In the first of sixteen doubleheaders yesterday, we were treated to The Bobby Dalbec Show, starring…Bobby Dalbec. *Bobby enters stage right and the crowd quiets* One boy in the front row of the black & white audience stands and points, “It’s the resurrection of the great Red Sox legend, Bobby Doerr!” Then an usher points, “Oh, my God, Dalbec is present tense for Doerr!” Another argumentative guy screams, “Yo, Bobby Dalbec, what’s the deal with Red Ruffing? He die from huffing? From being a Red? Screw socialism!” Yesterday, Bobby Dalbec, local hero, and all-around Red Sox player, went 3-for-6, 4 RBIs with his 4th and 5th homer in, like, two games. His power isn’t without its ceiling, but that ceiling is on the moon. He could be a 35-homer guy in the majors. The big drawback is–Wait a second, did he have a 50% strikeout rate going into the doubleheader? Hey, Dalbec, B. Doerr, don’t B. Don’ter. Dalbec might hit .205 for the immediate future, but he eventually finds contact once he gets comfortable in a league. For this year, Dalbec or Moistasskiss? Ya know what I’m saying, go with the hot hand and Bobby Doerr’s present tense. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Andrew Benintendi – Shut down for the year. Shame they didn’t do that with the entire Red Sox team. Well, Bobby Doerr’s present company excluded.

Michael Chavis – 0-for-4 as he played left field. He hadn’t played left field as a professional, but the Red Sox have a staff of pitchers who shouldn’t be pitching as professionals, so same diff.

Rafael Devers – 4-for-8, 3 RBIs and his 8th and 9th homer. He’s scrapping together a bad, but not terrible season, which is more than Just Dong Martinez can say.

Alex Verdugo – 1-for-3, 2 runs and his 6th homer, as he hit leadoff. Was thinking about the 50+ at-bats where Verdugo hit 6th or lower in the order, but then he was benched in the 2nd game. Like everyone with a passing knowledge of Verdugo knows he is the best bat to hit at the top of that order. How is it possible a major league manager doesn’t know this? To quote Vizzini, inconceivable!

Didi Gregorius – 3-for-6, 3 runs, 2 RBIs and a slam (6) and legs (3). “Didi, Didi, Didi, can’t you see, sometimes your homers hypnotize me.” — The Gregorius D.I.D.

Zach Eflin – 5 IP, 3 ER, 9 baserunners, ERA at 4.58. As mentioned on yesterday’s podcast, I tried to trade for Eflin in one league. It didn’t happen, but I love what I’m seeing behind the curtain of Eflin, and that’s your free peak, perv, when I rank Eflin ridiculously high next year. I want to do bad things with him and it’s up to us to wish superficially bad things on him, so his price isn’t inflated.

Ryan Yarbrough – 2 2/3 IP, 4 ER, ERA at 4.31, as he returned from the IL. I started Yarbrough in one league where I smell of desperation and coconut oil. Much less tropical now.

Jorge Soler – Hit the IL with an oblique strain, and is likely done. Tough to see he only got 136 ABs this year. Oh, wait, everyone’s only getting around 220 ABs.

Adalberto Mondesi – 1-for-4, 1 run and his 12th steal, and moved back up the order. Oh, giddy the eff up.

Carlos Santana – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 5th homer. Oye como yay!

Triston McKenzie – 5 IP, 3 ER, 4 baserunners, 7 Ks, ERA at 2.57. Regression Fairies heard Keeping Up With the Kardashians was canceled and were just out trolling for trouble.

Bo BichetteJays said he could return this weekend. From your mouth to Juan Soto’s ears.

Jonathan Davis – 1-for-3, 2 RBIs and his 1st homer. J.D. Davis read this blurb, and screamed, “Imposter!”

Rafael Dolis – 1 IP, 0 ER and his 3rd save, ERA at 1.77. If a Toronto closer in Buffalo changed, would it make a sound?

Miguel Andujar – 2-for-4 and hitting near-.400 in the last few games, and I’d absolutely pick him up in all leagues. He shouldn’t be on waivers, to be Frank, and I Can’talanotto-lie.

