The crazy analytics that the Rays have that no one else has: Pinpointing what players are good at and reenforcing that some players only do what they’re good at. For unstints, they’ll tell someone like Drew Rasmussen (7 IP, 0 ER, 1hit, zero walks, 8 Ks, ERA at 0.00) “pitch well,” and only “pitch well.” Crazy, right? Sometimes they’ll say to a hitter, “Hit well.” That has never been done before by a Major League Baseball team. One time they said to Vidal Brujan, “Be terrible,” and what do you know? What did he do? I’m gonna give you one guess here. He was terrible! It’s analytics like this that allow the Rays to save money too. The Rays received a bill from their travel department and were like, “This is way too much money to travel to games,” so they said to Manuel Margot, “Fly the plane,” and that’s what he did. Analytics, that’s what this is. So, I went to look to see if Drew Rasmusen had a sleeper post written by me, but he didn’t. Guess I merely loved him vs. wrote him up. Wanna know how much pitching there is in the majors? Rasmussen has a 2.96 ERA in 243 1/3 IP in his career. Yeah, but you have to draft a top starter. Mmkay. Anyway, here’s what else I saw this weekend in fantasy baseball:

Jeffrey Springs – 7 IP, 0 ER, 6 baserunners, 7 Ks, ERA at 0.00. Elias Sports Bureau said, “Broken clocks are right twice a day, and, in related news, Jeffrey Springs was Grey’s best sleeper this year.”

Brandon Lowe – 2-for-4, 2 runs, 5 RBIs and his 2nd homer, and 2nd homer in as many games. B. Lowe? More like A. Bove!

Wander Franco – 1-for-4 and his 4th homer. *staring at self in mirror* Good work not going back in on Wander this year, you giant idiot!

Harold Ramirez – 3-for-4, 3 runs, 2 RBIs and his 3rd homer. “When Harold Ramirez hit his 30th homer was when I realized the Rays were going to win 162 games in 2023.” That’s me talking to some uninterested kids in thirty years.

Shintaro Fujinami – 4 1/3 IP, 5 ER, ERA at 17.55. Starting to understand why the A’s signed Fujinami. They suck and he sucks. Perfect match.

Austin Meadows – Hit the IL with anxiety. That would be me if I had to write these roundups at a rooftop pool that was filled with chaise lounges that are covered in velvet. I hit the top floor and start crawling on the ground. I can’t even see The Heights. Velvet? Oh, forget about it. Can’t stand the stuff. I would be so good on The Amazing Race. “Good” as in “awful.” So, this opens a spot for *looking at Tigers’ lineup* what a mess! I guess Baddoo is somewhat interesting, and Laura just went over her Matt Vierling fantasy.

Adam Duvall – Hurt his wrist on a dive, and the Red Sox said the GM would announce the x-rays’ findings today, which means homeboy is going to be out a while. Plan accordingly.

Tanner Houck – 5 IP, 2 ER, 5 baserunners, 4 Ks, ERA at 4.50, as he threw 74 pitches. It’s kinda wild that the Red Sox have been stretching out Houck for the rotation for what feels like his whole career.

Triston Casas – 2-for-2 RBIs and his 2nd homer. Who’s house? Casas’s Casa!

Kodai Senga – 6 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 1.59. How about Senga only faces the Marlins this year? Can we arrange that?

Carlos Carrasco – 4 2/3 IP, 6 ER, ERA at 11.42. I like when the Cookie is a little raw in the middle. Not this Cookie. This Cookie is so cooked you bite into it and you’re cracking a tooth.

Garrett Cooper – 2-for-5, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 3rd homer, and 2nd homer in three games. Cooper, super duper. Puttin’ on the hitz.

Bryan De La Cruz – 2-for-2, 4 RBIs and his 1st homer. “Hey, que pasa? Sorry you can’t get through. Leave your name, your number, and I’ll get back to you.” Famous lyrics from De La Cruz.

Braxton Garrett – 4 2/3 IP, 2 ER, ERA at 4.70. Braxton is not unbreaking my heart with that.

Sean Manaea – 6 IP, 1 ER, 4 baserunners, 8 Ks, ERA at 4.50. Pretty happy with that start from Manaea, and I would look at Streamonator for him, if I understood at all how the Giants were using him. Is he a starter? Piggybacker? Long man in pen?

Anthony DeSclafani – 6 1/3 IP, 1 ER, 3 baserunners, 7 Ks, ERA at 0.73. Disco is not dead for fantasy! All right, taking Disco from a streamer to rosterable in most mixed leagues.

