Hope everyone had a glorious Memorial Day, while placing some hot dogs in your gullet and swallowing them whole with some cheap beer. Like George Washington would’ve wanted it! George used to remove his wooden teeth and eat hot dogs whole. True story. So, I’ve become Mr. Pull My Pitcher With 90 Pitches. I hate pitches 90-100. They suck. In ten years, I will hate pitches 80-90. Then, ten years later, I will be Mr. I Like The Starter Who Comes In From The 4th Thru The 5th Inning. ACKSUALLY, that brings up a point, what happens when no starters go more than four innings? It’s coming at some point. Will we adjust our fantasy scoring categories? Something to think about, which is why I’m looking for an emoji with a hand on a chin that is using its other hand to slowly raise its middle finger towards Craig Counsell. Aaron Ashby (6 IP, 1 ER, 7 baserunners, 12 Ks, ERA at 2.70) was fantastic. Dot dot dot. Through 6 innings! He never needed to go out there for the 7th, and it unraveled from pitches 90 thru 100. See? That’s why I am whoever I said I am five sentences ago, to paraphrase Eminem. Ashby’s 11.5 K/9, 5 BB/9, 3.08 xFIP is so itsy-bitsy close to an ace and unusable on the other side. Thankfully, his command is usually much better, i.e., AA – BB = CC, i.e., Aaron Ashby minus walks equals CC Sabathia. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Brandon Woodruff – Hit the IL with a high right ankle sprain. Maybe his ankle should stay away from that Mary Jane!

Ethan Small – 2 2/3 IP, 2 ER, 8 baserunners (4 BBs) as he was promoted. That means Ethan’s minor league manager told him, “Time for the bigs, Small.” And, of course, he responded, “It was all a dream.” After watching him, I can say his change was pretty impressive, and his command is awful.

Jace Peterson – 1-for-3 and his 5th homer. Thank you for that batty call! May I have another?

Tyrone Taylor – 2-for-4, 3 runs, 3 RBIs and his 5th and 6th homer. I’ve been saying to pick him up for the last week. Soon, Renfroe will return and make him less worthwhile. Waiting for that kinda defeats the purpose.

Luis Urias – 1-for-7, 2 runs, 3 RBIs and his 5th homer. Ya know what’s fun? Wrigley when the winds are blowing out.

Seiya Suzuki – Hit the IL with a sprained finger. Welp, that sucks, but it can’t be as bad as starting him for the last six weeks. Maybe he’s just really good the first two weeks he plays, in which case I look forward to his return for the first few series.

Nelson Velazquez – 2-for-7 as he was called up by the Cubs. Here’s what Prospect Itch said, “Velazquez brings plus athleticism at 6’0” 190 lbs and put up a tasty 20 HR 17 SB season across two levels last year, culminating in his best stretch as a pro: 34 games in AA slashing .290/.358/.581 with 8 HR and 5 SB despite being 2.5 years younger than the average player. He also won MVP of the Arizona Fall League this year, and while I don’t care much about that, or Grey.” That hurts, man! Speed and power makes my fantasy life go ’round, and Nelson brings it. In deeper leagues, I could see grabbing him now, but I don’t know where he plays every day when Seiya returns.

Rafael Ortega – 3-for-4, 2 runs and his 2nd homer. Thought we moved on from him to Christopher Mushroom.

P.J. Higgins – 1-for-5 and his 1st homer. Fun fact! Higgins wears only pajamas.

Matthew Swarmer – 6 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 6 Ks, as he was called up. “Is he bad?” *moves towards him* …Swarmer… “Is he terrible?” *moves away* …Scolder… “He’s just okay?” *moves towards*…Swarmer.

Erick Fedde – 1 1/3 IP, 6 ER, ERA at 4.60. Fedde WOP!

Starling Marte – 3-for-4, 2 runs, 4 RBIs and his 5th homer. Had a big part of whopping Fedde.

Nick Plummer – 3-for-4, 2 runs, 4 RBIs and his 2nd homer, and 2nd homer in as many games. All right, the first homer I wrote off as Mets are so charmed this season, they’re getting offense from some random fill-in. By the way, Plummer’s not even filling in for Kevin Spacey, oddly enough. Looks like Plummer’s playing left with Nimmo banged up (Canha moved to center). Plummer’s a terrible contact (might hit .180), but solid power guy. Plummer might surprise pitchers who don’t know to throw him junk, but there’s nothing here but a hot schmotato.

