This preseason Gregory Polanco was a Capri Sun. Yes, the pouch drink that you need to stab 17 times to get the straw in. Crazy, right? What’s crazier is I have an explanation! Ready? Here we go, readers! There is something just completely gross about liquids in a pouch. Put some delicious nacho cheese in a ziplock bag. You do not want to eat that anymore. Seriously, cut the corner and squeeze it into your mouth. So nasty! An IV bag? Yeah, that’s appetizing. Why not grab a colostomy bag and cut out the middle man? Bagged liquids are gross. However — again with some stank! — HOWEVER, Capri Sun is surprisingly good. Okay, u-turn to Polanco. This preseason the Pirates looked like a mess. No one really wanted any of them. Marte had a suspension last year, but even he was kind of, “Well, he’s ranked here, so I guess I’ll take him.” Polanco, though? You didn’t even want him around pick 150 overall! It was a “Hmm…Take a boring MI or Polanco” pick. And a lot of you took Ian Kinsler instead! Yesterday, Gregory Polanco went 2-for-5 with two more homers, and is now up to 5 homers, and, as Anime Grey said in the first Buy, Sell, Hold video, Polanco is still a buy. Polanco is orange-flavored water in a silver pouch, the ultimate Capri Sun. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:
Joe Musgrove – Reportedly not close to getting on any mounds anytime soon. Hey, sometimes you feel like a nut, sometimes you don’t.
Trevor Williams – 6 IP, 1 ER, 5 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA at 1.56. I hope if you wanted to bench him vs. the Cubs, you were met by some divine inattention and started him anyway. If you’re new to the site, I wrote a Trevor Williams sleeper and wrote about him after his first start of the year. I’m a big fan.
Adam Frazier – 2-for-5 and his 1st homer. Like a drunken embrace with a stranger at 3 AM, Frazier would’ve made a nice batty call. If you were using Hitter-Tron, you likely would’ve done it too. Though, if you listened to Hitter-Tron, you might’ve also married your vacuum cleaner in a quickie Vegas ceremony.
Francisco Cervelli – 2-for-5, 3 RBIs and his 2nd homer. Also, Cervelli hit four homers in 35 at-bats in Spring Training. Seems like taking a little bit of Florida back north with him has paid off. Though, his teammates don’t appreciate Cervelli lugging a gator along with him on road trips. And Steve Spurrier doesn’t love being in a dog carrier.
Ian Happ – 2-for-4. *dressed as a 70’s ad exec, puts Ian Happ on a bicycle, he begins to pedal as I run alongside of him* “Pedal, boy! You can do it! Meryl Streep will never take you away!” This is Ian Happ and me doing an off-Broadway production of Kramer vs. Kramer.
Kyle Schwarber – 3-for-4 and his 3rd homer, hitting .270. Schwarber looks good, yabbity blabbity bloo, but how is Ben Zobrist (0-for-4) still hitting third? I mean, as a Trevor Williams owner, I appreciate it, but what is going on with Joe Maddon? He is so Maddoning!
Aaron Hicks – 0-for-4 as he was activated from the DL. Small aside, but every time Hicks is mentioned it’s either because he was just hurt or he’s just being activated. Two sides of the same poor condition coin.
Tyler Austin – Suspended five games for charging the mound without first screaming Worldstar.
Sonny Gray – 3 IP, 6 ER, ERA at 6.92. Owning AL East pitchers sucks. Someone please remind me this next January. I see their peripherals in the preseason without thinking about having to roll them out there in Fenway every third week. Then drafting a Coors starter too?! How do I have Sonny Gray and Jon Gray? Did I lose my mind?! Stupid narcissistic bastard! *baby voice* Ooh, he’s named Gray, he must be good. *angry voice* No! You idiot! Or change your name to Max!
David Price – Could be able to take mound for his next start on Tuesday. If you own him, you have to ask yourself if that’s a good or bad thing.
Hanley Ramirez – Left after being hit on the wrist, but the Red Sox are saying it’s a contusion. Hanley just needs a bull to watch some bull porn and then make love to his wrist, and he will be fine.
Rick Porcello – 7 IP, 0 ER, 2 hits, zero walks, 6 Ks, ERA at 1.83. Okay, I take back what I said for Gray, because I own Porcello and he’s been fine. Okay, a little better than fine. Unless I’m spelling out fine — F-I-N-E, because then fine becomes better than fine. His WHIP is 0.76. Hello, lovely.
Ian Kinsler – 1-for-5 and his 1st homer, as he was activated from the DL. The home run came in his first at-bat back, which must’ve made him so excited, because he politely bumped fists back in the dugout afterwards.
