I watched every single second of AJ Smith-Shawver‘s start and I ran through the wall so many times the Kool-Aid filed a copyright suit against me. Trademark this, beeyatch! Only, I didn’t say beeyatch. I said nothing on advice of my counsel. You can’t take these things lightly. Could AJ Smith-Shawver (8 IP, 0 ER, 1 hit, 4 walks, 5 Ks, ERA at 3.00) be this year’s Touki? For those that don’t know, many years ago, Touki Toussaint emerged from a genie lamp wearing a patchwork shroud and pixie dust and sprinkled that shizz on himself and had a once-in-a-lifetime great season. Now, once a year, he sprinkles the dust and lets a new Braves starter wear the Shroud of Touki, as news stations started calling it. This Shroud makes pitchers magical. First, Ian Anderson, then Bryce Elder, then Jair Jurrjens asked to wear it and Touki said no, then Spencer Strider, who kept that shizz on for two years, and the list grew and people started wondering, “Why doesn’t Touki just wear the stupid Shroud himself again?” Who knows, but, better yet, who cares. So, did AJ Smith-Shawver don it? Yesterday’s start will perfume up his peripherals a bit, but he’s at 9 K/9, 4.3 BB/9, 3.99 xFIP, and that is pretty meh, tee bee aitch. Hey, I wish I had better news! Yesterday, was a great start, and I streamed him for his two-start week, but I can’t say I’m incredibly confident in his next start, i.e., this ASS may have some quit, but at least now you know what it workin’ wit’. On a side note, dear reader, I know: It’s impossible to say Cincinnati and Smith-Shawver in a sentence and not sound like Sean Connery at some point. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:
Matt Olson – 1-for-3, 2 RBIs and his 6th homer, hitting .225. His home run was because the left fielder ran into a wall and never got up. Matt Olson with the Ivan Drago home run.
Brady Singer – 6 IP, 4 ER, 9 baserunners, 2 Ks, ERA at 3.66. Braves haven’t been great, but at home they still scare me and Streamonator.
Evan Carter – Was recalled. I don’t know, guys and five girls. He’s been so bad for so long. Do you wanna try the upside play? Then try it. Do I think he’s gonna do anything more than maybe 5/10/.220? Nope.
Brett Baty – Was recalled, and didn’t start. Baty and Evan Carter should be on the same team, a KBO team. Put Baty in Korea and he’d be better than Hawkeye. The problem with Baty is he can’t hit MLB pitching. As you might’ve guessed, that is a slight hindrance for a major leaguer.
Pete Alonso – 2-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 9th homer, hitting .349. Albombso! By the by, this is a once in a lifetime season Alonso is having and you can chase it by drafting him next year, but you’ll never see this again.
Francisco Lindor – 1-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 7th homer, hitting .289. Street Fighter’s Chun-Li’s husband is Fran-Li, which also happens to be what Lindor’s name shortens to, and “Shoryuken!” is what Ken shouts, which is his and his buddy’s names, so it’s like you shouting, “Jimmybob!” when you punch someone.
Griffin Canning – 5 IP, 1 ER, 7 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 2.50. I am an Elle Fanning of Griffin Canning.
Jesse Winker – Hit the IL with a Grade 2 oblique strain. A Grade 2 strain takes eight weeks to heal and naps after lunch.
Corbin Carroll – 2-for-4, 2 runs and his 10th homer. He could go 30/50, but he’s on pace for 47/22. Weird!
Ryne Nelson – 4 1/3 IP, 2 ER, ERA at 5.48. Putting someone in a full nelson is when “one or both arms are used to encircle the opponent’s arm under the armpit, and secured at the opponent’s neck.” A Ryne Nelson is when you start a guy out of desperation.
Cole Ragans – 5 IP, 0 ER, 5 baserunners, 11 Ks, ERA at 3.79. If he could’ve thrown 140 pitches, he would’ve struck out 20 White Sox yesterday, I know this as fact.
Shane Smith – 5 IP, 2 ER, 8 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA at 2.41. In one league, where I’m in and out of 1st place, I started Shane Smith and Casparius. I don’t say this as some sorta flex. It’s absolutely a flex! There’s no sorta about it! Though, seriously, it’s why drafting top starters is so silly. You get to May and you’re starting goofy guys and no one cares who drafted Skenes in the 1st round.
Shea Langeliers – 1-for-3, 2 RBIs and his 7th homer, 2nd homer in a week. Few of you play in OBP leagues, but I saw it and now you have to: Langliers has a .277 OBP in 1300 plate appearances. Shea butter OBP.
Luis Severino – 6 IP, 4 ER, 9 baserunners (4 BBs), 4 Ks, ERA at 3.62. Can’t start a guy at home is like rain on your wedding day, a black fly in your Chardonnay.
Bryce Miller – 4 IP, 4 ER, ERA at 4.15. What on earth is going on with his 4.9 BB/9? Are his mechanics more screwed up than the Pep Boys?
Shota Imanaga – Hit the IL with a hamstring strain. Eminem’s fantasy team named Not Gonna Waste My Shota looks kinda silly now.
Carson Kelly – 1-for-4 and his 8th homer, hitting .361. He’s having the season I was supposed to get from Danny Jansen. You stole my Danny! You swindler!
