I hope everyone’s Memorial Day was filled with hot dogs, hamburgers, fireworks that were meant to be saved until July 4th but were blown off yesterday so close to your ear that you still have a ringing, and all the other red-white-blue American things one hears backstage at a Larry The Cable Guy concert. My Memorial Day was filled with eating and burping and farting and wearing an American flag t-shirt, but that’s every Monday. Eat a D, ISIS! Yesterday, Gerrit Cole loved the troops more than most starters, posting a line of 6 IP, 2 ER, 4 baserunners, 12 Ks, ERA at 4.02. Woke SpongeBob, “Yo, dem high-ranked starters are da bomb dot org.” Yo, WSB, you don’t sound so woke. “Go f–k yourself.” Wow, WSB, is lit! Cole’s peripherals: 14.1 K/9, 2.3 BB/9, 2.22 xFIP and is technically the number one starter in all of baseball if his luck was neutral. Don’t love trading for a top starter, but it’s hard to find a better buy low right now, due to his ERA. He could rattle off 120 innings of a sub-1 ERA. That’s Murica thru & thru. Not spelling shizz out is Murica too. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:
Cole Hamels – 4 IP, 6 ER, ERA at 4.02. The Cole v. Cole judgment resulted in a lien on the ratios of the Hamels property owners. The case will be appealed later in the week when Hamels gets the Cards in St. Louis.
Anthony Rizzo – 2-for-3, 2 RBIs and his 15th homer. HR to the Izzo!
Javier Baez – 0-for-5, 5 Ks, hitting .310. During yesterday’s Memorial Day, I mourned my fantasy team batting average during the Battle of the Kay of Baez, which is different than BET’s Battle of the Baes.
Albert Almora Jr. – 1-for-4, 2 runs and his 7th homer. After the game, he requested all questions be sent to his spiritual advisor, Tommy La Stella, saying, “Arc thou launch angle,” then made a motion by his heart, miming a launch angle.
Addison Russell – 3-for-4 and his 3rd homer, hitting .289. They should have a news segment in Chicago of people begrudgingly cheering Russell when he does something good.
Josh Bell – 3-for-8 and his 17th homer. Check out the Josh Bell breakout breakdown by frequent commenter, Todd25, who changed his name to Coolwhip, in honor of DJ Kool Herc’s favorite dessert topping.
Mitch Keller – 4 IP, 6 ER in his 1st major league start. I’m just going to leave my Shasta on the bar counter of this bar in Kabul, and hit the head….*five hours later* Hey, your accordion has a similar birthmark as my torso…Wait a second, that is my torso?! ROOFIE!!!
Yasiel Puig – 2-for-9, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 10th homer, hitting .218. When Puig lets one fly! Please get hot, you farkin’ bastage.
Jose Iglesias – 2-for-7, 2 runs, 4 RBIs and his 4th homer, a grand slam. He’s hitting near-.400 in the last week, so could be a little schmotato action here. Church!
Byron Buxton – 1-for-3, 3 RBIs and his 5th homer, hitting .258. Buxton hasn’t moved out of the nine hole, which hurts his value, and, honestly, seriously, interjectionly, the Twins are so stacked that Buxton has nowhere else to hit.
Jurickson Profar – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 8th homer, hitting .194. C’mon, man, get up to a .250 average! That’s the Jurickson I Profar.
Matt Chapman – 2-for-4, 2 runs and his 14th homer, and 3rd homer in as many games. *elbows Dale Long’s grandson* Just be ready to fly out at a moment’s notice. *Dale Long’s grandson looks unamused* Why the Long face?
Yonny Chirinos – 5 IP, 0 ER, zero hits, 2 walks, 7 Ks, ERA at 2.91 as he pitched from the 1st inning thru the 5th. Wow, are you saying Middlers can be starters? They don’t need Openers? Crazy. Random Prediction Alert! The Opener is going to disappear faster than mentions of the bunt in Earl Weaver’s memoirs.
Jonathan Davis – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 1st homer, hitting .128. He should go by J.D. Davis like the Mets’ All-Star platoon bat. No kidding, J.D. Davis’s name is Jonathan Davis. He’s essentially made his name, Jonathan Davis Davis. *insert The More You Know graphic*
Aaron Sanchez – Left after three innings with a torn fingernail. He should visit this Korean woman’s store near me, she says , “Fingernails for man-I-cure.”
Mychael Givens – Orioles said Givens will work in low-leverage situations, and no more high-leverage situations for him. High-leverage on the O’s? Pitching for the Orioles’ 15th win is high-leverage? This never made any sense to me. Why not just see what you have with Givens if you’re gonna lose 100+ games anyway? It’s not like they have anyone else. The Orioles even said of who would replace him, “Whoever.” Mychael Givens? Whoever taketh away. Whoever might be Shawn Armstrong, who got his 1st save yesterday.
Renato Nunez – 1-for-4, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 13th homer, and his 6th homer in the last eight games. Will his hot schmotato run ever end? Prolly, but hasn’t yet.
Dustin Pedroia – Unsure if he’ll play ever again. Another Sparky Anklebiter bites the Dustin.
Jackie Bradley Jr. – 2-for-3, 1 run, 2 RBIs, hitting .173. Now has raised his average 30 points in a week. If you’re not ride or die with JBJ as he brings his average up to .230, you’re doing it wrong.
J.D. Martinez – 2-for-5 and his 10th and 11th homer, hitting .304. One of Just Dong’s home runs bounced off of Mercado’s glove. That’s what Mercado gets for naming his glove, Canseco.
