LOGIN

Yesterday, Latos was traded to the Dodgers, then not traded.  Then CarGo was traded to the Mets, then not traded.  Then Cole Hamels was traded to the Rangers, and really traded, I think. I don’t know, I’m dizzy.  Ruin Tomorrow Jr. was sad to see Hamels go, but this is the business he chose, after getting fired from Duane Reade for mixing up the garbage with “the important stuff.”  And after getting fired for explaining to kids there is no Santa, after being dressed as the mall Santa.  After being fired as Ruin Tomorrow Sr.’s personal assistant, but he maintains that was a misunderstanding.  He thought, “Don’t tell your mother,” meant, “Don’t tell your mother until you see her.”  After his no-hitter the other day, I said, “(Hamels’s) peripherals look fine and he’s just getting a tad unlucky.  I could see someone thinking they’re selling high after this no-hitter, but Hamels is a low-3 ERA pitcher with a 9.6 K/9, i.e., a low-end fantasy ace.”  And that’s me quoting me!  I would’ve preferred to see him go to the NL, but Arlington is about a push with Citizens Bank and could see him stringing together a sub-3 ERA for two months.  Jorge Alfaro, Jerad Eickhoff and Nick Williams were acquired by the Phils, and I’m sure Prospect Mike will go over them, after he gets their posters up in his living room.  Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Colby Lewis – 6 IP, 2 ER, 7 baserunners, 5 Ks.  When reporters told him after the game about Hamels coming to the Rangers, Lewis said, “I’ll be sure to wait for the 2nd syllable before responding.”

Lucas Duda – In three at-bats, he hit three solo home runs.  A dud, dyslexic?  No more.  Lusucks Doodie?  He won’t hear it.  Larry Jones?  That’s Chipper, and unrelated.  Like a strong, fibrous turd in a 3rd world toilet, you cannot keep this Duda down!

Bartolo Colon – 2 1/3 IP, 6 ER.  Hilariously (not hilariously), the Mets are strong buyers this trading season and the Padres are sellers.  Only thing is, the Padres only have four less wins than the Mets.

Yangervis Solarte – 4-for-5, 2 runs 1 RBI.  Yangervis was feasting on Colon’s meatballs.  Ew, I think I’m gonna be sick.

Yonder Alonso – 2-for-5 and his 4th homer.  Damn, he’s pulling away from Bumgarner and Bogaerts!

Tyson Ross – 5 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 5 Ks.  On one side of a coin, Tyson’s face, on the other side of the coin, Samardzija.  Tyson is Roald Amundsen, Samardzija is Robert Peary.  

Edwin Encarnacion – Sat out yesterday with a jammed finger.  If he announces a sponsorship deal for his hand with Smuckers, I’m calling BS.

R.A. Dickey – 8 IP, 0 ER, 8 baserunners, 4 Ks.  Before you think Dickey is a stud, this was against the Phillies.  Now take that pun to the stables and buy it a carrot!

Troy Tulowitzki – 3-for-5, 3 runs, 3 RBIs with his 13th homer, and his 1st homer for the Blue Jays as he batted leadoff.  Oh, okay.  Well, I guess in the 1927 Blue Jays’ lineup you can’t go wrong anywhere.  On a related note, why must a player’s stats start from zero in box scores when they change leagues?  Can we do away with this nonsense?  We have interleague now for twenty years, I think we can carry over stats.

Clayton KershawDodgers pushed his start back to Saturday or Sunday due to his hip.  Hopefully he can right the hip!  C’mon, high five!  Hey, where you going?  But you were my only imaginary friend!

Yasiel Puig – 2-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 7th homer.  When Puig’s balls fly!

Josh Reddick – 3-for-5, 1 run and two steals (4, 5), hitting .292.  Reddick seems to have heated up again.  Hence, the red, um, yeah.

Brett Lawrie – 4-for-5, 3 runs, 4 RBIs and a slam (9) and legs (5).  It only took four years, but finally our big game from Lawrie!

Drew Pomeranz – 0 IP, 3 ER; Fernando Rodriguez 2/3 IP, 2 ER; Eric O’Flaherty 1/3 IP, 1 ER, as they formed the Committee to Elect Edward Mujica Closer.

John Lackey – 8 IP, 1 ER, 3 baserunners, 8 Ks, ERA at 2.78 vs. Anthony DeSclafani 7 IP, 0 ER, 6 baserunners, 3 Ks, ERA at 3.75.  This was a matchup of guys that you dropped for the latest rookie call up, who you can’t even remember anymore.

Doug Fister – 6 IP, 2 ER, 5 baserunners, 4 Ks, ERA at 4.39.  Mr Fister seems like he’s pitching this year with Broken Wings.

Michael Taylor – 1-for-3, 2 RBIs and his 9th homer, and his 3rd homer in the past four games.  Holy schnikeballs, doode is still smokin’ hot.  No Sizzlean, Taylor, go H.A.M.!