Ian Happ – 1-for-3, 3 RBIs and his 3rd homer, hitting .287. He’s top 75 on the Player Rater, and hasn’t been hot for power yet all year. Am I trying to speak it into existence? Yes, I an.
Matthew Boyd – 6 IP, 2 ER, 5 hits, zero walks, 7 Ks, ERA at 2.75. His peripherals are still saying he shouldn’t be this good, but also: Who cares? Just ride it out until he can’t get anyone out.
Landen Roupp – 5 IP, 2 ER, 5 hits, zero walks, 4 Ks, ERA at 4.89 His peripherals are nearly the exact opposite of Boyd’s. In that they’re so pretty, except for the ERA. Call him Matthew Girlyd.
Luis Matos – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 3rd homer, and 2nd homer in three games. I’m monocle’ing hard because I actually have him in one NL-Only league, but his playing time has been sporadic at best. So far, at least.
Bryan Reynolds – 1-for-5, 2 RBIs and his 5th homer. Reynolds is clearly my favorite player of all-time, but did he become boring as crap again?
Alec Burleson – 1-for-4 and his 2nd homer, and 2nd homer in as many games. Hot schmotato alert!
Willson Contreras – 2-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 5th homer, and 2nd homer in three games. Barely can remember April when you hated him. Oh, you can remember? Okay, you’re scarred from seeing Cal Raleigh lead the majors in homers, that’s fair.
Trent Grisham – 1-for-3, 2 RBIs and his 9th homer. If you drafted him in the 1st round instead of Gunnar Henderson, that’s the good news. Bad news is your leaguemates will burn you at a stake for being a witch.
Luke Weaver – 1/3 IP, 1 ER, ERA at 0.59. Finally, someone got to him, but Weaver is one smart cookie because he also allowed three inherited runs to score on Devin Williams (2/3 IP, 3 ER, ERA at 10.03) to make him look even worse.
Carlos Rodon – 6 2/3 IP, 0 ER, 4 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA at…guess. What’s his ERA at? Do you not have ERA as a category in your league? Then guess! Get within a half run. Can you? No, you can’t, it’s 2.96. You said 3.66, that’s wrong.
Nick Pivetta – 5 IP, 3 ER, 9 baserunners (4 BBs), 5 Ks, ERA at 2.23. In Yankee Stadium, and this start could’ve went five side quests to hell. He was basically saved by the rain. Not SerendiPPDy, but close.
Christian Yelich – 1-for-3, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and a slam (6) and legs (7). It’s wild how Cody Bellinger and him used to share an ADP and this year Cody moved up and Yelich moved down and that was exactly the opposite of what we should’ve done.
Tobias Myers – 5 1/3 IP, 1 ER, 6 hits, zero walks, 2 Ks, ERA at 3.65. This Monday slate of games was why I start two-start starters everywhere all the time. So many great Monday starts, man, I love this game–Crap, I just realized how awful these guys are going to be this weekend when they go again.
Yordan Alvarez – Hit the IL with hand inflammation. Good news is he gave everyone 90 minutes before weekly lineups locked. Bad news is it was about 17 and a half hours after FAAB ran so there was no one to fill in for him anyway.
Ronel Blanco – 6 IP, 3 ER, 9 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 4.98. He may never know how close he was to hitting the waiverpile with Bowden Francis. (Or he may find out if he’s terrible next time out.)
Shohei Ohtani – 1-for-4, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and a slam (9) and legs (10), hitting .292. Ohtani having an off year and a 40/40 pace, do we take him for granted? Yes, yes we do.
Teoscar Hernandez – Left the game with hamstring tightness. He looks perfect in my fantasy team’s outfield next to Yordan. Just perfection. [wanders into a lion cage dressed as an in-heat lioness]
Freddie Freeman – 2-for-5, 2 RBIs and his 7th homer, and his 2nd homer in three games, hitting .337. Freeman is the Energizer Bunny of 1st basemen. Takes all kinds of lickings and—sorry I got distracted. Lickings? What on earth?
Ben Casparius – 4 IP, 1 ER, ERA at 2.81. I have a Casparius theory, they’re all made-up by the deep state. Wait that’s conspiracy theories. My Casparius theory is he’s gonna struggle for command, but if he follows an opener, there could be some value for streaming. Long way of saying Streamonator call, methinks.
Agustin Ramirez – 1-for-2, 3 RBIs and his 4th homer, hitting .244, as he pinch hit. Nick Fortes started the game, until 2025 Miami Marlins Manager realized mid-game that Fortes sucks.
Sandy Alcantara – 5 IP, 5 ER, ERA at 8.42. Marlins are like that guy in your league who held Kelenic in his prospect slot for three years and was turning down deals for Ohtani. Oh, that’s crazy, you say? Ohtani was drafted around 225th overall the year he broke out and everyone thought Kelenic was the number one prospect in baseball, and as can’t miss as can’t miss can be while singing Little Miss Can’t Be Wrong. There’s absolutely someone out there who held Kelenic and turned down Ohtani. Sandy Alcantara looks broken too, if you’re wondering. Could he come out of it? Absolutely. But we need a sign. Signs, signs, everywhere signs…But show us yours, Sandy.
