Yesterday, Evan Gattis went 2-for-4, 3 runs, 4 RBIs with his 5th and 6th homers, while hitting four homers in the last three days. After the game, Gattis likened this streak to the five red lights in a row where the first car to stop had broken windshield wipers and Gattis had a squeegee. Adding, “Right now, I’m swinging the squeegee as good as ever. There was one guy, Non-Tall Paul, who claimed to get a six-red-light streak back in ’98. Non-Tall Paul reminds me of Altuve, actually. Size-wise. Not smell-wise. He smelled of grapes. Very, very rancid grapes.” Okay, Gattis! This weekend Gattis reminds us how ridiculous it was that people wanted to drop him in the first week-plus when he was striking out like Non-Tall Paul at a plus-sized model runway show. I think someone even asked me in the first two weeks if I had revised projections for Gattis. Guys and five girl readers (we have a new one! Hey, lady!), the season isn’t even a month old yet. You need to trust your players. Anyway, here’s what else I saw this weekend in fantasy baseball:
Chris Carter – 1-for-3, 2 RBIs and his 3rd homer. This comes after an 0-for-11 stretch with 7 Ks. Carter is a Two True Outcome player, or simply 2 T’s, or simply Kim Fields.
Marwin Gonzalez – 2-for-4, 1 run, 1 RBI. Fun fact! Elmer Fudd’s favorite Florida team is the Marwins. Marwin has gone five for his last twelve, and with Lowrie down, he’s getting playing time, but he’s really only worthwhile in AL-Only leagues.
Nelson Cruz – 1-for-4 yesterday and 3-for-4 with two homers on Saturday (12, 13). I had a dream where there was a relay race with A-Rod, Chris Davis and Cruz running around the track and A-Rod was handing the baton off to Cruz, only the baton was a syringe, and the crowd was filled with life-sized ketchup bottles. Any ideas what this means?
Austin Jackson – Left yesterday’s game after rolling his ankle. “What a weird thing to want to smoke,” said Tim Lincecum.
J.A. Happ – 6 IP, 6 ER. I think that officially puts a wooden spike through every preseason sleeper. Is there any upside pitchers left? Where have you gone, Tony Cingrani? Our nation turns its lonely eyes to you.
Ryan Hanigan – Had hand surgery and will be out until the All-Star break. Dan Pants hit you with his Blake Swihart fantasy, and I agree with him, and grabbed him in one league. I grabbed Swihart, I didn’t grab Dan Pants. Weirdo!
Joe Kelly – 4 2/3 IP, 5 ER, ERA up to 5.72. Well, he is throwing fast!
Jacoby Ellsbury – 4-for-4, 2 runs, hitting .351. He has one homer and nine steals on the year. Member when it seemed like he was a 30-homer guy? I wonder if him and Joe Mauer ever get together and talk about that. Like over tea and scones.
Brett Gardner – 2-for-6, 2 runs, 3 RBIs and a slam (2) and double helping of legs (7, 8), hitting .320. Gardner’s starting to do work as the flowers come to bloom. Damn, I’m poetic!
Mark Teixeira – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 9th homer. So, I shouldn’t have dropped him. Got it. Loud and clear. Old story, don’t need to keep hitting homers. Thanks.
Anthony Rendon – Was scratched Saturday from his Double-A rehab game. I’m gonna blame allergy season on all of Rendon’s scratching and not his bones made of No. 2 pencils.
Gio Gonzalez – 7 IP, 0 ER, 8 baserunners, 9 Ks, ERA down to 3.86 vs. the Mets, and just this quickly it looks like the Mets are no longer a good team. As quick as it happened, just that quickly it stuck its head back in its turtle shell and the Mets haven’t scored in two days. As for Gio, his K-rate is 9.20, his walk rate is in the threes and his xFIP is 3.19, which are pretty much what they’ve always been in his career, but his ERA is a half run above where it always is. Why? Cause he’s been unlucky. That’s as uncomplicated as Minnie Pearl.
Doug Fister – 6 1/3 IP, 5 baserunners, 3 Ks, ERA down to 2.61. This was Fister vs. the Mess when usually it’s Fister equals the Mess.
Dillon Gee – 5 IP, 1 ER, 11 baserunners, 5 Ks. This was his 51st consecutive start of pitching five or more innings, which is a new Mets record. Elias Sports Bureau added that this was the 7th time it’s reported this record and still no one cares.
