The Reds manager Bryan Price, who I thought was their catcher, has a long way to go to catch up to ex-manager, Dusty Baker, on the Crazy-Meter, but naming Jonathan Broxton the closer a week before he’s even healthy, is a great start. Now Price needs to throw Latos 147 pitches in his first game back and he’ll be running a dead heat. Apparently, Broxton can’t only fill pants, he can fill shoes too. Dumpster Pants isn’t safe by any means, but when a crazy-as-a-fox manager names someone the closer, and he could be the closer for the next two months, I’d pick him up. Not literally, no one can pick up Broxton literally. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:
Michael Wacha – 6 2/3 IP, 0 ER, 4 baserunners, 7 Ks matched testes against Tony Cingrani (7 IP, 0 ER, 4 baserunners, 9 Ks). On the for really tip, it’s an old way of thinking to feel you need a pitcher like a Kershaw or Darvish or Wainwright when there’s guys like Cingrani, Wacha, Cole, Salazar, etc. However, not as old or perverse as when someone thinks to draft CC or Lincecum. I shudder.
Cody Asche – 1-for-4. Sandberg said he’s going to ease Asche into starting against lefties. I say take a cue from a mother fish and shoot the baby fish out of your fish vagina and let them swim!
Jimmy Rollins – The news said, “Rollins (baby) not in lineup.” So, Sandberg is writing the news blurbs now?
Cole Hamels – Will make a rehab start on Sunday in Clearwater. I wonder if people who live there are constantly saying, “Hey, I can see my feet!”
Scott Kazmir – 7 1/3 IP, 0 ER, 3 baserunners, 5 Ks. *sitting up right* Oh, okay. That’s pretty. Here’s what I said in the rankings, “(Kazmir) could be a 200+ K pitcher with a low-3 ERA. But put ‘could’ in one hand and ‘is’ in the other hand and you have nothing in either hands. They’re words, why would they be in your hand? I imagine Kazmir will be drafted prior to me getting off the fence on him, but if not, I could see grabbing him late. He could be anywhere from a 2.75 ERA, 220 K guy to a 5+ ERA guy who is bumped from the rotation by June.” And that’s me quoting me! I’d definitely give Kazmir a little looksie, if you need starter help.
Jim Johnson – 2/3 IP, 3 ER. It’s a closepocalypse! No one’s safe! Though, I do think Johnson will be safe for a few more blown saves.
Odrisamer Despaigne – Padres close to signing the 95-MPH-throwing Cuban. It’s not clear if he’ll be a starter, reliever or if I spelled his name right.
Mike Napoli – 2-for-4, 4 RBIs and his first home run. Okay, that’s fine, but what about Grady Sizemore?! The hype is worth it, isn’t it? Please don’t disappoint me, hype.
Dustin Pedroia – 4-for-5, 2 runs. He came within one hit of hitting his height.
Aaron Harang – 6 2/3 IP, 0 ER, 3 baserunners, 3 Ks vs. Matt Garza (8 IP, 1 ER, 3 baserunners, 7 Ks) as both pitchers went into the 7th inning without giving up a hit. Elias Sports Bureau said this was the first time since 1912 that two opposing pitchers had gone that deep into a game without a hit, but in that game there were only three hitters for either side due to a bout of the grip that affected the clubhouses.
Max Scherzer – 8 IP, 0 ER, 5 baserunners, 7 Ks. He looked as dominant as ever until he switched jerseys in the dugout with Joe Nathan. Then he looked god-awful.
Ian Kinsler – 3-for-5, 2 RBIs and his first homer. Hey, Team Albright is off the schneid! By the by, schneid is my new favorite word. Before I was married, sex was my favorite word.
Jason Vargas – 7 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 6 Ks. If the Royals knew he were going to pitch that well, they would’ve traded their top prospect for him!
Norichika Aoki – 0-for-4. Almost had an infield hit, but it was overturned by replay. How long until fantasy leagues have an Overturned Hits category?
Mike Moustakas – 0-for-4. Way to keep the spring momentum, Mostsuckass.
Matt Moore – 5 2/3 IP, 2 ER, 9 baserunners, 4 Ks. “Looked really solid, came within seven pitches of striking out a dozen guys. A dozen Ks!!!” That’s what you should be emailing your leaguemates to see if you can trade Moore away, because he, in fact, did not look solid.
