All my fantasy baseball championship titles seemed so far away.
Now it looks as though one is here to stay *sung in a very fast voice* oh, crap, nope, because I didn’t draft Daniel Murphy because he didn’t believe in the lifestyle of a gay,
Oh, why didn’t I believe in Murphy like he didn’t believe in a…gay…gay…gay.
Suddenly! David Price’s arm is not half of what it used to be.
There’s a shadow hanging over me,
Oh, it’s Giancarlo’s groin that I made of plaster of Paris to admire and it just exploded in paste on me…Suddenly!
Why the season had to go, I don’t know, it wouldn’t say… because it can’t talk, it’s a baseball season that ended yesterday…yesterday…yesterday!
Fantasy Baseball was such an easy game to play,
Now I need a mother’s basement to hide away.
Oh, I believe in yesterday…day…day.
*sniffles* Here, take a tissue. You have to excuse me, I don’t have any clean ones. What will we do for the next few months without an update on a Mets’ pitcher elbow? Will Rougned Odor reveal he was accidentally batting while crossing his eyes and that’s why he barely hit .200? What will we do without a James Paxton injury update? WHAT? WILL? WE? DO? Prepare for next season, of course. But, first, let’s bask in the last day of the season. Today is the day when you realize you’ve spent 27,000 man hours this summer beating eleven other strangers to win a virtual trophy, and it feels great! Anyway, here’s what else I saw this weekend in fantasy baseball:
Danny Duffy – Will undergo elbow surgery on Tuesday to remove loose bodies. Operating on him will be David Caruso. *pulls off sunglasses* “Let’s see if we can’t knock loose…some bodies.”
Chris Iannetta – 1-for-4, 2 runs, and his 17th homer, hitting .254. This week I will be recapping the top 20 at all positions, and it’s super sad emoji how well Iannetta ranks for the top 20 catchers.
Marcus Stroman – 4 IP, 2 ER, ERA at 3.09. An under 3.10 ERA is about as good as you could’ve hoped for. Stroman, however, just hopes people would stop serenading him with, “I wish I was a little bit taller.”
Brett Anderson – 5 IP, 0 ER, 3 baserunners, 3 Ks, ERA at 5.13 vs. Jordan Montgomery – 5 1/3 IP, 1 ER, 3 baserunners, 3 Ks, ERA at 3.88. I need to make myself an iCal reminder for the last day of the season next year that says, “Start every pitcher on the last day of the season, because hitters have checked out early. Also, tell Cougs you’ll be with her again for the 1st time in six months.”
Matt Holliday – 1-for-4 and his 19th homer, hitting .231. Holliday…Holliday…Holliday… Sorry, song’s still stuck in my head. Scrambled eggs…
Matt Cain – 5 IP, 0 ER, 3 baserunners, 4 Ks, ERA at 5.43, as Cain retired from baseball, the day before turning 33 years old. Imagine retiring at 33 years old with $110 million. I’d be doing blow within a week.
Pablo Sandoval – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 9th homer, hitting .220. Vegas should immediately start the odds for guessing Sandoval’s weight for when he shows to camp, and have one parlay bet, where you pick the date for the first news story revolving around Sandoval’s weight.
Jhoulys Chacin – 6 IP, 1 ER, 7 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 3.89. If he’s back with the Padres next year, I promise you I will be drafting him in every league simply for home starts, where he had an ERA of 1.79 in 100 1/3 IP.
Hunter Renfroe – 2-for-4 and his 26th homer. Renfroe! Or as Scooby would say, Renfroe!
Gio Gonzalez – 4 1/3 IP, 6 ER, ERA at 2.96. Pro tip: Spray some Drakkar Noir on you to keep the Regression Fairies away in the playoffs.
Michael Taylor – 1-for-3 and his 19th homer, hitting .271. Ugh, can I draft him already for 2018? Though, to be a buzzkill on my own buzz, I could see Dusty batting him 8th all next year.
Anthony Rendon – 1-for-3, 3 RBIs and his 25th homer, and 100th RBI, hitting .301. April was super touch and go like your Uncle Frank, but Rendon stepped it up, starting from his classic 3-homer game on my bench. Hashtag never forget. (I also benched Scooter’s 4-homer game. The Year of the Sonavabench!)
Jon Lester – 5 IP, 0 ER, 4 baserunners, 7 Ks, ERA at 4.33. The good news is he might’ve pitched himself into the playoff rotation. The bad news is he might’ve pitched himself into the playoff rotation. Lester’s arm must be ready to fall off.
Max Scherzer – Tweaked his hamstring on Saturday. And Vegas odds on the Nats plummet. A Fox Sports camera catches Scherzer squirting ketchup on his hamstring to enhance the drama. Vegas odds reverse, but it’s too late. OCTOBER STORYLINES!