Kris Bubic – 6 IP, 0 ER, 2 baserunners, 9 Ks, ERA at 1.64. Better news is if you roster him you can show people on the street your fantasy team and say, “Here’s my Bubic region,” and get arrested. So, Bubic’s velocity is up two MPH, which is huge, obviously. His slider is working much better and his change is working even better than his slider. Besides filling in for Oneil Cruz off waivers, Bubic was my biggest FAAB bid across all my leagues. Next start will be telling vs. the Braves, but at least it’s home, which should help.

Nick Lodolo – 7 IP, 0 ER, 5 baserunners, 12 Ks, ERA at 1.50. Funniest shizz is the people who look at my teams after a draft, and see my pitching staffs of Sonny Gray, Lodolo and Senga, and think, “This guy’s got no chance.”

Bailey Falter – 5 IP, 1 ER, 4 baserunners, 2 Ks, ERA at 2.61. Fun fact! If you ever Falter, you will spend the next two hours apologizing to her. Streamonator loved this start, and hates his next, and I agree.

Seranthony Dominguez – 1 IP, 3 ER, ERA at 15.75. Serious question, have the Phils had a good reliever since Brad Lidge?

Alec Bohm – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 2nd homer. Not sure when we declare Bohm is no longer a line drive hitter but is instead a home run hitter, but two homers isn’t it, hohmy.

Andres Munoz – Hit the IL with a deltoid strain. Sally sells saves by the Seattle’s Sewald. Bullpen chart has been updated. JKJ updates that as soon as news breaks and should be your go-to. But can’t lead a horse to water because of PETA.

Cal Raleigh – 1-for-5, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 1st homer. The Big Dumper doing it on Easter, the Day of Thumper. Praise Jesus for rising and immediately coloring eggs, then hiding them.

George Kirby – 6 IP, 1 ER, 5 baserunners, 4 Ks, ERA at 4.35 vs. Zach Plesac – 7 IP, 2 ER, 6 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 9.00. This matchup was billed as, “Baseball is predictable over the course of a season, but not in one game. This game should’ve easily been Kirby’s but Plesac, the schmohawk, out-pitched him.” A very pithy billing title!

Travis d’Arnaud – Hit the IL with a concussion. So, the Braves will now go to Chadwick Tromp over Sean Murphy, or will the guy they traded for actually get playing time. Dare to dream!

Seth Lugo – 6 IP, 1 ER, 9 baserunners (4 BBs), 5 Ks, ERA at 1.38. Oh, wow, so the pitcher, who was asking to be a starter for five years with the Mets, is decent? Shocking! Almost as shocking that David Peterson and Megill are better than Quintana and Carrasco.

Nelson Cruz – 3-for-4, 2 runs, 6 RBIs and his 2nd homer. Elias Sports Bureau said this homer by Cruz off Dodd was the first time a player had homered off a pitcher who played in the minors with their grandson.

Trent Grisham – 1-for-4 and his 3rd homer. 2nd homer this week and 3rd homer in the last–Kidding. You freakin’ know when the season started.

Dylan Dodd – 4 1/3 IP, 7 ER, ERA at 7.71. More like Dylan Dudd.

Carl Edwards Jr. – 1 IP, 1 ER, ERA at 2.25, as he got his 1st save on Saturday, because the Nats thought to themselves, “Kyle Finnegan sucks real bad, so maybe we stop using him in the 9th.” Good thinking, if you ask me!

Jurickson Profar – 2-for-4 and his 1st homer, as he hits leadoff. Jurick store called and said they’re out of that baseball!

Noah Syndergaard – 4 IP, 6 ER, ERA at 6.30. “If we put the Dodgers’ magic pixie dust in his hair, it’ll be with him for good.” That’s the Dodgers’ pitching pixies five minutes before Syndergaard had his hair did.

Michael Grove – 3 1/3 IP, 9 ER, ERA at 14.73. Very, very cool. If only there was some guy in the Dodgers’ minors who rhymed with Havin Bone.

Drey Jameson – Was promoted to the rotation. Can I hear a “Dbags get the dub?” Oh, hecks yeah! Love this for my teams and your teams with Drey Jameson. Finally, a team does the right thing. He could be the top rookie pitcher this year. Right now, he has a 1.65 ERA in 32 2/3 career innings in the majors, which doesn’t set unrealistic expectations at all. That’s what he is, a 1.65 ERA, okay? Next question. No? All right. So, he threw 158 IP last year, so he could actually stay in the rotation the rest of the year. His fastball is averaging 96 MPH this year, and his 86 MPH slider falls off the metaphorical table. In shallower leagues, I’d grab him to see what happens, but don’t drop anyone too worthwhile, which is advice that won’t at all elicit a lot of, “Grey, if I may, you have a handsome face, and should I drop (fill-in number two starter) for Jameson?”

