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Playing fantasy baseball with Andrew Heaney on your team is like getting cozy with a heating pad as you fall asleep, and every five days that heating pad will keep you a perfect 73 degrees, but, once in a while, it will unexpectedly become 212 degrees. At first, you’re having a nightmare where your blood starts boiling, and you sleepwalk out of bed, grab a box of dry pasta from the cabinet and boil the pasta in your blood. That’s once in a while. Not yesterday for Andrew Heaney! Yesterday, Andrew Heaney (5 IP, 0 ER, 4 baserunners, 10 Ks, ERA at 8.22) made good on his promise from last year. Maybe he was visited by the Dodgers’ pitching pixies in the pregame to remind him what he was supposed to do. Maybe it was just the better matchup. Whatever it was, it worked. He cut his walks, and showed why he’s so tantalizing with his strikeout rate now up to 14.1 K/9. I’m such a sucker for this guy hopefully I’m not trying to boil fusilli in my blood next time out. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:
Mitch Garver – Hit the IL with a knee sprain. The question, “When will Garver secure catcher position eligibility?” Is best answered in years. Mitch Garver is the MacGyver of escaping fantasy relevancy traps via injury.
Jonah Heim – 2-for-3, 2 runs and his 1st homer. Hit ’em with the Heim!
Corey Seager – 3-for-4, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 1st homer. Guess they had one of the baseballs from last year in play.
Adolis Garcia – 1-for-5, 4 RBIs and his 2nd homer. Adolis Garcia, or as he’s now known: Stone Garrett.
Aaron Civale – Hit the IL with an oblique strain. He should only miss two weeks or just under three months.
Triston McKenzie – Should start a throwing program this week. Fun fact! McKenzie played the feather in a staged adaption of Forrest Gump.
Shane Bieber – 7 IP, 2 ER, 8 baserunners, 4 Ks, ERA at 2.37. Bieber went down two quick runs in the 1st inning and I was dancing on the graves of all of Bieber’s fantasy owners, then those fantasy owners shoved their hand through the ground, grabbed my ankle, pulled me down and sucked the brain custard from my head.
Dylan Cease – 5 IP, 1 ER, 5 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 1.65. Cease licks the point of a pencil, watches Blake Snell’s start, jots down notes under the header, “How to throw 100 pitches in only five innings.”
Kenta Maeda – 6 IP, 4 ER, 8 baserunners, 3 Ks, ERA at 4.09. The good news is he was able to go six innings into the game after leaving his last one with fatigue. The bad news, everything else, and it was only in 83 pitches.
Kevin Smith – 0-for-4 as he was recalled. That recall went like, “Who was that guy who directed one and half decent movies?”
Kyle Gibson – 6 1/3 IP, 1 ER, 8 baserunners, 4 Ks, ERA at 3.44. Poster boy for the Streamonator and yesterday’s poster was one of those We Need You war posters with Gibson’s face on Uncle Sam’s body.
Adley Rutschman – 1-for-4 and his 3rd homer, and 2nd homer in as many games. Seems more promising than Matt Wieters!
Ryan Mountcastle – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 3rd homer. This week’s matchups for Mountcastle are as easy as him solving a murder mystery with DNA and witnessing it himself. “Welcome to the true crime podcast, Mountcastle faces crappy lefties.” It’s one episode and last five minutes with three Quip ads.
Austin Hays – 2-for-4, 2 runs and his 2nd homer. Not even Camden Miles can keep the ball in the park vs. bad A’s pitching.
Kyle Wright – Will make his season debut today. Too bad Kris Bubic is already this year’s Kyle Wright and this year’s Kyle Wright is Touki Toussaint.
Sean Murphy – 3-for-5, 3 RBIs and his 1st homer. Okay, this is weird, but are you telling me when Sean Murphy plays it’s a good thing? Nuts!
Bryce Elder – 6 1/3 IP, 0 ER, 7 baserunners, 7 Ks, ERA at 0.00. We’ve had so many “This year’s Kyle Wright” from the Braves I forget now who was labeled that, but, since Dodd and Shuster have been Crap and Crappier, I’m guessing it’s Elder.
