How about that Gleyber Torres schmohawk post now? Grey’s a genius! Who happens to need an online dictionary to spell ‘genius.’ Why is that bad? Are you some kinda of elitist who memorizes werd spelings? Look at me, I’m a werd nord! Dur! I hate you! And Gleyber Torres. Why is everything going opposite world on me so far? I do fantasy baseball to relieve stress so why did I throw my computer out the window and am typing from a nearby bush? Yo, I’m so bush league! Get it? No? Me either, tee bee aitch. So, Gleyber Torres (4-for-4, 4 RBIs and his 1st two homers of the year) did the mollywhop dance on the O’s’ (not confusing apostrophes) pitching. Of course, Gleyber did! I’d stream any hitter against the Orioles, except maybe Chris Davis in a split squad game. Yo, Chris Davis, you wearing Opti-Grab glasses? Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:
Aaron Hicks – Cleared to resume baseball activities. Great, he’s updating his LinkedIn account, when does he start playing baseball again?!
Luke Voit – 1-for-5, 3 RBIs and his 2nd homer. If you were thinking about dropping Voit because he had gone five games without doing anything since his last big game, you’re overreacting and you’re doing more harm than good to your teams.
Gary Sanchez – 1-for-4 and his 3rd homer. Gary looking to bounce back this year like Gary, Indiana’s Chamber of Commerce after the Michael Jackson allegations. “Here’s a brochure for your visit to the birthplace of Tito Jackson.”
James Paxton – 5 1/3 IP, 4 ER, 10 baserunners, 9 Ks, ERA at 4.09. Well, that could’ve went better, but he got the win, which more than I can say about most of my starters (except the ones that got wins).
Alex Cobb – 5 2/3 IP, 2 ER, 6 baserunners, 4 Ks as he was activated from the IL. If you own Orioles starters outside of AL-Only leagues, you’re a masochist and you might need help. The good news is if you find therapy groups painful to attend, you’re gonna love getting help!
Jonathan Villar – 2-for-5 and his 2nd homer. JV says the only JV thing here is you not owning JV. High-five the crap out of me! Right now! No? Okay.
Mychal Givens – 1 1/3 IP, 2 ER in the 8th inning of a losing game. About to throw in the towel on the O’s bullpen. I can only take so much abuse. *my dog barks, I jump* Eek! I used to be able to do that game where you place your hands on top of someone else’s hands and smack them for flinching, and now I’m a nervous wreck!
Vladimir Guerrero Jr. – Will begin rehabbing in High-A. Ugh, please don’t tell me the BJs (they suck) are now going to make him work his way up the entire minor league system again.
Socrates Brito – 0-for-4 as he was called up with Alford being optioned down, and Brito hit 2nd. Brito will be in this afternoon’s Buy column. Wow, what a major draw!
Trevor Bauer – 7 IP, 0 hits, 6 walks, 8 Ks, ERA at 0.64. Left the game with a no-hitter A) Because he was at 117 pitches. B) The universe can’t handle his douchebaggery after a no-hitter. C) There’s no C. D) The Jays are so bad. E) Like really bad. F) I mean, doode, check out D & E. G)rey.
Jose Ramirez – 0-for-3, 1 RBI, hitting .136. Not doing a victory lap “I told you so” yet, but, just as I predicted, all of his fly balls have got him in a world of trouble.
Aaron Sanchez – 6 IP, 2 ER, 7 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA at 1.64. Another solid start from Sanchez and a good day for Sanchezes (Sanchii?). However (don’t do it, Grey, don’t undercut it), he’s faced two shizzbird teams and I don’t mean the Orioles. His peripherals don’t support a return to prominence, and Streamonator hates his next start, and I agree.
Spencer Turnbull – 6 IP, 2 ER, 8 baserunners, 10 Ks, ERA at 4.09. What are they feeding these Tigers’ starters? Ah, I know, Royales with Ks. Okay, joke doesn’t hold up because the Boyd game came against the Yanks, so sue me for all 1,800 pennies I make a day on this site. Turnbull looks like he could get into serious trouble if a team just waits for its pitch vs. swinging. He has a solid mix of pitches rolled up into a ball with a bunch of other garbage pitches. His curve looks terri-bull, but his fastball has some life. I’m admittedly not fully in on him, but in deeper leagues, you can let up on the throttle, and do worse.
Jakob Junis – 6 IP, 3 ER, 9 baserunners, 8 Ks, ERA at 4.63. WWJD? Not trust Junis. I agree.
Alex Gordon – 2-for-2, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 2nd homer. Would’ve made a nice batty call, but, if you fall in love with him, you’re going to be paying child support in the way of 1-for-4 with zero counting stats for weeks.
Brad Boxberger – 1 IP, 0 ER in a non-save situation. I have no inside info on the Royals’ bullpen shituation. My guess is still Boxberger emerges with the job, but it could be Ian Kennedy or Wily Peralta.
J.D. Martinez – 2-for-5 and his 3rd homer. What a person says right before Martinez pops his head up, “If only someone would Just Dong…”
Eduardo Rodriguez – 3 2/3 IP, 6 ER, ERA at 12.38. You know once you drop him he’s going to turn around his season. On that note, maybe you should drop him to help the rest of us. So, there’s been some concern in the Red Sox camp that Ed-Rod doesn’t have a good game plan and pitch mix to which I shout, “Why don’t you help him get a good game plan and pitch mix?!” This is a rough stretch, but I would try to hold him at least one more start, though it would be on my bench until I saw a good start (or game plan).