Luis Guillorme – 2-for-4, 3 runs, 1 RBI, hitting .363. With Nimmo out (where is he? Who knows, I didn’t see the movie), Guillorme’s been leading off and he’s, like, 7 for his last 11.

Pete Alonso – 1-for-4 and his 13th homer. Albombso!

Nolan Gorman – 3-for-3, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 2nd homer, and  2nd homer in three games. Worth rostering? Absolutely. In deeper leagues, I’d be selling, as I go over in this week’s video:

Paul Goldschmidt – 1-for-3, 2 RBIs and his 11th homer. Au Shizz!

Nick Castellanos – 2-for-4 and his 7th homer, and 2nd homer in as many games. The Greek God of Hard Contact is starting to get hot like the area under his mother’s mustache.

Rhys Hoskins – 1-for-4 and his 8th homer. One homer from Rhys is an invitation for him to go on a hot streak where he hits 10 homers in 17 games.

Kyle Schwarber – 2-for-4 and his 11th homer. He homered off Logan Webb in the 9th; Webb was pitching in the 9th, because Gabe Kapler fell asleep in a tanning bed, and it melted his brain. 90-100 pitches, brutal.

Corey Knebel – 1 IP, 1 ER, ERA at 3.43, and the blown save. Every since 2016, when Jeanmar Gomez cursed the Phils’ pen with a monkey’s paw that was brought to him by Hector Neris’s long-lost uncle, Carlos Marmol, the Phils’ pen won’t be the same until they make a sacrifice to the bullpen Gods. It’ll require a bounty laid at the feet of Rollie Fingers while he’s having his mustache clipped.

Kyle Gibson – 6 IP, 2 ER, 4 baserunners, 4 Ks, ERA at 3.83. Saw his numbers and thought to myself, “If I was only getting that from my number two, Jose Berrios,” then I sobbed for 15 minutes.

Logan Webb – 8 IP, 3 ER, 3 baserunners (zero walks), 10 Ks, ERA at 3.52. Don’t remember a situation like this in a while where all the starters for one team (the Giants) have been unlucky, and should be much better. It’s like I’m Linus at a Target at I’m doing a blanket buy.

Evan Longoria – 1-for-4 and his 5th homer, and 3rd homer in three games, and fifth homer in five games. Evan Longoria’s hotter than Eva Longoria.

Curt Casali – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 4th homer. Psycho killer, Curt Casali, hit that ball fa-fa-fa-fa, fa-fa-fa-fa-fa-fa far!

Yordan Alvarez – 2-for-4, and his 13th and 14th homer, hitting .260. Incredibly, Captain Woo Cubano’s doing this and hasn’t yet been hot for an extended period of time.

Jose Altuve – 2-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 10th homer, hitting .286, but left the game under concussion protocol. Dusty said, “He didn’t look too good in the eyes,” and honestly that’s just a solid quote. Did Dusty see little birdies flying in a circle like in a cartoon? I gotta know.

Framber Valdez – 9 IP, 1 ER, 5 baserunners, 7 Ks, ERA at 2.57. I wonder what the difference will be for any AL West starter’s ERA when against the M’s and A’s or against the Angels and Astros. A 3-run difference? 4-run?

Paul Blackburn – 6 2/3 IP, 4 ER, 5 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA at 2.15. Streamonator hated this start, but loves his next one, and, I don’t know, I kinda liked yesterday’s and not the next one, but what do I know? I have a real human heart and brain.

Drew Rasmussen – 3 IP, 5 ER, ERA at 3.47. I did not need that Assmussen.

Glenn Otto – 6 IP, 1 ER, 7 baserunners, 4 Ks, ERA at Otto was a popular 2-start pitcher this week, according to Streamonator, and palindromes.

Ryan Mountcastle – 4-for-5, 4 runs, and his 6th homer. If the Orioles didn’t move the fences back, he’d have 35 homers already.

