The other day I made the best purchase of my life (okay, of the last week). I bought a thermometer that has a laser beam on it. You shoot the laser on the object and it tells you its exact temperature. It’s meant–Actually, I don’t know what it’s meant for. I bought it because our oven seems to be about 100 degrees off. Though, I got it five days ago and I haven’t used it for the oven once, but have measured the temperature of about twelve hundred other things. The coldest drinking water I’ve had was 49 degrees at this pizzeria around the corner from my house. Oh, yeah, I’ve been taking this out with me. I’ll go up to people on the street, shoot their temperature and be like, “You have a fever, you might want to take an aspirin.” I like to put on my flip flops when they’re between 68 to 71 degrees. Any colder and it stiffens my toes, any warmer and it raises my body temperature a full .4 degrees. I know this because I have a thermometer with a frickin laser on it! So, how does this relate to fantasy baseball? I was watching Justin Bour slug his 23rd homer yesterday, his 2nd of two homers in the game, and I shot his temperature. A blistering 109 degrees! Doode’s fahrenhot! Doode is straight butter that a professional hibachi chef puts on a sizzling lobster tail! Doode’s Kurt Russell in Backdraft! Yes, you should own him. In fact (Grey’s gonna say more!), you should’ve owned him for the last few months. Anyway, here’s what else I saw this weekend in fantasy baseball:
Giancarlo Stanton – Marlins will make a decision soon on whether or not Giancarlo will return this year. The Marlins are quite snappy in their decision-making process. If they wait another week, he can get activated for the playoffs that they won’t be a part of. Their decision making has gotten them in trouble before. When the sculptor they hired to make their center field centerpiece was contracted, they told him, “We haven’t decided on exactly what we want, but we’re thinking we want a giant Marlin…Unicorn…Aquarium vomit…Rainbow sherbert…With movement.”
Marcell Ozuna – 2-for-4, 2 runs and his 10th homer, hitting over .350 in the last week. OZUNA eat baseballs for breakfast. OZUNA’s poop comes out with 108 stitches.
J.T. Realmuto – 2-for-4 and his 8th steal. I streamed him into my lineup yesterday, after telling you in this past Buy to grab him. Like Steve Winwood once told us, if you see a chance to stream a catcher, you take it. I’d like to see Steve Winwood and Ron Popeil debate their various catching philosophies.
Shelby Miller – 5 1/3 IP, 4 ER, 8 baserunners, 2 Ks, ERA up to 3.10. His 1st half ERA was 2.38; his ERA in the 2nd half is over 4. Maybe Shelby should go to a Hooters to try to shake The Regression Fairies.
Chris Archer – 3 2/3 IP, 9 ER. The good news, next year’s drafters will look at his overall ERA and get a lesser impression of Archer than reality. The bad news, everything else. Seriously, I can’t imagine one more positive. He wasn’t hurt, but, after that start, it might’ve made me feel better if he was hurt. In this game, his WHIP was 4.09. 4.09?! When your WHIP in a game is a bad ERA, you should be sending Get Well cards to all the fantasy teams that you destroyed.
Carlos Martinez – Done for the year due to a strained right shoulder. If I were a speculating man, I’d say he heard the Cardinals plan to throw him for another fifty innings over his previous career high and conjured up an injury.
Jaime Garcia – 8 IP, 1 ER, 7 baserunners, 8 Ks, ERA at 2.36. That’s not in like 30 IP either. He’s now thrown 125 2/3 IP. And has a 2.36 ERA. And you don’t think people should be allowed to do steroids! The Stream-o-Nator loves Garcia’s last start of the season, and I’d absolutely stream him there.
Adam Wainwright – Threw a successful simulated game. Impressive since he had to do it wearing an Oculus Rift.
John Lackey – 7 IP, 1 ER, 7 baserunners, 7 Ks, ERA at 2.69. His last start is at Atlanta, which is sexy/hump/sexy, but I wouldn’t be shocked to see him only go a few innings as the Cards save him for the playoffs.
Trevor Rosenthal – 0 IP, 4 ER. That was such an epic chunk blow maybe he gets a little break, but I’m guessing Rosenthal needs to get back out there fairly quickly to build his confidence for the playoffs.
Matt Carpenter – 2-for-5 and his 27th homer. Surprised more hasn’t been made of Carpenter’s season. His previous career high in homers was 11. As in what this amp goes to.
Stephen Piscotty – 1-for-5 and his 7th homer. You know what league Cardinals players really seem to come in handy? NL-Only, because they’re usually more productive than you think they are. Why is that? Be damned if Piscotty knows.
Ryan Braun – Shut down for the season and will have surgery to repair his herniated disk. He hopes to be ready by spring training so he can return to only complaining about his thumb.
