Jose Ramirez – 2-for-5, 2 runs and his 34th homer, hitting .275. JoRam is gonna hit 40 homers this year, and still be underrated! Also, no one talks about him in the MVP discussion.

Andres Gimenez – 1-for-5 and his 7th homer, and 2nd homer in three games. And-Gim isn’t just a middle schooler listing his favorite classes!

Luis L. Ortiz – 6 IP, 0 ER, 1 hit, 3 walks, 5 Ks, ERA at 3.19 vs. Matthew Boyd – 6 IP, 1 ER, 4 hits, zero walks, 8 Ks, ERA at 2.38. This matchup was billed as, “If you rostered them, they’d both give up a bazillion runs. Since you don’t, they’re both aces.” They both have 7-ish K/9, Boyd’s slightly more interesting, but barely, and only if the matchup is right.

Aroldis Chapman – 1 IP, 0 ER, ERA at 3.48, and the save on Saturday. Shit-the-Bednar was removed from the closer role. Pirates said, “We made the mistake of having a guy close games with ‘Shit-the-Bed’ in his name, so that’s prolly on us.” Would add Aroldis Chapman anywhere I needed saves.

Coby Mayo – 1-for-2, 1 run as he was recalled. We love Mayo, and not just because this white bread needs something. With Urias hitting the IL, Mayo could see ABs. Worth a pick up for a corner infidel power bat.

Zach Eflin – 7 IP, 1 ER, 5 baserunners, 9 Ks, ERA at 3.60, and this start was in Coors. Not to sound like the CIA in Cuba doing psychological warfare, but we must dismantle every humidor.

Reid Detmers – Called up by the Angels. First the Angels call up Johnny Cueto, and now Detmers? Damn, they’re gonna look so good for the 2019 season!

Caden Dana– 6 IP, 2 ER, 6 baserunners, 4 Ks as he was called up. Dana, you might know from being your high school sweetheart, and Caden was the boy you had with Dana when you were 19. By the by, Dana was born in 2003, Rich Hill debuted in 2005. I sorta half-mentioned Dana the other day because I get lazy sometimes. Nothing says not lazy like quoting someone else, so here’s Itch’s thoughts, “A prototypical innings-eater type at 6’4” 215 lbs with easy velocity and three off-speed pitches, Dana repeats his delivery well and commands his arsenal with a deftness beyond his years. In 68.1 innings across two levels, he recorded a 3.56 ERA and 1.19 WHIP with 89 strikeouts. Should open this season in Double-A and next season on some sleeper lists, and I’d put Grey in a sleeper hold from which he would never wake.” Not cool. Between Dana and Sam Aldepizza, Angels have interesting arms (which they will turn into Detmers or one of their other dozen pitching prospects that never panned out).

Tommy Pham – 2-for-5 as he was claimed by the Royals, and hit leadoff. Taking a guy who couldn’t crack it on a few loser teams, then putting him at leadoff on a playoff-contending team is pure Galaxy Brain with Shiny New Toy Syndrome. Also, with Tommy in KC, I could see a scenario where Pham loses his fantasy football week and accosts Mahomes.

Bobby Witt Jr. – 1-for-4 and his 30th homer, 2nd homer in two games. Absolutely winning the AL MVP! (If he hits 25 homers in September.)

Yuli Gurriel – 1-for-3, 1 RBI. Traded to the Royals. He should take over a bunch of ABs for the injured Vinnie Pasketti, and Pham said he’s a good fantasy football commissioner.

Cole Ragans – 5 IP, 5 ER, ERA at 3.46. I broke a cardinal rule — no, “trade a bad outfielder to make them good” is a Cardinals’ rule — my cardinal rule I broke was I traded for a guy who I said was a schmohawk, and Ragans has been so lackluster since.

Yusei Kikuchi – 7 IP, 1 ER, 5 hits, zero walks, 12 Ks, ERA at 4.24. Love how everyone is genuinely convinced there’s nothing weird going on that Kikuchi became an ace after going to the Astros. [whistling] Ho-hum, nothing to see here.

Yordan Alvarez – 2-for-4 and his 29th and 30th homer. Happy for him to reach His Bare Minimum.

Tarik Skubal – 8 IP, 1 ER, 4 hits, zero walks, 8 Ks, ERA at 2.51. Got no skin in the game here. Don’t roster Skubal anywhere, won’t next year because he’ll be too pricey. With that said, they should shut him down.

Spencer Torkelson – 1-for-3, 2 RBIs and his 8th homer. Been a schmotato for a minute, but an Urban Dictionary minute which is more time than a minute.

Riley Greene – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 20th homer. Still like Riley, so don’t take this the wrong way, but the Tigers are where fantasy value goes to die.

Steven Matz – Activated from the IL. Opposing hitters gotta be excited about that!

Jordan Walker – 5-for-5, 4 runs, 3 RBIs and a slam (1) and legs (1). Okay, but if he hits 27 homers in September, everyone’s gonna look so stupid for not drafting him! He’s supposedly going to play every day in September. Not sure why the Cards thought that was a good idea now and not, like, 19 months ago. I could see grabbing him, because I do still think he’s crazy talented.

Luken Baker – 1-for-3, 2 RBIs and his 2nd homer. He is an all-power guy, who might hit .210, if he’s lucky. It is extremely comical how Marmol thinks that’s a two-hole hitter.

