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Somehow, contact injuries are awful and non-contact injuries are even worse. It’s always something like, “Um, is that leg supposed to go in that direction?” It’s like three-quarters of someone’s body is going to get milk from the store and one leg is like, “Hey, I’m going to grab a burger.” Like most of someone’s body is headed to their friend’s house, and one random leg has the address typed into Waze for their friend’s home that they lived at in the 90’s. That happened to Gavin Lux heading to third base the other day. Gavin Lux tore his ACL and is out for the season. The good news is Miguel Vargas only has a fractured finger. I’ll be honest with you, unlike all those times I’ve lied through my teeth, I can’t get super excited for Vargas. I’ve tried. Boy George, have I tried! Now, he absolutely will get everyday at-bats though, so that moves him up in my 1st basemen rankings. Also, the top 500 for 2023 fantasy baseball was updated. Finally, the 2nd basemen rankings, which were depressing as it was, lost Lux and they really sux. Anyway, here’s what else I saw this preseason for 2023 fantasy baseball:

David Peralta – Signed with the Dodgers. Peralta is fine for real baseball. You know real baseball, it’s where they scratch themselves and aren’t yelled at by their mothers. He was updated and ranked in the top 100 outfielders, and James Outman was removed.

Jimmy Nelson – Signed with the Dodgers. Welp, he’s about to become a 15-game winner with a 2.20 ERA. Don’t ask how, I don’t know.

Tyler Glasnow – Out two months with a Grade 2 oblique strain. One grade for each month he’s gonna miss. Not really, but, sure, I guess. On one hand, Glasnow only threw six pitches before he injured himself. On the other hand that’s actually the Hamburger Helper on top of a mop, six pitches is a lot for him before an injury. Next time, spread those out. One pitch per month and he could’ve made it the whole season. So, I moved him all the way down to the top 80 starters, because there’s just no way he throws anywhere close to 100 IP, and who even knows about that, at this point. Glasnow was also adjusted in the pitchers’ pairings tool. Not sure if we can trust his offseason monkey training to lead-up into the season anymore, which is a major bummer.

Lance McCullers Jr. – Out with a muscle strain and will miss the start of the season. Writes on piece of paper, “Don’t throw 90% curveballs,” rolls up note and puts it into a Coke bottle and tosses it into the ocean. Ugh, does anyone remember if I wrote “Care of McCullers?” In my top 100 starters, I updated him, taking off 50 IP. Honestly, I wouldn’t be surprised if this is a completely lost year from him. Oh, and in no way related, here’s my Hunter Brown fantasy and Kirksey’s Hunter Brown fantasy. You’ve been warned. And warned.

Taylor Trammell – Broke his hamate bone and will miss seven weeks. That means in eight weeks Taylor Trammell will look like Aaron Judge if he had more power.

Aaron Ashby – Will miss a couple of months with shoulder inflammation. That means he returns in July “as good as new” and is shutdown in August with renewed soreness. I removed him from my top 500 for 2023 fantasy baseball.

Luke Voit – Signed with the Brewers. This is the greatest landing spot for him, if he were their actual 1st baseman and not 4th man down on the depth chart, and most likely to be released by May. Otherwise, terrific! He was removed from the top 500 for 2023 fantasy baseball.

Felix Bautista – Supposedly might not be ready to start the season. This is a massive red flag. Not moving him yet in my rankings, but the O’s are saying all kinds of things that lead me to believe they don’t want Bautista to get a lot of saves and jack up his arbitration price. I hope I am wrong about Felix like Oscar when they put tape down the middle of the apartment.

Ozzie Albies – Revealed he had offseason shoulder surgery. He says he’s 100%, which makes me never want to draft him again. Won’t be changing my 2nd basemen rankings, but I’d be lying if I told you I was drafting Albies with any confidence.

Franmil Reyes – Signed with the Royals. Put some KC rub on that $54 Vending Machine Steak! Tonight we gonna eat! Imagine seeing Pasketti and a $54 Vending Machine Steak on your team, and not licking your lips. Wouldn’t be me. Wash it down with some Drew Waters. Ya know, to watch calories.

Drew Waters – Speaking of Franmil’s least favorite beverage, Waters has a strained oblique. He will miss six to 60 weeks. Fun fact! Drew Waters translates to “What a beautiful still life” when thirsty. If you’re not thirsty, can I interest you in some Nate Eaton? Royals aren’t fielding a team, they’re doing a Keto diet. I didn’t change Waters in the top 100 outfielders, because he wasn’t getting a full season anyway. Eaton isn’t ranked, but he does have some speed for deep leagues.

