Painter’s Tape No Longer Making Phillies Feel Blue

Another day, another great Phillies pitcher, eh? I said “eh” like I was drinking a bottle of maple syrup with my pinkie in the air. I hate the “we have to talk about” segue. It sounds like Oprah in my head. “We have to talk about something, you know what we have to talk about right? Why women wear cucumbers on their eyes? Under your seats is…An unreal expectation of beauty! You get an unreal expectation of beauty! You get an unreal expectation of beauty! You get an unreal expectation of beauty!” No, but you know we have to talk about Andrew Painter (7 IP, 0 ER, 2 hits, zero walks, 6 Ks). The corners and all the red. He’s fixed. Apparently. Max velo 98.7 MPH, 13 swings and misses and a filthy 90 MPH change. He has lasted at least six innings in his last three starts with only four earned runs, 20 Ks, and 0.60 WHIP. Before demotion: .316/.375/.526 (.901). Berzerker!
After recall: .179/.273/.282. You worker! It’s the change. He’s changed. Big change. It’s the change! It’s the pitch mix, and the mechanics. (It almost always is.) He went from six pitches to four. He’s also much more upright, so the four-seamer plays better. The whole time all Painter needed was so obvious to hang with the big boys, the bubble level. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

James Wood – 1-for-4 as he was activated from the IL. Kevin from ESPN’s “Get Him In Your Lineup” Department said, “Anyone can breakdance if they’re tazered hard enough.”

Sean Murphy – 2-for-4, 2 runs, 4 RBIs and his 3rd homer, and third homer in his past five games (Braves have played more like eight in that time). Sean Murphy is a regular ol’ Gasper! A Gasper, I tell ya! I’m talking with an old-timey accent now, in case you couldn’t tell. A Gasper, I say!

Ronald Acuña Jr. – 3-for-5, 2 runs, 3 RBIs and a slam (14) and legs (20). That was career home run number 200. Anyone who rosters him thinks, “200 homers over 20 seasons?” It only feels like it.

Davis Martin – 5 2/3 IP, 0 ER, 6 baserunners, 3 Ks, ERA at 4.13 as he was activated from the IL. Had a 8.03 ERA in the 2nd half going into last night, so I benched him for his first game back. Therefore, ergo, vis-a-vis, I start him next time out and he gets rocked. Mama mia!

Hayden Wesneski – 7 IP, 0 ER, 1 hit, 2 walks, 5 Ks, ERA at 3.18. White Sox aren’t a pushover. Wesneski isn’t an ace either, but he is solid enough. Hows’ever, Streamonator hates his next one, and I don’t trust him enough for a vote of confidence.

Trevor Rogers – 6 2/3 IP, 2 ER, 6 hits, zero walks, 11 Ks, ERA at 4.30. That’s a career-high in strikeouts for Rogers. O’s went into Coors and had some of their best pitching days in a while. Fantasy Baseball: When getting everyday ulcers won’t suffice.

Andrew Kittredge – 2/3 IP, 1 ER, ERA at 3.27. Almost blew a game the other day when Colton Cowser robbed a McCarthy game-winning homer, and then, I guess feeling bad, he went ahead and blew Wednesday. Rico Garcia and Yennier Cano are both better.

Patrick Sandoval – 4 IP, 3 ER, ERA at 4.41 vs. Bryce Miller – 4 2/3 IP, 1 ER, ERA at 4.01. This matchup wasn’t billed, but afterwards it was summed up by someone holding their nose and making a “Something stinks” face.

Roman Anthony – 3-for-5 and his 2nd homer. His first home run since April 1st. No fooling.

Rafael Devers – 2-for-3, 2 runs and his 32nd homer, and, 2nd homer in two games, third homer in three games, and something like 32 homers in the last week. Holy scorchers, Batman.

Landen Roupp – 5 IP, 1 ER, 4 baserunners, 4 Ks, ERA at 4.17 vs. Bubba Chandler – 5 IP, 3 ER, 8 baserunners, 4 Ks, ERA at 4.30. This matchup was billed as, “Me walking around saying, ‘Bubba/Roupp… Bubba/Roupp? Bubba/Roupp… Bubba/Roupp?’ like it was the best earworm since Del Amitri’s Roll To Me.”

Look around your world, pretty baby
Is it everything you hoped it’d be?
The wrong guy, the wrong situation
The right time to roll to me
Roll to me

Griffin Jax–  2 2/3 IP, 6 ER, ERA at 4.10 vs. the Mets at home, as he was activated from the IL. Welp, he’s still injured. Don’t come back if you’re not ready, you giant dope! How hard is that? “Are you still injured?” If yes, don’t return. That’s it!

