Hurler Quinn Clowns The Giants

Cardinals won’t make the playoffs, but they should’ve been a 100-loss team and they might end up at .500. That takes ingenuity. Like parallel parking a golf cart while drinking six beers out of a boot. Ingenuity does not show up on the leaderboards. You’re not going to find ingenuity as a category in your fantasy league (unless you’re in one of those dumb leagues with like errors, HBPs and ingenuity). But ingenuity goes unaccounted for too often when we’re playing this game called fantasy baseball (sound like Winston Churchill in my head). Teams’ culture and ingenuity (and Devil Magic when speaking about the Cardinals, specifically). Those things matter. The Angels sucked because of a lack of ingenuity. Cardinals though? They’re better for it. Enter Quinn Mathews (6 2/3 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 8 Ks, ERA at 3.62). You look at his underlying numbers (8.7 K/9, 3.9 BB/9, 4.12 xFIP); his insane walk rate in the minors (5.6 BB/9, um wut?) and his under-94 MPH fastball and it’s meh, guys and five girl readers. But the Cardinals don’t let meh coast on its meh-ness! Cardinals step meh up and say go be slightly better than mediocre! Or at least as good as McGreevy. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Alec Burleson – 2-for-3, 1 RBI, hitting .285. He leads the majors in RBIs with 110. Cards’ Devil Magic!

Rafael Devers – Will undergo core surgery today and I will be performing it. Devers should be ready for Spring Training. Fingers crossed! Not mine though!

Clarke Schmidt – Will be returning from Tommy John surgery this week. Wish I could put how inconsequential this news is in a little capsule and feed it to everyone who asks next March questions like, “Grey, handsome stuff on your face. Anyway, why do you hate Pablo Lopez? Sounds like he could be back by May, might want to boost him in your rankings.”

Will Warren – 5 2/3 IP, 0 ER, 7 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 3.89. He’s turned around his bad 2nd half in the last few starts. ACKSUALLY, now that I look at his game log, Warren hasn’t been bad in about a month. Streamonator hates his next one in Arizona, but I don’t mind it.

Jose Caballero – 2-for-4, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and a slam (14) and legs (32). Made him my batty call in one league and now I might ask him to stay for breakfast, lunch and dinner until Tuesday’s game.

Aaron Judge – 1-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 18th homer. Eighteen homers for Judge wouldn’t be bad. Dot dot dot. If this were May. He only has four more homers than Caballero!

Josh Bell – 2-for-4, 2 runs and his 20th homer, 2nd homer in four games. That means he’s due for another in the next three. This is Bell Math.

Dean Kremer – 5 2/3 IP, 1 ER, 3 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA at 5.35. His opponent, the Yankees, have these games where their hitting looks like ’27 Yankees. Not the 1927 Yankees, and obviously not next year’s yet, but the 1827 Yankees. A group of barnstormers who never heard of baseball and used fruit bats to suck scurvy out of their blood.

Reynaldo Lopez – 3 IP, 5 ER, ERA at 4.54, and headed back to the IL with shoulder soreness. A Braves’ beat reporter said, “Lopez made just one start before undergoing shoulder surgery last year. He has posted a 4.54 ERA over 79.1 IP this year and with lingering shoulder issues his value next year seems questionable.” Yeah, you don’t say!

David Peterson – 6 IP, 0 ER, 6 baserunners, 7 Ks, ERA at 5.05. Cubs managed to figure out a way to have the wind blowing in when their pitchers are pitching and blowing out when their hitters are hitting.

Pete Crow-Armstrong – 4-for-5, 4 RBIs and a slam (42) and legs (37), hitting .281. PCA better stop hitting the ball out of the stadium so he can get to 40/40.

Jonah Tong – 6 IP, 0 ER, 5 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 3.43. Streamonator loved this start for Tong and hates his next one, and I don’t trust Tong, but we’re at the “hold onto your hat” portion of the season

A.J. Ewing – 1-for-3 and his 10th homer. Soto and Lindor will be based on where you are drafting, but in 2027 can we say Benge and Ewing are 2027 sleepers, if they weren’t on the Mets?

Brandon Young – 5 IP, 1 ER, 10 baserunners (5 BBs), 6 Ks, ERA at 3.65. I should be hired by teams for situations that always arise, and all I’ll do is say, “Nuh-uh.” I’m The Nuh-Uh Guy. Here, I’ll show you what I mean: Front office exec, “We have a good one in Brandon Young.” I walk by and poke my head in, “Nuh-uh.”

Gunnar Henderson – 1-for-4 and his 23rd homer. How cool is this, I thought he retired. Or did he retire and return for one final game?

Troy Melton – 2 2/3 IP, 2 ER, ERA at 2.52. I watched this start (mostly I watched to see if I could cool off Vlad Jr.’s hot hitting and mission accomplished), and I’m not even sure how Melton threw 76 pitches, gave up nine baserunners in under three innings and only allowed two runs.

Kazuma Okamoto – 1-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 33rd homer. Yeah, okay, but Murakami’s gonna hit 40 points lower than him in average, so there!