Luke Weaver – 4 2/3 IP, 6 ER, ERA at 3.88. I’m just gonna leave my Mr. Pibb on the counter of this bar that’s located in a cave in Kabul, Afghanistan. *five hours later* Hey, why does that lampshade have a mask drying on it that looks like my face? AHHHHHH!!! ROOFIE!!!!
Aaron Wilkerson – 7 IP, 1 ER, 2 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA at 3.48. His name wasn’t familiar to me, so I Googled it, and the first suggestion was “Aaron Wilkerson dog handler,” so I’d say his name is not familiar to anyone. “The real stars here are the dogs!” That’s Aaron Wilkerson, dog handler. By the way, wanted to say hello to Aaron Wilkerson, the pitcher and dog handler, because I know you both have your Google Alerts set up.
Parker Bridwell – 7 IP, 0 ER, 4 baserunners, 3 Ks, ERA at 3.64 vs. James Paxton – 6 IP, 0 ER, 3 baserunners, 9 Ks, ERA at 2.98. This was a match made in heaven. See, Pax was a TV network “created in 1996 in response to the pervasive presence of violence, nudity, commercialism, homosexuality, atheist values, and liberal bias on television.” (Sounds like fun!) And Bridwell is a term for a Mormon bride who is a virgin. “Tagg, I think she’s gonna Bridwell.”
Mike Marjama – 1-for-3 and his 1st homer. Nice to see Lionel Richie’s favorite player see some at-bats on the final day. “Hey, yeah, jambo, Marjama, forever, fiesta!”
Marcell Ozuna – 1-for-5, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 37th homer, hitting .312. OZUNA just sorry he didn’t see Giancarlo’s 60th home run. OZUNA had masking tape on eyelids and eyebrows so he didn’t miss anything.
Giancarlo Stanton – 2-for-5, 1 RBI. Ended the year with 59 HRs and 132 RBIs, and one restraining order against me. Oh, and eat a D, haters:
Won by 27 points in NL-Only Tout. No one’s ever won by more than 17. Beat 2nd place in homers by 63. pic.twitter.com/5ewxhO31Xh
— Razzball (@Razzball) October 2, 2017
Blake Snell – 7 IP, 0 ER, 2 baserunners, 13 Ks, ERA at 4.04. Pregame Blake Snell, “Hey, I don’t think I can push my ranking up for 2018 and make it a bit harder for people to draft me, but let me try.” Achievement unlocked.
Kevin Gausman – 7 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 9 Ks, ERA at 4.68. Nice end to the most bipolar season for a starter. If you tell me you knew when Gausman was going to pitch well, you are a lyin’ liar.
Clayton Kershaw – 4 IP, 3 ER, ERA at 2.31. Is he the first pitcher drafted again next year? As Benjamin Franklin once said, “In this world nothing can be said to be certain, except death, taxes, All About The Benjamins being my favorite song and Kershaw is the 1st pitcher drafted.”
Daniel Mengden – 7 IP, 0 ER, 5 baserunners, 8 Ks, ERA at 3.14. You hear about his new reality show? Daniel Plus Eight Matts.
Khris Davis – 2-for-4 and his 43rd homer, hitting .247. Actually, it’s past tense now. In 2017, he hat .247. Hate? What’s past tense of hit? The Korean beer, Hite? I’m having a brain…What’s the thing called when you expel gas?
Maikel Franco – 1-for-5, 3 RBIs and his 24th homer, hitting .230. I likely said numerous times early in the year that Maikel would get to 25 homers, and a .255 average. So, not super close, but, sadly, I’m not giving up on him yet for future years. Hopefully he doesn’t become Nicholas Castellanos, Part 2: Even On The Toilet I Have A Strong Exit Velocity.
Lance McCullers – 4 1/3 IP, 5 ER, ERA at 4.25. You know how Grey’s Anatomy (the tv show, not my tush) has McDreamy and McSteamy? If McCullers were on there, he’d be McGassed. Or simply a patient at the hospital.
Drew Pomeranz – 6 IP, 1 ER, 5 baserunners, 3 Ks, ERA at 3.32. Not sure I’m going to trust him next year, but I sure wish I trusted him this year. Regrets? I have a Drew.
Jose Ramirez – 2-for-2, 1 run and his 17th steal, hitting .318. Will he be drafted in the 2nd round next year? All hot takes welcome.
Corey Kluber – 5 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 3 Ks, ERA at 2.25. Be interesting to see if Kluber or Sale wins the AL Cy Young. Should be the closest AL Cy Young race since 1980 when it was Steve Stone vs. Mike “Stoned” Norris.
Michael Brantley – 0-for-1 as he was activated from the DL this weekend. So classic. Only Brantley can be activated from the DL the same weekend the season ends. Too fitting. Be like Jameson Taillon starting every count with a one-ball count.