Colorado Rockies rookie (aka a “roockie”) outfielder slash first baseman slash heartthrob Nolan Jones was two for four Friday night with a solo home run, his 15th bomb, along with his 13th steal of the year. He also added a RBI double in the ninth inning–cause he clutch like that! In San Francisco, they serve your slam & legs in a burrito too big to wrap properly, filled with crab meat that may or may not give you stomach pain. NoJo extended his hitting streak Friday to eight games with three multi-hit games in that span, five stolen bases, and two bombs including Friday’s oppo-fieldo-shotto. But he’s more than just SAGNOF and Coors pop so take a victory bong rip Colorado, cause you might have a special one on your hands here. Grey told you to BUY, gushing about how excited he is to draft him next year. In just 84 games with the big club, Jones is slashing .285/.367/.529, with an OPS creeping towards .900! Imagine if this kid had some kind of protection in this lineup outside of All Star hero, Elias Diaz (1-for-5, HR (14), 3 RBI), Kris Bryant (who I don’t think has played since COVID), and Charlie Blackmon (AARP card holder). Did I mention our boy Nolan has an absolute cannon of an arm? Yes, that 100-mph gunner to home was good for top five fastest outfielder assist of the year. Does your league not track outfield assists? That’s too bad, cause Nolan is second in the NL with 13. All of this is a roundabout way of this kid has a long future ahead in the Rockies lineup, but if he’s still out there in your league now could be the perfect time to snatch him up for your championship run. I mentioned the hit streak and the home runs and the steals, but the best part is he’s got a seven game home stand at every fantasy manager’s favorite ballpark, Coors Field aka the Nojo Dojo Casa House, next week. He’s currently hitting 20 points higher in Denver, with five more stolen bases and if you’re looking for some extra mojo for your finals run, methinks NoJo is the answer. So grab yourself a THC infused hot dog and frosty Coors Light at your favorite Coors concession and sit back and watch Nolan Jones carry you to fantasy glory.

Here’s what else I saw Friday night in fantasy baseball:

Wilmer Flores – 3-for-4, HR (22), 3 RBI. He’s got three homers this month and his .290/.356/.540 with 22 homers cements him as a player no one ever really wants to own but ends up quietly helping you win your league all year. Boring doesn’t mean bad, it just means boring. At least that’s what all my blind dates have been telling me.

Zac Gallen – 9.0 IP, 3 hits, 0 ER, BB, 9 K, 15th win. Complete game three hitter. His second complete game and first shut out in ever. Gallen poured one out as they say, striking out nine and allowing just four base runners total. Highlights say this Gallen ain’t no Goofus and the start certainly helps his case for NL Cy Young, but he currently sits second in wins, fifth in ERA, and third in strikeouts. It’s gonna be tough to pass Spencer Strider so if I were Zac I’d start growing my mustache out now.

Jameson Taillon – 6.0 IP, 1 hit, 0 ER, BB, 9 K. Not to be outdone by a Cy Young front-runner Taillion whose name I will definitely spell wrong at least once in this post, had his own mini shut out through six innings, and arguably looked better than Gallen in that stretch. The only hit he allowed was to Corbin Carroll, and that dude is pretty freakin’ cool.

Corbin Carroll – 2-for-3, RBI, 3 SB (45). Oh, hey, we were just talking about me–I mean you! Not me casually gushing loudly next to someone I want on my good side. Three steals in one game? You’re too good to me! Keep it up, you’re my Christmas Carroll and I’m ready to deck my halls with a new fantasy trophy. God bless us, everyone!

Julio Rodriguez – 1-for-4, HR (28), slashing .280/.337/.490. Juul-Rod vaping the fatttttest rips! Rodriguez or Carroll next year, who you taking!? I honestly don’t know! That’s such a hard choice, I don’t know how Sophie did it. The fact that Julio can hit .429 with a 1.197 OPS in August and still be batting under .300 is sus I guess. Streaky much? Meanwhile, Corbin has had some minor injury concerns. I guess I’m going Juul-Rod based on that elbow drop, but ask me again tomorrow.

