Jose Bautista is such a douche canoe. He bat-flipped after a home run that cut the Braves lead to 8-4. That’s like “Pimp my Ride” with a Hyundai. That’s like moonwalking at a bar mitzvah with toilet paper on your shoe. That’s like screaming at your recently ex-girlfriend, “I’ll never be alone, because I will always have my mom!” He’s hitting .208, and hasn’t looked right since Odor ended him like Drago ended Apollo. Any hoo! This has nothing to do with Bautista. Well, kinda. Freddie Freeman was hit on the wrist, and then all hell broke out for the better part of the Jays/Braves games. Freeman looked like he was in serious pain and he’s headed for an MRI and CT scan today. I don’t own him, but I will join your prayer hexagon if you need me. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:
Justin Smoak – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 9th homer, and his 4th homer this week, and he’s owned in only 14% of ESPN leagues. Oh. *runs a marathon* Kay.
Josh Donaldson – Won’t rejoin the club this weekend. Not to yell fire in the theater of Razzball, but this is feeling like a lost season for Donaldson. I know, I know, still plenty of time left, but it’s not feeling good.
David Phelps – Mattingly hinted at moving Phelps into the starting rotation. Here’s what I would’ve said to Mattingly if I were a reporter, “So, you’re saying you might be conceivably moving your best pitcher into the rotation?” Why aren’t more reporters sarcastic? That would get things done. “So, Dusty are you considering putting Glover, easily your best reliever, into the closer role or are you going to continue effin’ around with Shawn Kelley who can’t stay healthy and is not good?”
Jose Urena – 5 2/3 IP, 1 ER, 8 baserunners, 3 Ks, ERA at 1.93. Been pretty happy with results so far on Urena, which is not the same as my autocorrect thinking I had tests done on my urethra. *Shudders* My results are only for my NL-Only league, and results will greatly vary in mixed leagues. More like nixed leagues! Right?! No? Okay.
Lance McCullers – 6 IP, 0 ER, 5 baserunners, 3 Ks, ERA at 2.65. I would’ve liked to see more Ks, but I am a whiny b*tch, and McCullers doesn’t deserve an ingrate like me owning him. I apologize a thousand times like an Asian who is stalling on committing hari-kari. How about you stop at 347 apologies and do the deed already?
George Springer – 2-for-5, 1 run, 2 RBIs, hitting .257. He was involved in every run the Astros scored yesterday, because Springer is worth every penny of his draft day price. Negative speed score be damned!
Mike Leake – 7 IP, 2 ER, 7 baserunners (0 BBs), 5 Ks, ERA at 2.03. Tie-In Idea! The Cardinals players should dress like girls from The Handmaid’s Tale. Like that wouldn’t be the most watched regular season game ever. “Yadier throws from his knees and gets the runner! Damn, he is fertile! He looks ready for Ceremony Day!”
Dexter Fowler – 1-for-4 and his 5th homer. Looks like his shoulder is feeling better (I’m trying to jinx him because I want Pham to stay around even after Piscotty returns). That Fowler, nothing can stop him (yup, still jinxing).
Jackie Bradley Jr. – 2-for-5, 2 RBIs and his 4th homer, and 3rd homer of the week. He’s obviously come out of his funk, so watch how many people still ask to drop him. It’s almost like they don’t even look at their teams.
Rick Porcello – 6 IP, 4 ER, 12 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 4.23. This is who Porcello is, which is to say I’m half expecting him to win the Cy Young again in 2018.
Miguel Cabrera – Sidelined with an oblique strain. Ironically, his oblique also drafted Miggy in its fantasy league. What’s the chances?
Michael Fulmer – 7 IP, 3 ER, 10 baserunners (zero BBs), 4 Ks, ERA at 2.72. Okay, time to dig in on Fulmer. 7.8 K/9; 2.2 BB/9; 3.73 xFIP; averages 95 MPH on his fastball; has three pitches; line drives up, but hard contact is mostly going the opposite way, which might be why his homers are always low, making people chase outside the strike zone more; BABIP is saying he’s been lucky. Overall, number three to four fantasy starter.