Jasson Dominguez – Was not called up. He’s hitting .383 with a 1.039 OPS in his last 14 games, but the Yankees can get an extra draft pick after the 1st round in 2026 if he wins the 2025 AL ROY. A potential extra draft pick in roughly 20 months is obviously more important than winning now. Instead, the Yanks brought back Anthony Rizzo.

Giancarlo Stanton – 2-for-3 and his 24th homer. Thank you, Gian, may I have another?

Nestor Cortes – 4 IP, 5 ER, ERA at 4.08. Mr. Unreliable is Cortes and not just something that sounds like a Counting Crows song.

Jake Fraley – 1-for-3 and his 4th homer, as he was activated from the IL. If you saw Fraley has four homers on the year, you might think he’s been on the IL for a long time. Well, you’d be wrong! He’s played in almost 100 games this year. “Home runs are way down, huh?” That’s Jake Fraley commenting on Jake Fraley.

Willy Adames – 1-for-5 and his 28th homer. Can we all take a quick moment to bow our heads and pray the Brewers win the World Series because I bet they would? Solemnly, “Amen.”

Randal Grichuk – 3-for-5, 3 runs, 4 RBIs and his 6th homer, and 2nd homer in three games, but not the DBags’ last three games, so you have to play platoons for the schmotato.

Eugenio Suarez – 2-for-5, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 22nd homer. Wouldn’t want any part of the DBags’ offense if you’re streaming a potential steamer.

Lourdes Gurriel Jr. – Will undergo an MRI on his left calf. Perhaps the universe can only handle one Gurriel.

Michael Harris II – 1-for-5  and his 9th homer, hitting .245. Megahertz has mega hurt fantasy teams this year.

Spencer Schwellenbach – 5 2/3 IP, 2 ER, 6 baserunners, 2 Ks, ERA at 3.69. Strider’s due back almost the same time as Schwellenbach is due to be shut down with elbow soreness from overwork this year. What a coinkydink!

Zebby Matthews – 2 IP, 9 ER, ERA at 7.41. Hey, do you mind if I leave my Diet Cherry Cola on the bar of this al-Qaeda-run bar and grill? Thanks! Need to hit the head!…[four hours later]…is that guy feeding my liver to his iguana? AHHHH!!! Roofie!!!

Bailey Ober – 6 IP, 1 ER, 1 hit, 3 walks, 8 Ks, ERA at 3.95. Not a bad start, said Mr. Obvious as he picked up the hammer and saw, but three walks from Ober tells me he’s not actually okay. Next start @KC might be a disaster.

Royce Lewis – 1-for-3, 2 runs, 3 RBIs and his 16th homer in 12 games. He homered off Chad Green (1 IP, 3 ER, ERA at 2.17) in the 8th inning. Green was in the game because the Jays’ manager John Schneider is a literal moron.

Ernie Clement – 2-for-5, 2 runs and a slam (11) and legs (11). Having a nice 2nd half and he has OCD, so easy to root for!

Griffin Conine – 2-for-4 and his 1st homer on Saturday. Conine is a Quad-A player with power, who might not hit .200, who was called up by the Marlins. You can call him, Nepo Baby.

Logan Webb – 6 IP, 6 ER, ERA at 3.43. Against the MIA Marlins? Losing your shizz vs. a team who is hitting Kyle Stowers (1-for-4, 3 RBIs, 3rd homer) leadoff is just so sad.

Sean Manaea – 7 IP, 0 ER, 4 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA at 3.35. Starting September off right, and talk about consistent, his previous six months’ ERAs: 3.07, 3.27, 5.40, 2.70, 3.52. About as steady as they come.

Garrett Crochet – 3 1/3 IP, 1 ER, ERA at 3.61. I don’t know, starting a guy who should be shut down to avoid your 107th loss feels slightly dumb.

Cody Bradford – 7 IP, 2 ER, 4 hits, zero walks, 8 Ks, ERA at 3.21. Ya know what he could be next year? Seth Lugo this year.

Josh Jung – 2-for-5, 3 RBIs and his 5th homer. Someone check in on Bruce Bochy’s giant medulla oblongata to see if he’s still paying attention, because, while Josh H. Smith (1-for-5, 1 RBI) was fine when Jung first returned, he’s hitting around .215 since August 1st and there’s no reason Smith should be hitting third and Jung down at sixth.

Jackson Merrill – 1-for-5, 2 RBIs and his 21st homer. If you drafted Merrill before Langford in March, you would’ve been committed to a Crackers Factory, and burnt at a stake now for being a witch.

Shane Baz – 5 IP, 2 ER, 5 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA at 3.49. Streamonator projected him for a 5 1/3 IP, 2 ER, 6 baserunners, 4 Ks. Geez, a full 1/3 IP, strikeout and a baserunner off!

Ryan Pepiot – 3 IP, 3 ER, 8 baserunners, 4 Ks, ERA at 3.76, as he was pulled with 89 pitches. Elias Sports Bureau said, “89 pitches in three innings gotta be some kinda record, but our files were corrupted when a can of La Croix exploded.”

Javier Assad – 6 IP, 3 ER, 10 baserunners, 4 Ks, ERA at 3.21. He hasn’t given up more than 3 ER since June 23rd. Cust kayin’.

Pete Crow-Armstrong – 3-for-5, 2 runs. Be careful of the Cubs (and DBags). Lately been acting like the 1927 Cubs. Hmm, that year doesn’t exactly work for the Cubs.

Darren Baker – 1-for-1, as he pinch-hit. That’s right, Dusty Baker’s son was called up by the Nats. Or rather, he was carried up to meet the MLB team by JT Snow.