Mark Buehrle – 8 2/3 IP, 0 ER, 5 baserunners, 11 Ks. You know who owns him?! This guy with two thumbs, a stupid goofy smile and bad BO! That hideous team with no players over $20? It’s in first place. Yes, hashtag it’s early, but still. Oh, and there’s just as much chance Buehrle throws two innings next time out and gives up eight earned.
Jose Bautista – 2-for-3 and two home runs. One homer for each month his owners hope he doesn’t miss.
Sergio Santos – Came in with two outs in the ninth, threw a six-pitch walk and was pulled for Brett Cecil. I don’t even keep my gimp on that short of a leash. Santos was quickly named the closer replacement in Toronto, but the saves guest list is obviously Santos-plus one. For our porpoises — hey, dolphins! — it may as well be a committee.
Nate Jones – 0 IP, 2 ER. Jeez, insult to injury. Outside of AL-Only leagues, I’d drop Jones like a bad habit, which means putting on a ton of nicotine patches and biting your fingernails.
Adam Dunn – 1-for-5 and a home run. Hey, it’s this week’s much maligned Creeper!
Felipe Paulino – 5 1/3 IP, 1 ER, 9 baserunners, 6 Ks vs. Twins. Don’t even think you need the Stream-o-Nator to know anyone vs. the Twins is a good matchup.
Alexei Ramirez – 2-for-3, 1 run, 2 RBIs and 2 steals. He’s officially out-stolen all of my fantasy teams thus far. God, I hate small sample sizes and the panic it induces. IS IT TOO EARLY TO DROP ADAM JONES?!
Kevin Correia – 6 IP, 2 ER, 6 baserunners, 5 Ks. How are the Twins only on their 2nd game but already throwing out their fifth starter? Oh, wait, that’s right.
Kurt Suzuki – 3-for-6, 1 RBI, and five for his first ten. Damn, if he had first base eligible some people would’ve drafted him in the 1st round.
Trevor Plouffe – 3-for-5, 1 run, 3 RBIs. Tends to get hot for stretches like Bikram yoga so worth keeping an eye on.
Glen Perkins – 1 IP, 2 ER. With Perkins and Nathan’s blown saves, it was a bad day to be a chain restaurant closer. Luckily, J in the Brox isn’t closing yet.
Doug Fister – Will start playing catch on Thursday. I hope it’s with his son while his Labradoodle watches on. That would be touching.
Bryce Harper – 0-for-4. Before the game, he was tested for concussion symptoms. He gets those every day for s’s and g’s. They should’ve tested Matt Williams too for batting Harper sixth again without his supposed reason, Ramos, in the lineup. Matt Williams never struck me as a dumb jock, until about two days ago. Hopefully, the fact that the Nats won doesn’t help Williams justify his own stupidity.
Ian Desmond – 1-for-4 and a solo home run. And he’s batting 7th! Is Matt Williams squishy in the melon?!
Jayson Werth – 4-for-5, 1 run. Don’t encourage Williams!
Jose Veras – 1 IP, 1 ER. Of course he blew a save. Do you even need to ask? If you have a closer who hasn’t blown a save, he hasn’t had any opportunities either.
Edwin Jackson – 5 1/3 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 5 Ks vs. Charlie Morton (6 IP, 0 ER, 5 baserunners, 6 Ks). In a game billed as The Salt Man vs. Not Worth His Weight In Salt, Man. Today, table salt won, but if you pick him up, your blood pressure will go up.
Emilio Bonifacio – 5-for-7, 1 run, 2 steals. I’ve already told you to pick up Bonifacio about four times in three roundups. Be gone, Littlefinger!
Jason Grilli – 1 IP, 1 ER. More chain restaurant blown saves! Well, it’s Jason’s Deli, but still. Melancon also gave up a run in the 8th, so there’s no reason to panic yet. As George Orwell wrote, “The winds of change blow prominently in the future, but you want the winds blowing on your back in Pissburgh.” Actually, that might’ve just been a quote from a friend’s Facebook feed.
Hector Santiago – 5 IP, 4 ER, 10 baserunners, 4 Ks. Seriously, don’t mess with the Mariners. They’re carrying around bats made from Coors Field.
Justin Smoak – 2-for-5, 2 runs and his 2nd homer. When he looks at you, in the crowd, don’t shirk away from eye contact. He’s not a magician or even a God. He’s simply Justin Smoak.