Cal Raleigh – 1-for-4, HR (27). Gyaatt! This is apparently the term the kids are using to describe Raleigh’s Big Dumper. I learned it on TikTok. Also, Cal’s fWAR is higher than Adley Rutschman’s. Must be the thunder thighs!

Isaac Paredes – 3-for-4, HR (29), 2 RBI. Harold Ramirez also hit his 10th homer. Ain’t no one raining on the Rays’ Paredes! The hits keep coming for the Rays, and they’re not all lawsuits, suspensions, and injuries either. How Paredes, slashing .253/.352/.502 with the 29 bombs and 89 RBI, is not this team’s MVP? I feel like I haven’t swooned about Isaac enough. To get 100 RBIs off waivers like that, that’s special, folks! Can’t imagine where he’ll be going in drafts next year, but it will probably be too rich for me.

Pete Fairbanks – 1.0 IP, BB, 3 K, SV (21), 2.35 ERA, 0.99 WHIP. Pete has been especially deadly since the break, posting an unreal 15.3 K/9. He’s got a 19/2 K/BB in his past 10 appearances with six saves and 2 wins allowing just one earned run. It must be that crazy look in his eyes. I swear the guy doesn’t blink.

Reese Olson – 6.2 IP, 2 hits, 2 ER, BB, 5 K, 7th L. Not sure if I’m impressed by this or if I’m blaming it on the White Sox being terrible, but this is his second straight quality start, albeit both were against these terrible, horrible, no good very bad White Sox. Reese’s rocking a 1.50 ERA over his past three starts, and K’s 10 Yankees in four innings if that impresses you. He gets the Reds next week and StreamONator doesn’t hate it. Let’s put it this way, I trust him like I trust Amber Heard.

Mike Clevinger – 7.0 IP, 3 hits, 0 ER, 0 BB, 7 K, 7th win. Clevinger continues this trend of alternating absolute gems with being totally Oppenheimer’d into oblivion. This is the same Tigers team that put up 8 runs on him last week. He does get a real cake match up with KC next week, StreamONator has been talking about it all week, but my PantsGPT eye spots a pattern that makes me think I should avoid, but if you’re desperate for starting pitching as I am for positive feedback, I could see it.

Yoan Moncada – 2-for-4, HR (8). He’s hotter than Sydney Sweeney and the Stones. Now that’s a combo I never thought I’d see. If I told you he was hitting .474 in the past week, and has homered in three straight you still wouldn’t pick him up right? Yeah, that’s what I thought so I won’t even bother.

Andrew Abbott – 4.0 IP, 4 hits, 6 ER, 3 BB, 3 K. He’s allowed 13 runs over his past four starts. Welp, Grey got his wish, I guess. The Regression Fairies have mostly moved on to fantasy football at this point. They told you to take a flier on Kadarius Toney even though they knew his hands didn’t work. They sabotaged Pat Mahomes perfect opening day record and they will destroy your ratios!

Ryan Helsley – 1.0 IP, 2 K. Three straight scoreless appearances, and if the Cards ever get another save opp methinks it goes to Helsley. If there’s any chance he’s still out there he could be one of the best options for saves left.

Willson Contreras – 1-for-4, 2 runs, HR (18), 3 RBI. The Reds had more hits and home runs than the Cards in this one but you know what they didn’t have? A Willson Contreras. Just ask the Cubs what that’s like.

Hunter Renfroe – 2-for-4, HR (20), 2 RBI. His first homer as a Red!  Renfroe hasn’t played every day since he arrived in Cincinnati but he’s a guy who can get hot quick, so he’s one to watch over the next week, especially in that ballpark.