Graham Ashcraft – 6 IP, 2 ER, 9 baserunners, 7 Ks, ERA at 2.08. The Reds are looking solid with Lodolo, Greene and Ashcraft and they are slow-playing Elly De La Cruz, which is such giant Dumb Bell energy no other team could pull off this stupidity.
Yu Darvish – 6 1/3 IP, 5 ER, ERA at 4.76. If it’s any consolation (it’s not), he looked much better than the line.
Sandy Alcantara – 4 IP, 9 ER, ERA at 5.79. Overheard in the pregame, “Hey, anyone know why Jose Urena is back in a Marlins’ uniform that says Alcantara on the back?” By the by, I like how everyone fades Alcantara all preseason because they don’t trust him, then he gets hit and everyone is like, “Oh my God! This is so unlike him!” You were fading him! Is it that shocking?
Alec Bohm – 3-for-5, 2 runs, 6 RBIs and his 3rd homer, and 2nd homer in as many games. I’d say around seven homers in six weeks would put me at ease that Bohm is different than past years. Every bit until then is a step in the right direction.
Brandon Marsh – 3-for-5, 3 RBIs and his 2nd homer. Fun fact! Marsh looks like he has swamp ass.
Jake Cave – 2-for-5 and his 1st homer. Cave and Marsh are perfect complements to each other in the Phils’ lineup. Marsh has power and speed and Cave has a place he can sleep.
Matt Strahm – 5 IP, 0 ER, 5 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 0.00. Streamed him yesterday in every league where I could, and I’d look at the Streamonator for him going forward.
Mookie Betts – 3-for-5, 3 runs, 2 RBIs and his 2nd homer. Mookie Best!
Julio Urias – 6 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 8 Ks, ERA at 1.50. Don’t worry, next year I’m going all-in on Urias and that’s when he’ll suck.
Max Muncy – 3-for-3, 7 RBIs and his 2nd and 3rd homers. Max to the Munciest!
Wilmer Flores – 1-for-4 and his 2nd homer. In the middle of my sobbing for Oneil Cruz, I was like, “Hey, if I’m gonna cry, I may as well pick up Wilmer Flores,” and would you look at that! One day down with a homer, three months and 29 days to go until Cruz returns!
Zac Gallen – 7 IP, 0 ER, 4 baserunners, 11 Ks, ERA at 4.58. Zac’s bac!
Andrew Chafin – 1 IP, 0 ER, 3 Ks, ERA at 0.00 and his 2nd save. How long will it take the Dbags to realize their best bet for saves is Chafin? Until June? July? Yesterday?
Hunter Renfroe – 2-for-3, 2 runs and his 3rd homer, and 3rd homer in as many games, and 12th homer in the last hour and 37th homer this week. As Scooby Doo would say, “Renfroe!”
Kyle Finnegan – 1 IP, 0 ER, ERA at 11.81 and his 2nd save. Davey Martinez lost a bet apparently, and Finnegan has to remain the closer.
Jarred Kelenic – 1-for-2 and his 1st homer. Sonavabench! I finally take him out of my lineup because he’s not in the starting lineup and, gee-dee ess oh bee!
Brandon Lowe – 1-for-3 and his 3rd homer. Right before Lowe homered in the 8th to secure the Rays’ 10th straight victory, I asked some kid in all Rays’ gear at a wishing well what he was wishing about and the kid said, “Up yours, old man!”
Nick Pivetta – 5 IP, 0 ER, 5 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 0.90. As soon as we get Pivetta’s ownership numbers over 75%, he will throw a 3 IP, 9 ER game that will be so awful. Use Streamonator at your own risk.
Adam Duvall – Out with a fractured wrist, which is the same wrist he had surgery on last year, and he’s out at least a couple of months. For every reaction, there’s an equal reaction. A guy goes down, and another guy steps up. Duvall goes down and that means more playing time for. Dot dot dot. Rob Refsnyder?
Roansy Contreras – 3 1/3 IP, 7 ER, ERA at 8.00. If only Seby Zavala took out Roansy’s ankle.
Oneil Cruz – Out for four months after having surgery on his ankle. Inspired by Oneil Cruz, I just vomited with an exit velocity of 118 MPH.
