Giancarlo Outs-Standing Return For Yanks

The Yankees scored 20 runs and Giancarlo Stanton returned from the IL with an 0-for-4. Giancarlo Stanton really impressed me last night by staying on the field for numerous swings without oblique, hammy, calf, forearm, torso, shin, neck or shoulder issues. Stanton has a chance to pass his games played total last year of 18. He’s currently at 14, but there’s no way he plays four more games, right? *pop, pop, pop* Paul O’Neill from a remote location, “What is that popping noise?”
Michael Kay in his trademark baritone, “Paul, that’s Giancarlo wrapped in bubble wrap!”
“Ah, that’s great to see.”
“Yeah, really cool. What a team player.”
“Totally.”
“Hey, you ever notice our Yankees’ broadcasts are the boringest broadcasts?”
“Is boringest a word?”
“I bet it is.”
“Interesting. Like this conversation.”

Also, in this game, Luke Voit went bazinga two times (3-for-5, 5 RBIs), hitting his 17th and 18th homers. He was the late-round corner man to draft. Sigh. Speaking of sighs, Gary Sanchez (1-for-4, 2 runs, 4 RBIs and his 8th homer, hitting .131) had his first ball hit that didn’t include his crotch. Then, DJ LeMahieu (4-for-6, 3 runs, 5 RBIs) hit his 7th homer, as he hits .363. He’s so adamant to defy me it makes him a real pest. Finally, Aaron Hicks (1-for-4) hit his 5th homer on my bench. *breathes in 95% smoke-filled air mixed with pandemic* What a time to be alive! Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Aaron Judge – Expected to return by this weekend. Yankees are getting healthy just in time to get injured again.

Gio Urshela – 3-for-4, 4 runs as he was activated from the IL. The Yanks sent down Miguel Andujar, who couldn’t catch a break if he were strapped into a Baby Bjorn on Giancarlo’s chest and sent down the alpine slide at Action Park.

Deivi Garcia – 7 IP, 3 ER, 8 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 3.28. Yankees got out to a huge lead, and Deivi sailed out to the Ivictory Coast for a free stay at the W, likely on the back of a seagull, because he weighs 68 pounds. I’d go with the Streamonator for Deivi (and every pitcher the rest of the way).

Taijuan Walker – 1 2/3 IP, 1 ER and 6 more unearned, ERA at 3.05. Whoa! Talk about a ticker shock! Damn, that box scare nearly gave me a heart attack.

Vladimir Guerrero Jr. – 3-for-5, 2 runs and his 7th homer. He’s so overdue he may as well have hit that homer via USPS. CNN scroll, “BREAKING: Vladimir clogs up mail with home runs.”

Lourdes Gurriel Jr. – 3-for-4, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 8th homer. Thinking about swishing around the nickname Lou-Gu-Ju like it’s a Korean rice wine.

Tommy Pham – Could return any day now. I FAAB bidded (that should be the past tense of bid so that’s what I’m using) on Pham this past weekend in a 12-team NL-Only, because I am so ahead of the time I’m in 2021, and we’re still in lockdown, don’t rush.

Justin Turner – 3-for-4, 1 run, 1 RBI as he was activated from the IL. Kevin from ESPN’s “Get Him In Your Lineup” Department said, “When Jerry in Accounting said he was out of staples, I simply pointed out that Carla might have some extra from her stomach operation.”

Tony Gonsolin – 7 IP, 1 ER, 4 baserunners, 2 Ks, ERA at 1.51. Real question: Have the Dodgers ever had a bad pitcher?

Kole Calhoun – 3-for-5, 5 RBIs and two homers (10, 11). When Calhoun homers, he’s an immediate hot schmotato like Grichuk. Kole goes from zero to hot like *snaps fingers* Hey, I sound like I’m on Shark Tank.

David Peralta – 2-for-4 and his 4th homer. Diamondbacks’ offense must’ve just been picturing Bum’s pitching.

Daulton Varsho – 1-for-4 and his 3rd homer. He played center field yesterday, but should have catcher eligibility in most leagues. Hubba Bubba, ya catch me?

Madison Bumgarner – 5 1/3 IP, 8 ER, ERA at 8.53. Bum has turned into real ass.

Jared Walsh – 3-for-5, 2 runs, 3 RBIs and his 6th homer. He’s in the cushiest spot in baseball, sitting right in front of Trout like it’s an all-you-can-eat seafood buffet.

Justin Upton – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 6th homer, hitting .198. Whoever sold the two Upton brothers aging cream ripped them off.

Brandon Nimmo – 2-for-5 and his 7th homer. Nimmo is WAF! Wet ass fishy!

Ryan Yarbrough – 5 2/3 IP, 1 ER, 5 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA at 3.97, as he came in after an Opener. It only took Cash’s brain custard seven weeks to congeal into smart thoughts about Yarbrough coming into the game after an opener when he’s most comfortable.

Nate Lowe – 2-for-3, 2 RBIs and a slam (3) and legs (1), hitting .250, but three homers in the last four games, and could be starting to get out from under the Lowe shadow of other Lowe, and blossom into a hot schmotato.