Spencer Steer – 2-for-4, run, SB (13). I wonder if he loves those CityConnect’s unis as much as me, or if I’m much more comfortable in my Spencer Steer jersey? I mean, if Corbin Carroll wasn’t a thing, right, this is Spencer Steer’s ROY to lose. Slashing .268/.356/.453 with 20 homers and 13 steals. Sure, Elly and Matt McClain get all the press, but Steer is the one playing all over the diamond, with more homers than both of them, silently Steering your team to a championship.

Jasson Dominguez – 1-for-3, HR (4), SB (1). BUY. Have a day rook! His first slam & legs! I don’t have to tell you all the slam & legs in NYC City are served with 15 hot dogs and as much beer as you can drink, followed by a long session of belligerently yelling at your significant other before passing out shirtless under the bleachers. Just like the Great Bambino would have done!

Luis Severino – 4.0 IP, 4 hits, 2 ER, BB, 5 K. Yeah he looked OK through four, but we know the Janks can’t have anything go their way this year, so just throw Luis back on the IL. He seems more comfortable there anyway.

Willy Adames – 2-for-4, HR (24), 3 RBI. Back-2-back days with homers and 3 RBI, like that Drake song I can’t remember the name of. The power numbers almost makes me forget how badly he’s draining my average. You do you, Willy!

Brice Turang – 3-for-5, run, 2 SB (20). Hitting .316 in the past week with 3 steals! Can you teach me how to SAGNOF?

Eury Perez – 5.0 IP, 4 hits, 2 ER, 3 BB, 4 K,  2.90 ERA, 1.10 WHIP. I know my Marlins may be sacrificing their future for a chance to get swiftly eliminated by the Braves in the postseason, but heck, that’s what we want teams to do right? I’m all for it! Marlins Baseball! Get Hooked! Play your best players, I don’t care how old or young they are! Sacrifice futures to win now–just like the NFL!

Tanner Scott – 1.0 IP, K, SV (6). Tanner hasn’t given up a run since way back in July and has fully entrenched David Robertson as the new closer, despite the Fish paying top dollar for him. He’s a BUY and likely the best option for saves available if he’s still out there.

Cristopher Sanchez – 5.0 IP, 4 hits, BB, 4 K. He’s been fine, and mostly a safe streaming option but he gets Atlanta next week and you don’t want no part of that Dewey.

Trea Turner – 2-for-3, HR (23), SB (26). My friend (yes I have one!) was upset Trea decided to go on PAT leave (cool way to say it) in the midst of his H2H playoff, but I assured him everyone including Trea’s new baby momma knew TT was going to homer immediately upon coming back. So of course, he did. That proud dad energy is just too strong, and Trea Turner is so hot right now, Hansel. He’s hitting .413 with 8 home runs, 19 RBI, 16 runs scored, and 4 steals in the past two weeks. Sweet sassy molassy! Yes, please, and thank you! But this one, that one was for junior!

Jesus Sanchez – 1-for-2, HR (13). BUY. He’s slashing .273/.342/.487 in a platoon. He probably deserves to play everyday but you don’t mess with the Jesus when he’s got a good thing going.

Yusei Kikuchi – 5.0 IP, 3 hits, ER, BB, 8 K. Lisa Loeb’s favorite player says we really have to stop pitting female musicians against each other. You say you can like both Taylor Swift and Olivia Rodrigo, even if they hate each others GUTS (out now!). Regardless it’s none of our business if they do–unless they’re using a feud to sell records, in which case by all means, spill the TMZ. Kikuchi was putting together a career best year 3.57 ERA, 1.24 WHIP, 160/43 K/BB, absolutely killing it at the end of July early August before hitting a rough patch lately. Thank god for the Royals. Speaking of Royals, can we get Lorde in on this beef?

Davis Schneider – 2-for-2, 2 BBs, slashing .403/.535/.811. He was a BUY and yeah, that’s like really his slash! Career! His OPS is 1.415! Career! Seven homers in 21 games. 2.2 WAR. Do I need to continue? Or do you need to excuse yourself so you can pick him up immediately? Yes, do that!