Khris Davis – 2-for-4, 4 RBIs and his 25th and 26th homers. Well, we only have a week left for me to repeatedly repeat about how Davis has 26 homers and he missed 40 games. Also, he has more homers in the 2nd half than only seven other players, guys like Donaldson, Bautista, CarGonzalez and the other Chris Davis. You know, the absolute best guys to own this 2nd half. Oh, and Khris is only owned in 45% of ESPN leagues, so, yeah, I have no idea.
Jon Niese – Shifted to the bullpen. I have a suggestion if any Mets execs are reading. It’s inspired by Bernie Brewer sliding down after a Brewer homer. Every time a Mets hitter homers, they should have Mr. Met slide down Niese’s nose.
Jacob deGrom – 6 IP, 1 ER, 5 baserunners, 9 Ks, ERA at 2.60. Maybe I’m the only one that’s worried about this scenario, but I keep thinking about how the Mets are going to go deep in the playoffs, run up all of their pitchers innings and ruin all of their pitchers’ arms for next year.
Dallas Keuchel – 7 IP, 1 ER, 4 baserunners, 10 Ks, ERA at 2.47. Member three months ago when I said to sell Keuchel? We were younger then, and I was apparently just as stupid. Oopsie! When I recap everything in October, I’ll go over Keuchel, but I’m obviously surprised by his year. (Unless he gives up 35 runs in a third of a inning next time out.)
Chris Carter – 2-for-3, 2 runs and his 22nd homer, and 2nd homer in as many games. He’s the type to get extremely hot in a very quick period of time, so like Sly Stallone, get Carter!
Jarrett Parker – 2-for-3, 1 run and three home runs on Saturday (4, 5, 6). This guy is a legit mystery. In a bunch of top 20 Giants prospect lists that I looked at, he didn’t even rank. Yet, he had 23 HRs, 20 SBs and a .283 average in Triple-A this year. The year before, he had 15 HRs, 12 SBs across two levels. Jarrett Parker can’t lose! Okay, he might lose a little because he strikes out a ton. In Triple-A, he struck out 32.5% of the time and is over 40% in the majors through 14 games. I’d grab him for a hot bat that may or may not play this final week, but he’s not a keeper.
Kelby Tomlinson – 2-for-5, 1 RBI, after having a four-hit game on Saturday. Hot schmotato alert!
Sonny Gray – Likely shut down due to his hip. Hopefully, the A’s know how to shut him down properly. They need to spray him with Drakkar and have him read MMA magazines to shut down the Regression Fairies too, otherwise they’ll jump to another host’s body.
Tim Hudson – 1 1/3 IP, 2 ER vs. Barry Zito 2 IP, 4 ER. This is why they cut you two out of Moneyball!
Billy Butler – 1-for-4, 1 run and his 15th homer on Saturday. All fat jokes aside, Butler has been hitting everything, and not just the AYCE buffet.
Jake Arrieta – 7 IP, 0 ER, 1 Hit, Zero Walks, 9 Ks, ERA down to 1.82 for his 21st win. Maybe you kids aren’t young enough to remember the days of offense, but I have to say, it’s downright goofy that Greinke is going to lose the Cy Young with a 1.65 ERA, but he sure looks like he’s going to lose it. And well he should.
Luis Severino – 6 IP, 0 ER, 6 baserunners, 2 Ks, ERA at 2.77. I’ve made plenty of the Mets starters going over their innings limit, so it’s only fair that I mention that Severino has 155 IP this year. His previous career high was 112. I wouldn’t be shocked to see the Yankees trade for a big-name starter this offseason and trade Severino away, essentially using and abusing his arm for this one year.
Kris Medlen – 3 2/3 IP, 6 ER vs. Josh Tomlin 3 2/3, 5 ER. *removes hat, holds it to heart* There were thousands of fantasy baseball teams lost on Saturday to streaming these two schmohawks. I’m sorry if you were one of them. In lieu of flowers, please let Cody Anderson be a decent streamer this week.
Chris Young – 5 IP, 0 ER, 0 Hits, 1 Walk, 2 Ks, 3 yards long, 8 giraffes that call him “Daddy,” 12 times a day someone asks him to get something down from a high shelf.
Ender Inciarte – 4-for-5, 3 RBIs and a double slam (5, 6) and legs (21). The Diamondbacks seem to make a habit of producing guys that are better in fantasy than real life. We should have a glossary term for players that are better in fantasy than real life. Please suggest in the comments.
David Peralta – 1-for 4 and his 17th homer. Here’s a guy that I can see falling into a 4th outfielder role next year or busting out and being a star. Hey, I’m a hedge fund manager like Mr. Wonderful.