Stephen Piscotty – 4-for-4, 5 RBIs and his 2nd homer, and a triple short of the cycle. That’s called an Antiberto cycle.
Ramon Laureano – 1-for-3, 1 run and his 1st steal. Give me all your Laureanos!
Yu Darvish – 4 IP, 3 ER, ERA at 8.10. Darvish’s last start looked more like a losing game of horseshoes than baseball, and now starting him looks like a game of hand grenades.
Anthony Rizzo – 1-for-3, 2 RBIs and his 2nd homer. HR to the Rizzo!
Javier Baez – 1-for-4 and his 3rd homer. He winced and appeared to hurt his leg earlier in the game, but a Cubs beat writer said Baez did that a lot last year and it’s not a worry. So, if this baseball thing doesn’t work out, he can become a professional wrestler, Wince McMahon.
Max Fried – 6 IP, 0 ER, 1 hit, 0 walks, 5 Ks in his 1st start. Sonavabench! I guess it’s good I have him, but why’s he on my bench I’m so stupid and run-on sentences and whatnot. He painted the corners with 97 MPH heat, then dropped knee bucklers like out of a twerking video. Had a perfect game going through 5 2/3 IP, which is not only remarkable because it was against the Cubs, but he had a 5+ BB/9 last year in the majors (33 2/3 IP) and a 4+ BB/9 in Triple-A (66 1/3 IP). Walks have been his downfall. If he is locating though, he can be a top 40 starter. Not sure why he’d suddenly have pinpoint control and Gausman/Follysandwitz are returning soon, so I’m hesitant to push everyone towards him, but obviously the upside is real and worth a gamble in deeper leagues.
A.J. Minter – 2/3 IP, 0 ER as he was activated from the IL. A lot of people are saying he’ll get save chances in tandem with Vizcaino. I’m not sure. I’m not saying Minter isn’t good, or not worth owning because he is good, but save chances? Possibly. Vizcaino closed last year and this year. However, Vizcaino has had shoulder issues and didn’t pitch in a spring training game after March 20th. So, Minter is a solid handcuff. However, Part II: The However’s Return, Minter was just out with shoulder tightness. This could be a mess of a shituation, but, like I said originally, I would own Minter (and Vizcaino). Too bad there’s no top five closer free agents available, amiright, Kimbrel?
Nick Markakis – 5-for-5, 3 runs, 5 RBIs with three doubles. Sparkakis!
Matt Harvey – 4 IP, 8 ER, ERA at 9.00. In the 1st inning, he struck out the side! And gave up two homers. And five runs. The Dark Knight returns!
Mike Trout – 2-for-3 and his 1st homer. Hey, who’s this guy? He seems okay.
Kole Calhoun – 1-for-4 and his 2nd homer as he bats leadoff. Is The Sciosciapath wearing a giant Brad Ausmus puppet?
Shohei Ohtani – Thinks he can return in April, saying, “I know (my team is) trying to be very careful with me. Heaney, Skaggs and the rest of them is who they don’t care about.”
Ronald Guzman – 2-for-4, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 2nd homer. In one league, I have Christian Walker and Ronald Guzman on my bench (5 HRs) and Eduardo Escobar in my lineup (does he have a hit yet?). *removes pen cap, writes “Shame” on forehead, returns pen cap*
Noah Syndergaard – 6 IP, 2 ER, 3 baserunners (1 hit), 6 Ks, ERA at 4.50. What a bum! (Kidding, he looked decent. Though, guys like Gomes and Eaton were swinging at some pitches off the plate that made his job easier.)
Victor Robles – 1-for-3 and his 2nd homer, hitting .300, as he continues to bat 9th. Mean’s while, Brian Dozier (0-for-4, hitting .091) is in the two-hole. I realize crap usually is in the two hole, but that’s just literal poopycock. Wilmer Difo, star of silver screen with hits like Platoon and Spider-Man (2002), is better in the two hole than that dreck Dozier. Davey Martinez out here managing like he’s Davey Johnson. What’s with the Nats and Daveys, by the way? The Nationals are in Washington so they are America’s team and Davey Boy Smith waved a British Union Jack, explain yourself, Nationals!
Stephen Strasburg – 6 2/3 IP, 0 ER, 4 baserunners, 9 Ks, ERA at 2.84. Surprised to see he threw 108 pitches, because I watched the game and they were pretty, effortless carefree pitches. He could’ve been whistling while peeing into the Hudson River. “Hey, look a dead body!” That’s a carefree, smiling Strasburg urinating into the Hudson.
Corey Dickerson – Hit the IL with a shoulder strain. He has no timetable. So, I guess he just lays his alarm clock on the floor. Weird.
J.B. Shuck – 1-for-3 as he plays in place of Dickerson. Shuck on that Dickerson! Which is what I exclaim in public when I’m trying to elicit strange looks.
Adam Frazier – 1-for-4 and his 2nd steal, and 2nd in as many games. He won’t be in this afternoon’s Buy column, but if you lost Trea Turner…Well, you can’t replace him, but Frazier could provide some runs, bit of average and a little speed.
Jordan Lyles – 5 IP, 0 ER, 6 baserunners, 2 Ks vs. Tyler Mahle – 6 IP, 0 ER, 5 baserunners, 5 Ks. This matchup was billed as T. Mahle vs. Jordan, which was also the title of the CIA operation to poison a dictator with Chipotle.