Yesterday, Dylan Cease went 6 2/3 IP, 1 ER, 1 hit, 2 walks, 9 Ks, ERA at 4.91. Finally, a great start! [sees he left with forearm cramping, face falls, stares down into own reflection in the saddest puddle anyone’s ever puddled] Fantasy Baseball Overlord, I have one question for you? Why can’t we have anything nice? Are you a demon empath, and by us feeling pain, you feel joy? A Schadenfreude Monster? If we’re happy, are you sad? I hate you, how does that make you feel? Happiness or sadness? Actually, I don’t care, I hate you either way. Guess we wait now for the bad news, which is gonna get FBO so freakin’ happy. That jerk! Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:
Jackson Merrill – 2-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 4th homer. Welcome back, Sweet Prince. That’s also what Prince Fielder’s wife said to him while Avisail Garcia hid in the closet.
Cody Bellinger – 2-for-4 and his 5th homer, hitting .215. Mentioned this the other day, but most of y’all only read every third word so Cody gobbley gooey is gobbley gooey the gobbley gooey same gobbley gooey as gobbley gooey he’s gobbley gooey been. Did I just invent a new language?
Max Fried – 7 IP, 1 ER, 5 hits, zero walks, 8 Ks, ERA at 1.05. All I can do is laugh at not wanting Fried, and saying to sell him. Loud guffaws mixed with sobs.
Trent Grisham – 1-for-1, 2 RBIs and his 10th homer. Trent Grisham has ten homers; Gunnar Henderson has three!
Jazz Chisholm Jr. – Dealing with three separate tears of his oblique. Dude, no one can even point to an oblique on a body map. If you don’t want to play, just say that. Stop treating us like morons.
Kodai Senga – 6 IP, 0 ER, 7 baserunners (5 BBs), 4 Ks, ERA at 1.16. I’d say he’s not pitching as well as his ERA indicates but I’m not sure anyone in the history of baseball pitched as well as 1.16. Maybe Pickles Leterskimp of the New York Highlanders in 1894, but he was throwing 70 MPH and everyone else had gout.
Juan Soto – 2-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 6th and 7th homer, hitting .261.
Nice to see nonbinary Juan Soto homer
— Razzball (@razzball.bsky.social) May 7, 2025 at 5:22 PM
Merrill Kelly – 6 1/3 IP, 3 ER, 6 hits, zero walks, 6 Ks, ERA at 4.09. It’s literally impossible to get excited about Merrill Kelly and he’s a Streamonator call in most leagues but I’d love to have a few more Kellys and less “supposed to be great and are awful.”
Corbin Carroll – 2-for-2 and his 11th homer, hitting .297. Can’t believe I have Gunnar Henderson, who became Adam Frazier this year, and Corbin Carroll became Jimmie Foxx.
Noelvi Marte – Hit the IL with an oblique strain. This guy can’t catch a break. A strain? Sure, but no breaks.
TJ Friedl – 2-for-3 and his 2nd homer, hitting .273. Tommy John Friedl, where have you been all season? Trick rhetorical question! He’s been fine all year. Not exactly lighting the world on fire, but around 150th overall on the Player Rater, which is around “fine” for a 4th to 5th outfielder.
Hunter Greene – 3 IP, 0 ER, ERA at 2.36. Was doing his usual razzle dazzle when he left with a groin injury. That is a change of pace for the people who have him in leagues, who were injuring their own groin when he pitched.
Grant Holmes – 5 1/3 IP, 4 ER, 8 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA at 4.58. His lack of command wasn’t on display last night, but it’s showing itself in his peripherals and his stats are very meh. Grant Holmehs, if you wish. “Holmehs,” also sounds like Sling Blade asking for mayonnaise.
Jackson Jobe – 3 2/3 IP, 6 ER, ERA at 4.88. So, the Tigers start Jobe only once every, like, 12 days, and one of the days they choose is in Coors? Oh…[walks from Maine to Tierra del Fuego]…kay.
Michael Toglia – 3-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 4th homer. Don’t think he’s gonna be worthwhile in all leagues all season, but I bet by the end of the year his “just in Coors” stats will be worth rostering and platooning him.
Ryan McMahon – 4-for-4, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 4th homer. From 1994 to 2023, there was only four hitter seasons that Rockies players hit .240 or lower. Right now, there’s three in 2025, and McMahon has done it four times since 2020. The bottom 30 worst Rockies players averages from 1994? 16 of them are in the last five years. There were multiple years in there where not a single Rockies player would hit .250 or lower.