Jack Flaherty – 3 IP, 9 ER, ERA at 5.52. Listen, they can’t all be great starts but WHAT THE F*CK! Seriously, I know they can’t all be gems, but WHAT THE F*CK! Hey, I get it, we all have off nights, but WHAT THE F*CK!

Christian Yelich – 3-for-4, 3 runs and his 10th homer, hitting .210. Also, in this game, Keston Hiura (1-for-4, 4 RBIs) hit his 12th homer and Ryan Braun (1-for-2, 2 runs, 2 RBIs) hit his 5th homer. Apparently, Flaherty will get you everywhere. I mean, cool, I get it, but WHAT THE F*CK!

Daniel Vogelbach – 3-for-4, 3 runs, 4 RBIs and his 3rd homer. He homered off Crismatt, who sounds like Santa’s reindeer, Lispy.

Javier Baez – 1-for-3, 2 runs and a slam (7) and legs (2). Please have a great final ten days so I’m not dealing with a ton of people asking me why I’m ranking Baez in the top 30 again next year. For the love of me!

Yu Darvish – 7 IP, 3 ER, 10 baserunners, 7 Ks, ERA at 2.00 vs. Carlos Carrasco – 6 IP, 3 ER, 9 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA at 3.27. This game was billed as the last three days of your diet, or simply Yu vs. Cookie.

Michael Lorenzen – 5 IP, 1 ER, 4 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 4.56. How can the Reds start Lorenzen and not let him hit? That’s such an easy call, which I guess is every MLB manager’s Achilles heel.

Kevin Gausman – MRI came back clean of his elbow and the Giants say he can start on Saturday, assuming the firefighter masks get to them in time. As you prolly heard, the Giants/Mariners didn’t play yesterday, due to forest fires. More devastating setbacks than even Forrest Whitley.

Dane Dunning – 7 IP, 1 ER, 5 baserunners, 7 Ks, ERA at 2.33. Dane Dunning getting himself in the conversation for a top 40 overall starter next year. Do I hear 30…?

Tim Anderson – 3-for-5, 2 runs and his 8th homer, hitting .377. You know what’s funny in a not funny way? In the preseason, I picked Yoan Moncada as AL MVP. I could’ve literally picked any other White Sox player and been more right.

Byron Buxton – 2-for-4, 2 runs and his 9th homer, hitting .252. Love to see a full 162-game season from Buxton. Of course, we never will. But I’d love it if we did.

Jose Altuve – 0-for-3, 1 run as he was activated from the IL. His knee healed quicker than was originally anticipated by the champion Operation board game player.

Jose Urquidy – 7 IP, 1 ER, 3 baserunners, 7 Ks, ERA at 2.70. There is so many starters to draft next year without worrying about taking Gerrit Cole, Bieber, yadda-blabbity-bloo. As for this year, as said above, look at the Streamonator for final matchups.

Willie Calhoun – 0-for-4 as he was activated from the IL. He’s going to be 26 years old next season, and the Rangers have messed with him for four years. He doesn’t have one full season of games under his belt. Guess they saw Willie and figured they’d dick him around.

Antonio Senzatela – 9 IP, 1 ER, 7 baserunners, 3 Ks, ERA at 3.30. A’la the lady in the deli scene in When Harry Met Sally, “I’ll have what it’s having,” and the “it” is the Coors humidor.

Adam Duvall – 1-for-5 and his 15th homer. If you drafted Adam Duvall in the 1st round, you wouldn’t have been wrong. You might’ve been killed though for being a witch.

Jose Iglesias – 2-for-4, 1 RBI, hitting .374. Not to sacrilege up in here, but Church has been on fire all year.

Sandy Alcantara – 6 IP, 1 ER, 7 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA at 3.45. Sandy’s in the Sixto Mode and Pab-Lo camp of Marlins’ starters who I trust, and if Mikhail Gorbachev’s reading, I’m verified.

Isan Diaz – Hit the 60-day IL. He opted out in July, returned last week for five games, injured his groin, and, with 15 games games to go, is out for 60 games. That’s an adventure in ‘Why bother?’

Matthew Boyd – 5 2/3 IP, 0 ER, 6 baserunners, (4 BBs), 5 Ks, ERA at 6.75. Ain’t gonna bag on him, except for this small bagging: I watched some of this start, and if he would’ve walked four guys in 5-plus against a better team, this line would’ve been ugly too.

Miguel Cabrera – 2-for-2, and his 6th homer, hitting .246. His home run trot is still going, but they’ve already counted it.

Willi Castro – 3-for-5, 2 runs and his 4th homer, hitting .352. If the BA doesn’t give you a heads up, and you don’t think it stands for Bon Appetit, Willi’s been hot.

Jonathan Schoop – Hit the 10-day IL with a sprained wrist. Replacing Schoop will be Goodrum. Think that’s how Kitty Dukakis got into trouble.

Danny Duffy – Missed the team flight, so he missed his start. Royals are going to show Duffy the same video again that they showed all their players in the beginning of the year: OJ running in the airport to make his flight. Some people clearly missed the point due to the cringe factor.