Bryce Harper – 3-for-4, 3 runs, 4 RBIs and his 28th and 29th homers.   Outside of that insane 13-homer month of May, he’s revealed himself to be closer to a five to six homer per month, .290 hitter.  Nothing to sneeze at unless you’re allergic to number one outfielders, but also not the 60-homer guy he was in May.

Giancarlo Stanton – Cleared to swing off a tee.  I can provide the tee if he likes.

Mat Latos – It seemed like he was traded to the Dodgers, but then the deal hit a snafu.  The Marlins realized they weren’t getting anything in return.  Very funny, guys!

Mookie Betts – Hit the 7-day concussion DL.  It’s seven days because no one knows if a player will be affected for a day or two years and a 24 Hours/Months DL doesn’t work.

Adam Eaton – 3-for-6, 2 runs, 2 RBIs.  Between him and his teammate, Melky Cabrera (3-for-6, 2 runs), there’s few hotter bats or there’s few hitters benefiting from crappier pitching.

Byron Buxton – Will play in simulated games soon.  Hopefully he doesn’t hurt his neck with that Oculus Rift contraption.  Contraption, there’s a word you hear a lot of young people say.  “Hey, homey, you on SnapChat?”  “No, I’m the newest app, ContrapChat!”

Aaron Hicks – 3-for-5, 1 run, 1 RBI.  If you wait long enough to pick up A-A-ron, he will cool off eventually.

Ervin Santana – 5 2/3 IP, 6 ER.  There seems to be a ton streamers every day, and, without fail, I always pick the worst ones.  Thanks, brain!

Francisco Liriano – 5 2/3 IP, 2 ER, 10 baserunners, 4 Ks as he tied his owners to the WHIPping post.  Glad to see the Pirates/Twins game in Hubert H. Homerfree Retrodome was the pitching duel I expected.  Eff me.

Gregory Polanco – Left yesterday’s game with knee discomfort.   That’s not like having the name, Jimmy Hitler.  That would be née discomfort.

Jung-Ho Kang – 3-for-5 and his 7th homer, and 2nd homer in as many games.  Jung-Hot schmotato!

Francisco Cervelli – 2-for-4, 1 run, hitting .304, and hitting over(!) .500 in the last week.  Also, he put on a Russell Martin jersey and snuck into a dark room where Alyssa Milano waited for him dressed as Betty Childs.

Andrew McCutchen – 2-for-4, 2 runs, 3 RBIs and his 14th homer.  To paraphrase Kendrick Lamar from the song, Hood Politics, “Andrew was A-1 drafted in round one, even with his knee boo-boo.  But he wasn’t very good, knee boo-boo!  Was hoping for ten times deuce-deuce, knee boo-boo!  Months later still going hard like he used to when he was a dread homey.  Dread homey.  Dread homey.  Call me on Shaniqua’s phone.”

Carlos Gonzalez – 1-for-3 and his 21st homer and fifth homer in three games and eighth homer this week and 10th homer in July (hitting .385 in July) and 16th homer since I told you to buy him two months ago.  Not a whole lot of people talking about how disappointed they are in CarGo anymore.  All those people move on to fantasy football?  Hope you traded them for CarGo before they left the building.

Jose Reyes – 1-for-3 and his 1st steal as he hit in the two hole.  He looked weird in the Rockies uniform, not because of the new uni, but because he looked like a skinny Rick Ross.  Are those giant tears coming down his face like he’s pretending to have done time, but really was a prison guard?  Looks like he showered in eye black and then pasted some hair from the drain on his face.  I’m a big fan, obviously.

Charlie Blackmon – 1-for-4, 1 run and two steals (26, 27).  They let Blackmon take the 2nd bag due to white guilt.

Dexter Fowler – 1-for-2, 2 runs and his 10th homer.  Crazy he’s owned in less than 50% of leagues.  He’s leading off for a solid offense and he’s hitting near-.400 in the last week with two homers.  Oh, and four steals in the last ten games.  Grab Fowler, unless you’re chicken, then that’s cannibalism.

Anthony Rizzo – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 17th homer.  Look who decided to join us!  Glad to see you again, Rizzo, I thought maybe you took the summer off.

Jon Lester – 8 IP, 2 ER, 6 baserunners, 14 Ks, ERA down to 3.26.  I’m not going to calculate what his ERA has been since I told you to buy him, because I forgot to leave out my solar-powered abacus, but let’s just say he’s been good.

Francisco Lindor – 2-for-5, 4 RBIs and his 5th homer, now has three homers in the last week while hitting near-.350.  Oh, and it hasn’t shown up yet, but he has 30-steal speed.

Giovanny Urshela – 2-for-5 and his 3rd homer, hitting near-.350 in the last week.  Urshela sounds like a 1970’s James Bond girl, but he is currently a light schmotato.

Michael Brantley – 2-for-4, 2 runs and his 8th homer, hitting .301.  People seemed to take offense when I said Brantley was a bust for where he was drafted this year.  I can understand why, if I owned Brantley I’d take offense anywhere I could get it.  Snap in the inverted W formation!

