Junior Mints A Triple Feature

I’ll be  honest with you, I don’t think we’ve come to terms with how good Junior Caminero is. He’s 22 years old and he’s coming off a 45-homer season and has 19 homers already this year, after going 3-for-5, 6 RBIs with his 17th, 18th and 19th home run yesterday.  I tried to give him a nickname — FAO Schwarz, and people were not very welcoming. Sure, it’s an awful nickname that even I need to spellcheck and its meaning is indecipherable, but I haven’t heard one single attempt to fix this awful nickname. Not once has someone said, “Grey, handsome face, but Junior Caminero is too good for this awful nickname. How about FAO ScHRwarz, at least.” Nothing! Maybe we need to go to the city for inspiration. A nickname to do with Tampa. Wait, that’s right, Tampa has zero personality too. The home of 24 local-area Hooter’s? 48 tit-al Hooters, personality-less? How about a nickname off the Rays name, The Rayinator? Ray Dono-Man? What are these, utter garbage? These should’ve never even left my head if you had any respect for me and offered a better nickname! Most nicknames you find out there for him — and most players if being honest — sound like they’re made for a 10-year-old. His nickname, according to Google, is Killer Cam? What kind of nonsense is that? That’s the nickname of the girl from The Challenge. Don’t even get me started on the Spanish-language nickname, La Máxima? I took 13 years of Spanish and I don’t even know what that means. He drives a Maxima? Guys who start as young as him and find this much success have a solid shot for a Hall of Fame career, and his nickname is FAO Schwarz? Oh God vroom vroom go to hell! Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Victor Mesa Jr. – 1-for-3, 3 RBIs and his 3rd homer, hitting .180. Fun fact! When Mesa’s checking out at Ikea, the cashier asks him if someone on the floor helped put him together.

Ian Seymour – 6 2/3 IP, 0 ER, 0 hits, 1 walk, 7 Ks, ERA at 4.32. Rays had a no-hitter going until they brought in Craig Kimbrel (2 ER, ERA at 5.85). El oh el. Seymour was used as a Yarbro, and his underlying numbers are at 9.4 K/9, 3.6 BB/9, 4.41 xFIP and is technically in the rotation, even if he follows an Opener. Streamonator has him getting the Royals again next time out, this time in Kay Cee. One thing I’ve noticed that might be Confirmation Bias or some other Psych 101 term, teams seem to get one team, then face them again the following week in the other park. Anyone else notice this?

Seth Lugo – 5 IP, 7 ER, ERA at 4.18. I’ve moved on from Lugo and Wacha everywhere, and I love these guys. Something I’ve now mentioned a few times.

Tatsuya Imai – 6 IP, 0 ER, 2 baserunners, 1 walk, 10 Ks, ERA at 5.36. You watch Imai, as I did, and you can’t understand how he could be anything but a solid #2 at worse. Just dazzling stuff. Can’t always locate it, which is where the problem comes in, but if he’s locating like he did last night and the time before? I can’t see why he should be on waivers anywhere. He has a 11.1 K/9. I mean, that’s not nothing, double negatives be damned. Even with a 4.8 BB/9.

Troy Melton – 6 IP, 1 ER, 2 hits, zero walks, 6 Ks, ERA at 2.39. He looks even better than Imai. Just gorgeous. Only blemish came in Detroit to a Trammell, so you can’t argue with paying homage.

Dillon Dingler – 1-for-3 and his 19th homer. Cal Raleigh last year; Dingler this year; who’s next year’s out of nowhere catcher? Francisco Alvarez? Could the Mets have that sorta fortune?

Caleb Durbin – 2-for-3, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 6th homer, as he’s dealing with a dislocation of his pinkie. Where is pinkie, where is pinkie, I don’t know, I don’t know, maybe check my other hand, he’s dislocated, he’s dislocated… He will be in this afternoon’s Buy column, because he’s one of the hottest hitters in all of baseball currently. MIA pinkie or not.

Connelly Early – 6 IP, 2 ER, 6 baserunners, 9 Ks, ERA at 3.59. His peripherals have moved in the right direction of late, but still more meh than I think most people would expect. He looked like an ace in the making in the minors. He has not been that. Could be growing pains, Boner.

Cam Schlittler – 5 IP, 0 ER, 7 baserunners, 9 Ks, ERA at 1.62. Oh, you know he’s living good when he allows four runs and they’re all unearned. Dancing between the raindrops of regression…I believe that’s a Cat Stevens song.

Jose Caballero – 2-for-4 and a slam (8) and legs (18), hitting .259. Genuinely curious how Amed Rosario gets the three hole in the lineup, and Jazz, Caballero and Wells get 7, 8, 9. That’s darts at a board, right? There’s no way there’s an actual reason.

Corey Seager – 0-for-3, 1 run as he was activated from the concussion IL. Seager said, “It’s good to be back…in 1955.”

Joc Pederson – 2-for-3, 2 runs and his 12th homer, and 3rd homer in three games. Been saying hot schmotato, and saying it again.

Wyatt Langford – 1-for-5, 3 RBIs and his 8th homer, 2nd homer in as many games. As I said yesterday, I’d continue to Sell and this only ups the price I can get.

Jake Burger – 2-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 14th homer, and 2nd homer in five games. Burger in Canada or as they call it, an El Ranger with Cheese.

MacKenzie Gore – 7 IP, 3 ER, 5 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA at 4.05. He’s pitching almost completely neutral, i.e., what you see is what you get, i.e., MacNoTricksie.