Oscar Mercado – 2-for-4, 3 runs and his 1st and 2nd steal, hitting .323. Remember, his call-up brought with it SAGNOF wishes and dirty white beaches. Also, yesterday, I teasingly asked Mercado or Jo-Ram and, well, was it teasingly?
Adeiny Hechavarria – 3-for-5, 2 RBIs and his 3rd homer, and third homer in four games. Hechavarria terrible hitter with three homers in four games? HAHAHA, the ball is so juiced! He has 275-foot power!
Jacob deGrom – 5 IP, 2 ER, 8 baserunners, 2 Ks, ERA at 3.71 vs. Clayton Kershaw – 6 IP, 3 ER, 11 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA at 3.46. This was a rematch of Game 1 of the 2015 NLDS when both pitchers combined for 24 strikeouts. So, is 2015 the funhouse mirror version of pitching or is 2019?
Cody Bellinger – 1-for-4 and his 19th homer. Yeah, but he’s only hitting .383. What a chump!
Chris Taylor – 3-for-5, 2 RBIs and his 4th homer, hitting .237. He’s a background extra, yet somehow he’s played 50 of 54 games. Is it me or does Dave Roberts start 11 hitters every game and no one’s called him on it?
Daniel Vogelbach – 2-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 15th homer, hitting .253. Last week I said Mitch Moreland is having one of those seasons where he’s not owned in 50% of leagues, but will end up a top 100 player. Vogelbach is pulling a Mitch without much effort. He’s resting Mitch face.
Mallex Smith – 2-for-3, 2 runs, 1 RBI and 4 steals (9, 10, 11, 12) with the stolen base cycle. Opposing catcher, Jeff Mathis, allowed seven steals yesterday. He’s so bad, he couldn’t even throw Mallex out at home.
Lance Lynn – 6 IP, 3 ER, 10 baserunners, 10 Ks, ERA at 4.66. Now four straight Quality Starts, striking out 11 last time out. The Streamonator loves his next start, and, after his run of starts, I’m gonna have to stream, which can only mean one thing. He’s going to defecate our fantasy teams.
Will Smith – Was called up from Triple-A. With Will Smith brought up by the Dodgers, I don’t feel half as stupid about going to see Aladdin Live and screaming, “Go Blue!” Will Smith is a technician with the bat, who knows how to get–Brain, “Don’t say jiggy wit it!”–jiggy wit’ it. “Dumb.” Frontal lobes just don’t understand! Not running out to grab Smith in mixed leagues, but in 2-catcher leagues, he had 8 HRs and hit .290 in Triple-A, and could be an all-league catcher quickly.
Jon Gray – 5 2/3 IP, 2 ER, 7 baserunners, 2 Ks, ERA at 4.52. Was pulled early due to a “hot spot” on a pitching hand finger. The Rockies knew it was bad when Ian Desmond saw “Jon Gray’s finger” on his wifi options when he was streaming Tom Emanski videos for help.
David Dahl – 1-for-4 and his 4th homer, hitting .305. I talk at length about Dahl on the podcast that’s coming later today. When he returned from his injury, it seemed he returned too fast, and I was concerned, but I’m encouraged by his homer. Maybe he just needed some time in Coors or a reverse sell jinx.
Charlie Blackmon – Hit the IL with a calf injury. Called up in his place is Yonathan Daza, who is the Boss. Daza is insanely high on the Prospectonator. That’s right, #2 overall. Unless he has playing time, not sure it matters, and the Rockies have never called up a rookie to play. So jaded!
Christian Walker – 0-for-5. An 11-inning game in Coors and Walker got five at-bats? Oh, this is gonna be good…*wavy lines* He went 0-for-5? This is the worst dream ever. Wait, this isn’t the dream and there was wavy lines because I didn’t pay my cable?! Play Kevin Cron, you cowards!
Luke Weaver – Hit the IL with forearm discomfort, which is short for Dr. James Andrews is going to be installing a new, smaller hot tub inside his larger hot tub.
James Paxton – Hoping to return on Wednesday so he can get his 2nd IL stint out of the way by mid-June.
Didi Gregorius – His rehab is moving to Triple-A, and I think I saw someone say he’s about a week away. Didi, Didi, can’t you see, sometimes your injury reports are poorly memorized by me.
Gary Sanchez – 1-for-4 and his 16th homer, hitting .265. We should prematurely pour out some for the brothers who are going to draft Sanchez way too early next year.
Brett Gardner – 1-for-2, 2 RBIs and his 8th homer, hitting .240. Since 2015, this is the 2nd fastest amount of games where he’s reached eight homers. “If not the fastest, we’ve failed!” That’s Commissioner Rob Manfred screaming at the cute-as-a-button Guatemalan women stitching the baseballs. “He is borracho on power.”
Matt Strahm – 6 IP, 3 ER, 7 baserunners, 10 Ks, ERA at 3.21. Before the game, “I’m debating benching Paddack in The House They Built In A Parking Lot Across From The House Ruth Built, so Strahm send me a sign what to do.” Six innings and three earned? That’s no sign! Well, 10 Ks is tilting me towards a start. This is gonna turn out great.
Jose Urena – 7 IP, 2 ER, 5 baserunners, 4 Ks, ERA at 4.11. Sonavabench! Ugh, I hate when I feel like I’m over-managing. Was a two-start week and his 2nd start isn’t bad, but I was afraid of this start…*opens a vacuum, screams into the abyss, coughs out dust* Any hoo! Streamonator is meh on his next start, but it’s in Petco.
Max Scherzer – 6 IP, 1 ER, 8 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 3.26, and yet another no decision. Sticking with the Memorial Day theme (that I’ve picked up and abandoned about five times in this post), when I Google “French military victories,” Google suggests, “Do you mean the Nats bullpen defeats?”