Corey Dickerson – 2-for-5, 3 RBIs and his 9th homer, and 17th homer in the last four games. The hypnotism to convince Dickerson he’s still in Colorado has paid off handsomely! Hopefully he’s not caught with too much weed.
Logan Morrison – 1-for-3 and his 11th homer, hitting .246. You jumping out of a DeLorean in March, “You go ahead with Abreu, Hosmer, Santana, Rizzo, yadda-blah-bloo, I’m gonna draft Morrison instead in the 26th round.” “There’s only 25 rounds.” “Exactly my point!”
Jesus Sucre – 2-for-4, 2 runs, 2 RBIs, and his 2nd homer. Sweet Jesus!
Alex Cobb – 7 IP, 3 ER, 7 baserunners, 7 Ks, ERA at 3.67. Cobb vs. the Indians, sounds like hide and seek with the Pilgrims. “This is not what we signed up for with Thanksgiving!” As for Cobb, I like him, would’ve preferred to see him pulled after six innings and 103 pitches vs. 7 IP and 115 pitches, but he looked solid at the end, so what do I know? Stream-o-Nator hates his next start, but I could see starting him there. Again, what do I know?
Tim Beckham – 3-for-4, 1 run, 1 RBI, hitting .279 with seven homers on the season. I’m gonna totally put it out of my mind that he’s playing better than Odor. Right after, I abnormally focus on it for two hours.
Josh Tomlin – 2 1/3 IP, 6 ER, ERA at 6.86. Pitching as well as his dyslexic acronym brother, To-Jo.
Bradley Zimmer – 2-for-4, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 1st homer in his 2nd game. Shucks, hopefully you dropped him after his first game, because now it might be harder to rationalize.
Jesse Hahn – 5 IP, 4 ER, 7 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 3.21. I can’t go along with this charade! There doesn’t seem to be anything to his change! You know, I feel so dirty when Julio Teheran makes my fantasy team look like Beirut! I wanna tell him that I love him, but this Points League is prolly moot! Still, I don’t want Jesse Hahn. I’ve been a fan of Hahn in the past, but I can’t see owning him in leagues shallower than 15-team mixed leagues outside of streams. So, leave him to the Stream-o-Nator.
Johnny Cueto – 6 IP, 5 ER, ERA at 4.50. How many times is he going to face Kershaw this year? He’s already faced him two dozen times, I can’t take many more!
Eduardo Nunez – 1-for-4 and his 1st homer, hitting .262, but hitting near-.350 in the last week and four steals in the last four games. The Convent is hot! Ya know, Edu-Nun, a convent, it works, kinda, go with it.
Clayton Kershaw – 7 IP, 0 ER, 3 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA at 2.15. Yeah, he’s awesome, no dur, but did you see the lineup the Giants sent out there? The middle of their order is practically a baseball SOS — Morse! Panik!
Yasmani Grandal – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs, hitting .287. I’m not trying to invite catcher questions, but I picked up Yasmani two weeks ago and he’s hitting .391 on my team with 13 RBIs in 46 ABs.
Justin Turner – 2-for-3, 2 runs. He only has one homer on the year, so he hasn’t gotten a ton of pub from me, plus, I don’t really drink, so me and a pub sounds like a bunch of sober pool shooting and trying to get off a stool without using the bar’s steppy-thing. Any hoo! Guess what Turner is hitting on the year? Go ahead. I’ll wait. Forget it! Too long! He’s hitting .372. Um, well, zoinks to that.
Zack Cozart – 3-for-5, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 4th homer, and 2nd homer in as many games, hitting .350. You know what time it is. Hot schmotato time!
Aaron Hicks – 2-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 7th homer, hitting .326. I’m crazy about him, but I’m not the problem. Girardi’s the schmohawk putting together the lineup like it’s the TV schedule on ESPN Classic. Turn off the Ellsbury highlights!
Jason Vargas – 4 IP, 6 ER, ERA up to 2.03. The Regression Fairies call their significant other bae, they watch The Handmaid’s Tale through the cracks of their fingers with their hands pressed against their eyes, and they come for your ratios.