Tim Lincecum – 8 IP, 0 ER, 4 baserunners, 4 Ks, ERA down to 2.40. He’s had some rotten luck for the last few years with his ERA, but this year he’s actually been worse than he’s been the last few years, but is getting lucky. Lincecum said, “So, tell me more about this rolled ankle.”
Nori Aoki – 1-for-3 and his 1st homer, hitting .307. Hopefully, when The Gangly Manbird returns, there’s no problems getting Aoki into the lineup. The Gangly Manbird is a territorial animal that has been known to squawk at and chew on the heads of intruders.
Joe Panik – 2-for-4, 2 runs and his 1st homer, hitting .293. Panik hasn’t done a whole lot recently, or ever in the history of man. Just remain calm.
Corey Kluber – 5 IP, 4 ER, 10 baserunners, 3 Ks, ERA at 4.62. I thought his nadir was last week, but he one-downed his nadir and went even more nadir-ey. He is the nadiriest! Droopy Dog saying, “Going down?” and Kluber’s saying yes! The Devil scratching his inner thigh with his pitchfork, notices something below him, “What’s that?” It’s Kluber. I’d still buy Kluber as I just said. Now might be the last chance to do so.
Trevor Bauer – 4 1/3 IP, 6 ER, 10 baserunners (3 BBs), 1 K vs. the Jays, ERA up to 3.38, which is still below his walk rate (4.9), but barely, and may not be for long. How about that K to BB rate in spring training, huh? What, we shouldn’t mention that anymore in May? Maybe we shouldn’t have mentioned it in March either. Here’s something Gammons, Heyman or Dan Pants won’t tell you. In March, they need to fill columns. Saying that March stats don’t matter doesn’t exactly sell digital papers. Okay, I’m done talking about spring training. Promise. nlfkjcd*72 Sorry, fingers were crossed.
Jason Kipnis – 4-for-5, 3 runs, 2 RBIs and his 3rd homer, and 2nd in three games. Oh well, it looks like you didn’t overreact fast enough and now you’re gonna have to keep him on your team. Bummer!
Michael Brantley – 2-for-3, 2 runs, 2 RBIs, hitting .352, and has one homer and three steals on the year. I’m on the fence with how close I think he’s going to come to repeating last year’s season. The average-slash-hard-hit balls don’t seem to be letting up, which means it’ll come down to power and speed. Speed will be mostly dependent on his back health, and power feels like it could fall to around 12 homers, due to HR/FB %. I don’t think he’s going to disappoint you, but I also don’t see 2nd round value coming.
Drew Hutchison – 4 1/3 IP, 6 ER, ERA up to 7.47, as flown by Denzel in the movie Flight. “I love that Hutch” will now return to only being said by furniture enthusiasts and Starsky haters.
Devon Travis – 1-for-5, 4 RBIs with the grand slam, his 7th homer. Whenever I see him, I can’t help singing Madonna’s Who’s That Girl song but with some slight modifications, “Quien es Gris’s nino, who’s my boy?! Senor Gris, mas fino, who’s my boy?!”
Michael Saunders – 2-for-3, 1 run, 1 RBI and two days in a row with multiple hits. Saunders is starting to heat up, and, yes, I still like him, so I would grab him.
Johnny Cueto – 6 IP, 5 ER vs. the Braves. He just ran into a red-hot Kelly Johnson (1-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 5th homer) and Jonny Gomes (1-for-4 and his 3rd homer). Wait, what?! Kelly Johnson has 5 homers?! Kelly Johnson has more homers and RBIs than Freddie Freeman! Up is black right now! Next thing you’re gonna tell me that I write 2500 words daily about fantasy baseball. Wait, WHAT!? Hayzeus Cristo, don’t tell my age 13 to 30 year-old self. Feel free to tell my 13-year-old or under self. He’d be impressed. Assuming he understood becoming a professional wrestler valet just wasn’t in the cards. …Actually, there’s still time for that!
Julio Teheran – 6 IP, 0 ER, 5 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA down to 3.82. Teheran looks back on track. Don’t tell a Bush, they will bomb them back to hell.
Desmond Jennings – To the DL with knee issues, which is different than Jimmy Hitler’s problems. He has née issues.