Kris Bryant – Will undergo an ablation procedure on his back. That’s what Michael Jackson had done to become white. I think, I’m not a doctor. Did Kris Bryant have a tan back? Does anyone know?
Chase Dollander – 3 IP, 6 ER, ERA at 7.71. Will someone please trade Dollander to another team and save his career?
Ramon Laureano – 2-for-4, 2 runs and his 4th homer, hitting .207. Tend to skip or goof on non-relevant fantasy players, but Laureano is out-homering Gunnar Henderson now! Someone cattle prod Gunnar! Please, my children are starving! My children are my fantasy teams!
Luis F. Castillo – Traded to the Orioles. Hope they think they got the good Luis Castillo. Oops, nope. The F. stands for “F it, we don’t have any pitching anyway.” Mariners traded away Luis F. Castillo when the equipment manager refused to come into work to sew his name on the back of his jersey.
Byron Buxton – 2-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 9th homer, 3rd homer in three games. Don’t bother digging up Dale Long, Buxton will get hurt before he breaks his record.
Shane Baz – 3 1/3 IP, 6 ER, ERA at 4.93. What’s the opposite of Bazinga? Or even the past tense. Bazung? That’s this start. We were Bazung. Here’s the deal, laid out as simple as that frown on your face, if you drop him, you will regret it. If you don’t drop him, you will also regret it. Hope is fleeting. Eat Arby’s.
Cristopher Sanchez – 6 IP, 0 ER, 1 hit, 3 walks, 5 Ks, ERA at 2.89. See that, he had forearm soreness and he’s fine. Maybe Cease isn’t done-zo.
Trea Turner – 2-for-4, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 2nd homer, hitting .307. You know this Treat Urner, so wanna hear about another treat earner, my dog, Ted? Cougs gets him health insurance. Hilarious, I know, but she does. So, the company raised the rates. Guess how much. Please, I’m begging you to guess like Ted begs me for treats. They raised it to $760. Dot dot dot. PER MONTH! I did a literal spit take when I heard, and I wasn’t even drinking anything. We could clone him for that price!
Michael Wacha – 7 IP, 0 ER, 4 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA at 2.98. I like Wacha, in general, but this was vs. the White Sux, and a clear Streamonator call.
Bobby Witt Jr. – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 5th homer, hitting .308. His hitting streak ended the other day, but he still has his Witting streak.
Cade Horton – Cubs said he will make his MLB debut in May. Okay, now we are cooking with unleaded. Prime the pump, baby, I’m ready to get gassed up!
Ben Brown – 5 IP, 3 ER, 8 baserunners, 9 Ks, ERA at 4.95. The nine Ks are nice and Streamonator loves his next, so, yeah, we ride.
Robbie Ray – 6 IP, 1 ER, 5 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA at 2.84. “Without skintight gotchies, all of this breaks down.” That’s Robbie Ray’s tailor showing off his pants butt-work.
Alex Bregman – 3-for-4, 2 runs, 3 RBIs and his 9th homer, hitting .327. Loving him so much this year, it’s gonna be hilarious when he signs a ten-year deal with someone like the Giants this offseason and I am so out on him.
Wilyer Abreu – 3-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 8th and 9th homer, hitting .294, now three homers in three games. Welp, I guess we shouldn’t have dropped him.
Tanner Houck – 4 2/3 IP, 2 ER, ERA at 6.10. His underlying stats are staggeringly awful. Ground balls are down (in the bad way), Ks are down, and walks are up. Houckmania is walking wild, and I am not feeling it right now. Though, Streamonator likes his next one, so I guess you can hold. I am being wishy and/or washy here, but the numbers are very meh.
Tyler Mahle – 5 IP, 2 ER, 5 baserunners, zero Ks, ERA at 1.48. He’s getting by with so much smoke and mirrors that he’s gonna get a trademark infringement case filed from The Amazing Randi’s estate.
Adolis Garcia – 1-for-3, 2 RBIs and his 5th homer, hitting .238. Before I looked at his average, I guessed what it might be. I guessed .198. I underestimated, clearly. I also guessed the Rangers’ cleanup hitter, Joc Pederson (2-for-2) was hitting .125. Under again! It’s .133. It was .094 entering play on Tuesday. Pretty incredible stuff how guys can be hitting around .100 and hitting cleanup. A month into the season!