Ryne Nelson – 6 IP, 3 ER, 6 baserunners, 3 Ks, ERA at 4.91. Dbags jumped out to a huge early lead and Ryne cruised out for a free night at the W on the Ivictory Coast.

Hunter Brown – 7 IP, 0 ER, 4 baserunners, 7 Ks, ERA at 3.09. Imma let you finish about how Drey Jameson can be the best rookie pitcher as soon as I’m done telling you about Hunter Brown.

Chas McCormick – 2-for-5, 4 RBIs and his 2nd homer, as he hits leadoff. I like how Dusty Baker changes his lineup every day, but never moves up Kyle Tucker.

Michael Wacha – 6 IP, 0 ER, 3 baserunners, 10 Ks, ERA at 3.00. Streamonator doesn’t love Wacha’s next start, but, if being honest, I’m starting him there in a few leagues. I like Wacha at home, which is where he’ll be.

Logan O’Hoppe – 1-for-5 and his 3rd homer. Easter fun fact! O’Hoppe is the perfect name for a rabbit.

Shohei Ohtani – 2-for-5, 3 runs, 2 RBIs and his 3rd homer. Sigh, now I have to move him into my rotation for the week. Goodbye, sweet Ohtani hitter stats.

Hunter Renfroe – 3-for-5, 4 RBIs and his 3rd homer, and his 2nd homer in as many games. He’s about to hit five more homers in the next week, then not do anything until May, enjoy the ride!

Reid Detmers – 5 IP, 4 ER, 7 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA at 5.59. Angels’ starters keep getting hurt by one bad located pitch. Frustrating when you think of Detmers as a startable starter, but when you think of him as a streamer, it’s extremely frustrating.

Matt Chapman – 3-for-5, 2 runs, 5 RBIs and a slam (2) and legs (1). Matt David Chapman killed that ball.

Jhony Brito – 5 IP, 1 ER, 5 baserunners, 2 Ks, ERA at 0.90. Yanks call up whoever and they perform well, then they still go back to the terrible vets once they’re healthy. It’s invariable.

Aaron Judge – 3-for-4, 3 runs, and his 3rd and 4th homer. He’s on pace for 72 homers. Yeah, sure, very likely! Sorry, did that sound sarcastic? It’s not supposed to.

Adley Rutschman – 4-for-4, 2 runs and his 2nd homer. Yeah, but has Kim Carnes ever sung about his eyes?

Tyler Wells – 6 IP, 4 ER, 6 baserunners (0 walks), 6 Ks, ERA at 3.27. I’m a cyclops with a monocle on this guy, but for most leagues he remains a Streamonator call.

Mike Clevinger – 5 1/3 IP, 4 ER, 10 baserunners, 1 K, ERA at 3.48. So, like, he sucks again?

Michael Kopech – 6 IP, 1 ER, 5 baserunners (3 BBs), 5 Ks, ERA at 6.75. So, like, he doesn’t suck anymore?

Oneil Cruz – Out for about two months. Fractured his ankle on an awkward slide into Seby Zavala’s leg at home plate. Seby Zavala now has to pay for my Main Event fee because he ruined my gee-dee team! Also, what was that slide? Was that a slide? That didn’t look like a slide. That looked like a child jumping into a ball pit. Is Oneil Cruz practicing his slides at Sesame Place? WHYYYYYYYY!

Jordan Montgomery – 7 IP, 0 ER, 5 baserunners, 9 Ks, ERA at 2.25. In a Jordan blurb, it’s a good time to remind you to check out the new movie with Ben Affleck and Matt Damon about the Easter Bunny called, Hare. Can’t believe Cadbury signed him. What a crazy story.

Freddy Peralta – 6 IP, 1 ER, 7 baserunners, 7 Ks, ERA at 0.75. Welp, that’s a regret. I’m on Rue du Regret. Why did I think FreddyKBB was a guy to avoid? Big boneheaded move by the Fantasy Master Lothario this one is appearing to be.

Christian Yelich – 3-for-5, and his 1st homer. He hit that off Pallante, who must be Italian, because his last name ends in a vowel and he throws meatballs.

Willy Adames – 3-for-4, 2 runs, 3 RBIs and his 2nd homer. Willy with the dong, which I believe is redundant.

Justin Steele – 6 IP, 1 ER, 8 baserunners (4BBs), 3 Ks, ERA at 0.75. Not trailing Springs in Grey’s best preseason sleeper by much. Trailing Springs also sounds like a nature hike where I’d be miserable but would go to appease Cougs. “Yeah, baby, Trailing Springs is beautiful. Do you know if there’s wifi?”