Garrett Whitlock – Won’t be ready for Opening Day. Real question: When was the last time a Red Sox number five actually was their number five? I haven’t moved Whitlock in my rankings, because I never expected a full season from him anyway, so this doesn’t change much. In deep leagues, I’m still very interested very late in Brayan Bello, Bryan Mata and Brandon Walter. If you’re currently wondering how late is very late, then they’re too late for your league.

Robbie Grossman – Signed with the Rangers. Perfect fit! Now when someone says Semien, you can reply, “Grossman.” He pushes Josh H. Smith to the bench, and I wonder how did the Rangers spend $750 million and still have a spot for Robbie Grossman to move right into the lineup?

Frankie Montas – Sounds out for the season as he underwent shoulder surgery. Thus it begins. What’s “it?” It is me being the one guy who ranked a pitcher later than everyone else, and told everyone to not draft him. All that is for naught though, because next to no drafts happened when Montas went down. Now it will look like everyone told you to avoid Montas when they compare rankings next year, but only one person told you to avoid him when it mattered. I’m gonna need shoulder surgery too from patting my own back. Next up for season-ending surgery will be Lance McCullers Jr. You’ve been warned (about Hunter Brown).

Elvis Andrus – Signed with the White Sox. Don’t really love him for fantasy. Unless he’s got Austin Butler playing him. Then sign me up! That kid was born to play Elvis! Shortstops rankings were updated.

Donovan Solano – Signed with the Twins. Perfect, it is after all the Season of the Pitch (clock).

Joe Musgrove – Broke his toe when he dropped a weight on it. See, this is why I don’t lift weights. Just smart thinking by your man Grey–Ow, I just hurt my bicep by typing too hard. Any hoo! I wouldn’t overreact to this Musgrove news. I lowered him in the top 40 starters, but still have him within range of drafting.

Michael Wacha – Signed with the Padres. Says a lot about Wacha that he didn’t sign until camp opened and for $7 mill. He could be the answer to the Padres’ prayers. If the prayers were, “Please give us a 120-inning guy who can team up with two other middle relief and give us a total of one 200-inning fifth starter.”

Andrew Chafin – Signed with the Diamondbacks. That gives the Dbacks a pen of Chafin and I.M. Chaffed (Melancon). Diamondbacks also have everyone in-between in their bullpen getting saves. This year the Diamondbacks are being projected to have more closers than wins. In my top 500 for 2023 fantasy baseball, I still have Ginkel as the head of the closer committee in Arizona, but I’d be lying if I said I had any faith in that.

Michael Fulmer – Signed with the Cubs. “Fulmer? I barely half her!” That’s a magician. Stop thinking dirty. JKJ updated the Bullpen Chart, and always updates it with all news. You should bookmark it. It gets updated all the time.

Seiya Suzuki – Out with an oblique injury, which means he’ll miss two weeks or two months. After his injuries last year, about to start calling him Seeya Suzuki. Have no faith in Suzuki, and he was updated to the top 60 outfielders.

Randal Grichuk – Had hernia surgery, and will miss the start of the season. Did someone say “hernia surgery” and “Miss?” *crosses legs* Oh, nuts! He was moved down in the top 100 outfielders for 2023 fantasy baseball.

JJ Bleday – Traded to the A’s. This deal was Bleday for Puk, which feels like the classic, “We don’t know what to do with this guy, you want him?” trade. Jake Jake Bleday has a ton of power and not much else, but power plays, as they say on the ice. He was added into the top 100 outfielders for 2023 fantasy baseball.

A.J. Puk – Went the other way to the Marlins in the Bleday trade. Fun fact! His full name is Aject Puk, so his first name is an onomatopoeia of his surname. Any hoo! I talked to Marlins’ beat writer, Craig Mish, and asked him who he thought was going to get the most Marlins saves this year, and he said a few interesting things. Marlins’ new manager and former-Formula One driver, Schumaker, wants to take what was done in St. Louis and use it in Miami. Just use the best guy, so maybe Puk. Finally, if you had to take a flyer in the 50th round of a crazy deep league for saves, Huascar Brazoban touches 98, and I don’t mean on the thermometer. All of this has been adjusted into the top 500 for 2023 fantasy baseball.