Josh Jung – 2-for-4 and his 3rd homer, hitting .272. And hitting 9th! Where one might think you should find Joc Pederson.
Yoan Moncada – 2-for-3 and his 2nd homer, and 2nd in as many games. Hot schmotato alert!
Luis Rengifo – 0-for-2, hitting .210. Was pulled from the game when he forgot how many outs there were. Wait until he finds out the season started over a month ago.
Yusei Kikuchi – 6 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 3.83 vs. Jose Berrios – 6 IP, 2 ER, 10 baserunners, 9 Ks, ERA at 3.86. This matchup was a battle of old teammates, but still good friends. After the game, they went for drinks and arcade games at Dave & Buster’s and said, “This is Yusei & Berrios’s.” Or that might’ve been my last time in Anaheim.
Jeff Hoffman – 1/3 IP, 3 ER, ERA at 4.24, and the blown save. Gave up 3 ER on Tuesday, and on Wednesday, he lost his entire shizz to the Angels. I picked up Yimi Garcia before the last runner crossed home plate.
Kyren Paris – 2-for-3, 2 runs and his 6th homer, hitting .228, and this was his 1st hit since 2016. Or felt that way. Paris obviously tends to get hot for stretches, so maybe this is the start other another week run, but he has been so bad for a while now.
Lawrence Butler – 1-for-3 and his 6th homer, as he was moved down the order to the six hole, and Jacob Wilson (4-for-5, 1 run, 1 RBI) was moved to leadoff. I don’t mind this for my Wilson shares and don’t love it for my Butler shares, i.e., Castaway volleyball up, Bulldogs spiked it down.
Gunnar Hoglund – 5 1/3 IP, 2 ER, 6 baserunners, 3 Ks, ERA at 2.38. At least one Gunnar’s decent this year. So, I’m pretty intrigued with Hoglund, but I don’t know if he’s rosterable in shallower mixed leagues. Bing Bong scares me, but Hoglund keeps the ball down and has excellent command. Two great qualities to elicit tenders in the nethers. I’m likely still a monocle or a stream in 12 team mixed leagues, but clearly he’s on radars, so act fast in leagues where you have to.
Bryan Woo – 6 IP, 5 ER, ERA at 3.25. Woo did a boo.
Landon Knack – 5 IP, 0 ER, 5 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA at 4.61. Googled Knack’s peripherals and search results said, “Why not google something you want to see? Like how about Sydney Sweeney?”
James Outman – 1-for-2, 2 runs, 3 RBIs and his 1st homer, as he was called up. Usually don’t mention pinch-hit homers (or catcher homers) because they’re kinda irrelevant. Outman wasn’t starting, that’s a bigger sign than anything I can say, but maybe the Dodgers start playing Outman over Conforto (they should). Likely nothing more than NL-Only at this point for power. He did have eight homers in 32 Triple-A games this year and five steals, but with a 36.3 K%, which is so absurd he should be Automatic-Outman.
Valente Bellozo – 5 1/3 IP, 0 ER, 3 baserunners, 7 Ks, ERA at 3.50. Up is down, right is wrong and Valente is the Bellozo and Alcantara is the Bozo.
Emmanuel Clase – 1 IP, 0 ER, ERA at 5.51, and his 8th save. Clase was the closer, then lost the closer job, then got the closer job back. He’s had a whole year in, like, two weeks, and has eight saves! Trevor Megill’s had the closer job all year, and I’m praying he gets to eight saves by June.
Sonny Gray – 7 IP, 0 ER, 3 baserunners, 8 Ks, ERA at 3.50. This was an easy matchup, but for Gray they’re all easy. [turns to mirror] You rock.
William Contreras – Announced that he’s been playing with a fractured middle finger. Don’t worry, the symbolism will be lost on people who draft catchers early.
Framber Valdez – 7 IP, 1 ER, 5 baserunners, 7 Ks, ERA at 3.94. If he can do that for another month without hiccups, we’d be straight.
Jeremy Pena – 2-for-5, 2 runs, 4 RBIs and his 5th homer. Pena’s been one of those “Meh, I’m not trading for him, but he’s been perfectly capable since I have him.” The Pavin Smith/Ryan O’Hearn/Jeremy Pena triumvirate. Call them, the P.S. I’m Okay With You’s.
Jose Altuve – 1-for-5, 1 run, hitting .252. Seems like he’s finally aged. Not to mention, five-one on an old guy is just weird. Short and spry works, but short and lethargic? What’s he, a pasta granny?