Ernie Clement – 2-for-4, 1 run, hitting .294. He received the most AL All-Star votes, 3.2 million votes. Barely coming in 2nd to Ohtani as the most overall. What’s the Canadian exchange rate on All-Star votes?

Vladimir Guerrero Jr. – 0-for-4, hitting .273. Would prefer if he just said his back’s killing him and went on the IL. Stop insulting my intelligence, I have my brain for that!

Kazuma Okamoto – 2-for-4, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 18th homer, hitting .241. Hey, what happened with Murakami? Is he coming back at some point? I’d like some homers of import.

Kevin Gausman – 6 IP, 6 ER, ERA at 4.36. Crazy thing is I have guys like Imai and Melton going and they’re rocking perms saying Welcome Back to my ratios, then I have Gausman like, “Here’s a filled diaper for your fantasy team.” Just insane how I can’t get consistent pitching from so-called consistent pitchers.

Ben Brown – Diagnosed with a stress reaction in his neck and will be limited for the next month. If it’s yellow, let it mellow. If you don’t have an IL slot and it’s Brown, you can drop him now.

Matthew Boyd – 4 2/3 IP, 0 ER, ERA at 5.02, as he was activated. I have the pants grapes to start him off the IL and they can’t let him throw to one more hitter for a win? Disgraceful!

Marcus Semien – Hit the IL with a hip flexor strain. Semien was shooting from the hip and they were like, “Ew, get out of here!”

Jared Young – 1-for-1 and his 6th homer, and 2nd homer in two days. Won’t be in this afternoon’s Buy column, but clearly is a hot schmotato.

Freddy Peralta – 5 2/3 IP, 0 ER, 6 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA at 4.53. Also, he allowed three unearned runs just in case this start was instilling confidence in him.

Landen Roupp – 6 IP, 2 ER, 7 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 4.07. Pretty much straight Streamonator call at this point. It liked yesterday’s, hates his next, and I agree.

Willy Adames – 1-for-3, 2 runs and his 14th homer. Semien down, Willy up. Hmm…

Victor Bericoto – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 3rd homer, and 2nd homer in two games. Been in left vs. lefties for symmetry. He has power and not much else. He won’t be in this afternoon’s Buy column, but the bat looks hot.

Caleb Kilian – 2/3 IP, 4 ER, ERA at 3.97. With how bad the A’s and Giants’ pens are, it’s surprising this game ever ended.

Zack Gelof – Hit the IL with a hand laceration. One of the worst rations. Macerations? Delicious! Adulterations? Praise my stupid ass! Collaborations? Who are you, DJ Khaled? I love collabs! Lacerations? No good.

Jeffrey Springs – 5 1/3 IP, 3 ER, 5 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 5.52. A’s bullpen is such a mess, it’s difficult to watch. Springs left with two guys on, so of course they came around on their reliever, Krook. Ain’t no such thing as halfway Krook’s is damn right.

Bryce Harper – 2-for-3, 2 runs, 3 RBIs and his 18th homer, hitting .269. Should count as a half a homer because it was off a Nats’ reliever. If you roster a Nats’ reliever, give me your password and I’ll drop him for you.

Brandon Marsh – 2-for-4, 2 runs, 3 RBIs and a slam (12) and legs (8), hitting .324, three homers in four games. Another day, another remark about how great a season Marsh is having.

Cristopher Sanchez – 5 IP, 5 ER, ERA at 2.13. Won’t point out how he’s been merely solid in June and April, outside his insane May. But remember I pointed it out by not pointing it out.

Cade Cavalli – 6 IP, 2 ER, 6 baserunners, 7 Ks, ERA at 4.o0. Nats’ relievers have a near 5.00 ERA. Just annoyed I lost another win. Having the worst wins luck. I’m b’ing and m’ing. Let me be! (And m!)

Curtis Mead – 1-for-5 and his 14th homer, hitting .223, 2nd homer in two games, third homer in four games. Vlad Jr. has four homers all year.

Bryce Miller – 5 2/3 IP, 3 ER, 5 hits, zero walks, 11 Ks, ERA at 1.97. 11 Ks to zero walks is a huge success. The earned runs are irrelevant in that scenario.

Spencer Horwitz – Hit the IL with a hamstring strain. First ever accountant with a sports injury.

Bubba Chandler – 5 1/3 IP, 1 ER, 8 baserunners, 4 Ks, ERA at 4.42. Just had a thought, imagine what the Brewers could do with Bubba. He’d be Bubbalicious. Bubba the Best. Bubba Bubbarowski.

Brandon Lowe – 2-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 19th homer. Was about to say you could’ve had Lowe in any league, but you could’ve had anyone in the top 10 on the Player Rater in any league, and mostly the same for the top 20, excluding Witt Jr. and Ohtani, who appear in there. Incredibly bizarre year. You could’ve drafted Misiorowski, Yordan and Ben Rice in any league easily and had the top three overall. Or Mis, Captain Woo Cubano, and James Wood or Schlittler or Jordan Walker or an array of other guys. In one league, I have Misiorowski, Wood, CJ Abrams and PCA, and it’s an NL-Only league (a keeper), and I’m only in 2nd place! I have four guys in the top 10! Any hoo.

Henry Davis – 2-for-3, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and a slam (6) and legs (2), hitting .148. Might be the most random slam & legs of the year since Davis rarely even gets on base twice in one game. I know one person happy today. “Hey, Hendry way to go!” That’s Joe Pesci looking at his fantasy team.