Ronald Acuña Jr. – 3-for-4, HR (35), 2 RBI. Reminisce with me a sec while I think back on last year when I owned Alt-164 and that .334/.414/.585 with 23 homers, 127 runs, and 63 SBs could have been mine. That’s Proud Tildaddy Energy at work. We will always have 2022, Ronald. I miss you so hard right now.

Eddie Rosario – 2-for-4, HR (21), 3 RBI. Three straight multi-hit games hitting .381 this week! Starting to think maybe I could bat over .300 on this Braves team.

Bryce Elder – 7.0 IP, 4 hits, 2 ER, BB, 9 K, 12th win. Doing his best Spencer Strider impression, Bryce the Elder may destroy me over and over again in Elden Ring but in fantasy we rule them all.

Mitch Keller – 5.0 IP, 12 hits, 8 ER, 4 K. Trying hard not to make an insensitive Helen Keller joke here because you’d have to be blind to get rocked like this (zing!), or he just ran into a Braves team surging hard that cannot be stopped.

Kodai Senga – 6.0 IP, 4 hits, 2 ER, 44 BB, 5 K. The Senga Genesis is real. Forget that Corbin Carroll is keeping him from a ROY nod, Kodai is a legit (not really) candidate for the NL Cy Young on one of the league’s worst teams. His 3.07 ERA is good for third in the NL, and he’s tied for seventh in strikeouts! Will be interested to see where he’s drafted next year, I imagine he’ll be so overhyped I won’t own him anywhere but I will always believe in him!

Carlos Correa – 2-for-3, HR (18). All well and good CC but Royce Lewis (a BUY, seriously pick him up) had two doubles! How many doubles did you have, Carlos? Pfft! Go back to Houston.

Esteury Ruiz – 2-for-4, HR (4). I feel like Esteury kind of got shafted by the A’ss, and was not afforded the opportunity to work through his slump despite the team being as bad as it has been. The .252/.306/.343 is more than respectable, and he probably can’t catch Acuña in steals anymore, but with 58 stolen bases he’s still a category winner! I’m all in for next year, yessiree!

Corey Seager – 1-for-4, HR (29), 2 RBI. I know the Rangers spent big in the offseason and again at the deadline but the difference between this year’s team and last year’s team has been Corey Seager. The .338/.401/.651 is elite despite missing considerable time. Only Bobby Witt Jr. and Francisco Lindor have been better than Seager at shortstop this year, and there’s no way you’re drafting Lindor over Seager next year, right?

Trevor May – 1.0 IP, 1 hit, SV (19). BUY. I am ashamed it took me so add Trevor May. He rotted on waivers for months before I added him a few weeks ago. He’s already chipped in five saves and now we are besties for life.

Jordan Montgomery – 5.2 IP, 8 hits, 5 ER, BB, 6 K. If someone could check JoMo’s iPhone health app for his pulse rate ask Siri what time it is while you’re at it. We might have to declare a time of death for the Rangers season.

Hunter Brown – 4.1 IP, 6 hits, 6 ER, 2 BB, 5 K, 11th L (ELEVEN). I’d tell you to drop him because we don’t have time for this nonsense or patience for jokers who have starts like this at this time of the year but he does get the A’s next week in Houston and it doesn’t get much friendlier than that as far as match ups go. You’re on notice though, Hunter.

Blake Snell – 6.0 IP, 5 hits, 2 ER, 3 BB, 8 K, 13th win. I mention the Cy Young race to make things interesting, but this is really Spencer Strider’s award to lose. Still, Snell’s ratios are stellar (2.52 ERA, 1.26 WHIP). He leads the league in ERA, WAR (5.6), and he’s second in Ks trailing only the aforementioned Strider, who’s got about 40 on him. It’s not quite a runaway YET, but a 20 K start from Snell could really pull him back into this race.