Jose Abreu – 2-for-5, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 7th homer. Well, at least he’s not Miggy. Nah’mean?
Cameron Maybin – 3-for-4, 2 runs, and eight for his last ten while hitting leadoff. Hot schmotato alert!
Gregory Polanco – Hit the DL. Conspiracy Theory Alert! Marte got busted, but the entire team was taking something, and they’ve all stopped. This is libelous, until you realize it’s likely true, which is also libelous to say, but it’s true and that’s libelous, but not, because it’s true, but libel, but no, but yes, but–I can do this all day.
Andrew McCutchen – 2-for-4, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 4th and 5th steals, hitting .214. Knee McClutchin’s not taking stories of his demise lying down! Cause if he lays down with his knee it’s hard to get up again. He sleeps propped against an armoire.
Gerrit Cole – 7 IP, 1 ER, 5 baserunners, 3 Ks, ERA at 2.84. His average 97 MPH fastball would be a bit less yawnstipating with Ks. Cust kayin’.
Josh Bell – 1-for-3, 3 RBIs and his 8th homer, hitting .246. I’m gonna go out on a Terry Crews limb and say Bell’s the Pirates’ best hitter. Agreed? Cool. So, how about that C**nt Hurdle subbing him out every game? Pretty cool, huh?
Matt Albers – 1 IP, 1 ER, ERA at 1.15, as he came into the 7th inning. Okay, this blurb is simply for me. Rest of you can move on. Grey, why do you own Albers on four teams? The saves thing is not happening, buddy. Do you have him because his name sounds like someone pronouncing Fat Albert after Bill Cosby’s spiked your drink? Put down the Cosbypolitan, and drop Albers. Thanks, bro. And nice hair!
Trevor Cahill – Hit the DL with a shoulder strain. Well, you guys had a good run. Okay, more like a 15-yard dash, but Cahill hasn’t pitched more than 111 IP in four years, so what did you expect?
Andrew Cashner – 7 IP, 2 ER, 9 baserunners, 2 Ks, ERA at 2.45. Cashner’s WHIP (1.34) and K/9 (4.2) are ludicrous. His walk rate (4.7) is higher than his K-rate! He’s the opposite of Samardzija. Trim goatee — nah, bushy beard! Good K-rate — nah, pitch to contact! Fighting Irish supporter — nah, Pacifist Brit supporter (cheerio, Neville Chamberlain).
Delino DeShields – 4-for-4, 1 run as he batted ninth. Choo (3-for-4, 1 run, 3 RBIs) hit leadoff, so there’s no immediate rush to promote DeShizz up the order. Did I say Odor? Get your shizz together, you bastard!
Michael Conforto – 1-for-5, 2 RBIs and his 10th homer. To misquote The Avett Brothers and direct it right at Conforto, “Three words that you’ve made it easy to say, I and love and you.”
Matt Harvey – 5 1/3 IP, 3 ER, 10 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA at 5.56. All foolsies aside, he hasn’t been good in two years. If you own him, it’s because you’re expecting a pitcher that no longer exists. Here’s frequent commenter, OaktownSteve’s take, “Matt Harvey is the latest example of an old story: if you’re a party guy, and you’re on top of the game, you’re a legend. But if you slip on the field, you’re a schmuck and a half. If he’s pitching to a 2.00 ERA this year, nobody even hears about what he does on his free time.”
Patrick Corbin – 6 IP, 4 ER, 10 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 4.38. He was beat up at home by a lineup featuring the three-hole guy, Wilmer Flores (3-for-5) and Juan Lagares (1-for-5 and his 1st homer). That’s Pat, but not short for Patrick, instead pathetic.
Chris Herrmann – 2-for-4 and a walk-off homer, his 3rd homer. Now let Herrmann use whatever bathroom they want!
Jake Lamb – 1-for-3, 2 RBIs and his 9th homer, and 2nd homer in two games. Wham bam, thank you, Lamb!
David Peralta – Didn’t play again due to his tight glute. Reminds me of the Nordic bodybuilder, Glute Fisk. Fun to talk to about fitness if julbord.