Nick Tropeano – 6 2/3 IP, 0 ER, 8 baserunners, 6 Ks vs. the Royals. Can Tropeano get traded to the Rays so he can play in The Trop already? I got Trop puns I need to play fast, they’re Tropical. So, Tropeano seems like a guy who I would love to own in AL-Only, but wouldn’t be able to nudge up enough enthusiasm outside of streams in mixed leagues. At least for now.
Ian Kennedy – 6 IP, 1 ER, 9 baserunners, 3 Ks, ERA at 1.00. I almost streamed him, but I got cold feet like a duck, or maybe that’s ‘I had Cold Duck, the wine you drink when you can’t afford $5.00 for Barefoot.’ Any hoo! You’re likely thinking, is Kennedy breaking out late-career a’la Charlie Morton? No, he’s not. He is pitching twice as good as last year, which still only puts him at a 3.47 xFIP. I would own Kennedy more so than I would’ve three weeks ago, but let’s just say I didn’t run out to pick him up.
Elvis Andrus – Out for six to eight weeks with a fractured elbow. If Profar can play short, then I bet I know someone who can play 2nd. Free Willie! (Just putting it out there in the universe. Oprah says that’s The Secret.)
Jose Berrios – 7 IP, 0 ER, 3 baserunners, 11 Ks, ERA at 2.18. I mentioned this last week regarding Bauer, but it kinda applies to all solid AL Central pitchers. Who are they scared of facing? The Indians, and dot dot dot?
Joe Mauer – 2-for-3, 3 RBIs, hitting .412, as he collected his 2,000 hit. Member that year Rotoworld projected him for 2,000 hits in one season? They’re finally right!
Chris Stratton – 7 IP, 0 ER, 1 Hit, 3 walks, 4 Ks, ERA at 2.60. Finally, someone who knows how to capitalize on a great matchup in a great park. I would stick to the Stream-o-Nator on him for now.
DJ LeMahieu – 4-for-5, 4 RBIs and his 3rd and 4th homers, hitting .351, and he turned two double plays. That DJ saved my life! Maybe DJ homered twice in honor of ravers in London using an abandoned Toys R Us store for a rave. I hear the rave sucked, the Pick-Up Sticks didn’t glow.
Michael Wacha – 5 IP, 3 ER, 8 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA at 5.52. Since I have multiple shares, I watched this game. Couple of takeaways, A) This could’ve been worse. B) This could’ve been better. C) There’s no C. D) Couple of lucky hits in ideal situations for the Reds. E) It was a Reds lineup without Votto. F) Me, I have so many Wacha shares. G)rey H) I’m going to be holding for now.
Paul DeJong – 1-for-5, 2 runs and his 4th homer. That was a monster JeDong! A Chicken Parm DeJong!
Jose Martinez – 4-for-5, 6 RBIs and his 3rd homer, hitting .364. He was lucky to get a double to score two of his ribbies because Phillip Ervin plays right field like Julius Erving, dribbling the ball and shizz. That aside, I’ve been so impressed with Martinez.
Yadier Molina – 2-for-5, 2 RBIs and his 4th homer. He hit his home run so far there weren’t any fans sitting there. Okay, that could’ve been anywhere in Cincy.
Marcell Ozuna – 1-for-6 and his 2nd homer, hitting .293. OZUNA hit homer off Romano. OZUNA favorite Romano is Sal. Ozuna 2nd favorite Romano is Corky.
Jose Peraza – 3-for-5, 2 runs, hitting .286. We’re not quite at the point where I’m gonna start patting myself on the back, but he’s already moved up the lineup, and not just when Votto’s out of the lineup, so don’t @ me.
Francisco Lindor – 2-for-4, 3 runs, 3 RBIs and his 1st homer, hitting .208. Chief Wahoo changed the dip-dip-slide to a dip-slide-slide and, the cloud cover cleared, and now he’s doing a Runs Dance.
Jose Ramirez – 1-for-5, 2 RBIs and his 3rd homer. Each day that goes by it’s becoming increasingly harder to sell low. Better hurry!
Trevor Bauer – 7 IP, 2 ER, 9 baserunners, 7 Ks, ERA at 2.25. Where have I heard of this guy before? Geez, I forget now. Was it from me telling everyone to draft him for three months? Hmm, maybe.
Leonys Martin – 3-for-5, 2 runs, hitting .295, and hitting around .400 in the last week. He won’t be in this afternoon’s Buy, but he could’ve been, get the schmotato while the schmotato’s hot as Stephen Hawking once said, RIP.
Michael Fulmer – 3 IP, 6 ER, ERA up to 3.86. Fulmer? I hardly knew ya!
Mikie Mahtook – Optioned to Triple-A. Tigers manager Ron Gardenhire said this decision was difficult because he really likes Mahtook’s enthusiasm. If I were were conceiving of character with more enthusiasm than ability, I’d name that character, Mikie.