Juan Soto – 2-for-5 and his 23rd homer, 2nd homer since Sunday. It’s hard to fathom a worst year for top 20 picks.

Eury Perez – 4 2/3 IP, 6 ER, ERA at 3.72. We’re now in the part of the roundup that you’d like to wind down. Just a bad start vs. a team that usually rolls over. Let’s roll on. Or…Roll to me…It’s still stuck in your head, isn’t it? It’s so awful.

Kyle Stowers – 2-for-5, 2 RBIs and his 18th homer, and 2nd homer in two games. Welp, prolly shouldn’t have dropped him before Tuesday’s game. [smashes head on desk] I’m good.

Jakob Marsee – 1-for-4, 2 runs and his 9th homer, hitting…guess. Go ahead! He hit .292 last year to give you a hint. That’s not a hint at all? Okay, you got me. He’s hitting .209.

Javier Sanoja – 3-for-5, 2 runs and his 7th homer. He had himself a solid August (3/3/.326) and is hitting .287 on the year. He has 30-steal speed and a 8.3 K%, i.e., he could go 10/30/.290, but is not for some unknown reason.

Carter Jensen – 2-for-4, and his 20th and 21st homer, hitting .226. He hits everything hard, maybe a tad too much in the air, but, as a 23-year-old, there’s still a lot of promise here. Sorry, I was just looking at his awful batting average. While hitting leadoff, no less. Just rocks in manager’s heads. No brains. Five other players in the lineup have the same or better OBP, too. Brilliance.

Salvador Perez – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 18th homer, hitting .221. He’s one of the worst average hitters now, and him and Carter Jensen are basically handshake emoji on average.

Noah Cameron – 5 IP, 4 ER, 6 baserunners, 7 Ks, ERA at 4.08. So, ball was bouncier yesterday than VH1’s Pop-Up Video (very new reference).

Jacob Misiorowski – 4 IP, 5 ER, ERA at 1.97. This was his first start all year where he allowed more than three earned. Okay, will allow one bad start, but please do not fall apart now. I need you more than ever. Does this sound pathetic? Ooh, too bad! Sorry, we’re not the “cool” fantasy baseball blog.

Jackson Chourio – 4-for-6, 2 runs and his 21st homer. Ja-Chou, God bless you!

Alex Bregman – 2-for-4, 4 RBIs and his 24th homer. Having himself a bit of a resurgence vs. previous seasons. This might sound muy simpatico, but I really think it’s just luck about how many games he has in Wrigley where the wind is blowing out vs. blowing in.

David Peterson – 3 2/3 IP, 6 ER, ERA at 5.39. Almost as good as Misiorowski!

Jacob Webb – 1/3 IP, 2 ER, ERA at 3.15, and got hit hard. Literally. By a comebacker. X-rays were negative, which is good news because Palencia sucks now.

Drew Anderson – 5 2/3 IP, 1 ER, 5 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA at 3.73. Was one of those guys I targeted in deep drafts because he had some narrative spin — went to KBO, learned what worked, had some bibimbap, taught dance, don’t know if he taught dance, returned and…Well, that was where we left off. His underlying numbers are  surprisingly decent — 9.9 K/9, 3.6 BB/9, 3.71 xFIP, and gained three miles per hour on his fastball. Yes, I’m going to leave this at Streamonator, but it likes his next one.

Vladimir Guerrero Jr. – 3-for-4, 5 RBIs and his 8th homer. “Hey, if we rent a small plane we can just dump him into the Bermuda Triangle. No, leave his jersey on him so when he washes ashore–Hold up! He moved! Vlad Jr. is alive!” It truly is bonkers that he is tied with his father for same number of homers in Toronto this year: Zero.

Dylan Cease – 6 IP, 0 ER, 4 hits, zero walks, 4 Ks, ERA at 2.25. First time he was under seven strikeouts since April 27th. He’s allowed only 97 hits in 156 1/3 innings all year. Cease mode. Give him the AL Cy.

Joey Cantillo – 5 1/3 IP, 4 ER, 11 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 3.81, and five more unearned runs for the massive stroke of a Ticker Shock.

Thomas Saggese – 2-for-4, 2 runs, 3 RBIs and his 4th homer, 3rd homer in two games. Is he accidentally getting the bouncy balls meant for Ohtani? C’mon, Dodgers, sort out your cheating! Well, seems like a hot schmotato.