Nate Karns – 5 IP, 0 ER, 3 baserunners, 4 Ks, ERA down to 4.05. Karns tootin! When Karns avoids walking guys, good things happen. Unfortch, he has a 4.5 walk rate in his major league career. The Stream-o-Nator liked his game yesterday, but not his next, so do what you do.
Steve Pearce – Lifted in the middle of yesterday’s game with a stomach illness. He thinks he must’ve ate something while the Orioles were in Tampa, but he’s not sure. They’ve been eating at all of Tampa’s most popular spots: Hooter’s, Cheesecake Factory, P.F. Chang’s, Quizno’s, Jimmy John’s, TGIF’s, McDonald’s. Oh, wait, that’s every city in America’s most popular spots.
Adam Jones – 4-for-4, 2 RBIs, hitting .402. Defrost the frozen Ted Williams head! Poke the Mantle donated-to-science liver! Knock the astronaut ice cream out of Hank Aaron’s hand as he lies in a hyperbaric oxygen therapy chamber! We got a live one!
Wei-Yin Chen – 6 IP, 2 ER, 9 baserunners, 4 Ks, ERA at 2.83. Don’t worry, I won’t bore you with how Chen’s been good since June of last year. Numbers, schnumbers! We want hype!
J.J. Hardy – There’s rumors floating that Hardy could be activated this week. Oh, wait, those aren’t rumors. Everyone out of the pool!
Miguel Gonzalez – 7 2/3 IP, 0 ER, 5 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA down to 2.59. Gondazzlez! JB’s top 100 starters and pitcher profile that’s coming later today will be about Gonzalez, so I won’t say more than doode’s been a 2.50 ERA pitcher for, like, the past six months.
Michael Wacha – 6 2/3 IP, 0 ER, 7 baserunners, 2 Ks, ERA at 1.93. Wait, wait, it gets more absurd. His K-rate is 4.96. Hahahahahahaha… Breathe, Grey, breathe! Man, I lost it there for a second. I thought I read Wacha had a 4.96 K/9 and a 1.93 ERA. Those two would never be found together unless the pitcher was crazy lucky. Let’s just hope we get to Friday and Wacha can still be a sell for my Buy/Sell.
Kolten Wong – 3-for-4 and his 2nd homer as he was batting ninth, after he pinch-hit in the pitcher’s spot. When he was hitting in the eight-hole, I didn’t mean literally how could it get worse.
Pedro Alvarez – 1-for-2 and his 5th homer, hitting .227. Marla Gibbs welcomes you with open arms.
Jung-ho Kang – 2-for-5 and his 1st homer. Doesn’t Kang sound like King Kong and Jessica Lange’s child after Kong was so whipped that it was either Kong-Lange or Kang? Hmm, maybe it’s just me.
Mike Fiers – 6 IP, 1 ER, 5 baserunners, 12 Ks, ERA down to 4.74. This Fiers was the one I imagined when I called him a sleeper in the preseason, and drafted him on multiple teams. Luckily, those leagues were so deep that I wasn’t able to drop him and I reaped some special yum-yums on Saturday. I don’t think we’re completely out of the woods, said the wolf to Red Riding Hood, but I’d obviously own Fiers in case the corner has been turned.
Jean Segura – Hit on the helmet by a pitch for the 2nd time this season. As the book, All I Really Need to Know I Learned in Kindergarten, tells us, you should wear your glove on your head.
Aramis Ramirez – 2-for-3, 3 RBIs and his 3rd homer, hitting .233. This came the same day the Brewers fired their manager. Now, JB’s dreams of being the Brewers’ manager are going to become more intense than ever. Diane Sawyer is not interviewing you as the new Brewers manager, JB; it’s a dream!
Carlos Gomez – 2-for-5, 1 run, 1 RBI and stole two bases when he returned from the DL on Saturday. Kevin from ESPN’s “Get Him In Your Lineup” Department said, “Read the sign above my head!”
Jimmy Nelson – 6 2/3 IP, 3 ER, 9 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 4.03, and his xFIP is 4.08 as he thumbs his nose at sabermetricians, which means FU if done to Italian sabermetricians. For what it’s Werth, Fiers’s stats look insanely good, Nelson’s stats look mostly meh.
Jason Hammel – 6 IP, 3 ER, 6 baserunners, 4 Ks, ERA at 3.73. He’d seem so much more intimidating if he changed the spelling of his name to H.A.M.mel.