Anthony Santander – 1-for-4, 4 RBIs and his 9th homer. I also go over him in the video under Gorman’s blurb.

Ramon Urias – 1-for-5, 3 RBIs and his 4th homer, hitting .350 in the last week, and has been a schmotato going on about ten days.

Tyler Wells – 6 IP, 0 ER, 3 baserunners, 3 Ks, ERA at 3.71. Took some guts to start Wells in Fenway last night, which is why I absolutely did not do it. Streamonator hates his next one too, and I can kinda see it.

Zack Greinke – Hit the IL with a flexor strain. His arm has to be pretty bad if he injured it throwing 59 MPH.

Yu ChangPirates acquired him for cash — I wouldn’t have moved change for Chang — and Cole Tucker was designated for assignment. That assignment is to try to keep girlfriend, Vanessa Hudgens, unaware that he sucks so much at baseball that he’s controllable, cheap and the Pirates still don’t want him.

Tucupita Marcano – 1-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 1st homer. Fun fact! Tucupita is the sister city to Yucaipa.

David Bednar – 2 IP, 2 ER, ERA at 1.38, as he threw 50 pitches. Somewhere, Scott Proctor shuddered.

Mookie Betts – 3-for-4 and his 15th homer. Mookie Best!

Edwin Rios – 1-for-4 and his 7th homer. Random prediction alert! Muncy doesn’t return and Edwin Rios is rostered in the shallowest of leagues by July.

Emmanuel Rivera – 1-for-4 and his 4th homer. Not bad, The Missouri Rivera is only beating Matt Olson by like 15 rounds in draft value, while being pretty shizzy himself.

Jose Ramirez – 2-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 13th homer. Jo-Jo-Ram is the safest first rounder every year. Ugh, it took me until June to realize it. Stupid slow brain!

Pablo Lopez – 6 IP, 0 ER, 7 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA at 1.83, and this start was in Coors, where Pab-Lo made the Rockies bite the silver bullet.

Cole Sulser – 0 IP, 4 ER, ERA at 4.50. A witch stands over a cauldron, chanting a curse:

Shippy-do, Shippy-dah, Kiernan Skipka,
Whoever chases saves in Miami will get a babka,
With a little hair from my armpit,
And that’s not a schmear of chocolate.

Jesus Sanchez – 1-for-3 and his 5th homer. The power shown in this clip is why I wanted to draft Sanchez everywhere. Maybe one day it will be a regular occurrence:

Spencer Strider – 4 1/3 IP, 5 ER, ERA at 3.45. I’m sorry but it is so gee-dee funny that we wait two months for him to get a rotation spot for him to do that once he gets it. The lousy thing is (besides the start), the Braves might take this an indication that Strider is better suited for middle relief.

Pavin Smith – 1-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 7th homer, and 3rd homer in the last week. Pavin’s always said he’s gonna be somebody, that’s why he invented these Opti-Grab glasses.

Derek Hill – 2-for-3, 2 runs and his 1st homer. Must be feeling the Riley Greene heat breathing down his neck. How do you like that halitosis, Mr. Hill?

Gary Sanchez – 2-for-4, 2 runs and his 5th homer. Fun fact! Gary Sanchez is slang for a Dirty Sanchez performed in Gary, Indiana.

Dylan Bundy – 6 IP, 4 ER, 9 baserunners, 3 Ks, ERA at 4.76. Streamonator hates his next start, and I look at Bundy on waivers and I’m always like, “I ain’t crazy enough.”

Sonny Gray – Sounds headed to the IL. Baldelli said, “Normally I don’t speculate or even say that much about it but I think because he’s still feeling it, and it’s Sonny Gray, who always goes on the IL, it’s safe to say.”

Gio Urshela – 3-for-4, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 5th homer, and 2nd homer in as many games. More like Urschmotato! Amiright?! Or am I right right?

Jose Miranda – 2-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 2nd homer, as he was immediately recalled. Good to see the 7-hour trip to the minors taught Miranda how to hit. Maybe this acted like a timeout for Miranda to think about what he had done (nothing).

Royce Lewis – Hit the IL. On a side note, about to start calling him Rewis and Kyle Lewis by the name Kewis to avoid confusion. Thankfully, there’s no Josh Lewis.