Leo Bernal – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 1st homer, after being called up the other day. Okay, the playing time looks to be there. Yesterday, he DH’d with Herrera catching. That’s awesome for his fantasy value. To put a splash of insight to freshen your cocktail, he went 16/9/.278 with a 19.9 K% in Triple-A as a 22-year-old. Moving my recommendation for deep and NL-Only leagues to 15-teamers.

Freddie Freeman – 2-for-2, 3 RBIs and his 16th homer. Singing to Freeman a’la Celine Dion, “Veneers…Ball hit far….Wherever you are…”

Mookie Betts – 2-for-6, 2 RBIs and his 17th homer. Mookie Meh-At-Betts!

Shohei Ohtani – 0-for-4, 1 run, 4 Ks, hitting .279. He looks hurt. Shaking his shoulder after every swing. Not sure if they shut him down for the playoffs, but they should.

Reid Detmers – 7 IP, 1 ER, 6 hits, zero walks, 8 Ks, ERA at 3.44. Detmers has 2027 sleeper written all over his stats — 10.1 K/9, 2.4 BB/9, 3.42 xFIP, new owner bringing in new culture like the Fage deliveryman.

Vaughn Grissom – 2-for-4 and his 10th homer, hitting .249. Arte’s gone and so was that ball!

Moises Ballesteros – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 7th homer, and 1st as an Angel. Right now, Angels players are like, “Listen, I know you’re the new owner and you’re gonna have some tough choices–Anyway, keep me. I’m good, Mr. Man.”

Cam Schlittler – 8 IP, 1 ER, 2 hits, zero walks, 9 Ks, ERA at 2.04. I just awarded Cease the AL Cy Young, and now I have to give another one to Cam? Is that, like, legal?

Ezequiel Duran – 3-for-4 and his 16th homer, hitting .276 and leadoff. When I draft him next year and he goes back to a one homer, one steal guy in 90-something games, it’s gonna rock.

Cody Bradford – 4 IP, 5 ER, ERA at 4.45. Got so cocky with myself starting everyone vs. the A’s and they brutalized me. Start a true crime podcast about me! I’ve been brutalized!

Justin Foscue – 1-for-4 and his 11th homer. I’ve ignored him for almost the entire season because his stats are so boring. Just hideously yawnstipating. Alas, two homers in three games, and maybe a hot schmotato.

Jacob Lopez – 6 IP, 2 ER, 8 baserunners, 7 Ks, ERA at 4.71. A’s pitchers are so funny (not haha) that I look at Streamonator for them just to see if they’re in away games, then I’m maybe interested. This is not the case for most other starters.

Henry Bolte – 3-for-4, 4 RBIs and a double slam (7, 8) and legs (15), hitting .274, and leadoff. Someone said this was the first A’s leadoff hitter with two homers and a steal, and, “I can’t believe Rickey never did that.” That’s Ghost Rickey Henderson talking about Rickey.

Zack Gelof – 2-for-5 hit his 15th homer. This game was in Texas but played like a Bing Bong Bonanza. Also, in this game, Jonah Heim (1-for-5) hit his 13th homer and Alika Williams (2-for-4, 3 RBIs) hit his 3rd homer. If you’re coughing up runs, you’ve been hit with the Heim-Alika!

Ty France – 2-for-3, 2 RBIs and his 20th homer. For France, that’s as good as it baguettes! Ty. Ty you very much.

Casey Mize – 4 IP, 4 ER, ERA at 3.64. Why are all my pitchers falling apart in the final month? I don’t like. Zero stars. Would not recommend. Wonder if Mize is still hurt (had wrist, groin, ankle issues in just the last month).

Ethan Salas – 0-for-4 as he made his 1st MLB start. Oh, by the way, he’s 20 years old. Ethan Salas is only two years older than Razzball. HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA Kill me. Ethan Salas was born when the second Jackass was in theaters and arrives in the majors with the final Jackass. Yes, I measure things in Jackasses.

JJ Bleday – 3-for-4, 2runs, 2 RBIs and his 22nd homer. It was a good Bleday.

Juan Brito – 1-for-3, 3 RBIs and a slam (1) and legs (1). This was his 1st career home run and steal. In his first career game, right? [a thousand years pause]…Right? No, it wasn’t. He’s a very weak power, speed and average 2nd baseman. Sounds like me in Little League. Call him Juan Albrighto.

Hector Rodriguez – 1-for-5 and his 5th homer, 2nd homer in four games. I want mo’ Hect-Ro! “Mow your own hectare!” That’s my anthropomorphize Pixar lawnmower sassing me.