Corey Hart – 2-for-5, 2 runs and his 1st home run. Give me all the Mariners, wench! And more mead. And maybe a napkin, I dropped some giblets on my frilly shirt.
Mike Zunino – 2-for-4, 3 RBIs and a home run. Oh, no, he dint! Don’t even get Zunino involved. Don’t do it.
James Paxton – 7 IP, 0 ER, 4 baserunners, 9 Ks. He only pitched three shutout innings. Justin Smoak pitched the other four.
Taijuan Walker – Will start a rehab assignment on Friday. Yes, please and be careful!
Tim Lincecum – Could be scratched due to food poisoning. I guess the late night Cheetos, Hostess apple pie and gas station burrito didn’t agree with him.
Tim Hudson – 7 2/3 IP, 0 ER, 3 baserunners, 7 Ks. I see yesterday’s start from Buehrle, Haren and Hudson, and I wonder if there’s anything to vets being better in the early season months because they’re not tired yet. Sure, Sabathia goes against that, but his arm is just destroyed.
Dexter Fowler – 2-for-4, 2 runs and a home run. Member the other day when I said historically Fowler hits most of his homers in April? Yup.
Jarred Cosart – 5 IP, 0 ER, 4 baserunners, 3 Ks, as the hideous Astros pitchers continue to tame the Yankees. Steinbrenner is rolling over in his grave…and now looking at a picture of Big Dave Winfield! Who put that in there?
Josh Fields – 1 IP, 0 ER and his first save. There’s your Astros closer. It looks like it’s now Fields and the field.
Paul Maholm – Threw a bullpen session yesterday and will return to the Dodgers rotation on Saturday. Decent pick up for those that lost Kershaw and can only use Dodger starters.
Dan Haren – 6 IP, 0 ER, 4 baserunners, 6 Ks. There were seriously like ten games yesterday where the pitchers gave up less than two hits total. One of those games was not…
Corey Kluber – 3 1/3 IP, 5 ER. I think the Indians pitched Hans Kluber, Corey’s evil twin. He’s the wurst!
John Axford – 1 IP, 0 ER. That’s a clean save from Josh Fields and John Axford. SAGNOF has never looked so right.
Giancarlo Stanton – 2-for-4, 3 RBIs and a home run. Since this worked so well last year for Longoria, I’m going back to it for Stanton. Only 35 more homers to reach my projections. Stay healthy, my novio!
Carlos Gonzalez – 1-for-3, 1 run, 1 RBI but left the game with dizziness. He kept seeing Charlie Blackmon, thinking it was Nick Cannon doing white face and CarGo needed to take a seat. It was all a bit much.
LaTroy Hawkins – 1 IP, 1 ER, but he converted the save. You can’t stop LaTroy (from giving up runs), you can only pray he doesn’t!
Ryan Howard – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs and a home run off a lefty. So much for him being finished! I’m actually kidding. It’s too early to tell anything. He got into one and also struckout twice. Even a fat squirrel gets a cinnamon-toasted almond if it sits under a Mixed Nuts booth long enough.
Kyle Kendrick – 7 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 4 Ks. Kendrick’s the epitome of a pitcher I wouldn’t go near in mixed leagues, but would absolutely own in NL-Only leagues. Nothing exciting, but usually around a 4.00 ERA.
Jonathan Papelbon – 1/3 IP, 3 ER and another chain restaurant blown save, Papa John’s–I mean Papel Bon’s! (He used to have) Better stuff! (He used to be a) Better closer! Papel Bon’s! Lots of closers look like hot garbage left on the surface of the sun, but Papelbon looks headed for the DL with some mysterious ailment. I’ve already grabbed Bastardo in one league, you should look to do the same.
Yu Darvish – Will make his debut on Saturday in Tampa Bay, aka The City That Can Say, ‘At Least We’re Not St. Pete.’ Tampa Bay is pithier.
Derek Holland – Threw his first bullpen session. It was the first time he stood on a mound since his knee surgery. I wonder if he recognized it or if he felt like he was standing on a giant dirt boob.
Robbie Ross – 5 IP, 2 ER, 9 baserunners, 7 Ks. Conspiracy Theory Alert! Do you think a Federal Agent took Robbie Grossman, made him into a pitcher, and, then when the G-man left, he became Robbie Ross?