Yasmani Grandal – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 6th homer. He’s quietly having a quiet season.

Dylan Cease – 5 IP, 2 ER, 5 baserunners, 2 Ks, ERA at 3.33. I watched some of him yesterday, and I don’t know, guys and five girl readers, he’s not very impressive. One of his strikeouts was a fluke and this was the Pirates.

Max Fried – Hit the IL with a left-side muscle spasm in his lumbar spine. Sounds like he could use a chiropractor, or just watch Two and a Half Men character Jon Cryerpractor draw out some laughs from a studio audience high on nitrous oxide. The Braves said Fried could return by mid-next week, but we shall see. Or not. Your choice!

Cole Hamels – Could also return next week for the Braves as they begin to put their playoffs’ rotation in order, starting from their 1st through their 9th starter. Little known fact, the Braves and Dodgers have 20 of 25 known fantasy starters in the NL.

Jorge Alfaro – 2-for-4, 2 RBIs and a slam (1) and legs (2). 14,010,165,173rd example of why 2020 is crazy: Alfaro has more steals than homers.

Garrett Cooper – 2-for-5, 3 RBIs and his 3rd homer. Been calling him a hot schmotato for the last week straight, followed by ignoring him the very next day.

Sixto Sanchez – 6 IP, 0 ER, 4 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 1.80. Ya know you can’t trust rookie pitchers, right? When great, there’s always an adjustment at some point, even if it’s not the year they debut. Look at Chris Paddack this year. But, with all that said, Sixto Mode is absolutely gorgeous. He looks like an ace.

Adrian Houser – 4 2/3 IP, 5 ER, ERA at 5.48. Can’t believe I fell for his charms. Your charms lie, you stupid charming liar!

Spencer Turnbull – 6 IP, 0 ER, 6 baserunners, 3 Ks, ERA at 3.32. Literally every Tigers’ pitcher is doing better than expected, other than Boyd. Flavor Flav sadly sighs, “Yeah, Boyd!”

Jeimer Candelario – 2-for-4. 2 runs, 4 RBIs and his 5th homer, hitting .319, and .375 in the last week. As someone who is currently starting The Candy Man in a couple of leagues, he has been hot.

Ryan Mountcastle – 2-for-5, 2 RBIs and his 4th homer. It took a little bit of digging around in my memory bank on the podcast, but I finally landed on who I think Mountcastle looks like: Trey Mancini. Mountcastle is a 27+ homer, .280 hitter.

Rio Ruiz – 2-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 8th homer, hitting .228. The Rio runs through it!

DJ Stewart – 1-for-4, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 4th homer, hitting .185. Every year the O’s seem to have one guy who is alluring, but not really any good. This year, they had two that added up to one. When Santander went to the IL, they filled in with a new guy, who also seemed great. Sorry, that’s not fair for Santander. That’s *pinkie to mouth* Santslander.

Jeff McNeil – 2-for-3 and his 3rd homer, and 3rd homer in three games. One good thing can happen to the Mets each game. Wish it was more Albombso and less McNeil, but sigh, sigh, sigh.

Eric Hosmer – Might be able to return before the end of the season. From a fractured finger? Who are you, Eugenio Suarez?

Wil Myers – 3-for-4, 5 RBIs and his 10th and 11th homer, and 11th homer since I declared him my NL MVP pick after choosing someone else that I’ve since forgotten about.

Austin Nola – 1-for-4, 2 runs, 4 RBIs and his 7th homer. I wish we had another four months of the season for a myriad of reasons, but it would be great to see Nola have a breakout season, get everyone excited about him for next year, then watch him fail to live up to expectations. In a short season, I’m not sure people will give this much credence, but just look at him like an old man down the road.

Nolan Arenado – 2-for-3, 2 runs, 3 RBIs and his 8th homer. Super proud of this rendition of Munch’s Scream painting I was able to make using grains of pollen, and it only took me seven years. Boy, it is stuffy in here, so I’m gonna carelessly open the window–NOOOOO!!! Torenado!