Ha-Seong Kim – 2-for-4, 2 runs, 2 RBI, 3 SB (34). Talk about value! HSK you make me feel some type of way. Would you believe FTJ and HSK are neck and neck on the player rater? With Tatis offering only $1 more value likely 10+ rounds earlier! Meanwhile, he’s been infinitely more valuable than Soto, Xander, or Machado. Who are you drafting next year?

Trent Grisham – 2-for-4, HR (13), SB (14). In Houston, the slam & legs are served with a Fred Flintstone type rack of ribs that only true diehards can attempt to finish. Why is it I feel like Grisham is a grizzled old vet when he’s only 26.

J.D. Martinez – 1-for-4, HR (26), 3 RBI. Enrique Hernandez (9) and Max Muncy (33) also homered. Speaking of grizzled old vets, look who homered in his first game back from the IL! Kevin from ESPN’s “Get Him in Your Line Up” department usually takes labor day week off, but if he wasn’t OOO, he probably would have forgotten about JD anyway.

CJ Abrams – 2-for-4, HR (16), SB (41). Now we get to one of the more intriguing players of 2024. If he could only bat over .220, we might really have something here. He’s got eight steals in the past two weeks with two homers but is hovering around the Mendoza line. Still, he could be winning your fantasy league for you right now. The plus side of the negative average is we’ll be able to draft him everywhere next year. I’m all in on CJ! Hmm, I’m getting some serious deja vu right now, have I said that before?

MacKenzie Gore – 4.0 IP, 6 hits, 4 ER, 2 BB, 4 K. Has he ever pitched this many innings in a season? Probably not. Is it going to keep me from drafting him every next year too? Definitely not.

Griffin Canning – 5.1 IP, 8 hits, 3 ER, 2 BB, 3 K. Hogwart’s most popular extracurricular activity has been fairly exceptional against some fairly unexceptional teams this month and he gets another shot next week versus Detroit, He’s got a 49/8 K/BB over his past seven starts. I might consider the prospect of maybe thinking about mulling over the possibility of contemplating whether or not I should review the option of potentially picking him up. I still don’t know for sure though!

Logan Allen – 5.0 IP, 3 hits, ER, 2 BB, 6 K, 6th win. Another below average to middling streamer who’s got an above average match up versus San Francisco next week. StreamONator doesn’t love it as much as I do, but robots don’t feel desperation like us fantasy baseballers (<— Grey’s mom’s term!) do.

Adley Rutschman – 2-for-4, HR (18). Gunnar Henderson had three hits and the O’s scored 11 runs with 14 hits. Rutsy’s the top rated catcher on the player rater–Obviously. But it’s WAY closer than you might think. I love the guy, but he’s got a ways to go if he’s ever going to be more famous than his sister.

Ryan O’Hearn – 2-for-4, HR (12). ESPN says O’Hearn is less than 5% owned, they also told me to add Kadarius Toney, who is apparently the worst football player in the world now. ROH is batting .371 in the past week with 2 homers, 11 RBI, and players for basically the second best team in the league, so that ownership number can’t be right, can it!?

Kyle Bradish – 6.0 IP, 4 hits, 2 ER, 9 K, 11th win, ERA at 3.03. The O’s win their sixth straight and everyone knows I’ve never been very bullish on Kyle, but I damned if I haven’t been, dot, dot, dot…Bradish.

Connor Wong – 2-for-2, HR (9). Wong went long! Too bad the rest of the Sawx didn’t do dick.

Logan O’Hoppe – 2-for-4, HR (7). I think as long as the Angels have even the slimmest of chances to resign Ohtani, they’ve got O’Hoppe!

Thanks for reading! Questions? Problems? Complaints to management? Advice, small gifts, or large bribes? Please leave it in the comments below. Join us next Saturday for another Friday recap as fantasy baseball continues next week, all week long!