Michael Bourn – 4-for-5, 2 runs and had two hits and three steals the prior game.  I grabbed him in one league to fill-in for Cain, but now that I see he’s hot, I may prolong the batty call and take him to Catalina on a day date.

Yan Gomes – 2-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 5th homer.  Maybe he’s finally coming out of his season-long slump.  Before he does, may I please request he let Carlos Santana (1-for-3, 1 run) carpool with him?

Corey Kluber – 9 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA down to 3.44.  Finally, a reason for Klube-heads to get out their glow sticks.

Lance McCullers – 7 IP, 1 ER, 5 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA at 2.48.  Between him and Preston Tucker (1-for-3 and his 10th homer), I don’t own them anywhere, but I wish it was next March already so I can own them everywhere.  Why am I so crazy for them?  I just can’t!

Jon Singleton – 2-for-3, 2 RBIs and his 1st homer.  After Jon Singleton was called up, he got the Shaft and hasn’t been seen much since.

Albert Pujols – 1-for-4 and his 30th homer.  Just another day at the park.  Well, night technically.

Mike Fiers – 6 IP, 2 ER, 5 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA at 3.89.  For the whole year, he’s had a total of one two-game streak of solid starts.  Hey, I was Fiers’s biggest proponent coming into the season, but I’d think of him as a streamer, and use the Stream-o-Nator for him.

Gerardo Parra – 2-for-4, hitting .326.  Gerardo’s Rico Suave, indeed.

Joe Panik – Missed his 2nd straight game with back tightness.  Don’t worry, there’s no reason to…What’s the word I’m looking for?  It’s on the tip of my tongue.  Ugh, forget it.

Jake Peavy – 6 IP, 0 ER, 4 baserunners, 3 Ks, ERA at 4.12, which is partially inconsequential because he doesn’t have a ton of innings yet (39 1/3 IP).  It might be nostalgia from enjoying him on the Padres, but I own him in a few leagues and have no qualms about starting him vs. anyone, except in Coors.

Chris Tillman – 8 2/3 IP, 0 ER, 4 baserunners, 2 Ks.  On one hand, he has an under 1.50 ERA in the 2nd half of the season.  On the other hand, he had a 2.33 ERA in the 2nd half last year.  On a third hand that is actually a glove on the end of a mop, this game was vs. the Braves.  I could see grabbing Tillman in some leagues to see if this 2nd half magic is real like Michael Jackson would’ve said about David Blaine.

Jonathan Schoop – 1-for-2 and his 7th homer.  I’m gonna be honest with you because I like you as much as someone can like someone they’ve never met, I’ve owned Schoop periodically and he occasionally hits a home run, but rarely does anything else.

Mike Foltynewicz – 6 IP, 2 ER, 8 baserunners, 8 Ks, ERA at 5.04.  Ah, Faultywirewitz returns to the rotation just as my fingers began to uncurl from writing his name last time.  Faulknerliteraturewitz has solid stuff, and can easily strike out a guy per inning, but is risky since his command sometimes leaves him.

Justin Verlander – 8 IP, 1 ER, 4 baserunners, 10 Ks, ERA down to 4.86.  Before we all start pretending to be Kate Upton, and standing naked in the bathroom with our laptops open to Verlander on our fantasy teams, this game came against the Rays.

Chris Archer – 7 IP, 0 ER, 3 baserunners, 11 Ks, ERA down to 2.54.  Don’t see any way I own him again next year, but it’s been a sheer pleasure this year.  Archer, you have struck my heart with your poisoned arrow.

Ender Inciarte – 2-for-5, 2 runs, hitting .298 and near-.400 in the last week.  Even a phoning-it-in Harrison Ford can’t ruin Ender’s game.

Welington Castillo – 2-for-3, 3 RBIs and two homers (9, 10).  I actually own him on two teams.  That’s more a statement about how much I punt catching than anything else.

A.J. Pollock – 3-for-5, 2 runs and 1 RBI, hitting .305.  How many Pollocks does it take to get three hits in five at-bats?  One to hold the bat and 10,000,000 to turn the stadium.

Patrick Corbin – 6 IP, 1 ER, 5 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 3.21.  I was a big fan of Corbin prior to Tommy John surgery last year, and I will definitely be excited about him again next year.

Felix Hernandez – 6 2/3 IP, 7 ER, ERA up to 3.02.  In the top 100 for the 2nd half, I said, “I don’t want to scream fire in the theater of Razzball, but F-Her’s peripherals look terrible and if he doesn’t turn things around in the 2nd half, he could be a guy to avoid next year.  *wink, wink, nudge, nudge, kazoo*  That’s your cue, Felix owners in keeper leagues.”  And that’s me quoting me!

Robinson Cano – Has an ab strain, but the M’s said it’s not serious.  Not sure who they’re lying to, it’s not like they’re going to be able to trade Cano and his $570 billion, 20-year contract.  No joke, the M’s will owe Cano $24 million for the 2023 season!  Unless Trump wins the presidency, and Mexico invades “just because,” I’m guessing that will still be a lot of money in eight years.