Gavin Lux – 3-for-5, 3 runs, 5 RBIs and his 1st and 2nd homer. Please get hot. It could change everything (for one league where I own him, and not really change anything else in the big picture). Everything!

Walker Buehler – 2 2/3 IP, 2 ER, ERA at 3.86. Buehler or Kershaw next year? It should be Buehler, but will it be?

Kole Calhoun – 1-for-3, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 9th homer. Has cooled off dramatically — smash cut to dramatically, “I’m big, it’s the pictures that got small.” — but Calhoun is the type to hit one homer, then go on a run.

Tyler Mahle – 7 IP, 3 ER, 5 baserunners, 10 Ks, ERA at 3.89. Gonna be 26 years old next year (aren’t we all! (no, we’re not)), and he still hasn’t pitched more than 130 innings in a year, but something tells me I’m gonna be in on T. Mahle like a stoner at Taco Bell at two in the morning.

Lance Lynn – 7 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 2.52. If Lynn didn’t look gross with that sweaty beard, I would hug him.

Frankie Montas – 5 IP, 2 ER, 7 baserunners, 4 Ks, ERA at 5.73. Hey, it’s the regression of the regression! The negation of the negation! The opposite of whatever crap was going on with him for the last three weeks. Streamonator loves his next one, and I can see getting back in on him.

Khris Davis – 2-for-6, 2 RBIs and his 2nd homer. Ah, if only it were really 2018 again.

Matt Olson – 1-for-8, 3 RBIs and his 11th homer, hitting .188. Ah, if only it were the 2020 preseason again.

Alex Dickerson – 1-for-3 and his 8th homer. Surprising, I thought Dickerson had already fallen off. *slowly crosses legs* Say again.

Jose Altuve – Dusty Baker said Altuve looked good while running on Tuesday. Dusty added, “Like a pygmy doing The Running Man. Very good and fun.”

Alex Bregman – 0-for-3 as he was activated from the IL. Kevin from ESPN’s “Get Him In Your Lineup” Department said, “One time I ran out of gas on Route 44 and tried to fart into my tank.”

Michael Brantley – 5-for-6, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 4th homer, hitting .330. Between this and Khris Davis homering, maybe it was throwback Tuesday in Houston. Was someone banging a trash can? Anyone know, uh, beforehand?

Jose Berrios – 5 IP, 3 ER, 6 baserunners, 8 Ks, ERA at 4.40. Was coasting through five innings, then immediately got into trouble and yanked. Whenever you think he’s about to throw a gem, Jose raspBerrios his lips.

Randy Dobnak – 2 2/3 IP, 5 ER, ERA at 3.61. Dobnak is Orkan for regression.

Nelson Cruz – 4-for-7 and his 14th and 15th homer, hitting .342. Guess I shouldn’t have benched him when he was out on Monday. Thank you, Fantasy Baseball Overlord, you are always bringing the most pleasant surprises. *drops hammer on foot* I just want to feel something else.

Miguel Sano – 2-for-8, 2 runs, 3 RBIs and his 10th homer. Another guy who was on my bench, since he wasn’t playing on Monday. Bro, I’m straight up not having a good time.

Josh Donaldson – 3-for-6, 2 runs, 3 RBIs and his 3rd homer. Son of Donald better than Son of the Mask, confirmed.

Tommy Edman – 1-for-5, 3 runs, 3 RBIs and his 3rd homer, and 2nd homer in the last three days. Days not games, I think, but who knows with the Cards playing doubleheaders every other day. Still hot schmotato, if he’s unowned in enough leagues.

Carlos Martinez – 3 2/3 IP, 4 ER as he was activated from the IL. I like C-Mart in the starting role, in general, but for the rest of the season he needs to go 5+ innings and show me something. Grey’s in tough dad mode (TDMTM)!

Dylan Carlson – Sent down to the alternate training site where he will try-on goth makeup and listen to Jello Biafra. Oh, crap, he went to the alternative training site.