Carlos Rodon – White Sox said Rodon will be in the rotation soon. I’m sitting with my elbow on my knee, propping my head up with my hand, thinking about picking up Rodon. I’m the fantasy baseball Thinker.
Avisail Garcia – 3-for-4, 1 run, 1 RBI, hitting .342. Wow, that’s a surprise. I’ve been getting all kinds of comments about dropping Avisail. Yeah, okay, color me befuddled.
Brian Dozier – 4-for-5, 1 run, 1 RBI, hitting .240. Better hurry up and drop him before he starts doing what you drafted him for. Quick!
Kennys Vargas – 2-for-5, 2 runs and his 2nd homer, hitting .208, but hitting near-.375 in the last week. A rising hot schmotato from the ashes (and wrapped in aluminum foil and topped with chives and bacon)!
Trevor Plouffe – 3-for-5, 2 runs, 5 RBIs and his 5th homer, hitting .278. This was his 2nd homer in as many games and third homer this week. Oh, yeah, he’s full-on schmotato, as well. The Twins are hot, y’all!
Nolan Arenado – 3-for-5, 3 RBIs and two homers (5, 6), hitting .314. *licks the whipped cream out of a tin foil pie dish, sees a picture of Arenado on a bear skin rug* Hey, that’s my Pi!
Charlie Blackmon – 3-for-5 and two solo homers (4, 5). Those two homers not only got out of Petco, but also through a glass ceiling.
Jedd Gyorko – 1-for-1, 2 RBIs and a homer. I told you he was a sleeper! *slowly backs out of room, accidentally backs into a room filled with drafters of Gyorko* Hey, fellas.
Derek Norris – 1-for-3, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 2nd homer, hitting .337. From Derek Norris Facts dot com, Derek Norris can stay healthy and hit .300. These facts are lame.
Billy Burns – 1-for-4 and a caught stealing, as he was called up on Saturday. Saturday was a great day for the ICU with Fiers turning it on and Burns up. All we need is the Marlins prospect, Julio Blisterio, to pop. Or at least Puig to return with some oinkment. I love Burns as much as any SAGNOFer could who needs steals. He’s got 45-steal speed with an everyday job, and, unfortch, I don’t think he plays every day, because, brucely, no one on the A’s plays every day. Though, Burns is no worse than Gose or Rajai, and should be owned everywhere.
Sonny Gray – 6 2/3 IP, 0 ER, 9 baserunners, 10 Ks, ERA down to 1.67. Gra/ey is/are awesome.
Stephen Vogt – 2-for-3, 4 RBIs and two homers (5, 6). Rock the Vogt hasn’t been this popular since Judd from The Real World: San Francisco publicly endorsed a libertarian candidate in the 1998 3rd District Councilman race in San Fran. Even with the endorsement, Puck still lost.
Josh Reddick – 2-for-4, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 4th homer, hitting .391. I haven’t been this aroused by a Reddick since I accidentally wandered into the Ladyboy section of downtown Bangkok.
Greg Holland – Will return on Tuesday, which is Cinco de Mayo, which in Holland is Cinco de Mayo. They have May 5th there too.
Miguel Cabrera – 3-for-4, 1 run, 2 RBIs and his 6th homer, hitting .366. To paraphrase Kendrick Lamar, “Life ain’t shizz but a fat Miggy Cabrera.”
Josh Hamilton – Set to begin a rehab assignment. Ain’t that overdue!
Hyun-Jin Ryu – About to face hitters. Swipe to the left!
Brett Anderson – 6 IP, 0 ER, 5 baserunners, 4 Ks vs. Chase Anderson 6 IP, 0 ER, 3 baserunners, 7 Ks in a battle alphabetical superiority. Ugh, again Chase Anderson’s stats look worthy of owning in all leagues, but the last time that happened, he got rocked. It’s hard to find fault with a 8.3 K/9, 2.2 BB/9, 3.36 xFIP guy and I’d try to own him again if you got rattled after his last start.
Mat Latos – Has been cleared for Tuesday start. Emphasis on “has been.”
Chase Utley – 0-for-5, 1 run, hitting .108. This is the worst month by a 2nd baseman since 1985 when Bobby Grich smashed a guitar at a children’s fundraiser, after misinterpreting the Whoville theme.