Kade Anderson – 4 1/3 IP, 5 ER, ERA at 5.33. Who’s the Mariners’ pitching coach and can they be fired?

Cal Raleigh – 1-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 22nd homer. He’s hitting .181. Not to get all Gregorian on you, but it’s the middle of September.

J.P. Crawford – 2-for-5 and his 12th homer, 2nd homer in three games. John Paulringogeorge Crawford seems to be a hot schmotato.

Reid Detmers – 6 IP, 3 ER, 8 baserunners, 8 Ks, ERA at 3.36. Wouldn’t say I’ve had the most stellar year in my RCL; it’s actually been my worst year I think, but I did make a pickup and hold of Detmers and I’m holding onto that as a highlight. When the season ends, I will forget it the next day. But for right now, it feels good to cherish it!

Edwin Diaz – This is how I heard the latest on Edwin. I saw a news article that said, “Dave Roberts talks about the latest with Edwin Diaz.” Okay, so I opened that and Roberts said, “(Edwin) needs to pitch better in rehab.” So I was like, “Okay, how bad could it be,” so I then opened his latest numbers and he’s thrown 3 1/3 IP and given up six earned with seven walks. Howling! Bro, what happened to Edwin Diaz? He’s the closer in March of next year, where does he get drafted and are you interested at all? The bounce back is alluring, but he might just be broke. Wouldn’t be the first time it happened to someone.

Emmet Sheehan – Sent down to the minors as Roki Sasaki and Kris Bubic return. Can’t say I’m that mad about it, because I had dropped Sheehan in a 12 out of 10 rage and I didn’t want to see him succeed.

Tarik Skubal – 7 IP, 0 ER, 4 baserunners, 9 Ks, ERA at 2.70. Dodgers have so many stars sometimes I forget they also have arguably the top pitcher in baseball, at least he was coming into this year.

Teoscar Hernandez – 1-for-3, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and a slam (14) and legs (5), hitting .265. Last night was Teoscar’s night, and Teemmy’s.

Kyle Tucker – 1-for-2, 2 runs and a slam (15) and legs (11), hitting .227. Rooting for Tucker to have a huge postseason so some poor saps out there draft him next year. Enjoy, saps!

Nick Lodolo – 7 IP, 4 ER, 7 baserunners (4 BBs), 4 Ks, ERA at 5.12. If you ever think you had a bad year, remember Lodolo lost a full year to a blister.

Elly De La Cruz – 1-for-4 and his 27th homer, hitting .284. E!’s put to bed any whispers of a bad 2nd half hitter. Now come back next year and go 30/50!

Gavin Williams – 5 IP, 1 ER, 7 baserunners, 7 Ks, ERA at 3.72. Polar opposite feelings to mine on Kyle Tucker. I want the Guards eliminated and Gavin to go home and rest his arm for the next six months, so I can confidently draft him next year.

Miguel Vargas – 2-for-4, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and a slam (31) and legs (19), hitting .249. Had a thought that the White Sox, as a team, had a terrible K% and 2nd half offense, in general, but the stats didn’t pan out. They did hit .224 in the 2nd half, which is 29th. Other stats were middle-ish. Different than Middle Earth. That’s Mordor Vargas.

Corbin Burnes – 4 2/3 IP, 5 ER, ERA at 5.87. Has any pitcher ever come back from surgery and pitched well? A question, I ponder.

Jordan Lawlar – 2-for-4, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and a slam (5) and legs (5). Lots of slams and legses for a short schedule day. I’d ask Lawlar to count them all but he’d hurt his quad and miss the rest of the season.

Javier Sanoja – 2-for-4, 2 runs, 3 RBIs and a slam (9) and legs (11). Might be misremembering this, but it feels like Sanoja has been hot for the better part of the 2nd half.

Pete Fairbanks – Walked the leadoff man, then was removed from the game because the next batter up was not a barn, so he had no chance of hitting it. Gotta assume he’s headed back to the IL and likely done for the year. My guess would be Calvin Faucher, but it could be Tyler Zuber or The Staircase’s Michael Petersen.

Jesus Sanchez – Claimed off waivers by the DBags. Hearing this is the first time there’s been a Jesus in the desert. Not into learning anything new, so that’ll have to be true for me.

Corbin Carroll – 2-for-5, 3 RBIs and his 21st homer, hitting .240. After the walk-off homer, the DBags’ announcer exclaimed, “The DBacks are the comebackiest team in the majors once again!” D-ComeBackiest was right there.

Cole Carrigg – 2-for-5 and his 8th homer, hitting .261. 2027 sleeper? Absolutely short-listed. Even if he didn’t play his home games in Coors.

Manny Machado – 1-for-5, and his 28th homer, and 2nd homer in two games. Macho, macho, Machado!

Fernando Tatis Jr. – 1-for-5, 2 RBIs and his 22nd homer. Fun The Jewels! His bat speed is so juicy, I regret to inform I will be a Fer-Stando again next year.

Ty France – 3-for-5, 1 run, 1 RBI as he was activated from the paternity list. Sending congrats to France and his wife as they welcomed into the world an eight-pound, three-ounce croque monsieur.