Henry Owens – 7 2/3 IP, 0 ER, 4 baserunners, 5 Ks. His next matchup isn’t good (@Cleveland), but, assuming he makes the start, I like him because, and this is something that you should keep in mind for all guys in the last week, Owens is trying to prove something. He wants to prove he’s ready for the rotation next year.
Blake Swihart – 1-for-3 and his 3rd homer. Sticking with the Owens theme from above, hitters like Swihart are also good for the same reason. They want to prove they are the starter next year.
Byron Buxton – 2-for-4, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 1st homer. There’s no reason to be doing anything now, Buxton. At this point, you’re just drawing unwanted attention for next year’s draft season.
Ervin Santana – 7 IP, 1 ER, 8 baserunners, 5 Ks. Stream-o-Nator doesn’t like Ervin’s next start, but what it doesn’t know is the Royals will likely be resting guys and the Twins might be battling for a playoff spot. Also, if Ervin’s getting hit early, they’ll pull him quickly and limit damage.
Aaron Hicks – 2-for-4, 1 run, 1 RBI, hitting around .300 in the last week with a steal. It’s not everything, and everything is everything, but since Hicks is hitting and the Twins are battling for the playoffs, you might see him get sent more on steals and be more aggressive overall. Of course, the Twins should’ve been doing this all year, but there ya go.
Josh Donaldson – 1-for-4, 2 runs and his 41st homer. F5! Haven’t made a lot of this, but you know which ‘pert had Donaldson higher than anyone? *picks up two falcon talons and points them at me* This guy!
Justin Smoak – 3-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 17th homer. 13 homers this week and he reaches JayWrong’s bold preseason prediction. Now, go over to our fantasy football side of things and give Mr. Wrong some love.
Mikie Mahtook – 2-for-3, 2 RBIs and 6th homer. Maybe I had the wrong impression of Mikie, I Mahtook him for a schmohawk.
Huston Street – Out for the year after needing to be helped off the field on Saturday due to his groin. Fun fact! John Holmes used to need someone to help him up stairs because of his groin. The Abbot & Costello of fantasy baseball ‘perts said filling in for Street is, “Who you Gott?” “That’s what I’m asking you!” “Get Gott!” “You Gott to be joking.” “Maybe he jokes, I don’t know him personally.” “Okay, who should I get for saves?” “Gott.” “Your English is terrible, it’s get!” “And I Gott him!” “Gott who?!” “YES!” “Okay, who do you ‘Gott?'” “Trevor Gott.” “Trevor Gott who?” “The new Angels closer.” “Susquehanna Hat Company!” “Who Gott the save yesterday?” “No, Mike Morin.” So, the new Angels closer could be Trevor Gott, Mike Morin or Fernando Salaza. I’d grab them in that order, but obviously one never knows with The Sciosciapath.
David Freese – 1-for-3 and his 13th homer, and 2nd homer in as many games. Irony aside, Freese is a hot schmotato.
Hisashi Iwakuma – 7 1/3 IP, 3 ER, 8 baserunners, 1 K. Hisashi my dashi, slurp SLURP! He is seriously all over the map with his starts. 10 Ks one game, 9 Ks the next game, then one strikeout? Zoinks!
Nolan Arenado – 2-for-3, 2 runs, 5 RBIs and his 41st homer, and his 2nd homer in as many games. “Cougs, I’m going to suggest you use some of my hair gel because we’re in a full-blown Torenado!” There were actually people in May asking if they should drop Arenado. Those people are also on their third marriage and delinquent on a car they just leased because they’re just not feeling it anymore.
Aaron Nola – 5 IP, 0 ER, 6 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA at 3.59 and was shut down for the year. “The Phils don’t care about black people,” said Kanye about the Nola shut down.
Andres Blanco – 3-for-6, 3 RBIs and his 6th homer. Also, in this game, Jeff Francoeur went 3-for-5, 2 RBIs with his 13th homer. This was first time either guy had more than one hit in a game in three weeks. They are also the Phils two-hole and five-hole hitters respectively. Five ladies and gentlemen, your Philadelphia Phillies!
Stephen Strasburg – 8 IP, 1 ER, 4 baserunners, 13 Ks, ERA down to 3.63. If only his entire year was like the last month…*wavy lines* “Hey, it’s June and Strasburg has been pitching well all year. And, what do you know, my ulcer is all cleared up!” *wavy lines* Wow, that is such a 40-year-old’s dream.
Matt den Dekker – 4-for-4, 3 runs and his 4th homer. Let me guess, that homer was an upper den Dekker!
Ian Desmond – 3-for-3, 2 runs and his 19th homer. He hasn’t done a ton recently, and recently in this case could be said like a historian talking about the 1960s vs. ancient Rome.
Jonathan Papelbon – 1 IP, 2 ER. The big news out of this game was Papelbon and Bryce Harper fighting in the dugout. Those two, they mix like vinegar and douche.
